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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Do you think he's losing it?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I heard from a friend of a friend who's friends with Lisa the Temp that this morning he got up, went to the gym, went to work and then was in his second hour of the day job before he realized he'd forgotten to write a strip.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
What's that, Ted?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Yeah, I've heard that, too...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
H.B.'s been hitting the absinthe.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So I guess you could say he woke up with morning wormwood?
Doug:
My grans loved George Scott, the Red Sox, and baseball, in that ordah.
Al:
Seriously, my mom called him "Scotty" as if he were one of the neighborhood kids playing wiffle aftah school.
Al:
I mean Boomah was that kind of 1 in a million playah, the kind of playah who makes you tune in just to see him play as if he's a membah of your own family.
Al:
So long childhood hero.
Mike:
So long greatest fielding first baseman ever to wear Red Sox.
Doug:
So long, long tatahs.
Bill:
Well, that'll teach the NSA to listen in on the dugout phone.
Mike:
People tend to forget that "Go Big or Go Home" attitude applies to all things equally, including frustration.
Mike:
And speaking of lahgah than life, can you say "Yaz Statue"?
Bill:
Christ is that the awesome or what?
Bill:
So Red Sox back in first and a statue for Yaz, now that's how to staht of a Monday.
Mike:
63 degrees in August? This summah is ruinin' my summah!
Doug:
Yeah, I went to sleep with the window open and I thought I woke up between Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin the bed was so cold.
Doug:
Seriously. If I were Weinah I'd be all, "Hey, Huma, how about a hummah?"
Mike:
The world if full of things that don't make sense, like Hitlah being a good paintah or the Orioles dominance of the Red Sox the past couple seasons.
Doug:
I think it's well past time for that Orioles thing to end.
Hart:
It's your creepy host here riding the metaphysical trolley of life...
Hart:
And letting you know I need to take mental health day...
Hart:
I've got a wicked case of the malaise.
Hart:
Actually have had it since returning from vacation but today is first day it's led to writer's block.
Hart:
And I'm listening to the complete Smiths on endless loop on Spotify. That pretty much sums it up.
Hart:
"and lying in my bed / I think about life and I think about death / and neither one / particularly appeals to me"
Doug:
Ah, cancel that Rays victory parade.
Mike:
Yeah, Lestah rained all ovah it.
Doug:
Seriously, and his curve was so shahp late in the count that Carlos Dangah stahted to use a pic of it as a selfie Tweet on.
Mike:
And this could be the Red Sox last day in first place...
Mike:
But you know what I say?
Mike:
I say, "Bobby Valentine is *not* the managah of the Boston Red Sox!"
Bill:
We are all winnahs heah.
Mike:
Sigh. I wish the Royals all the best and all but every time I see Americans getting wood for the British Monarchy my innah John Adams goes "Harumph!"
Al:
I mean, don't get me wrong, the dude's one of the best evah to play the game, but... you know.
Doug:
Here's what I don't get. If we're giving him the standing adulation in July, what are we gonna do during the final Fenway Yankees series in Septembah?
Al:
A standing ovation while wearing a teal bridesmaid dress.
Mike:
I was thinking I'd create a clip art comic strip where the characters talk about nothing but Rivera and call it "Marianolix.com"
Doug:
That would be creepy.
Marty's apartment building:
[Phone Ringing]
Bill:
One ringy dingy... two ringy dingies...
Bill:
(Ah here we go...)
Knock, knock, Mahty!
Marty:
I don't have time for games, Callaghan.
Bill:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juana.
Juana who?
Juana help me find the Yankees offense?
Bwahahhahahhaa.
Bill:
Wow, the vaunted Yankees fan is now relying on superstition. How quaint.
Bill:
Do you need me to send a Haitian ovah with a chicken to do a Santeria dance for you?
Bill:
I mean, anything has got to help when you can't hit, can't take walks, and are at the bottom of MLB in homahs, right?
Marty:
Why don't you send someone ovah with a broom because I'm going to need it to sweep up after Sunday night's game.
Bill:
Sure, I'll see if Abnah Louima is free.
Marty:
Wow, Callaghan, you just stay classy over there.
Bill:
♫ You're in four-orth. Clap Clap. ClapClapClap. ♪ You're in four-or-orth!
