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Al:
But before I enter the crackah-jack gates I feel compelled to confess a couple of sins...
Al:
Forgive me John Lackey for that nasty things I said and thought about you.
Doug:
Let me join you in this communal avowal in saying I am so so sorry David Ortiz for daring to think during one or more of your slumps ovah the past few seasons that the game had passed you by.
Mike:
And what about poor Ben Cherington? Were we evah wrong about his ability to replace Theo or what?
Doug:
But despite the moments that tested our faith, we were were always there, always fans...
Al:
Through the beer and chicken and the circus clown on his circus bike and other now forgotten tragedies and tribulations our hearts remained Red Sox hearts.
Mike:
The familiah resonates within us.
Mike:
And in this preciouse time it glows.
Doug:
Our resplendence is never quiet.
Mike:
Our resplendence ravels out into time, forevah...
Bill:
You know the last time the Red Sox won a World Series at Fenway? Wait for it...
1918.
Mike:
Hmmm... that year sounds oddly familiah.
Mike:
Best documentary evah.
Bill:
You know watching it I was *still* astonished when Roberts stole second.
Mike:
Seriously, watching those extraordinary four games unfold again I finally think I understand what Faulkner meant by "It would be nice if you could just ravel out into time."
Mike:
Those four days in Octobah are forevah raveling out into time.
Mike:
And we are forevah extant in both moments, the cursed epoch befoah Roberts steals second, and the infinite paradise evah aftah.
Bill:
We are a lucky people... We have been sanctified.
Mike:
And tonight we release the Lacken.
Bill:
As it is written, so it shall be done.
Susan/Circle:
Have you seen Papi's triple slash aftah 5 World Series games?
Susan/Circle:
.733/.750/1.267
Oh. Em. Fucking. Gee.
Mike:
Yeah, and then there's his play in the field: Ortiz just played 3 nights of textbook defense at 1st.
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. #beastmode
Mike:
7.2 innings of 4-hit, 1-run, seven-strikeout, putting Wainwright in the rearview excellence...
Mike:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the magic number is 1.
Susan/Circle:
Remembah Farrell's plan going into the World Series? Win at least 1 of 2 in Boston, win the series in St. Louis, and get at worst a split in Boston.
Mike:
Mastah and Commandah!
Susan/Circle:
For Boston, for home, and for the prize!
Al:
They should just go ahead and rename the 6-state region known as New England to "Papiland."
Mike:
The Marvelous Land of Oz: Being an Account of the Further Adventures of the Lackey and the Bearded Batsman.
Al:
♫ We're off to see El Papi, El Papi David Ortiz ♪
Doug:
You know if Dorothy had landed in Ortiz, she wouldn't have needed to kill the wicked witch because Papi wouldn't send a little girl to do a man's job.
Mike:
Besides, Papi makes witches his bitches.
Doug:
St Louis has a team of Clydesdales. We have a team with Papi. Advantage us.
Scene from a church:
In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man.*
Father Tim:
And there was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, "Give me legal protection from my opponent."
Father Tim:
For a while he was unwilling; but aftahward he said to himself, "Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow bothahs me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will wear me out."
Father Tim:
And the Lord said, "Hear what the unrighteous judge said."
Father Tim:
And there lies the message for the Red Sox.
Al:
Ah, so that's how it feels to lose a World Series game, I had forgotten.
Mike:
Hey, but look on the brightside. Thanks to Buck and McCahvah you now know everything in the world about Michael Wacha.
Doug:
Yeah, I mean I'm so fucking happy to learn that Wacha 2nd-youngest Cardinals stahting pitcher in World Series history, trailing only Paul Daffy Dean.
Al:
And he went to Texas A&M. And OMFG did you hear he's a rookie?!
Mike:
Thanks to Fox, I'm now so intimate with the Wacha's mom, dad, and awkward-stage sistah that I'm wondering if I need to add them to Christmas gift list.
Doug:
Do you have any idea how much it pisses me off that Wacha gets the win aftah leaving the game losing it?
Mike:
If not for the "uncharacteristic" play we win this. So my takeaway is we can beat Wacha, we can beat Wainwright, we can and will beat the Cardinals.
Doug:
Well, I sure hope St. Louis is feeling the appropriate World Series "vibe."
Bill:
Let's see... posh hotel close to the pahk? Check.
First class room service and lots of late night food options? Check.
Mental preparedness to be on one of the biggest stages in all of sport? Hey, we fucking forgot something ovah heah!
Doug:
Well, that first inning could have been worse... I mean as far as I know nobody can connect it to the rollout of HealthCar.gov.
