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Bill:
So by day's end we could be looking at a world where Lester, Lackey, Peavy, and Doubront were all traded in the span of a week.
Doug:
Crumbling cookies and all...
Doug:
And good for them for if we've learned one thing from history it's that rich people in powah absolutely adore acquiescing to the whims of the creepy peons.
Bill:
Baseball is none of your business. World peace is none of your business. Your fucking religion is none of your business.
Doug:
Exactly. Just keep buying shit. Keep paying your taxes. And keep your mouths shut.
Bill:
And don't forget to Rock the Vote.
Doug:
Absolutely, because your vote is critically important at keeping the charade intact
.
Mike:
I'm not sure I recall being in this position before. The Nomah trade was totally unexpected, so we weren't sitting around chewing on tinfoil.
Bill:
Yeah, I don't think anyone is at ease right now.
Bill:
Seriously the Shank hasn't had this much wood in years.
Mike:
Yeah, talk about curly haired money shot —He gets to chide management, chide the fans, and invoke revisionist history all in the same sentence.
Bill:
The only way this could go bettah for Shaughnessy is if the currently unknown trading partnah turns out to be the Yankees.
Mike:
Curse of the Bambino Redux: The Fester of the Lester.
Mike:
So we've reached the nadir where decisions have to me made about who will go and who will stay.
Steve:
So many questions... Do you trade Lester for prospects? Is there even a willing trading partner? Do you keep him? How many years?
Steve:
Seriously, nobody knows. At best it's a best guest.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, I've just got too much work shit going on this morning. I have a strip partially written in my head, but don't have the time to type it all out.
Bill:
Yeah, there's the rub.
Mike:
And because I know it annoys the CHB let me say that I feel fine.
Bill:
Seriously, this might be the best I've felt since I was kid zooming around the block in my Schwinn Krate on the way to an all summah day Wiffle Ball game.
Mike:
Yeah, when your biggest worry was hoping your moms didn't embarrass you by yelling at the top of her lungs across the whole neighborhood, &Mike! It's time for suppah! Mike!&
Al:
Heh, see I knew they should have saved some of those runs from the day before.
Al:
Wait a second, you mean we're not as fucking irritable aftah 6 month World Series drought as we are aftah an 80 plus year drought? Oh the humanity!
Doug:
Truth be known, I've even grown soft on Shaughnessy. He used to annoy me, now I'm mostly like, "Oh, he's still around? Who knew?"
Al:
Yeah, in the old days we would have brought up the CHB's rantings the day they were published rathah than 4 days latah.
Mike:
Soft is so fucking undahrated.
Mike:
Well, anothah day to dream the impossible dream.
Mike:
And Don Papi the Man of the Monstah is doing his paht.
Mike:
The Lord of the Monstah, his destiny calls and he goes...
Mike:
C'mon it's possible...
Mike:
In the next 13 we go against TOR, TB, , TOR, and NYY...
Mike:
If they go 10-3 or even 9-4, well, it then gets pretty friggin interesting, right?
Doug:
I confess that when I visualize it, if they play out of their minds and catch every break imaginable, then, yeah, it's possible.
Mike:
No hahm in dreaming.
Doug:
Well, except for the rub.
Mike:
Yeah, well, rich gifts way poor and all.
Doug:
If the Red Sox were your kid, you wouldn't be putting a &My son is an honor student at East Bumfuckchestah High School& on your minivan anytime soon.
Bill:
Last year's valedictorian, this year's juvenile delinquent. Fell in with the wrong crowd, I guess.
Doug:
I confess if I'm grading myself as a fan, I think a C minus is generous.
Bill:
Sounds about right. Showing up but doing the bare minimum and exhibiting little enthusiasm, high during every 1st period...
Doug:
Yeah, but also not complaining or causing any trouble, which the teachers appreciate.
Bill:
The gentle stonah's C.
Mike:
Seriously, you'd think they'd have made a big deal about that.
Doug:
Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, The 2014 All Stah Game is proud to present to you The Derek Jetah Farewell Tour.
Al:
Meanwhile, we are supposed to celebrate Jetah's heroics even though we learn that Wainwright &grooved a pipe shot to Jetah because he deserved it&?
Doug:
Yeah, I'm old enough to remembah when there was a competitive spirit to the All Stah Game even when it was essentially and exhibition.
Al:
Yeah, well, I'm old enough... Ah, what's the point? Everything's all kinds of fucked up.
Bill:
Feels kinda weird being a fan with none of your guys on the team.
Doug:
I think I'm going to have to skip this year's game.
Mike:
Yeah, there's only like 9 teams ahead of us for the Wild Cahd. C'mon, get them duck boats fiahed up!
Doug:
It's called "leading from behind" mothafuckahs and it's the awesome.
Al:
Seriously, nobody leads from ahead anymore. That's so 20th Century.
Doug:
Wait, was that back to back walk offs? Get the fuck out.
Mike:
Yeah, and was that anothah gem by Lestah or what?
Doug:
The price for Lestah goes up by the minute.
Mike:
Seriously, at this rate his contract is going to need to be in Yuan rathah than dollahs.
Doug:
Here is where I could insert a bad Yuan pun.
Doug:
Nah, I don't want to peso anyone off.
Mike:
With a rostah of 5 rooks.
Mike:
Unspoken because there's nothing left to say.
Bill:
And yet I remain absolutely contented.
Mike:
I think Brazil has collectively absorbed the entirety of fan heartache for a while now. There's nothing left.
Mike:
You'd think the giant Jesus statue would help, but nope.
Bill:
And then God rubs it in by putting their hated South American rival Argentina in the final.
Mike:
God wants a Battle of Living Popes. God gets a Battle of Living Popes.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I have an early off site all day work meeting today which is throwing my routine off. I'll plan to make up today by swapping out today with what would normally be an an under .500 no strip Friday.
Mike:
Hey, at least Tomase is still optimistic...
Doug:
Hell, at this rate a year from now I'll be watching Bogaerts with a Central American refugee kid the government made me take in.
Al:
Beisbol, hot dogs, apple empenadas, and come what may.
Mike:
Well, more like a rerun of a made-for-TV movie about a train wreck.
Mike:
I mean it's not like you didn't already know the wreck was coming.
Doug:
Time for the fiah sale.
Mike:
Yeah, but the problem with being a sellah is the reason you're a sellah is cuz you're in the cellah with a rostah that put you in the cellah.
Mike:
And aftah you remove the untouchables like Pedroia and Ortiz...
Doug:
Trade Lestah and resign him at the end of season.
Mike:
Where the fuck is that optimism coming from?
Doug:
The fat spliff is half unsmoked.
