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Doug:
I know that not only is this no supported by statistic but is also something every fan of every team feels, still, why does it always seem that it's our guys who are facing the pitcher who just happens to be having "his best night of the season™"?
Bill:
Seriously. It's the converse of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
Doug:
Yeah, it's like Schrödinger's cat except instead of a cat in the box it's a midget and instead of the midget maybe being dead maybe being alive when you open the box the midget is always alive and when you open the box he punches you right square in the nuts.
Doug:
Yeah, the environment observes me clutching my nuts in agony and yelling "Stupid fucking midget!"
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Ok, so I'm not getting off to a good start which has impeded the strip writing side of my brain.
First, it seems I've lost my debit card. Now I pretty much only use my debit card when I'm on vacation to access ATMs. (By the way did I mention I'll be on vacation next week?) As it goes, it seems doubtful I can get a replacement debit card before I leave for foreign soil on Saturday. But, you may be thinking, why can't you just walk into your local branch office and have them issue you a new one? Ah, dear readers, there's the rub. Because my account is in Massachusetts but I'm in my undisclosed location outside of the Bay State, my bank won't allow such a convenience and a replacement debit needs to be sent to my underground bunker. (Odd considering the bank calls itself "Bank of America" and not "Bank of Sorta America Depending on What State You Happen to Be In.")
Second, while looking for the debit card among my stack of things I gather when I travel, I came across my camera charger but the camera was missing. The last time I saw this camera was in Tulum, Mexico. Now again, dear readers, you may be thinking, surely h.b. couldn't have left the camera behind from his last vacation as certainly he would have realized it as soon as he got home and went to transfer the pics into his iPhoto app. Ah, there's the other rub—I actually didn't take a single photo with it as I just always seemed to opt for the convenience of the iPhone. Now rub on the rub, this camera was an Xmas gift from my wife, so now I'm in the indelicate situation of my wife realizing that not only did I lose it but that I never used it. That doesn't bode well for future gifts, does it?
So there it is. That's all I've got. At least the Sox won and Papi gets number 399.
Doug:
The crowd was doing the "Yoooooouuuuuuk" and not the boo.
Al:
And speaking of things that are hahd to believe, was it me or did Dice-K actually look pretty good last night?
Doug:
Dude-san sure does like to staht in hole doesn't he?
Al:
Pissing in the snow
Outside my door –
It makes a very straight hole.*
Al:
Nothing like laying out a little wood when it's getting late.
Doug:
Memo to Scott Youk: Anything that requires a specialized pan because it can't support itself aftah being laden with superfluos toppings cannot be called a pizza.
Mike:
Othah than that @chefyouk seems to be a pretty cool guy.
Doug:
Seriously tweets on pizza, whisky, mary jane... what's not to like?
Rider on Green Line:
Yoooo
Rider on Green Line:
ooooo
Rider on Green Line:
ooooo
Rider on Green Line:
uuuuu
Rider on Green Line:
uuuuu
Rider on Green Line:
uuuuu
Rider on Green Line:
kkkkk!
Rider on Green Line:
[Fan mental recalibration in 1, 2, 3,...]
Rider on Green Line:
Middlebroooooooks!
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
What is happiness, Mr Roy?
Doug:
Sure the crullah can be spotted here and there, but it's not the same.
Doug:
If I can't go into any Dunkin Donuts and be delighted with a crullah and a coffee then I find myself wanting to cry out, "What you have to understand is that I'm allergic to disappointment and that even one tiny drop will send me spiling ovah the edge!"
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Who knows though. Perhaps at some level you actually long for disappointment.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Perhaps it's not the crullah you want but the experience of being denied those things you think you want?
Doug:
Yes, I've considered this as well. Has the crullah become foremost in my mind as the hahbingah of happiness precisely because there is an extremely high probability that any random Dunkin Donuts I stop at will no have the crullah?
Doug:
Perhaps what I want, then, is actually not the most wonderful French twisted pastry invention but the chance to consummate my disappointment, to experience what I most dread which is actually not going crullah-less through the day but which is, precisely, experiencing disappointment?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Exactly!
Doug:
What I do know is that I'm not happy.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ain't nobody happy.
Doug:
Yeah, now that's what I call "executive privilege" right there.
Bill:
For the first time in the 2012 season I'll grant that the Red Sox are hot.
Doug:
Well, it's official: The Red Sox are "Streaking."
Mike:
What's aftah that in the panoply of cliches, "red hot"?
Doug:
Hmmm... next might be "confident."
Mike:
But what about "ovahcoming diversity" where's that?
Al:
Hey, you can joke but the truth is this team owns the league in hitting mofo doubles.
Al:
And that's saying something.
Al:
I don't have a fucking clue.
Al:
Hey, relax everyone. The Red Sox are "evolving" and they are "still a title threat."
Doug:
Yeah but by "evolving" I think they mean that in Septembah the Red Sox will come out in favah of gay marriage.
Al:
You know divorce is always hahdest on the kids.
Mike:
I know. I mean who gets custody of Ben Cherrington?
Doug:
So what's the Morales of this story?
Mike:
"One swallow does not a summah make."*
Doug:
Is it next year yet?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Well, no baseball comic-blog today...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
At least for Boston fans.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You did a lot of mushrooms in college didn't you, Ted?
