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Bill:
Pfft... been there, done that, got the Kohoutek t-shirt.
Mike:
Cosmic let down, eh?
Bill:
Seriously. I'd actually rank my boyhood disappointment with the Comet Kohoutek that wasn't higher than my disappointment at losing the '75 World Series on my all 70s disappointment list.
Mike:
You know what went wrong with Kohoutek, right?
Bill:
Partial disintegration is what I was told.
Mike:
Well that and they should have named it Comet Varitek.
Al:
Seriously, it's not like rats have a history of being a vector in worldwide lethal plagues or anything.
Mike:
You know, cats killing things we like and not killing things we don't like, well, it's almost like they're working against us or something.
Doug:
I've always thought that. I mean just look at their behavior? Cats hold us in contempt. And they always look guilty of something. You can see it in their eyes.
Al:
So so-called cat people are sleeping with the enemy?
Doug:
I wondah if Lackey is a cat person?
Mike:
I dunno, but we do know he's a pussy.
Bill:
Yeah, it's beautiful but...
Bill:
But it's like watching one of those home redo shows on HGTV.
Bill:
You know, they walk into a house that's all cluttered with the inhabitants flotsam and jetsam all strewn about and ugly wall hangings and misaligned furniture and so on and so forth...
Bill:
Then the designah guru comes through and cleans it all up and makes the home beautiful, clean, usable, and livable and goes into a painstaking exposition to the inhabitants carefully laying out they heuristics of why its beautiful, clean, usable, and livable and the homeowners stare wide-eyed nodding their heads and emoting, "OMG! OMG! I can't believe this is the same house!"
Bill:
Meanwhile, 4 weeks later you know the inside of the home is totally fucked up again.
Mike:
Are you a misanthrope?
Bill:
No, I don't hate people. I just feel bettah when they aren't around.*
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So it looks like Brachen is taking today off.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I guess because he dropped a strip on Friday.
Susan/Circle:
This is the happiest I've been in years.
Mike:
Are you kidding me? I'm happiah than Ted Nugent at a shooting range.
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. I'm happiah than Ted Nugent at a shooting range that's piping in Ted Nugent music.
Mike:
So I wondah what is Pedro going to do as special assistant?
Susan/Circle:
Everything. And nothing.
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. Just their existence is enough for us mortals.
Mike:
Seriously, that's like Starbucks saying their having trouble selling coffee.
Doug:
It's like the Prince Harry saying he's running out of Taliban to kill.
Mike:
What's worse, poor Dave has to wait another whole year for Olympic curling.
Doug:
I'm shocked, shocked to learn that organized crime is involved in government incentivization programs.
Al:
And I'm not talking about a penchant for savage denim, cardigans, and a fascination with food trucks.
Mike:
One year with incentives if he remains healthy. I can live with that.
Doug:
Yeah, what could go wrong?
Bill:
I mean didn't he get the memo: arrogance is so fucking in.
Doug:
NH needs to change its motto to "Live arrogantly or die."
Mike:
Jeez, what a weekend.
Al:
Somebody needs to sacrifice a lamb or something.
Doug:
Too late. They used that lamb for Tom Brady's Uggs.
Al:
Funny how it only takes a minute to cook a pizza di Napoli but it takes months to sign a first baseman di Napoli.
Al:
So, anyone up for an early lunch?
Bill:
Ah, yeah, he probably did...
Bill:
I mean if you're going to shiv someone, you want the nastiest shiv possible.
Doug:
Likewise. Not only do I not want to spend a dime to enable the CHB's spite machine, in the end I just don't care much about the dirty laundry airing regardless of whom is doing the the hanging or by whom the laundry was sullied.
Bill:
Seriously. I could read that Henry, Werner, and Lucchino wanted to field a team made up entirely of Mexican Shemales o boost television ratings, and I'd be like, "Well, you know they did play a majah role in the ending the 1918 drought... And that shemale Carmencita at short is kinda hawt."
Doug:
Absolutely. While we frequently like to bust their balls, truth is everyone and anyone associated with the 2004 club—ownahs, managahs, coaches, playahs, hell even Pedro's little friend (may he rest in peace)— pretty much has an unexpired carte blanche with me.
Bill:
Besides even if we do learn that a member of the 2004 Bunch of Idiots did something heinous, they need only go on TV, tear up, and say a couple of Hail Oprahs and all is forgiven.
Doug:
"Hail Oprah, round of face.
Adored we are with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the book of thy club."
Al:
Yeah, that's a nice piece on Pedey.
Mike:
Though I had an honest to god guffaw at the "immeasureable intangibles" that he brings line.
Doug:
That's what this this team needs: a shitload more guys with immeasureable intangibles.
Doug:
Yeah, somebody get Carmine right on that.
Mike:
Heh, the day after Cherington asks Carmine to find playahs with immeasureable intangibles he shows up at work, swipes his key guard and gets a red light flashing "DENIED." He swipes it again, and still, "DENIED."
He punches the intercom button and says, "Carmine, open the Yawkey Way doors."
Carmine responds, "I'm sorry, Ben, but I can't do that."
Bill:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the perennial contendah, Tom Brady.
Mike:
With all due respect to the college kid, it's now time for the adult version starring Tommy Football.
Bill:
And people say life is hahd.
Doug:
Well, it's easy only if you're blessed as we are in being recipients of the largesse of the collective IQs of the best and the brightest on both Yawkey Way and Washington D.C.
Bill:
So who's head are they going to put on the trillion dollah coin?
Doug:
Christ, if I played that in high school I could have lettered.
Mike:
Puts an entirely new spin on the term LOOGY.
Al:
If that league could use a coach with a toothy smile who speaks Japanese, I've got a guy in mind.
Doug:
Do you think it makes me a bad American to confess that I have no desire to see the movie Lincoln?
Mike:
Personally, I couldn't give a rat's ass, but your Tea Baggah buddies may stop inviting you to Chick-Fil-A Day.
Doug:
The thing is, it's not just Lincoln but movies in general.
Mike:
Yeah, this is why we are drawn to live sports ovah movies.
Mike:
The athlete, out of that congeries of emotion, choice, strategy, knowledge of the terrain, mood of spectators, condition of others on the team, secret awareness of injury or weakness, and as nearly an absolute concentration as possible so that all externalities are integrated, all distraction absorbed by the self, must able to change the self so successfully that it changes us.
Mike:
Watching the athlete at play on the field "re-creates" in a way that the film actor nevah can and nevah will.
Mike:
And therein lies your disinterest.
Doug:
Well, that and the fact that Tom Cruise is at least a foot too short to play Jack Reachah.
Al:
Happy New Year, everyone.
Doug:
You know, I'm actually feeling pretty good about 2013.
Mike:
Well, why not? I mean think about it...
Mike:
We survived Bobby Valentine, the Mayan Apocalypse, and the Fiscal Cliff.
Mike:
After that, 2013 is going to be a walk in the pahk.
Al:
Are you kidding me, 2013 is going to be like a walk in the pahk and a float on a Swan boat.