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Doug:
You know, thank Christ the amateurs, poseurs, bloggahs, tweetahs, and othah assorted hacks haven't totally driven the professional journalists out of business...
Bill:
Ah, "worried" about what othah "things"?
Doug:
"What othah things?" Well look at the balls on you...
Doug:
What are you some sort of Jeremiah Wright obsessed muckraking misanthrope or something?
Doug:
Look. If the the Boston Globe wanted you know about these alleged "othah things," then they would have told you about it.
Doug:
You are a news consumah. So you just sit back, shut up, and consume what your journalistic bettahs privilege you with.
Doug:
That's the way it's always been. It's for you own friggin good, too.
Doug:
Whenevah people staht going on about how the Chinese are going to rule the world soonah rathah than latah, I say don't give up on the inherent toughness of the next generation of Americans...
Mike:
Hey, don't be making fun of Big Bri's cousin, Ty.
Mike:
As the fortune cookie says, "Happy news is on its way to you."
Al:
I'm not so much "negative" about how this offseason has played out as I am extremely *frustrated.*
Al:
I mean we're talking about the Boston Red Sox, the team a year ago that we were sitting around wondering how many games ovah 100 they'd win, a team with an ownership group and front office strategy committed mentally and financially to winning, a team that made one pull his shouldahs back, stick out his chin and say, "That's right, The Boston Fucking Red Sox. Believe it, bitches."
Mike:
You know what this is like? It's like dating the hottest chick in town but despite your best efforts the relationship remains agonizingly platonic.
Mike:
And you've got a blueballs ache so bad it's making your ears ring and yet you hang in there, hopeful, because, you know, she's the hottest girl in town and all.
Doug:
Dude, it's actually worse than that.
Doug:
It *is* like going out with the hottest girl in town but instead of the relationship being purely platonic, it's one in which occassionally, and seemingly arbitrarily, the hot chick is willing to yank out the strap-on and peg the shit out of you.
Doug:
And you go along with it because at some primal level (that you'd rathah not think too much about) you kinda like it and, besides, you've convinced yourself that a chick this hot and this potentially perverse is worth being patient with.
Doug:
Heh. So how 'bout that Tom Brady?
Mike:
Yeah, though same story suggests Oswalt would prefer to pitch in Texas or California.
Bill:
Yeah, I had no idea Oswalt was such a pussy.
Bill:
Talk about missing the memo.
Mike:
Yeah, how dare the Red Sox make moves without allowing us fans sufficient time to wallow, bitch, moan, second guess and gnash our teeth?
Bill:
I feel so neglected an unloved.
Mike:
John Henry bettah be picking out a seriously nice scarf to make up for this breach of the relationship.
Bill:
Yeah, but who's the source? Ben Cherington's mom?
Doug:
Hey, how's that Roy Oswalt signing coming along?
Bill:
Ain't happening today, ain't happening tomorrow, ain't happening nevah... Unless po' John-John Henry can find a way for Warren Buffet's secretary to pay the Red Sox luxury tax.
Doug:
Dudes, tell me we didn't just trade Scutaro for Cody Ross?!?!
Mike:
Hey, quit your bitchin.... what you're witnessing is a new, groundbreaking strategy coming to fruition — trade a perfectly viable starting position player to strengthen your bench!
Al:
Oh, right — "Stoneyball!"
Doug:
I can't wait for the movie. Russell Brand plays the much maligned but always happy GM.
Al:
And cast that Indian dude from the Whitecastle movies to play his plucky assistant.
Bill:
So while the Patriots are reminding everyone exactly what it means to peak at the right time and doing all they can to continue making Boston the true Titletown of the Entiah World...
Doug:
Hey, now, chin up... rest assured Ben Cherington is "doing a lot of math" ovah there and shit.
Bill:
Seriously. What's the friggin square root of zero?
Doug:
So nobody is buying the meme that the Scutaro trade was really about freeing up money to go aftah Oswalt?
Doug:
So Arturo, 90 wins for the Sox in 2012... are you going ovah or undah.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ovah.
Doug:
Really? You're a hot dog half-left guy, eh?
Doug:
For me let's just say that not only is the hot dog half-eaten but the onions and sriracha are stahting to form a queah glee club in my stomach.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, they were projected for what, 95 last year? And they undahperformed to 90?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
The way I see it, losing Lackey for 2012 alone is good for 5 wins.
Doug:
And you think the 2012 squad is at least as good as the chicken and beer swiggin September 2011 club?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Don't you?
Doug:
Ah, pass me the horseradish and mayo and we'll see.
Doug:
OK. This just may be the slowest non-holiday baseball news days evah.
Doug:
Sigh. Seems like only yestahday when we were the ones making headlines for signing the hottest pitcher in Japan.
Mike:
The first shall be last and the last shall be first.
Doug:
And in the middle the firsts and a lasts pay a $50 million posting fee.
Mike:
Who knew that suddenly becoming a small-mahket would be so, you know, fucking small.
Al:
We are like the Greece of baseball. Weighed down by the debt of paying full salaries to unproductive dissapointments who retiah too soon.
Doug:
And speaking of Carl Crawford, does his surprise wrist surgery and possibility of missing the staht of the season qualify as good new or bad news?
