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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Looks like Ted here can enter that hot dog eating contest after all.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Tough to beat the Japanese, though.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But I'm pretty sure I could kick Dice-K's ass.
Your creepy author's existential crisis has spread to the creepy characters …
Bill (thinking to himself):
The Red Sox died today.
Bill (thinking to himself):
Or maybe yesterday; I can't be sure.
Bill (thinking to himself):
Do not wait for the Last Judgment.
Bill (thinking to himself):
It takes place every day.
Al:
He may have been tagged with a 10 run loss but, you know, that's nothing that a drive thru In-N-Out aftah the game for a couple double double animal styles can't cure.
Doug:
What do you mean *aftah* the game?
Al:
Yeah, that's the positive thinking...
Al:
On the the negative side an extra $29 million can lead to poor decisions on just grabbing someone just because you can.
Hart Brachen:
Your humble author here on the metaphorical trolley of life... next stop unknown but what is known is that it'll smell of urine.
Hart Brachen:
Late start to the day then I pulled an ass muscle at the gym and now it I can't seem to get comfortable in my body and all this on top of a brewing existential "is this it? life? fuck" malaise and, well, no creepy strip today.
Doug:
Arturo! Glad to see you here as usual...
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Oh, no worries, Mr. Roy, I'm a 10/5 guy.
Doug:
So you're liking the trade?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, the way things are going, any excitement that doesn't cause bodily injury or destruction of property seems like a net win.
Doug:
They've definitely unshackled themselves from some salary ball and chain for some serious rebuilding.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
With Bobby Valentine at the helm. Heh.
Doug:
Yeah, there's that, and let's face it— ownahship is too in debt to evah do a serious 3-4 year rebuilding... There's going to be pressure win soon.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yeah, and you know what that means, somewhere out there is another overpriced, on the wrong side of a performance peak, Carl Crawford type just waiting for a Larry Lucchino woody to make it so.
Doug:
Hello, Josh Hamilton.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You know someday society is going to look back at the puritanical approach to performance enhancing drugs the same we now look back dumfounded at primitive man's fear of the solar eclipse or mid 20th Century man's fear of breaking the sound barrier.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
We are humans, fusing ourselves with technology is our destiny.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Speaking of destiny who is up for Arturo's for lunch?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But Ted here knows somebody who knows somebody who knows krav maga so we should be fine.
Bill:
Well, the the battle of the most dissapointing teams of 2012 the Red Sox er,... disappoint.
Doug:
Hey, I think I just came up with my costume for this year's Halloween:
A hobgoblin of consistency!
Bill:
Would the last person with faith in the 2012 Red Sox please turn out the lights before leaving.
Bill:
Seriously, a Kennedy hasen't had someone this tough to get rid of since Nikita Khrushchev.
Susan/Circle:
Well, the only thing surprising about the results of that survey is that the Sox managed to hang on to second.
Mike:
Oh, c'mon, our friggin managah speaks Japanese fercrissakes!
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, poor Belichick's only second language is winningese.
Al:
Who's that? A strikah for the Revs?
Mike:
So they're finally getting rid of the guys they hired before bringing on Bobby V as skippah...
And you undahstand what this portends, right?
Al:
Valentine is coming back for 2013!
Bill:
But there's nothing sexy about the 2012 Red Sox.
Mike:
No, but they sure are desperate.
Bill:
Speaking of desperate, if I'm Cherington I'm on the phone with Suleman to float a straight up trade of Lackey for all 8 of the Octospawn?
It's another "Red Sox under .500 Friday" which technically means no strip at all, but here's a little something just the same …
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I don't care if he pushed grandma off the cliff, bitch was old.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Meat me at the harbor, Congressman...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I'll be dressed as an Indian.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You bring the tea bags.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
We'll party.
Bill:
Welcome to the hottest new reality show, "The Housewives of Yawkey Way."
Bill:
Now John Henry is back lamenting that the "privacy code" was broken when somebody leaked the "secret meeting" details to Passan that prompted the text message breakup story.
Doug:
I love the irony of the Red Sox front office getting on a high horse about honor and codes when they had Shaughnessy et al on speed dial last year to throw out chum about Tito being philanderah and drug addict as they ran him out town.
Bill:
And, of course, Henry says all the playahs love Valentine.
Doug:
I'll help John Henry pick out a scarf for his wife if he admits that hiring Bobby V was a mistake.
Bill:
Yeah, the Valentine decision is a classic case of cutting off the nose to spite the face.
Doug:
Hiring Valentine was more like plugging up the anus to spite the colon.
Doug:
Holy shit are you kidding me?
Doug:
Jesus H. Mohammed I knew these guys were beta males but I didn't know it was this bad.
Mike:
Seriously. What's next in the panoply of beta behavior? Gratuitous compliments to ownership? Frequent voice mail messages about wanting to hang out? Picking them up at the airport?
