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Mike:
You know things are abysmal when guys are punching walls aftah being robbed of a mere single.
Doug:
Yeah, you also know reached some nadir when the normally caustic Boston media realizes negative it the new normal so they try to go positive to stand out as in this one from the Globe:
"With Tuesday's trade deadline looming, the Sox are hitting a stride, and could make a statement Tuesday night against Justin Verlander."
Doug:
A "statement?" Really?
Doug:
I mean I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find the Pedey's been diagnosed with the West Nile Virus.
Al:
But why does it feel like this is an example of the even a broken clock is right twice a day aphorism.
Doug:
I've nevah understood why people keep these broken clocks around in the first place.
Mike:
Well, could be a heirloom... a cuckoo clock for instance.
Al:
Or maybe it's just out of batteries.
Mike:
I think we should just go way back retro and refer to a sundial.
Doug:
My grans has one in her gahden.
Al:
Yeah, what time does it say it is for the Red Sox?
Doug:
Cloudy with a chance of catcalls.
The tradition of not publishing Red Sox related content on Friday's in which the club is under .500 continues …
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Well, at least we've got the Olympics to kill time...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure am hoping that they focus even more on the uplifting, emotional, and dramatic personal stories of the various athletes.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Because let's face it, it's all about the pageantry and emotion.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, and the medal counts. Can't forget the medal counts.
Mike:
Seriously, if Josh Beckett were any more wild he'd be on display at Whole Foods between the harpoon-caught swordfish and hand-harvested Peruvian quinoa.
Bill:
So we are officially fucked. 2012 is gone. 2013 isn't looking any bettah without some renovations. But we can't "blow up" the team because our veterans nearly no value.
Mike:
The Red Sox Twitter account has 2 new followers: @Scylla and @Charybdis.
Doug:
Remembah the days when a loss struck you as an abberation instead of win?
Mike:
Barely. It's all fuzzy like trying to recall a dream involving a Jesuit priest, a midget, and a strippah named Mercy.
Doug:
So it took Valentine 7 games to figure out what Tito learning in 2.
Mike:
At least Crawford's taking it well, considering will soonah see a Chick-fil-A on the Freedom Trail before seeing Crawford at the top of the order again.
Doug:
You know what Chick-fil-A calls a gay dude in one of their franchises?
Mike:
Whatev but Menino's got a point.
Al:
I think it's time for spectaculonormous trade deadline yayd sale.
Doug:
Yeah, but at a Red Sox yayd sale it's gonna be like pulling up to curb and seeing that what's being offerred includes used underwear, a pair of dentures, and a funeral wreath (only used once!).
Mike:
Oh, c'mon, we've got guys with trade value, look at Ellsbury. And Salty.
Doug:
Really? Somehow I can't picture Nolan Ryan and "desperate" existing in the same universe.
Al:
Yeah, you've got a point. If Nolan Ryan drives up to your metaphorical yahd sale, that set of used dentures erupts into spontaneous teeth chattering.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Out of town, long weekend. See you tomorrow (Tuesday).
Doug:
Hey, Arturo, what's the word? Any specials.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
But, of course...
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Today I'm introducing the Cody Ross.
Doug:
I'm with you on the classic metaphor as Ross' swing seems tailor made for Fenway and is reminiscent of the some quintessential right-handed hittahs to don the red stockings...
Doug:
But if just mustard/relish/onion what makes it a "Cody Ross."
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ah, Mr. Roy, that's just it...
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
As you turn and "walk off" I holler, "Hey, buddy, the next 3 are on the house!"
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Boom. Unexpected. Boom. Game winnah.
Doug:
Arturo, you are like the Ted Williams of hot dog vendahs.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, you know it is Mr. Roy, I try to keep my head on straight.
Doug:
Maybe, but I'll take it.
Mike:
You know what else I'll take? The surprising rise of Felix Doubront.
Doug:
Guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I've always found that having a doobie on hand can leads to all mannah of the unexpected.
Mike:
And in the realm of the not unexpected, Carl Crawford is still all pouty face ovah Tito dropping him in the batting ordah so quickly in 2011.
Doug:
Any word on whethah Francona made the rostah change on a Monday?
Doug:
Hey, I'm just askin' is all...
Al:
Hey, how come we can't get guys like that?
Doug:
As soon as that trade was made you knew there were gonna be nights like last night.
