Holiday Hiatus

Your omniscient author in absentia:


Merry Christmas Soxaholix Readers and a Happy New Year.

(We'll return on or about January 7, 2013.)

 

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Day one

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And so, just like that, the Mayan long count calendar begins anew.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Who the fuck saw that coming?

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Anyway, the office will be closing at noon for the holiday whose name HR doesn't permit me to utter.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And remember, Ted, when you're at the titty bar this afternoon, the VIP room is an attempt to separate you from your bonus and Destiny doesn't really think you're hot.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Am I right or am I right?

 

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So long cruel world

Mike:
Well, this is it, our final time togethah before the end of the world.

 

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Al:
I'm gonna miss the hell out of you guys.

 

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Doug:
I'm gonna miss the hell out of the chronic.

 

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Al:
There's no chronic in the Mayan afterlife?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but only in first class.

 

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Mike:
Upgrade?

 

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Doug:
Oh, c'mon, you know everything is blacked out during the holidays.

 

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Al:
The Mayans are a crafty people.

 

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Mike:
Indeed.

 

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We thought you'd like to know that your order of "Koji Uehara" has shipped.

Bill:
While I know what I'm about to say is a giant fart on Tim Berners Lee's vision of the World Wide Web, let it be known that Christmas shopping has gone from "fear and loathing" to "what a wonderful thing it is to buy presents" for me.

 

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Doug:
Likewise. The internet is the killah app for wanton consumerism and a robotic devotion to empty ritual... And I love every click, gesture, and swipe of it.

 

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Bill:
Turns out the future doesn't have flying cahs but it does have Amazon Prime free 2 day shipping, and, well, flying cahs are way the fuck overrated.

 

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Drummer needed for the band Spinal Tap

Steve:
Pokey Reese
Orlando Cabrera
Nomar Garciaparra
Cesar Crespo
Ricky Gutierrez
Mark Bellhorn

 

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Steve:
Edgar Renteria
Ramon Vazquez
Alex Cora
Mark Bellhorn

 

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Steve:
Alex Gonzalez
Alex Cora
Dustin Pedroia

 

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Steve:
Julio Lugo
Alex Cora
Royce Clayton

 

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Steve:
Julio Lugo
Jed Lowrie
Alex Cora

 

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Steve:
Nick Green
Alex Gonzalez
Julio Lugo
Jed Lowrie

 

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Steve:
Marco Scutaro
Jed Lowrie
Yamaico Navarro
Bill Hall
Angel Sanchez

 

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Steve:
Marco Scutaro
Jed Lowrie
Mike Aviles
Drew Sutton
Yamaico Navarro
Jose Iglesias

 

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Steve:
Mike Aviles
Jose Iglesias
Pedro Ciriaco
Nick Punto

 

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Steve:
Stephen Drew

 

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Mike:
Ah, yeah, hello, is this NASA?... Yeah, ah, I'd like to report a black hole... the location? Yeah, it's at Fenway Pahk, shortstop...

 

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Yeah, you know...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
I know many, if not most of you come here for a bit of diversion from the standard news of the day and generally I'm more than happy to oblige. Today, though, I've just got a case of the somber and can't seem to generate a strip.

 

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It's Friday, don't be down in the Demps

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
A 36-year old pitcher from the National League who's limited experience against American League hitter is sobering...

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
What could go wrong?

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, relax, Ted, I'm just kidding.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Dempster is good, not great, but at 2 years for a proven innings eater it's a prudent acquisition.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You know, like spending money for emergency hurricane relief 6 years after the hurricane.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You have to think ahead. That's what I'm talking about.

 

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Marty is still out there, lurking around

Marty:
Hey, there, Callaghan, long time no see!

 

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Marty:
So I just realized something, Bill... With all due respect to Flannery O'Connor, she was close but didn't have it quite right when her phrase "Everything that rises must converge."

 

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Marty:
What she really needed to say was "Everything that rises must converge in pinstripes"

 

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Marty:
Yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuk!

 

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Marty:
Oh, but don't worry, Bill, I'm sure Youkilis is in the twilight of his career.

 

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Marty:
You know, like Boggs, Clemens, Damon...

 

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Marty:
Bwahahahahhahaa.

 

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Bill:
So, Mahts, how did the Yankees do last season?

 

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Marty:
A fuck of a lot better than the Red Sux, Billy Boy.

