Chain reaction

Bill:
I think I'm gonna like A.J. Pierzynski.

 

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Bill:
"How I am on the field is competitive. I just want to win. I'm intense on the field."

 

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Mike:
Between Pierzynski and Pedroia, the intensity may cause nuclear fission.

 

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Bill:
Speaking of the Lasah Show, I love Chad Finn's optimism: powah surge, baby.

 

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Mike:
He is the miniature badass.

 

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Bill:
It's the very moderation of his size which makes him so excessive, so badass.

 

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Reference Back, Way Back...

Mike:
So I've been thinking...

 

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Mike:
As much as love winning, love championships, indeed, I wouldn't want to have it any othah way...

 

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Mike:
I can't help but be drawn back to the losses.

 

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Mike:
It's like they are somehow more vivid in my mind.

 

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Susan/Circle:
See, Larkin was so right in his "REFERENCE BACK" poem...

 

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Susan/Circle:
"Truly, though our element is time.

 

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Susan/Circle:
"We are not suited to the long perspectives Open at each instant of our lives."

 

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Susan/Circle:
"They link us to our losses..."

 

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Mike:
To my unsatisfactory age. To my unsatisfactory prime.

 

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Susan/Circle:
There you have it.

 

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Brass tacks

Your omniscient author in absentia:
I'm sorry, folks, between my mind being nearly totally occupied with day job stuff and there not being a lot of news I can grab latch onto to spin a strip around, I've got nothing.

Worse, I worry how tenable this situation is going into the season.

 

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Monday but not much to yak about

Mike:
I've got nothing.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, it's happened again...

 

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Doug:
We wait and wait thru the long, cold offseason for the staht of Spring Training and then Spring Training arrives and... well, that's about it.

 

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Al:
Hey, c'mon now we've got not one but two Mike Carp stories.

 

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Mike:
It's a crocus blooming under 2 feet of snow.

 

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Al:
Does it make a sound?

 

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Doug:
Nope. The hills have the sads with the sound of weeping.

 

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Fridays Still Off

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
The offseason may officially be over.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But no Soxaholix Fridays are still very much on.

 

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The game begins in the spring

Mike:
You know I've seen some troubled Red Sox teams ovah the yeahs, but the behind the scenes with USA speed skating is on a whole othah level...

 

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Mike:
I mean ordering your team to tampah with anothah team's skates?

 

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Bill:
Somewhere in Connecticut, Bobby Valentine just exclaimed, "That's right, mothafuckahs, I'm not the worst coach in the world."

 

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Mike:
And he invented the wrap sandwich.

 

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Bill:
Speaking of wraps, full squad reports today... the offseason is behind us.

 

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Predictions?

Doug:
Best line of the nascent Grapefruit season:

"The beard didn’t hit or throw a fastball all year." — Jonny Gomes.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of lines, Atlantis Casino has their ovah/undah out and peg the Sox at winning 87.5 games.

 

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Doug:
Sounds about right.

 

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Mike:
And the Yankees only winning 83.5?

 

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Doug:
Kick 'em to the curb.

 

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And we're back (sort of)

Doug:
The good news is the allergy meds are working...

 

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Doug:
The bad news is the allergy meds are working...

 

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Doug:
I'm in a stupah and my sinuses feel like I've chooming 3rd-rate homegrown cut with sawdust.

 

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Bill:
You know it's pretty selfish of to be only thinking of yourself at a time like this.

 

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Bill:
I mean there's a national clown shortage going on fercrissakes.

 

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"He's just such a class act..." blah blah blah blah puke

Bill:
So Derek Jetah is retiring...

 

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Doug:
Yeah, says he wants to staht a family...

 

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Bill:
And that sound you just heard was the colossal puckering of Big Bri's spinctah.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, Prepare yourself for 162 games of media sycophantism at the altah of Jetah.

 

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Bill:
Can you imagine if the Yankees somehow manage to make the postseason?

 

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Doug:
Tim McCahvah will have to come out of retirement just for the final chance to wash Jetah's balls on a national broadcast.

 

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Between a stone and a hard place

Doug:
We interrupt this total absence of Red Sox news with this important update from the world of curling: John Shuster is teh suck.

 

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Mike:
Even Pinto is piling on.