Mike:
Before we staht taking nominations for secretary and treasurer of the Kevin Youkilis fan club can we step back a second and consider the following timeline:
Mike:
Youks was pretty lousy, then he was less lousy, then he hit a small hot strek, then he gets traded and is pretty lousy for 7 games, then he goes red hot ovah a 6 game stretch—All Star Break— goes fish cold for the KC series, then comes into Boston and warms up a bit.
Mike:
Anothah way of saying hahd to say if this is a trend upwards or just the fallacy of the small sample size.
Al:
Yeah, well, don't let @chefyouk here you say that.
Doug:
Seriously. Bro will spit in your risotto while the rice is toasting.
Mike:
Speaking of nutty... Theo's stalkah?
Al:
Ah, that's it— She's no stalkah; she's the "Ghost of Shortstops Past"!
Doug:
What still hurting from your first yoga experience?
Bill:
Yeah, but it's getting bettah—it only hurts when I sit, stand, or lie down.
Bill:
The same David Ortiz who in each of his past 10 games has at least 1 hit and 1 walk, the longest streak in Sox history.
Doug:
Somewhere in a cryogenic lab in Arizona the frozen dismembered head of Ted Williams would smile, if frozen dismembered heads were, you know, capable of smiling.
Bill:
Don't make me laugh, it hurts my bottom chakra.
Doug:
Maybe you need Kali to lend you a hand?
Doug:
Well, in taking 2 of 3 from the the Rays, the staht of the 2nd half beats the heck out of the staht to the 1st half.
Doug:
You know, the only people I know who get the flu in the summah are Red Sox baseball playahs.
Mike:
The CDC should set up a branch office at Fenway because when the global pandemic begins, Patient 0 will most likely be there.
Doug:
Actually, as unhealthy as the team is, somebody should sign them up for a medical alert system.
Doug:
"And then it happened—I was bending ovah to kiss a baby in a strollah while holding a crullah and my back went out. It was so comforting to hear that voice on the line: 'Don't worry, Mr. Gonzalez, help is on the way.'"
Mike:
And by "help" they of course mean Bobby Valentine driving a rodeo clown car.
Doug:
OK, because I was fortunate enough to wake, bake, and sate with a cruller this morning, I'm willing to go a bit nuts with a the following prediction....
Doug:
The Red Sox will remain at .500 until they leave .500.
Mike:
Meanwhile, if your anecdotal observations had you thinking the Red Sox score lots of runs when they don't need them and not enough runs when they do need them, well, the stats bear this out.
Al:
Pinto calls those "story" stats.
Doug:
And the story on the 2012 Red Sox is that they are boring.
Al:
They are 50 Shades of Gray without the sex.
Mike:
They are opening a gift and finding anothah friggin scarf from John Henry.
Your creepy host has found himself with nothing to say this morning…
Green Line Announcement:
Next stop [garbled]... [garbled] next stop.
Doug:
Hey, on the bright side... The beauty of sitting in last place is it's highly unlikely loss of home field advantage in the World Series will have much effect on our fortunes.
Mike:
So who sees a 2nd half surge?
Al:
I dunno... I'm feeling more of a 2nd verse same as the first tune playing in my head.
Doug:
Yeah, I feel as if I may as well just cut to the chase and, you know, pack up my things and move in with Brad Pitt's mom.
Bill:
Sigh. And so long to my idea for a prequel to Fever Pitch with Borgnine as Grady Little and Chris Rock as the left in too long Pedro.
Bill:
Why not? The guy invented the wrap sandwich for chrissakes. His creativity knows no bounds.
Mike:
Valentine aside, I want to see it.
Bill:
Beisbol, tropical island paradise, hints of MLB as colonialist oppressah... what's not to like?
Al:
Hey, how was vacation?
Mike:
Ah, you know how it is...
Doug:
Christ, does this mean Crawford gets another 60-Day extension on the DL for "hurt feelings"?
Al:
All I know is that it's called Lake *Winn*ipesaukee and not Lake *Whine*ipesaukee.
Doug:
So the Red Sox stahted the season at .500, went to the quarter mahk at .500, and now, halfway thru they are at .500... Am I sensing a trend here?
Al:
Seriously, let me get this straight? We quite possibly have found the Higgs Boson Particle but we aren't even close to finding out what's wrong with the Red Sox?
Mike:
There's nothing wrong with the Red Sox that 86 years can't cure.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix are on vacation and will return on Monday, July 9.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix are on vacation and will return on Monday, July 9.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix are on vacation and will return on Monday, July 9.