Mike:
It's nice to see that on occasion the Sox can summon the pitching and the hitting reminiscent of champions.
Mike:
For those brief moments baseball is a paradise again and life seems to make sense.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, now I know how Napoleon felt on Saint Helena when they'd treat the poor exiled despot to a plate of escargot.
Mike:
The emperor fancied the gastropods did he?
Susan/Circle:
The Little Corporal loved the things.
Mike:
Makes sense... I mean I nevah took him for a Beef Wellington kind of guy.
Susan/Circle:
Little known fact... towards the end when he was in ill health and losing his faculties, he was often heard wandering around the island muttering "Who got biggie snails?"
Al:
Two high qual stahts in a row from Buchholz.
Mike:
Not that there is a lot of competition here, but my nomination for the greatest moment in the nascent 2012 season is Buchholz giving up a triple against the first battah he faced in the game and then going on to strike out the side on 13 pitches.
Doug:
That was 70s retro porn unwaxed hairy ballsy is what that was.
Mike:
Meanwhile, did you notice this tidbit, "Beckett taught Buchholz a split-finger fastball before his start against Tampa Bay May 16 [and] Buchholz threw 11 of the pitches Tuesday, using the offspeed pitch thrown on a sharp downward plane to keep the Marlins from timing his fastball"?
Doug:
Ah, yes, I can see it now...
"When you can snatch this chicken nugget from my hand, it will be time..."
Bill:
Hey, they are finally playing like a last place team so there is that.
Bill:
Yeah, I recall that day, and I remembah every detail. The Red Sox wore gray, the Jays wore blue.
Doug:
They haven't been three games under .500 this late in a season since 1997.
Bill:
This season is like watching a cah crash.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? This season is like watching Lindsey Lohan and Commerce Secretary John Bryson in a rental cah with a full tank of gas and the insurance waivah.
Doug:
The Red Sox are getting swept so much this year that they should replace the Jonh Hancock signature with the friggin O Cedah logo.
Al:
We're like the Greece of the AL East.
Doug:
Maybe Germany can bail us out.
Al:
So what is the bright side?
Mike:
The bright side is that all of sudden watching hours of odd sports I don't understand at the London Olympics is looking a whole lot more appealing.
Doug:
Hello synchronized swimming!
Mike:
Hey, don't be dissin' the synchro.
Doug:
Cancel the ambah alert.
Doug:
The kid who threw a no-hittah in his second start back in 2007 has been found.
Doug:
One can nevah evah discount the importance of a getting oneself a good grip.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
I tell you, though, I'd be feeling a whole lot bettah about his next staht if Valentine didn't leave him out there for 125 pitches.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
I mean it's not like he had a no hittah going and they were up by 7 late.
Doug:
Jeez, Arturo, if I wanted this much cyncism with my food I could have gone to one of the food trucks all the hipstahs are raving about.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
I dunno, Mr. Roy, I don't think you're attired appropriately... where's your savage denin and ironic retro t-shirt?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
With all due respect to the Red Sox...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
To say they are playing 2nd fiddle to the Celtics right now is an overstatement.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
More like 2nd trombone tonight.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, that's right, Ted, I hear that you play a bit of trombone.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But you're a little rusty?
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Hmmm... I bet.
Doug:
Man, getting sent back to AAA has got to be tough on the psyche.
Bill:
Seriously, I imagine it's trying to make your way to your coach seats on the back of plane but the perp walk through like through first class nevah ends.
Bill:
Gritting your teeth and thinking "Mothafucking hot towels! How can something so meaningless be something I want so badly right now?"
Bill:
Yep. It's time for Dice-K to walk the walk. And the walk. And the walk. And the, er, walk.
Mike:
Talk about your Greek tragedies.
Susan/Circle:
Seriously, this is like Zeus kicking Tantalus off Olympus.
Mike:
Well, they don't call Boston "the Athens of America" for nothing.
Susan/Circle:
Somebody wheel out the ekkyklêma.
Doug:
So are we all enjoying this taste of 4th place.
Al:
I dunno... I was expecting it to taste a big more like chicken, but othah than that though it's the awesome.
Mike:
Yeah, you know, it's all in the hypothesis, right?
Mike:
Bahd was terrible as a stahtah before. He then was moved to relief where he experienced incredible success.
Mike:
So let's move him back to stahtah and see if he reverts to pervious suckitude.
Al:
Christ, now I remembah why I hated high school chemistry.
Doug:
This would be a good time to make note of the safety stations around the room... I've got a feeling somebody's gonna end up with acid in their eyes.
Mike:
Well, how about that. The Red Sox lose a game but *still* remain above .500.
Doug:
Yeah, there's nothing quite like having an enormous cushion of wins to soften the, er, occasional loss.
Doug:
And still only 3 games off the lead.
Mike:
Absolutely. Welcome to the season of parity. With the exception of Minnesota, there's no team in the American League more than 5.5 games from a playoff spot.
Doug:
It's like a Marxist wet dream. The high payroll teams are thrown in the heap with everyone else.
Mike:
The springs of co-operative wealth are flowing abundantly.
Doug:
Yeah, but even if you're in a "from each according to his ability" world, you really don't want to be last in a breadline the wraps around some gray block in Thiscloseagrad come Octobah.
