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Hart Brachen:
So our long Soxaholix nightmare is finally over....
Hart Brachen:
"When I'm not talking up Obamacare and drinking hot chocolate, I let Derek Jeter rest his balls on my chin."
Hart Brachen:
Meanwhile, 3 World Series with essentially 3 completely different rosters in 10 seasons...
Hart Brachen:
If you're scoring that at home it beats
10 Lords a Leaping
9 Ladies Dancing
8 Maids a Milking
7 Swans a Swimming
6 Geese a Laying
5 Golden Rings
4 Calling Birds
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree
in terms of gifts.
Hart Brachen:
So to the surly and the lovable,
the curmudgeonly and the affable,
the creepy and the invisible,
the salty and the tealdorable,
the funny and the reliable...
To all of you Soxaholix I wish a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hart Brachen:
See you back here on or about January 2nd.
Mike:
No wondah Anglophiles nevah go out style.
Al:
Seriously. I know I'd look more forward to our annual gathering if there was a 25% chance for some sloppy, groppy, steamed window action in the back of my Camry.
Doug:
People are so worried that they're taking the "Christ" out of Christmas, when what we really need to be concerned about is putting more sex into Christmas. Priorities, people.
Mike:
You know, this is the kind of thing the robots will solve, right?
Al:
Yeah, you walk into the pahty wearing a velvet sportcoat and a robot greets you at the door, "Come with me, if you want to sex."
Doug:
Yeah, a trilogy no less.
Al:
Let's face it, Terminatah movies are like middle relievahs, you can't have too much.
Doug:
So I guess it's now de rigueur for a depahting athlete to take out a full page ad in his formah city's newspapah to tell the fans how much it all meant to him.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Just the guilty ones, Mr. Roy, just the guilt ones.
Doug:
What was he guilty of?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Bledsoe? Well, Bledsoe was guilty of not being Brady.
Doug:
Ah... yes, there is that.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Fridays sure start early around here.
[Update 12/17: It's cold. I need another day. — h.b.]
Doug:
The wintah meetings are quiet.
Doug:
It is a quiet time.
Bill:
Unless you're the Pope. He's always got something to say.
Doug:
Yeah, I heard aftah Cashman signed Beltran on top of $85 million seven years and $153 million to Jacoby Ellsbury, Francis called him up and said "If you're going to keep signing guys with one foot in the grave you ought to give Lazarus a look."
Doug:
Fire up brick oven and prepare a seat for Al and anothah seat for Al's ass.
Mike:
yeah, so much for stahting that paleo diet for 2014 eh, Al?
Al:
Look, if we were meant to live like cavemen, there wouldn't have been natural selection toward biggah brains of homo sapiens...
Al:
Or put anothah way, I think; therefore I eat pizza.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Outages of power and internet and a dastardly commute have all conspired against me this morning. Let's try again tomorrow. It is December, after all, no need to push ourselves. Oh, and we are World Champions. We can do whatever the frig we want.
Doug:
To anyone surprised by Ellsbury going to the Yankees I suggest you just having been paying attention. It's what the Yankees do.
Mike:
Seriously. I mean I totally expect one day to come home and find a note on the countah...
Dear Mike,
I've gone to live with the Yankees.
Sincerely,
The Dog.
Doug:
Yeah, and then you'll be all, "You know I nevah liked that dog much anyway. He nevah really fit in around here."
Mike:
Exactly, and good luck Yankees trying to walk that mutt around town on a leash... He's totally incorrigible.
Doug:
And then six months latah you look out the window and see your ex-dog walking with Cesah Milan and your ex-dog's doing a perfect heel and Cesah's wearing a Jetah jersey.
Mike:
Son of a fucking bitch!
Bill:
Well, I'll be damned, if it isn't Mahty Silvahstein...
Bill:
I thought you had gone into the good night, Mahts. I mean how long has it been anyway? Oh, wait, I think the last time I heard from you was just before the Red Sox took the lead for 1st place in the division...
Bill:
And when was that? Oh, that's right, they took the lead on Opening Day and kept it for all 162 and then right onto, wait for it... THE WORLD SERIES.
Marty:
Don't try to change the subject, Callaghan.
Bill:
What subject is that, Mahts, you ovah paying for a guy we loved but refuse to ovah pay?
Marty:
Ellsbury is going to haunt you 19 times a year. Oh, it's going to be delicious.
Bill:
OK, Mahts, I'm in a the magnanimous glow of being, cough, Champions of the World, so I'm going to grant you this: It does pain me to see Ellsbury in pinstripes...
Bill:
But I tell you what, Mahty, it would pain me more if the Sox paid 7/152 for a guy turning 30.
Marty:
Those that have the money, spend the money, Callaghan.
Bill:
Sure, Mahts, but how's that working out for ya?
Bill:
By my count, since Roberts stole second, the Red Sox have won 3 World Series while the Yankees have just the one.
Bill:
And where I went to school, 3 is greatah than 1.
Marty:
19 times a year, Callaghan.
Bill:
Yeah, 19 times to watch Granderson outhit Ellsbury at half the price. Looking forward to it.
Marty:
Rumors are not signings.
Bill:
Granderson or not, you know we'll find a way to countah and for less. It's what we do, Mahts. Out thinking beats out spending, oh, I dunno, 3 times to 1 I guess. Hahahahhaahhaaaaa.
Mike:
Drones in Fenway delivering hotdogs and beer directly to your seat.
Al:
Ah, does this mean we'll have listen to voice of Siri saying "Beah, heah!"?
Mike:
Or worse, the voice of Siri saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sensing you are inebriated. Can I get you a bottled water?"
Doug:
All this yet *still* no sex robots.
Bill:
Happy Cybah Monday.
Mike:
Sigh. What's the point?
Mike:
Frankincense? Gold? Myrrh? Really?
Bill:
Rumpa-pum-pum, bitches.
