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Doug:
Let's face it, Truck Day has been supplanted as the unofficial start to the new season...
Mike:
Yeah, it's the ying to his clutch homerun yang.
Doug:
Just give the man anothah year and move on.
Doug:
As there should. I mean I love Papi as much as an Red Sox evah, and I want him to finish his career in en medias rojas...
Doug:
But he has to come to terms with his own mortality.
Mike:
Yep, even Señor Clutch can't get out of the late inning jam of this mortal coil.
Al:
And where were we projected to finish last year?
Doug:
Yeah, I know, Ortiz is 38. Pedroia has a bum thumb. And Lestah has a doppelgangah who shows up unannounced and launches the suck...
Doug:
You know I'm so glad the Grammys had the courage to shine a spot light on the gay marriage issue because if there's one thing we just don't spend enough time discussing in this country it's gay marriage.
Bill:
They should have a mass wedding at Fenway this summah...
Bill:
Gay, straight, devout, atheist, whatevah, the only requirement is that the betrothed couple be unrepentant Red Sox fans.
Doug:
Seriously. And Big Papi should officiate the nuptials.
Bill:
"...to be your lawfully wedded partner, during multirun leads and during blown saves, in homerun derbys and in 13 L.O.B.s, in slumps and streaks, I will love you and hate the Yankees all the days of my life..."
Mike:
Heh. Low, low risk. Reasonable return if he stays healthy.
Bill:
Can he even play centah field at this point?
Mike:
Here's the way I see it: The last time Cherington made a deal like this it was with Mike Napoli.
Mike:
How'd that work out for ya?
Mike:
See, it's all upside, bro.
Bill:
Dear Arctic Vortex, I hate you. Love, Bill.
Doug:
Damn you humans and your Catastrophic Climate Change™
Bill:
There's only one way out of this climate death spiral...
Bill:
We need more celebrities crisscrossing the globe in their private jets and dramatically beseeching us plebes to stop being so fucking selfish and wasteful.
Doug:
And don't forget our politicians.
Doug:
Meanwhile, while we are dutifully and patriotically checking the air pressure in the tires of our fusion vehicles, Putin is doing donuts in his personal tank with his bemused bumptious grin on his face.
Bill:
Putin says catastrophic climate changes smells like victory.
Doug:
Is it my imagination or is this the slowest offseason evah?
Mike:
Possibly, but the wintah aftah a World Series win is always going to be a denouement.
Doug:
And how enormously awesome is it to know this from experience.
Doug:
So Winter Olympics?
Mike:
I'm enjoying the gamesmanship.
Doug:
Wait, it hasn't stahted yet.
Mike:
Forget your biathlon, forget your luge and your curling...
Doug:
Fasten the Ring of Steel!
Bill:
Well, one shouldn't be greedy...
Bill:
Especially when you realize how often the Pats have been close enough to smell it.
Doug:
If it has to break one way or the othah, count me in the camp that's breaking for the Red Sox.
Bill:
This is and always will be the Red Sox's city.
Doug:
Meanwhile, the Super Bowl is going to feature teams from the two cities in the USA where marijuana is legal. Coincidence? I think not.
Bill:
They should move kickoff to 4:20.
Al:
Hey, but it's always good to have a submariner in the system.
Mike:
But considering he's old, throws the ball about 20 mph and hasn't had an ERA below 3.5 since 2007 his submarine sounds like the Kursk.
Bill:
While the ardent followahs of the Moneyball theory when collective puke when they hear what I'm about to say, I just can't help myself...
Bill:
With a name like Tanaka the dude just has to be good.
Mike:
Seriously. It doesn't so much roll off the tongue as does leap off the tongue with a karate chop to the neck.
Bill:
It's a name right out of a Bond movie.
Mike:
Yeah, I can picture the scene in M's office...
Mike:
M: Our scientists, 007, have found that the recent so-called arctic vortex was not naturally occurring. Moreover, they've discovered an anomolous spike in seismic activity from a small island off the coast of Japan.
Bond: Tanaka!
M: Indeed, 007, that is our worst fear.
Bill:
And if the Yankees sign him, please strap me to a table and castrate me with industrial lasah.
Al:
Are you there differential equation? It's me, Al.
Mike:
"The Mathematical Universe Hypothesis… ultimately demotes familiar notions such as randomness, complexity and even change to the status of illusions."
Al:
So Dave Roberts steal and all the othah autotelic baseball moments, as Giamatti calls them in Take Time for Paradise, are just a paht of a math equation waiting to get worked out?
Doug:
Hmmm... I dunno I still think I prefer the whole Chaos Theory thing.
Al:
Seriously. Somewhere in Africa a lemah fahts...
Al:
And 3 months latah a Spandexed Bobby Valentine pedals into Spring Training.
Bill:
If you want a rock solid example of how much things have changed since 2004 it's this: A-Rod is suspended for all of 2014 but I have no opinion one way or the othah...
Bill:
I feel no emotion whatsovah.
Mike:
Here's the one emotion I feel—I am so so so so so glad that fate intervened when it did and prevented that trade to the Red Sox from evah happening.
Bill:
There but for the grace of God go I.
Mike:
Speaking of grace, World Series champions and Super Bowl champions at the same time?
Bill:
So let it be written; so let it be done (with the running game).
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry to drop another last minute outage on you, but I've got work seminar/training thing going on the next three days that is throwing the proverbial sabot into machinery.
See you on Monday?
Bill:
You know it's really easy to bemoan and belittle the decline of TV news and journalism, but let's give credit where credit is due...
Bill:
When it comes to temperature extremes I ask you where, just where are you going to turn to watch somebody fry an egg on the sidewalk on a hot day in July or throw a glass of watah in the air and watch it freeze on the way down on a record cold day in January?
Mike:
Let's face it, if it weren't for these breathless and timely on the scene reports, we as a people would surely forget that physical properties can change with temperature.
Bill:
And then you know what happens?
Mike:
Yeah, you get a whole lot of people walking around in the cold in various states of undress because nobody on TV told them 17 or 18 times a day that exposed skin can freeze in mere minutes in these extreme temperatures during the arctic vortex of death!
Mike:
Welcome back, Doug, I'm assuming you had a suitably high time in Colorado?
Doug:
I tell you what, there's nothing quite like watching the Northern Lights while enjoying a potent and fully legal strain of Northern Lights.
Al:
Would you evah considah moving out there perm?
Doug:
Abso-fricken-lutely.
Mike:
Wow, seriously? You'd leave the Red Sox and the beaches and clams for the mary jane? I had no idea your degree of commitment.
Doug:
Don't forget I like hiking and skiing, too, you know.