Doug:
These guys will probably skip right to the beta male fantasy of watching their wives or girlfriends get banged by anothah dude.
Al:
Yeah, and the othah dude is Derek Jetah.
Mike:
And then, of course, if the playahs are disappointing there's still Bobby Valentine...
Doug:
Yeah, the front office thinks the playahs need to be taught a lesson aftah Beer-Chicken-Throw-Tito-Undah-bus-gate and they go and hire a guy with history of divide-and-conquer management whose pink slip from every team he worked for saw was stamped with "douchebag" and was essentially exiled to Japan for 10 years...
Doug:
And, oh surprise surprise we get the exact same divide-and-conquer managah but, you know, now he speaks Japanese!
Al:
Our playahs suck. Our managah sucks. Our front office sucks.
Mike:
I know it's difficult to stay on top but back in 2007 aftah the 2nd World Series in 4 seasons I nevah not evah thought we'd be here where we are now.
Doug:
God Hates Us. Again.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? Wall Street hates us and Occupy Wall Street hates us.
Al:
Puppies hate us. Kittens hate us.
Mike:
The gays hate us. The straights hate us. All 50 fucking shades of Gray hate us.
Al:
Obama hates us. Paul Ryan hates us and the old grandma Paul Ryan pushed ovah the cliff hates us.
Doug:
Iran and Israel? They hate us.
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Mike:
Well, nothing quite defines the exceptionalism of British pop music like the Spice Girls and Jessie J.
Doug:
Seriously. No wondah the sun set on the British Empire.
Mike:
I did like the nude body suit action, but, Jessie J standing in for Freddy Mercury was incongruous at best and incredibly lame at worst.
Doug:
Yeah, Jessie J singing Queen is as ill-fitting as John Lackey pitching at Fenway.
Mike:
Christ, just when I'm stahting to come to peace with "wait until next year" you have to go an remind me what next year really entails.
Doug:
Wait until next, next year?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
55-58?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
That's gotta shame even you Ted.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Some want to blame ownership.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Some want to blame Cherington.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Some want to blame Bobby Valentine.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But we all know who's really to blame...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Mitt Romney killed the Red Sox.
Doug:
Yeah, but a comeback when Beckett is pitching is like swimming upstream with two 12pc buckets of chicken attached to your ankles.
Mike:
I once knew a man named Josh Beckett
Whose stahts were like money in your pocket
Mike:
But then he started to weaken
Some say it was due to the chicken
Mike:
The sunset is rented so fuck it.
Mike:
To be fair there have been the Cody Ross walkoffs.
Doug:
Yeah, there's the occasional one man heroics, but I don't recall a whole lot of team effort, grinding it out, one run at a time, rally cappahs do you?
Mike:
You know I think that the "chemistry" angle is really ovahplayed in general, but for the 2012 Red Sox I do believe we have some bad chemistry at work.
Al:
Bad chemistry? Let's put it this way: These guys are a meth lab being run out of a Motel 6 on a sad, lonely highway in the Ozarks.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? The air that surrounds this team is so lethal that they are being scouted by fucking Hezbollah.
Mike:
It's the ballad of the .500 club— 7 doubles today, 7 troubles tomorrow.
Bill:
We are firmly entrenched at .500 aren't we?
Mike:
♫ We all live in a piss yellow submarine, piss yellow submarine, piss yellow submarine...
Bill:
Full speed ahead, Mr. Pahkah.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
In a world where The Soxaholix take vacation so you don't have to...
We'll be back to normal programming on Tuesday.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that by Tuesday the Red Sox will probably be, er, right around .500.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
I'm working on the "Josh Beckett" special I plan to serve on days he stahts.
Doug:
Lemme guess... it involves chicken?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
How sagacious of you Mr. Roy!
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
It's a chicken sausage topped with beer battered onion rings cut into a small dice.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
No, a few years ago it might have had mustard but not anymore.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
But I do suggest a liberal dose of southern pepper sauce.
Doug:
Ah, to give it a touch of the cantankerous going down.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Exactly.
Doug:
Ok, I'll try it, but what if I don't like it?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Sorry, you're stuck with it. It has no trade value I'm afraid.
Mike:
Thank you Red Sox for putting the "dead" in trade deadline.
Doug:
C'mon. What part of trading Lars Anderson, Matt Albers, and Scott Podsednik for Craig Breslow and Steven Wright doesn't strike you as bold and decisive?
Mike:
Meanwhile, so much for the Carl Crawford "4 day plan."...
Al:
So let me get this straight — either Crawford is OK or he needs surgery depending upon whom you ask?
Mike:
Welcome to 2012: The Season of Ambivalence, where we can't even get bold and decisive injuries.
Doug:
It's like the Red Sox are the ultimate beta males and they are dragging us along as wingmen to a fabulous fail fest.