Mike:
Well, a smidgen of good news is that if his wrist was bothering him all season it might account for a lot of the suck.
Mike:
As Dave Pinto writes, "Wrist injuries are very tough on hittahs" having to absorb the contact of bat against ball.
Doug:
Yeah, but wouldn't Crawford have to, you know, actually make contact with the ball to feel this alleged discomfort?
Mike:
With 23 walks in 538 plate appearances, it's not like the sonavabitch wasn't trying for contact.
Al:
Now no one undah the age of thirty will know how to confirm or disprove a statement of fact. It's gonna be awesome!
Doug:
Yeah, on that note, if you're looking for me today, I'll be chatting up Proactiv resistant chicks from the dermatologist's office and elightening them on the unique and miraculous acne curative powahs of Franco-American ejaculate.
Doug:
Hey, c'mon now, when Padilla is healthy he's good for roughly league average performance. And if there's one thing that swells the gourd it's league average performance.
Bill:
Really, you just can't collect enough of these low risk high reward guys to put in Pawtucket red and have ready to get the call to do battle in the Show.
Doug:
Seriously. Our 6th thru 9th stahtahs are gonna kick the asses of your 6th thru 9th stahtahs!
Susan/Circle:
So in his WEEI interview, Theo Epstein called the Red Sox situation "completely repairable."
Mike:
Yeah, well, I'm sure George Bush says the same thing about the economy.
Susan/Circle:
And that's all I've got for Sox talk.
Mike:
Seriously. I got so bored last night that I stahted streaming Downton Abbey just to see what all the fuss is about.
Susan/Circle:
Really! And so what is all the fuss about.
Mike:
Well, it's like this...
Susan/Circle:
Ah, rich chicks and dicks.
Mike:
Glad those days are long behind with the front office working ovahtime to bring in blue chips like Brad Emaus.
Doug:
Are you fucking kidding me? I haven't been this excited since the Sox signed Tug Hulett.*
Mike:
Speaking of excited tugs, the development of Internet-based sex toys continues apace.
Doug:
"Afterwards, my finger smelled like lube."
Al:
So is that a bug or a feature?
Bill:
Wow, where does Cheringon keep finding these steals!?
Mike:
Haven't you heard? Korea is the new Japan.
Bill:
So now that the Pawtucket rostah is set, I think it's time staht packing for a little offseason R&R...
Bill:
Let's see...
A meticulous spot poolside?
A Maltese with a pink bow?
A manish looking female companion?
Mike:
Well, just anothah day in January... tasting the winds that are footless*
Al:
Waist-deep in misery.
Mike:
Yeah, but you'll notice you don't see much about it on SoSH, which makes me think there isn't a whole lot to these theories.
Doug:
Reminds me... I'd be a whole lot more excited by Oswalt if his middle name was "Harvey."
Al:
"He was a quiet man...kept to himself."
Susan:
Seems Ben likes to piss in a minor league bucket
Susan:
So furl your 2012 pennant
and fuck it
Mike:
It's gonna get bettah, right? I mean it has too.
Steve:
Without a doubt. But in the meantime, I can't help but think, considering what we've been eating since September, that now is the time to for me put together an investor pitch on my idea to import this restaurant concept to Boston.
Mike:
Perfect. And I know just what to call the place.
Steve:
Yeah, what's that?
Al:
Yeah, some fun tidbits, particularly that paht about Noman and Shuttlenauts.
Mike:
Best paht for me was that stuff on John Henry's carousing.
Mike:
I want it as a friggin wallpapah on my monitor.
Al:
I confess that the leg the one in the red is showing sorta stahts to the stir the sap in my maple.
Doug:
For me it's the esoterically erotic detail of the mole on her left breast.
Al:
Is it wrong to be so titillated by a cartoon image?
Mike:
No, it's not wrong, but it is creepy.
Doug:
Hmmm... that sounds oddly familiah.
Mike:
OK, now that that's ovah, can we go back to Iowa being that mostly forgotten about place where Shoeless Joe Jackson plays baseball in a cornfield?
Bill:
I'm a bittah, unhappy man.
Mike:
Dude, don't knock the hockey played out of doors.
Bill:
Oh, don't get me wrong. I loves me the retro outdoor rink trend as much as the next guy, but metaphorically speaking my baseball mojo is iced.
Mike:
There's no sap in your maple.
Bill:
There's no pail for my spout.
Al:
Thankfully, one of the worst years evah is officially ovah.
Doug:
Yes, how nice, say goodbye to the most dismal of dismal seasons and say hello to the most dismal of dismal offseasons.
Al:
Meet the new season, same as the old season.
Mike:
A proven top quality major league bullpen ahm, for a couple prospects who've not shown much more than replacement level guy talent?
Mike:
Plus the appearance of this being a 100% Ben Cherington led move?
Doug:
Yeah, well, it's not in the same stratosphere as Theo's Shillingsgiving, but I'll confess it's a rare positive sign.
Al:
Hell, yeah, it is. I mean I haven't been this optimistic about the future of a franchise since Journey replaced Steve Perry with a Filipino dude they found on YouTube who sounds just like Steve Perry.
Al:
Don't stop believing, mothafuckahs.
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