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Mike:
OK so who doesn't like Valentine's willingness to tweak the Yankees verbally with things like yesterday's dis of Jetah's infamous "flip play" and saying that one of the mahkahs of Tek's greatness was that "He was able to beat up Alex"?
Mike:
I mean the more I drink the Bobby Valentine Kool-Aid, the more I like the taste of it...
Bill:
Yeah, they can do some amazing things with the artificial sweetnahs these days.
Doug:
The Captain of Captains...
Mike:
The only playah in the world to have played in the Little League World Series, the College World Series, the World Series, the Olympics and the World Baseball Classic.
Mike:
Talk about your tipping points...
Mike:
"One if by land, two if by sea."
"Don't shoot until you see that whites of their eyes."
and
"We don't throw at .260 hittahs."
The 3 most memorable lines in Boston history.
Doug:
I've got the goosebumbs ovah heah.
Doug:
Valentine had to do something I guess, though I can't help but wondah if this is more a treating the symptom rather than a curing of the disease.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
What are you suggesting, that maybe the beer per se wasn't the real issue and that perhaps whatevah it is the motivated a few of the playahs to flagrantly disrespect their teammates and their managah is really the problem at hand?
Doug:
I know. Crazy talk, right?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, if history is any guide, we know the best way to fight a problem is by way of issuing formal prohibitions, embargoes, and bans.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
It's a good time to take a long weekend. See you back here on Monday... Don't rent out all the sunsets.
Doug:
OK, I'm going to remain agnostic on the Valentine as manager decision until we get a good chunk into the season, but so fah I like what I'm seeing.
Mike:
If anyone can rise up to that challenge it's the new, svelte David Ortiz. Dude is looking like he just busted out of a Michelangelo mahble.
Doug:
Man, am I stahting to feel old.
Doug:
Scattah baseballs on the field; /
Turn the Sox fan out of door.*
Al:
Well, you know, the interwebs is one of those newfangled things not many people have on their radah and all...
Al:
And Padilla says it'll be part of his arsenal.
Bill:
Best line of 2012 so fah — Carl Crawford's "by clubhouse 'problems' I guess you're talking about chicken and beer."
Mike:
And is it me or does Crawford seem more, I dunno, relaxed, upbeat, happy-go-lucky since stepping onto the Jet Blue grass in 2012 than he did at any point last season?
Bill:
Absolutely. And you've heard it here first — Crawford has a monstah, MVP season. Write it the fuck down.
Mike:
This of course coming from the guy who perennially picks Matsuzaka to win the Cy Young.
Bill:
Hey, so I've got an, er, ding or two in my prognostication ahmah. Heh.
Al:
Filing bank? Is that offshore?
Doug:
Meanwhile Beckett with "There's people." for whom he stil has ill feelings towards.
Al:
The corporations are people!
Doug:
Ah, well, the season of low expectations.
Mike:
Undoubtedly the best thing so fah is that, indeed, I am void of expectations. And I find it rathah pleasant actually.
Doug:
Of course you do, this is 2012 where expectations are way the fuck overrated.
Bill:
OK, I can't help it...
Mike:
Yeah, and Ben's the guy who ends up having "to run that number by my sales managah."
Bill:
"Good Credit, Bad Credit, No Credit you're always welcome at Lucky Larry's new and used cars."
Mike:
"Lucky Larry, his prices are IN-SA-A-A-A-A-ANE!"
Al:
What do you mean you don't know why? It's the law and order Rethuglican in you. Heh.
Mike:
Seriously. Next you'll be holding a night of prayer to ask Jesus to have Valentine confiscate player contraceptives.
Doug:
That's right, because as we know you nanny state libs are all about personal liberty...
Mike:
Nothing excites the salty passions like balls shagged ovah a perfectly manicured lawn on a languid afternoon.
In these quiet news days of mid February, let us turn to the sagacious dismembered voice of the Green Line Trolley with "Important questions as the Mayan long count calendar speeds towards its denouement...…"
dismembered voice:
Did Carrie Nation have the last laugh?
dismembered voice:
If the SI Swimsuit issue falls in forest, but teenage boys are too busy wanking to ready access internet porn to notice, does it make a sound?
dismembered voice:
Is Daniel Bard ready to Oh, Fuck it... Linsanity!?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
The Sox avoid arbitration with Ortiz and get away with a 1 year deal and Ortiz is "happy" as well.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
And Lester is already in camp and is "excited" about the coming season.