Doug:
Yeah, and when even Buck and McCahvah who wear Cardinals jammies to bed each night were giving accolades to the Red Sox from the very staht of the telecast you knew something was in the air.
Bill:
What an absolutely fantastic staht.
Doug:
Bring on the Wacha!
Bill:
Release the Lacken!
Susan/Circle:
Is it time of mists and mellow fruitfullness?
Mike:
The giddiness of saying this hasn't even begun to subside:
The Red Sox are in the World Series!
Steve:
Meanwhile, I don't want to dampen the enthusiasm around here, but when I hear people nonchalantly tossing around "sweep" it makes me uncomfortable.
Steve:
I don't think folks realize just how good the 2013 St. Louis Cardinals are.
Mike:
It's a historic matchup.
Steve:
That it is, I mean consider this...
Steve:
Both have dynamic rookies Bogaerts and Wacha.
Steve:
Both have what could be the two best postseason players of a generation in Papi and Beltran.
Mike:
Going back to your admonishment regahding thinking about a sweep, let's recall that the 2004 Cardinals had 105 wins.
Steve:
These are *not* the 2004 Cardinals.
Steve:
Heh, don't get me wrong, we win this thing. Oh, fuck yeah we do.
Mike:
Any word on who's throwing out the ceremonial first pitch?
Steve:
Well, if Fox has a say, I'm sure it'll be either Verlandah or Scherzer, you know, the greatest pitchers ever and all.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I'm out of town for my annual anniversary bash and I'm writing this ahead for a Monday morning auto-publish. This means that by the time you read this, our collective fate will be sealed.
Keep your Sox on.
Doug:
And Uehara? Holy fucking shit I get goosebumps just saying his name.
Mike:
If you're not enjoying these games, then you are worse than Hitlah. And by Hitlah, I, of course, mean Ted Cruz.
Doug:
You know a lot of people talk about the so-called "intangibles"...
Doug:
But this team isn't winning because of intangibles...
Doug:
This team is winning because of talent, hustle, and guile.
Doctor:
Now, Timmy, I need you to understand something....
Doctor:
Do you know what happens to little boys who can't control their aggression?
Doctor:
They are medically disappeared, Timmy.
Doctor:
Does that sound like something for you, Timmy?
Timmy (getting head wrapped):
I don't guess so.
Doctor:
That's a good boy, Timmy.
Doctor:
So, Timmy, have you given any thoughts to what you'd like to do one day when you're older?
Jimmy (getting head wrapped):
Yeah.... I wanna grow a long fucking beard.
Doug:
Pizza for lunch, Al?
Al:
Pizza for breakfast, lunch, and suppah.
Mike:
You know we are in the midst of something spectaculah here, right?
Doug:
Absolutely. As Pinto writes, "These are two good offenses. To see starting pitchers close down the teams like this is truly amazing. When good pitching faces good hitting, they should pull each other toward the mean. Instead, the pitching is pulling the hitting to the bottom."
Al:
And can you believe one of the close down pitchahs is Lackey?
Doug:
If you told me in the April that Lackey would out duel Verlandah in a one-run Octobah ALCS game, well... you know the rest.
Mike:
April? Hell, if you told me that yestaday aftahnoon I'd have say roll me a spliff of what you're smoking.
Doug:
A Prince Fieldah spliff, short and plump.
Doug:
What's the word from ol' man Scrivenah?
Bill:
If you're done your work, get out the door by four...
Bill:
Stream to your haht's content.
Doug:
Gotta love the ol' man.
Bill:
If Bob Cratchit had worked for Scrivenah instead of Scrooge, Tiny Tim wouldn't have been born retahded
Doug:
I thought Tiny Tim was a cripple?
Al:
Yeah, it goes without saying...
Mike:
Talking about it somehow just doesn't do it justice.
Doug:
Talking about it ruins it.
Doug:
We just have the *privilege* to live in it.
Scene from a church:
Remembah, brothahs and sistahs...
Father Tim:
The devil does not possess a host for the purpose of doing harm to the host...
Father Tim:
No, the whole purpose of possession is to convince the witnesses that God could never love anyone so bestial and ugly.
Father Tim:
And we must be mindful of this when we hear the voice of Tim McCarvah.
Doug:
The best two teams in the league square off, appropriately so.
Bill:
It's The Athens of America vs. The Mogadishu of America.
Doug:
Ouch! That's rough even by my standards.
Bill:
Well, what can I say...
Bill:
One city is famous for its top-tier universities and has the most book stores per capita of any city...
Doug:
Yeah, and we're gonna have to fight like dogs to win 4...
Doug:
Sanchez, Scherzer, Verlander, Fistah
Sanchez, Scherzer, Verlander.