Doug:
So before planning any duck boat parades, don't forget to check the forecast...
Doug:
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, only 50% of such teams leading their division at at the break actually won it out during the past five years, including just two of six teams last season.
Mike:
Yeah, but I'm with Pinto: It's a Moneyball offense and the pitching is good enough for the offense. They should be in contention to the end.
Doug:
The glass is definitely half-full.
Mike:
Even bettah, the first half of the glass contained a heady potion that has pretty much erased last season from my memory.
Doug:
Wait, what happened last season.
Doug:
So it's like this...
Doug:
At 58 wins the Red Sox...
Doug:
Have the most wins in all of baseball...
Doug:
Have just 11 fewah wins at the All Stah break than they had for the *entiah* 2012 season...
Doug:
And they are on a pace for 97 wins.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Exactly. So try my "John Farrell" dog.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yep. An all beef natural casing wurst, with homemade sauerkraut, and a touch of yellow mustard.
Doug:
Ummm... isn't that just and old school classic hot dog? What's the wrinkle?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
....
Doug:
Oh, I see what you're doing here.
Bill:
I dunno, I think all these "am I old" inflection points are relative...
Bill:
For example, I used to think it would mean I'm old when I found the kids' music unlistenable.
Bill:
Then I thought it would mean I'm old when I curbed impulse buying to focus on my retirment savings.
Bill:
Now I'm completely convinced that I'm not really old until a minah fall leads to a broken hip.
Doug:
Yeah, and then when you fall and break your hip you'll be all "Hey, at least I'm still walking you non-ambulatory old mothafuckahs!"
Bill:
Exactly. And then when I can no longah walk I'll be thinking I won't really be old until my frozen head has been at Arizona cryonics facility for a couple decades waiting to be unfrozen and reattached to a robot body.
Doug:
Our resplendence is nevah quiet.
Al:
Well, they say a a good vacation is ovah when you begin to yearn for your work, so by that measure my vacation is not really ovah.
Doug:
Seriously, throw in a couple more weeks and some high speed rail and it'd be downright European.
Al:
You know, next summah vacation I'm going to an adults only spot...
Al:
I mean babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off!
Al:
I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
Mike:
Well, time to go face the grindstone that is 2200 e-mails in the inbox.
Al:
It's easiah knowing the Sox were in first when you left on vacation and their in first when you returned from vacation.
Doug:
You know what's even easiah? Select All. Delete.
The Soxaholix are on holiday and will return July 15, 2013 …
Lisa the Temp:
You must be getting tired of this, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
I'm sorry.
Lisa the Temp:
It was like this when I got here.
The Soxaholix are on holiday and will return July 15, 2013 …
Lisa the Temp:
The best offices to temp in are the ones where nobody likes anybody else.
Lisa the Temp:
There is this one office I go to where the people the animous is so profound that nobody talks to anybody else.
Lisa the Temp:
And they use me to convey messages between then.
Lisa the Temp:
I like to reinterpret the messages.
Lisa the Temp:
Hillarity ensues.
The Soxaholix are on holiday and will return July 15, 2013 …
Lisa the Temp:
Often a temporary boss at a temporary office will become angry.
Lisa the Temp:
Sometimes this anger is unfortunately directed at the temp worker.
Lisa the Temp:
If you should ever find yourself in this situation, my peeps, this is my advice...
Lisa the Temp:
Smile serenely and say, "I am so sorry. It was like that when I got here."
Lisa the Temp:
Boomsauce!
The Soxaholix are on holiday and will return July 15, 2013 …
Lisa the Temp:
You know the best thing about being a temp, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
It's this: You *can* make the same mistake twice.
Lisa the Temp:
Or you can make a new mistake.
Lisa the Temp:
Every day.
Lisa the Temp:
In every way.
Lisa the Temp:
Seren-fucking-dipity.
The Soxaholix are on holiday and will return July 15, 2013 …
Lisa the Temp:
It's that time of the year again, peeps.
Lisa the Temp:
Summer Holiday.
Lisa the Temp:
For some, at least.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
As mentioned previously, I'll be on vacation starting today and won't return until Monday the 15th.
I've arranged for Lisa the Temp to be here every other day with placeholders for your Soxaholix community commentary.
Hasta luego,
H.B.