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Susan/Circle:
I'm basically speechless this morning.
Mike:
You are without words?
Susan/Circle:
I am devoid of derivation.
Mike:
The signifier is signless?
Susan/Circle:
Of this I am sure, Saussure.
Mike:
Who knew the second-order sign, the connotation, of ".520" would be so profound as to create a new signified resulting in silence?
Susan/Circle:
And nothing.
Rider on Green Line:
It's that time again when your humble author performs his civic duty by shuffling his ass down to the municipal court for jury duty...
Rider on Green Line:
Apologies for no advance warning, as I forgot myself until my phone reminded me last night.
Rider on Green Line:
Meanwhile, don't look now but since the 4-10 start to the season, the Sox have won 21 of 35 (.600) and rather sublimely have won 13 out of the last 18.
Rider on Green Line:
I'll be back tomorrow unless I'm selected etc.
Doug:
While getting the win and getting back to the .500 mahk, is way bettah than the alternative option...
Al:
Seriously. Take 'em when they come, but it's not something you can build a season around.
Al:
But the thing is I've been drinking from the half-full cup for 2 months now and all I have to show for it is the need to take a wicked Sisypiss.
Tara:
Did you realize the 2012 Red Sox OBP is only .330?
Susan/Circle:
Nobody's down with OBP anymore... it's like so 2004.
Tara:
Sigh. Remembah the days of watching Bill Mueller wear down pitchers with a relentless attack of patience?
Susan/Circle:
From the friggin nine hole no less!
Susan/Circle:
Why do I get the feeling that the first paht of my life will be defined by waiting and hoping for a World Series victory while the second paht of my life will be awash in the nostalgia of trying to hang on to the evah fading memory of that achievement?
Bill:
Speaking of forgettable, it's been awhile since we've gotten one of these "Oh you Red Sox fans you're just so, so melodramatic and petty and oh gosh darn why can't you just be quiet and milquetoast like us corn cobs out here in Blandsville, USA?"
Mike:
Cincinnati, eh? Sigh. That's almost too easy.
Bill:
What I find most amusing is how there's been hundreds and hundred of these hand wringing "Boston is so nuts!" themed pieces written ovah the years, yet I can't think of a single time anyone's written a "Jeez, I wish we were more like Kansas City or Cleveland or Cincinnati" plea.
Mike:
Yeah, hatahs need to just give it up. We are different than you and what you misunderstand and bloviate about as as negatives about us are the very things that make who we are.
Bill:
And it's not "provincialism," it's fucking "wickedpissahism."
Bill:
Of course, because even the crows around heah are wicked pissah.
Al:
Well, I hope you enjoyed your day at .500.
Doug:
Seriously, that's what you call a premature bifurcation.
Mike:
I heard there's therapy for that...
Mike:
And by therapy, of course, I mean a Real Doll.
Doug:
That's the answer...
Doug:
Get a Real Doll, pretty her up with a scarf from John Henry, name her Sweet Caroline, and there you go... .500 ball for the remaindah.
Al:
Our work here is done, people.
Bill:
Well, there goes anothah outfieldah.
Mike:
Ross joins Crawford, Ellsbury, Ryan Kalish, Darnell McDonald, and Jason Repko as outfieldahs on the DL.
Bill:
We're gonna need a bigger DL.
Bill:
Ah, yes, that crack and nevah whack Red Sox medical staff who always pride themselves on insisting surgery will not be necessary until that eventual moment when surgery is absolutely completely necessary.
Mike:
Yeah, like, you know, let's put that surgery off until, I dunno, next April?
Bill:
Sigh. At least we're looking at .500 again.
Mike:
Absolutely. And in the remaining 120 they only need go 69 and 51 to match last year's record and make the playoffs and... well, why not?
Bill:
Nice use of the rhetorical question.
Mike:
Yeah, well, if you like that, check out this negative assertion:
That was a Septembah! When comes such anothah?
Al:
Well what have we here... Round 1 of interleague has the Sox taking 2 of 3 from the Phillies on the road and they've got Ws in 8 of their last 10.
Mike:
In the words of David Ortiz, "It’s incredible that people base things on one thing. People put too much emphasis on what happens in April."
Doug:
What's Papi talking about, everyone's been supportive since the beginning... averts eyes, looks away sheepishly.
Al:
I dunno, something *is* different... maybe it was the closed door meeting... maybe somebody did a voodoo chicken...
Al:
But the Red Sox in Philly played like a bunch of guys who took genuine joy in the game, and that couldn't have been more the opposite of what we had been seeing.
Mike:
At the moment there are definitely some bright spots including an excess of hitting and pitching, guys making the most of opportunities to sub in for guys on the DL, and, of course, the David Ortiz show.
Doug:
Yeah, but before we get all John Travolta during a massage, let's settle down and see how the next series against Baltimore goes, mmm-kay?
Today's strip is an anachronism, set outside the regular chronological pace of the 162 game schedule and set into that place between light and shadow, where it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge, between the Apollonian and Dionysian, or what some have called The Creepy Zone …
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
[Sigh]
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
[Spits]
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Do you ever imagine what it would be like to...
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
You know, stop it?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Stop what?
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
This whole Red Sox thing.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Being a fan?
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Yeah, that.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Do you mean on the grand universal to the end of all time kind of scale or are you talking about something with more ambivalence like today or this week or some other fixed Cartesian coordinate in time?
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Uh... I dunno... I'm not sure I understand the difference, frankly.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Do I think about it?
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Yeah, well, you know.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yeah, I think about it.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Just a little, right?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yeah, just a little bit of all the fucking time
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Really?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
For realz, güey.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
And how does it feel?
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Like drowning.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Drowning?
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yep.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
They say it's peaceful.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Could be.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Really?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Why not?