Doug:
It's not much, Arturo, but I'll take it.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, as the raw denim clad vegan hipsters are wont to say Mr. Roy, "When life hands you soy, make Tofurky."
Mike:
So Truck Day has come and gone... did you go?
Doug:
No, nobody goes to Truck Day anymore, it's too crowded.
Mike:
Yeah, like most things, it was bettah before it was branded, shrink wrapped, and commodified.
Doug:
At one time Truck Day was the quintessence of ironic — a grassroots hahdcore fan event celebrating the most pedestrian of non events.
Doug:
Now it's become akin to the Super Bowl half time show.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
... absolutely nothing. Let's reconvene on Monday.
Al:
Well, damn. There goes anothah childhood role model.
Mike:
Speaking of tendah young shoots, I've seen my first metaphorical crocus of the late wintah...
Mike:
Dave Pinto opines:
"... if Sweeney, Buchholz and Aceves could be one win [above] replacement value, the Red Sox will be in solid contention, rather than on the bubble."
Doug:
Yeah, but beware the caveat: "If injuries cause Boston to at some point go with Dice-K and Miller for any stretch, I think the team is in trouble."
Al:
Injuries? On this club with its crackah jack medical staff? Get the fuck out.
Lisa the Temp:
Awww... why the long faces, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
It's not so bad.
Lisa the Temp:
True fact, right?
Lisa the Temp:
And don't let anything about the Globe's counting ability dissuade you from that truth.
Lisa the Temp:
Shine on, my little peeps, shine on!
Mike:
Well, we've made it this fah.
Doug:
Yep, we're finally at the point where we can begin the discussion of when would be the most opportune time to begin the discussion of Truck Day.
Mike:
You don't want to be too early. You can't get caught being too late.
Doug:
It's almost too much pressure.
Mike:
Seriously. We can't fucking decide when to throw things out for discussion and also catch and discuss the things.
Doug:
Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure I've found the perfect thing to build a "fan giveaway" game at the ballpahk around.
Doug:
"Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls... Relive the excitement of the recent Red Sox offseason with your own Fenway Frankstah."
Marty:
Hello Bill's answering machine. Somebody named Lisa the Temp says you're running late to work because you're not feeling well today.
Marty:
I can't imagine why.
Marty:
And I know what you're thinking as you listen to this back, Bill... you're thinking, "Oh, Marty, so all of a sudden you're a Giants fan?"
Marty:
Well, that's just the way it goes for us Most Interesting Men in the World types, you know, like in the commercial —
"I may not always root for the Giants, but when I do they crush the Patriots with ease. Stay champions, my New Yorkers."
Marty:
Speaking of commercials, perhaps you and you're little Sox friends at work can spend the day analyzing the Super Bowl ads... I mean what else are you gonna talk about, the Red Sox off off offseason? Heh.
Marty:
Maybe someone can make a commercial with a chorus of dogs barking the melody to the theme song for Titanic and dedicate it to Boston Sports 2012.
Marty:
But you'll be OK, Bill, it's not like you haven't spent most of your lifetime getting used to being also rans.
Marty:
Well, Bill, until the next time your provincial little beanie weenie town is given a beat down by The City of the World, I bid you adieu.
Doug:
Somewhere in a poor village in Africa, Tim Tebow's gonads just exploded.
Bill:
Next up: Rob Gronkowski, devoted Scientologist.
Bill:
So is she the "mystique" or the "aura" I can nevah seem to get that straight.
Mike:
My 8th grade Enlgish teacher Mr. Sferopoulos would be proud of these topic sentences leads:
"The bullpen has also taken a step back..."
"Making matters worse..."
"The outfield isn’t looking that good either..."
"If these were the only problems Boston was facing..."
Bill:
Of course, all these critics, pundits, prognosticators along with that gnawing feeling in my gut could all be totally wrong.
Mike:
Certainly. Though you may want to considah putting a deposit down to reserve your rented sunset a bit early this year.
Doug:
I want to dislike Lana Del Rey, I really do...
Doug:
Unsettling isn't it?
Al:
Yeah, well, Cashman should enjoy this brief respite... Cherington's just setting the trap until the time is right to unleash his moves of swaggah.
Mike:
Well, done, Al, you've just tossed the linguistic equivalent of the Eephus pitch.