 

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Al:
So much for . the bounce from Shustah's wife texting him.

 

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Doug:
Bitch needs to staht sexting some naked selfies. I mean this is a national embarrassment fercrissakes.

 

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Mike:
The reversed Curse of LaBonte lives!

 

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Al:
Somebody get Shaughnessy on this.

 

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Bold predictions

Bill:
You see this season's numbahs from Bill James?

 

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Bill:

 

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Bill:
Papi 19 homahs, Bogaerts an .807 OPS, 14 wins for Lestah...

 

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Mike:
And then there's Middlebrooks: 32 HR, 104 RB, .800 OPS.

 

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Bill:
And the report is Middlebrooks has added 12 lbs of muscle. "."

 

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Mike:
Jenny Dell you've done a good thing, a very good thing indeed.

 

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All work and no play...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Well, once again the day job is taking its toll... Hope to resume tomorrow.

 

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Hey, look! Fresh baseball news.

Al:
Clemens, Nomah, Pedro, and Joe Castiglione to the Red Sox Hall of Fame.

 

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Doug:
Nice to see Joe Castiglione up there, but I wish like hell that Pedro was getting a day all to himself.

 

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Al:
Absolutely. On the othah hand, his presence will ovahshadow Clemens, which is exactly how it should be.

 

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Mike:
The thing about Clemens is all the bad feelings we have about him are the from things that occurred aftah he left the Sox, and his time here was pretty awesome.

 

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Al:
Well, Ninja shoelaces occurred with us.

 

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Mike:
I stand corrected.

 

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Doug:
I can deal with Clemens. And Pedro will get his own day when his numbah is retired.

 

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A logical decision

Bill:
The Red Sox hired Greg Rybarczyk of Hit Trackah fame as Baseball Operations Analyst...

 

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Mike:
Looks like the Red Sox are continuing the commitment to Moneyball style baseball is as firm as evah.

 

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Bill:
The smahtest guys in the room.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely.

 

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Bill:
Aftah a long day at Fenway, 3 Red Sox baseball analysts walk ovah to the Beer Works...

 

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Bill:
The bahmaid asks, "You guys all want a beer?"

 

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Bill:
The first analyst says, "I'm not sure."

 

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Bill:
The second analyst says, "I'm not sure."

 

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Bill:
The third analyst says, "Yes."

 

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Mike:
And they drank the beer. And they pronounced that it was a very good thing, a very good thing, indeed.

 

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Which Red Sox prospect are you?

Mike:
I got a kick out of this: Shirley Manson takes BuzzFeed's "Which Alt-Rock Grrrl Are You?" quiz, discovers she's not Shirley Manson.

 

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Doug:
Is this cultural obsession with "Which fill-in-the-blank am I?" quizzes something that sprung up as a result of the internet or has it always been with us?

 

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Doug:
I mean did people in the Middle Ages walk around wondering "Which Christian martyr am I?"

 

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Mike:
Probably. Isn't that the whole idea behind the patron saint concept.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I guess you're right.

 

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Doug:
So instead of having a personal daimon such as Joan of Arc the modern person has "I'm most like Bilbo Baggins!!!"

 

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Mike:
Yep. Isn't progress wonderful?

 

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Doug:
Speaking of progress, Jackie Bradley Jr is already in camp.

 

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Mike:
Any sign of Joan of Arc?

 

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Doug:
Nope, nor Jenny Dell.

 

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But how were the commercials?

Doug:
Forget raising minimum wage and amnesty for illegals, can we once and for all agree that the numbah one priority of this great nation is the establishment of a Monday aftah Super Bowl holiday?

 

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Al:
Seriously, can't we get an Executive Ordah on this?

 

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Mike:
As hungovah as we feel this morning, imagine how Peyton Manning feels?

 

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Al:
Seattle was relentless.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? The Seahawks defense so effectively shut down the Bronco's forward progress that latah this morning Chris Christie is going to have a 4 hour press conference explaining earnestly that he had no prior knowledge of Pete Carroll's scheme to come to New Jersey and close Denvah's lanes.

 

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Mike:
And it looks like the "can't win the big one" skeleton Peyton Manning had managed to neatly tuck away in his closet is back out.

 

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Al:
Yeah, that skeleton is out and attending aftah pahties with Bruno Mahs.

 

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