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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So I guess we can assume that this is the last Friday off for Brachen, as the season opens Monday and the Red Sox will be above .500 for the remainder of the 2013 season.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You've heard of Derek Jeter, right, Ted?
Doug:
Well, this is that point in Spring Training where there's pretty much nothing left to say.
Doug:
Speaking of lost identities, I got a call from the CitiBank fraud depahtment last night saying they noticed suspicious activity on my MastahCahd.
Doug:
It stahted with a fried chicken dinnah and ended with first class tickets to Rio on TAM... seems the chicken was to test the cahd's veracity.
Bill:
Hmmm... using fried chicken to test the limits of what you can get away with... now where have I seen that before?
Doug:
Well, you know what they say...
Doug:
Nobody expects a chicken supposition!
Bill:
It's chief weapon is ubiquity... ubiquity and crispiness... crispiness and ubiquity... The two weapons are ubiquity and crispiness... and a subtle juiciness.
Lisa the Temp:
I've been tasked today by your creepy host to gather your "official" and on the record win predictions for the 2013 season.
Lisa the Temp:
Yes, yes, I've been told there was an ad hoc breakout of prognostication a few days back but this will be the official tally.
Lisa the Temp:
Thanks in advance for your participation. And may your day be as bountiful as KK's preggers chi chas.
Mike:
Oh, don't you worry... Once the Red Sox crack medical staff gets a hold of him, well, you know...
Doug:
He'll be out for the season?
Al:
Nobody saw it coming.
Doug:
Is it me, or is this the longest spring training evah.
Mike:
1. You say that every spring training.
Mike:
2. This is the longest spring training evah.
Doug:
On the bright side, how cool is it that our biggest "crisis" of spring is the fear that we may be forced to demote to Pawtucket the offensive beast that is Jackie Bradley, Jr.
Doug:
Well, for years the Yankees have been like an ATM machine...
Doug:
And now it looks like the ATM machine is located in Cyprus.
Doug:
Yeah, not the best, not the worst.
Mike:
Which is exactly where you want to be in today's culture of mediocrity.
Doug:
Seriously, if your lineup is too good, it's really, really fucking mean to those teams with poor lineups.
Doug:
I think skinny people really should be forced to eat lots of junk food and sit on their asses because all that skinniness is simply killing the self-esteem of the fatties.
Mike:
Likewise, you good looking people? Well, if you can't plain yourself down, then just stay the fuck home, OK? You're making the fugs really uncomfortable with your goddamn milkshake.
Doug:
I mean, c'mon people, this country was founded on being average.
Mike:
Look. It's called Plimoth *Rock* for fuck's sake and not Plimoth Diamond. Jeez.
Doug:
"Give me mediocrity, or give me death!"
Mike:
Meanwhile in China a couple million tiger moms smell blood and smile.
Doug:
We are so fucking doomed.
Bill:
Yeah, or the summah grasses being all that remains of imperial dreams.
Bill:
It's like seeing that the hair metal band you saw during an arena tour in high school is years later playing at the county fair...
Mike:
And it's the afternoon show.
Mike:
Yeah, but you know who I really feel for in all this? Manny's grandma.
Mike:
I mean think about it...
Mike:
If Manny gets named to the Taiwan league's all star team, it means Manny's gran is going to have to travel all that way, eat some bad kimchee, and die, again, so that Manny can attend her funeral and get excused from the all stah festivities.
Mike:
That's some serious planning, across the international date line no less.
Bill:
Seriously, that's the kind of logistics that would give that creepy UPS guy some morning wood.
Mike:
Reminds me, I think I saw that UPS guy running the sound board at the county fair.
Bill:
You know he loves hair metal.
Doug:
So last night I had this crazy, pain killah induced dream in which Jon Lestah and John Lackey were fused into a single being.
Mike:
Whoa. A Lackstah! How freaky.
Doug:
Yeah, but the really freaky thing was that this Lackstah was totally unhittable.
Al:
Wow throw in an Eastern European slut signaling her availability for sex and you've got not just a dream but some nocturnal fruition.
Doug:
Well, it's all fun and games until Alfredo Aceves shows up and he's pissed off.
Mike:
Because it turns out the Eastern European is his slut.
Al:
And her name is Ditka.
Mike:
And Aceves has a shakh.
Doug:
No, two shahks and one chupacabra.
Al:
Ah, one if by land, two if by sea.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I wrote a strip. It was effed up because I couldn't get Lackey vs Lester straight. I'm on painkillers. Blah blah blah.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix spring vacation continues.
This is a placeholder for the creepy community yakking.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix are on Spring Break until next week.
Be sure to look for them in the next installment of "Drunken Clip Art Characters Gone Wild!!!"
Bill:
No, more than anything we prefer the guys on the club to be happy and productive.
Mike:
Shiny, happy, playahs laughing.
Bill:
Now happy and carrying a lead bat with an OBP undah .300, well, yeah, in that case we do prefer that you're miserable because you're making us fucking miserable.
Mike:
And when we're miserable, we love the company.
Bill:
But we'd rathah be happy.
Mike:
Gold and pennants shine.
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. And, really, it's a pretty good Mahch when there's only 3 things on the dis list and two involve prospects who aren't exactly household names.
Mike:
Personally, you know what my biggest disappointment of the 2013 Spring is? It's that I still remember the disappointment of the 2012 Spring Training and the ominous shit clouds forming on the horizon as Bobby Valentine strutted around the field.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, it's a memory I hope to soon shake.
Mike:
But it sticks around like a hair in one's mouth.
Susan/Circle:
There's nothing worse.
Mike:
Except finding out the hair is Veet's.
Susan/Circle:
I just puked in my mouth.
Mike:
That should clear it out.
Al:
Well woulda looky here, Lackey was "impressive" in his outing last night.
Mike:
Yeah, well, all I can say is gird your loins nations of the Caribbean.
Mike:
You have been warned.
Doug:
Trinidad and Tobago?
Al:
You're going to get a Lackey lumbago.
Al:
Lackey's back. You bettah Belize it.
Al:
No Lackey, no cry, mon.
Mike:
Oh, John Lackey, we kid because we love.
Mike:
And by "love" we, of course, mean: please once and for all prove to us that you aren't the douchebaggiest of all douchebag signings of the 21st Century.
Mike:
Because our resplendence is nevah quiet.
Al:
Our resplendence is real.
Doug:
Our resplendence has no bitch.
Bill:
You know, there really is something to be said fo just waking up in the morning and feeling fine...
Bill:
And if you happen to wake up in the morning feeling fine *and* you realize that Bobby Valentine is not the managah of your Boston Red Sox, well,...
Bill:
It may not be Elysium but it's close enough for now.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I either ate something contaminated or I have some passing stomach bug, but starting at about 10pm last night I've been in a pretty bad way.
Luckily I had some prophylactic Cipro in my travel kit that I started on and that at least curbed the vomiting and shakes which leaves just the, well, you know.
BTW this is probably as good a time as any to mention that next week I'll be on my annual Spring Break holiday. Glad I'm getting this now and not then.
I usually clear up from these things pretty quickly, so tomorrow should go on as scheduled.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So has everyone gotten used to the fact that Friday is an off day for The Soxaholix strip?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You do know it's Friday, right Ted?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, how silly of me, of course you do. Friday is the your trip to the titty bar day.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Don't get all fidgety, Ted, there are no secrets in the 21st Century...