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
OK.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Bill:
Well, that was a fun while it lasted.
Bill:
But I do think it's clear from what we've seen the past few games that this is *not* a last place team...
Bill:
No, this is quite a clearly a team built for next to last place.
Doug:
Well, here's what I've always wondered: If "mediocre" is such a bad thing to be, then why did they give it such a cool sounding word?
Bill:
You know it literally means "halfway up the stony mountain"?
Doug:
Ah, wonderful, a variation on the old "glass half full" classic.
Bill:
Are they halfway up the mountain or halfway down the mountain?
Doug:
And does any of this involve a giant bouldah?
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry to have to do this, but I've got a huge release/ship date occurring at the day job tomorrow morning early and today is already awash with assorted last minute bolt tightening.
I thought I could do a strip today, but my mind just won't focus on the Red Sox despite Lester's excellent outing last night.
Tomorrow is probably a no-go as well. See you back here as soon as I can.
Mike:
You shall not bait me.
Al:
Yeah, bait this—"The Red Sox collected five doubles Sunday afternoon… With 100 doubles in 34 games, Boston is on a pace to hit 476 two baggers this season. That would break the record set by the Texas Rangers in 2008 by 100."
Doug:
Seriously, as bad as things have been other than TX, no one is running away with anything and everything is still in play for the the Sox given the extra wild cahd team this season.
Mike:
With that said, our 1-2-3 stahtahs have a long way to go before I staht to imagine a Septembah of ripened gourds.
For the 2012 season, whenever the Red Sox are below .500, the regular Friday edition of Soxaholix is canceled …
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Get out your funeral finest, people, because there's going to be a burial.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
That's right, the Eurozone is dead.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Let’s face it: the question is not if, but when.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Verdammte Scheisse.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, and I'll be leaving at noon for a round of golf... I'm getting fierce with the 5 iron, absolutely fierce.
Mike:
Yeah, a train wreck is done once it's done whereas this has much more of the post-apocalyptic goes on and on and you'll most likely meet a tragic death by disease or roving band of cannibals long before things get bettah kinda feel to it.
Al:
I love this line from Abraham: "Remember that energetic Bobby Valentine from spring training? He has been replaced by a man who looks 10 years older."
Doug:
Oh, that's nothing... poor Tom Brady wants to welcome his new Red Sox bro in law into the family so decides to watch a Red Sox game and look what it fucking did to him.
Mike:
To put things into propah prespective—Bruce Chen, Bruce friggin Chen just held the Red Sox to 3 hits.
Susan/Circle:
I feel like that chick Marnie on HBO's Girls with the Red Sox playing the role of my beta boyfriend who is so pathetic that when we have so-called sex I can't even look at him.
Mike:
So playing out the metaphor, then, who's in the role of the dude telling you "The first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little. Because I'm a man. And I know how to do things."
Susan/Circle:
If I'm a Rangers fan chick aftah watching that unadulterated display of man powah, I'm definitely gonna have to make an offering to Onan ASAP.
Bill:
Well, except for Baltimore, New York, Detroit, Texas, so on and so forth but nobody friggin else I tell you what.
Doug:
The tide has turned. The kinks are worked out. This time it's for realz.
Bill:
Yeah, I feel like Kim Kardashian at the start of a new romance.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? I feel like the French voting for a socialist.
Bill:
It's all unicorns, rainbows, and ponies from here on out.
Al:
The whole herd and the shepherd are unwatchable, unrootable, and unable.
Doug:
Hey, quit your bitchin', I mean, you got to witness the first major league game since 1925 in which both teams put a position playah on the mound.
Mike:
And you got to see an All-Star first baseman strike out against a first baseman pitching.
Mike:
This shit doesn't happen every day you know.
Al:
I think I need to place my fandom on the the extended DL.
Doug:
Fuck that, I'm designating mine for assignment.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Well, here we are.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Another Friday with a record below .500 and consequently a nice day off for Brachen.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Oh, and by the way, I'll be taking the afternoon off to to volunteer at a community garden.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Deal with it, bitches.
Bill:
Poor Red Sox... they'd be in first place if they just didn't keep running up against these pitchers who just happen to pick the Sox as the team to have "solid" outing against.
Bill:
Fenway is a green pasture, and the Red Sox are fluffy lambs.
Doug:
They say the meek shall inherit the earth...
Doug:
But what do undah .500 teams inherit?
Bill:
I don't think this is formally written down anywhere, but I heard it's a Popeye's Chicken franchise in Shreveport, Louisiana.
Bill:
Yeah, Bobby V is gonna manage the hell out of that place.
Mike:
One month into the 2012 season and I think we're stahting to get a feel for what we've got here...
Al:
I'm not getting any warm fuzzies ovah the distance that needs to be traveled here.
Doug:
Hmmm, Let's say the 2012 Red Sox are an airliner TRAVELING AT 10,000 FEET...
Doug:
AND LET'S SAY THERE'S NO LANDING GEAR AND NOWHERE TO LAND.
Doug:
AND FUEL IS LIMITED. AND ONE HAS A GENERAL IDEA OF WHEN THE FUEL IS GOING TO RUN OUT.
Doug:
GIVEN THIS KNOWLEDGE, then, IS "TRAVEL" REALLY THE RIGHT WORD?
Doug:
Of course it does. Sub .500 teams don't get their own original expositions.
Bill:
Happy International Workahs Day.
Doug:
Yeah, I'd celebrate but I'm all tied up, you know, er, working.
Bill:
Pitching, hitting, and Defense. Check, check, and check.
Doug:
You know, do that anothah 85 times or so and I just might staht to imagine a new world ordah of Red Sox totalitarianism.
Bill:
Bettah red than dead.
