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Doctor:
You know, Timmy, even under Obamacare extreme obstinance is not covered as a pre-existing condition.
Doctor:
Sometimes you just have to turn the other cheek.
Jimmy (getting head wrapped):
It's a rebuilding year...
Jimmy (getting head wrapped):
As much as I love and respect Papi, signing a long in the tooth DH for, what, 14-15 mil? is just not a wise move.
Jimmy (getting head wrapped):
OUCH!
Doctor:
Oh, I'm sorry, Timmy, is that too tight?
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Did all you creeps survive the storm?
Feeling better today, good enough to attempt work, but I'm dragging still so no strip yet.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I've managed to pick up some nondescript upper-respiratory, fever, sore throat, aches & pains illness that began on Friday and continues into today.
There was a time when I would have just worked through it and punched out a new strip—These are not those times.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
It's that time of the year again, the Fall Break.
And, no, you're not imagining it—I've taken a crapload of vacations this year.
Let's just hope I don't run into A-Rod who, coincidentally, is starting a fall vacation today, too.
Doug:
I confess I'm don't feel any special fervor for John Farrell.
Doug:
But, a vis-à-vis our last manager, hearing his name doesn't make convulse eithah.
Mike:
Yeah, I confess to not having any particular skill at assessing a potential manager's abilities aftah being underwhelmed by the Francona hire originally. Shows you what I know.
Doug:
Yeah, I'll stick to picking out Real Dolls.
Mike:
They're like snowflakes.
Doug:
No, shit, "candidates are asked dozens of questions and are tested via video simulations to determine how sound their strategy would be."
Doug:
This is the same "process" that led to Bobby Fucking Valentine?
Doug:
I'm not really tingling with confidence ovah heah.
Mike:
Now if they were truly magnanimous they'd offer a rebate to anyone who went to game between Septembah 2011 and Septembah 2012.
Mike:
Who aren't the Red Sox interviewing?
Doug:
Seriously. Take a numbah, wait you turn.
Al:
How's the mortadella?
Susan/Circle:
Bend with the apples. Gathah with the swallows.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Then again maybe it's fitting...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I mean we've got Ben Cherington confessing that the front office wasn't "disciplined enough"...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And then in the same story you've got the same Cherington telling us that a "healthy" Lackey will will be counted on as one of the five starting pitchers in 2013.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Yeah, talk about a razor blade in your Halloween apple.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Trick or treat, bitches.
Bill:
Who knew the toughest paht of breaking the sound barriah during a free fall descent would be getting the friggin ascension balloon off the ground in the first place?
Doug:
Oh, I'm sure Joseph and Jacques knew?
Doug:
Sigh. Your reaction is so typical...
Doug:
It's a god damn shame that hahdly anyone knows about the Montgolfier Brothers, the friggin fathahs of aviation.
Bill:
Hey, this is 21st Century America. It isn't valid history unless Hollywood makes a movie about it.
Doug:
"In a world where men were bound to the Earth...
Two brothers. One sackcloth. And a lot of hot air..."
Bill:
That's a staht but you're gonna need, you know, a cliche Hollywood plot trope of some sort.
Doug:
OK, got it...
"In a world where men were bound to Earth...
Two brothers, a dream to touch the clouds... and the woman they both loved!
CUT TO EXTERIOR, A FIELD OUTSIDE OF ANNONAY, FRANCE
'O Joseph! O Jacques! Ne pas me faire choisir! Il est vrai. Je t'aime tant!'"
Bill:
There you go. Cast Nora Arnezeder in the role of the temptress and I'm Fandangoing the fuck out of that.
Al:
Wait, what!? Joran Van der Sloot has a girlfriend!?
Al:
Wait, what!? Joran Van der Sloot has a girlfriend who makes conjugal visits to him in prison!?
Mike:
"Nature will find a way."
Doug:
Talk about a serious rebuilding project.
Al:
Yeah, but here's the friggin rub — Van der Sloot's prison-spawned progeny will already be conniving his or her kindergarden classmates into nefarious predicaments involving blunt sciccors and paste while the Red Sox will still be looking for a closah and a 1st baseman to replace Gonzalez.
Bill:
Are you kidding me? I haven't been this excited since I was a kid waiting for Evel Knievel's Snake Canyon jump.
Bill:
Yeah, but his success will be bittahsweet won't it?
Bill:
I mean there goes the record for longest and fastest free fall held by your 2011 Boston Red Sox.
Bill:
I'm here all week, folks, try the tilapia.
Bill:
Seriously. Personal accountability is to fucking overrated these days.
Doug:
And let's face it. Larry would have nevah hired Valentine in the first place if it wasn't for bringing in John Kerry to help with the prep work.
Bill:
Burn John Kerry! He's a witch!
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So let me get this straight...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Lucchino was responsible for the first time Theo quit otherwise known as "The Day of the Gorilla Suit."
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And Lucchino remains the reason why Theo eventually left for real for the Cubbies.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
If you're scoring this at home, that is 3 strikes.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Get the fuck outta here, Lucky.
Doug:
What a difference a day makes.... I'm suddenly optimistic about the future for the first time in a long, long time.
Doug:
Well, yeah, that, too.
Al:
Uh, Doug, I — you may want to move on to another topic.
Bill:
Well, this is it...
Bill:
Aftah what seems like 1000 and 62 games, the Red Sox can at long last gently go into that good night.
Mike:
Yep and no burning or raving or raging against it for this crew.
Bill:
Nope. This group not only had time to stop for death, they had time to kick back and wait for it.
Mike:
Yeah, and when death finally did show up they were all, "Wait, you didn't bring the fucking chicken?"
Mike:
Like we owe anything to those mothahfuckahs.
Mike:
If you want to win it, you gotta earn it, bitches.
Doug:
Jeffrey Maier wah wah wah.
Bill:
90 losses (and counting).
Bill:
The worst Red Sox record since France left NATO and Star Trek premiered on network TV.
Mike:
Somewhat fitting on the latter since this team pretty much looks like they've had all the salt sucked out of their system.
Bill:
Red shirt. Red Sox. Imminent death. Coincidence? I think not.