Bill:
Indeed, it's ominous.
Doug:
Seriously, you know they want to open with a Sanchez and close with a Fistah.
Bill:
Well, who wouldn't?
Mike:
It is your time of mists and mellow fruitfulness.
Mike:
Do the waving woods and waters wild hymn an autumn sound?
Susan/Circle:
But hear not the wind — view not the woods.
Look out o'er vale and hill—
There's baseball in Fenway still.
Susan/Circle:
Prepare for autumn's scathe.
Mike:
I'd like to staht by expressing the single sentiment which I believe we all share...
Al:
How about Bogaerts with perhaps the most bizarre line evah:
Mike:
And winning on a wild pitch and an infield hit... does it get bettah than this?
Doug:
And I know we're supposed to feel some sort of great respect for Tampa playing blah blah elimination games in a blah blah row and it finally blah blah catching up to them despite their so-called "fight" and "haht" and whatevah insipid adjectives the media wants to showah upon them, but I'm here to say Fuck the Motherfucking Rays to Hell. OK?
Al:
Seriously. They are a middling team with a middling season punctuated by a brief streak against a couple clubs who were even more middling.
Mike:
As the Tuna used to say, "You are what you are."
Doug:
Yeah, take him to the Gardenah museum and show him The Rape of Europa and say, "See, we all get what we deserve."
Mike:
Do not go into the white light!
Bill:
Seriously. It's like some sci-fi abattoir.
Mike:
Appropriately, the Rays are gonna die there tonight.
Bill:
Oh, without question. It's Peavey time.
Mike:
You know I don't want to take anything away from The 2004 Team...
Doug:
May Peace Be Upon Them
Mike:
Exactly. Their devine grace shall nevah be in question...
Mike:
But with that said, this 2013 club may be the most joyful to watch of any team evah.
Mike:
There is just, I dunno, a certain looseness about them...
Al:
A looseness wrapped in a swaggah....
Mike:
A looseness wrapped in a swaggah bound by a contagious camaraderie...
Al:
A looseness wrapped in a swaggah bound by a contagious camaraderie with beards.
Scene from a church:
And so it is said...
Father Tim:
'Tis easiah for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle...
Father Tim:
An offense that does not wait for the salvation of the 3 run homah...
Father Tim:
But is a righteous offense that seizes every opportunity...
Father Tim:
And is this not the way?
Father Tim:
No procrastination. No backward looks. Seize the day!
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
And I quote...
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
[long fading whistle]
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Welcome to the motherfucking postseason, Tampa.
Susan/Circle:
NANANANNANaNa
I can't hear you...
NANANANNANaNa
Mike:
Hah. But look having said that, it doesn't mean I think they are going to lose.
Susan/Circle:
Let's face it. If the Red Sox lose it'll come down to one reason.
Mike:
The government shutdown?
Bill:
Lestah vs Moore. 3pm tomorrow. Be there.
Doug:
I heard old man Scrivenah is shutting down the office at 2?
Bill:
Yeah, ol' man Scrivenah can be a prick, but at least he's a diehahd Sox fan prick.
Doug:
I like our chances.
Bill:
We're 12-7 regulah season.
Bill:
Our pitching has posted a dominating 2.93 ERA against them.
Bill:
The Rays have traveled like the distance between heah and Uranus in the past 12 days which has aged them 4 years or something.
Doug:
And we've got beards.
Al:
Well, as much as I hate everything about the Rays and having to play at least one game in their Sephora, Gap, Aunt Annie's Pretzels mall masquerading as a ballpahk I do believe I prefer facing them.
Doug:
Seriously, and for me, I don't think I can face the whole "Francona returns to Fenway" meme the media will gag us on.
Mike:
So...
Lester v. Moore
Lackey v. Price
Buchholz v. Cobb
Peavy v. Archer
Lester v. Price
That appeals to you guys?
Doug:
Fuck it. Yeah. Let's go through Tampa, Detroit, and the Dodgers just because we can.
Al:
Let's crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentation of their women, near women, transgendahs, hermaphrodites, and those marked as "refused to answer."
Bill:
Happy Government Shut Down Day!
Doug:
Well, only 34% is shut down, the othah 66% continues relentlessly to tax us, spy on us, and treat us with contempt.
Bill:
Good. Because I've found that viewing porn is far more titillating when I wondah if I'm being observed by an omniscient nanny.
Doug:
Does your omniscient nanny have a British accent?
Bill:
Speaking of playing well, the Red Sox succeeded beyond everyone's wildest expectations and tied for most wins in the Majahs... So why am I so nervous about the ALDS?
Doug:
Let's see... long layoff, short series, anything can happen?