 

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Bill:
Oh, c'mon, Mahty, you know how things are in the big leagues. It's like the original version of the Gilligan's Island theme song, it's the World Series Champions &and the rest&...

 

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Marty:
It doesn't surprise me you've got Gilligan's Island on your brain, Bill, watching Bobby Valentine this season was like watching Gilligan helping the Skipper to repair the Minnow.

 

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Right to work (for the Yankees)

Doug:
Hey, who needs the NHL?

 

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Doug:
I mean if you want witness random thuggery, we've got union protests.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of wanting to punch something, Youks to the Yanks.

 

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Doug:
12/12/12, dude.

 

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Mike:
Hopefully, somebody will have something fun to yak about on January 1, 3001.

 

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Fastpass eligible

Mike:
Rays execute a blockbustah.

 

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Doug:
Nothin' to see here people, move along.

 

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Al:
But, hey, Pedro's coming back.

 

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Doug:
I know that people who forget the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them, but what the fuck happens to the people who live in the past?

 

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Mike:
I guess we'll find out.

 

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Doug:
We should have just quit when were ahead and dialed up Madame Tussauds to create wax figures of the 2004 team and turn Fenway into a museum.

 

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Al:
You know, I'd pay to see that.

 

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Mike:
Oh, c'mon, think biggah. Sell the whole thing to Disney and turn Fenway and the two World Series into an imagineered immersive attraction.

 

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Doug:
They could call it "The Cowboy Up!"

 

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Al:
You know, I'd pay *and* wait in line to ride that.

 

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We the people

Mike:
You know as bad as it's been for Red Sox fans the past couple years, it could be worse—we could be Livahpudlians.

 

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Mike:
I mean as this piece from Steve Silva points out, at least our owners are in the same region and share the same nationality.

 

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Steve:
But can you believe that John Henry was surprised to find that fans of both clubs were critical and felt slighted whenever money was spent on one club instead of the other even when both clubs were benefiting from the largesse?

 

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Steve:
I mean talk about being out of touch with the fans.

 

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Mike:
Well, aftah the scarf scene in the Moneyball movie, John Henry's aloofness doesn't phase me.

 

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Steve:
Yeah, with that kind of detachment and wealth, he really should consider a career in politics.

 

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Regrets I've had a few

Bill:
So numbah 3 on the list a nurse compiled of people's regrets when dying isI wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

 

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Bill:
Now, see, aren't you glad your a Red Sox fan who has no hesitation at expressing your feelings... and expressing them again... and again.

 

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Doug:
Yes, today I considah myself the luckiest fan on the face of the earth... provided you don't mention a name that rhymes with Don Jackey.

 

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Bill:
So the Red Sox front office insists there is no trade in the works for Ellsbury.

 

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Doug:
Which by "no intention" Cherington means, of course, that they have every intention in the world of trading Ellsbury.

 

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So much for the 'discipline' thing

Mike:
Shane Victorino?

 

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Mike:
Are you shitting me?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I heard that and threw up my mouth.

 

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Mike:
Is Ben Cherington actually a zombie created from the brain of Lou Gorman?

 

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Doug:
Little potential upside and a lot of potential downside. Yah us! #FTW!

 

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Mike:
I hope there's something to this Mayan thing otherwise 2013 is gonna be a bitch.

 

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The brick oven heats up

Mike:
Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, the catcher first baseman, Mike Napoli.

 

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Al:
And I know what I'm having for lunch.

 

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Doug:
3 years for a 31 year old guy the Rangers didn't want to go beyond 2 years for?

 

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Mike:
Considering the mahket and the club's needs, I'm fine with this deal at 3-years.

 

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Mike:
Napoli's a right-handed bat with powah, has demonstrated above average OBP skills, and provides us with some flexibility behind the plate.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and I guess it's what you do when you have money to spend but want to get younger ovah the longah term and stay competitive in the shortah term.

 

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Al:
Now that we've got that settled, let's move on to the important stuff—should I get the funghi or the anchovies?

 

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The shadows of ringdoves chanting

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Is it just me or have the Winter Meetings really lost a lot of pizzaz?

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
In the 24/7/365 Twitterpalooza news and rumor cycle the Winter Meetings feel like just another day.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Unless you're actually there.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Because then there's Scott Boras.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And hookers.

 

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