Christmas Break

A Merry Christmas to All and to All a Calvados Night!

(See you back here 01.03.2012. Thanks for another great year.)

 

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Poached eggs

Doug:
So the Theo poaching season continues unfettered — Chicago Cubs Reportedly Hire Boston Scout Matt Dorey.

 

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Bill:
I wake up everday now expecting to read the headline: "Sausage King Relocates to Wrigley."

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile the Red Sox are reportedly in the bidding for closah Francisco Cordero.

 

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Bill:
The best paht of that news for me was learning that Cordero's agent is "Bean Stringfellow" Now is that pure fucking awesomeness or what?

 

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Doug:
Somebody alert the NOTY's.

 

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Out-hustled, Out-hit

Doug:
So people keep coming up to me saying, "Hey, have you heard this Jetah story?" with bemusedly expectant expessions on their faces.

 

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Doug:
And I'm like what exactly are you looking for ovah heah?

 

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Doug:
Because see this is how my mind is breaking this shit down...

 

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Doug:
The face of the New York Yankees franchise splits up with his A-List, hot, celebrity girlfriend, whom I might add is but one in a long list of A-List, hot, celebrity girlfriends the guy has known cahnally.

 

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Doug:
And aftah splitting from the most recent one he goes all Ghengis Cock on New York, picking up hot chicks, banging them, and then sending them off in a cab with a gift basket of assorted sundries including, get this, an autographed baseball by the Lothario himself.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, the face of the Red Sox franchise is what? Sitting around getting fat, eating chicken, and asking their redneck cousin Brandyne for a tug job?

 

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Doug:
That's right. Advantage Motherfucking Yankees.

 

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Outhit

Looking for brighter sides

Bill:
Well, well, well, so it looks like there's more to Mark Melancon than we initially thought...

 

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Bill:
"One of the key’s to Melancon’s success has been a cutter he developed to accommodate his 92 mph fastball, sharp curveball and work-in-progress changeup."

 

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Mike:
Yeah, small sample size and not a statistical slam dunk by any means, but still it does give one hope.

 

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Mike:
The other bonus, of course, is that the guy is stahting off by saying the right things: "I want the ball in a close game in a pressure situation. I’ve always thrived on that and being in that position... I’m ready if that’s what the Red Sox want me to do. I hope it is."

 

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Bill:
So here's the deal...

 

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Bill:
If you go to the pahk this summah, a day game, your nose and cheeks sunburned, and Melancon comes in for the 9th and promptly gets the side 1-2-3 to a great roar from the Fenway crowd, can you then say you've got a case of "Melanconoma"?

 

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Not a lot of stirring...

Doug:
Colah me chagrined, Ahts, but I haven't heard of eithah guy the Sox acquired the past two days.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
You know that they say, Mr. Roy, ignorance is bliss.

 

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Doug:
Give me the scoop. Easy on the onions.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
OK, this guy, Punto, well he can play 3 or 4 positions... but he can't hit from any of them.

 

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Doug:
So that's a 2 year deal for an offensive bottom feedah?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
And this Melancon is a good, but not great reliever, but who's a pretty sure bet to be solid overall.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
The thing is, though, it feels like the kind kind of deal you'd make mid-season to shore up your pen for the stretch run not something you'd do in Decembah.

 

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Doug:
Jeez, Merry Friggin Lucchinomas.

 

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Sudden onset

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Went to bed with a fever of 101, woke up with fever of 103 and sh-sh-shaking... No strip today.

*Update Weds 12/14 a.m.: Much improved, fever down, but the malaise remains... hope to return tomorrow. (P.S. Shoppach?)

 

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Space Madness

Susan:
So let me get this straight. Valentine has a conversation with Beckett and Beckett asks that it remain private which, of course, means Valenine immediatly mentions it to the media.

 

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Susan:
For those of you keeping score at home, that's "Changed Man" Valentine 0 and "Same Old" Valentine 1.

 

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Mike:
Well, that's one way to look at it. I prefer to think of it as Valentine doing a good thing by already stahting to shift the attention and chicken eating bad vibes from Beckett to himself.

 

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Susan:
Wow, we've become quite the complacenik haven't we?

 

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Mike:
Look, it's like this. It's only mid-Decembah and we still have the long, hearing voices in the emptiness of January ahead of us...

 

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Mike:
If I staht granulizing and pahsing every Valentine statement looking for the worst possible angle at this point, I'll be batshit crazy by the time pitchahs and catchas report.

 

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Susan:
Crazy? Crazy? It is not I who are crazy. It is I who am mad!*

 

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The "uh-oh", the "wet", the "forced", the "whisper"...

Doug:
I think Larry Baseball gets this one right — 10 years for Pujols is a majah commitment.

 

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Mike:
I dunno, Pinto thinks the Angels will get their money’s worth.

 

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Al:
Look, it's like this. If the good Lord had wanted us to have Pujols, he'd have given us more than one Poo Hole.

 

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Doug:
"It's alimentary, Dr. Leiter."*

 

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Mike:
Ok, guys, the 4th grade called and they want their puerile scatology back.

 

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Al:
Yeah, well, you tell the 4th grade that if it doesn't watch it I'm gonna come ovah there and make faht sounds until it laughs so hahd milk comes its nose.

 

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2012 can't happen soon enough

Doug:
Hey, have you heard the good news?

 

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Bill:
There's good news?

 

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Doug:
Well, OK, it's not like waking up on Christmas and finding a Japanese Robot Girlfriend undah your tree good news, but more of the roll of tropical fruit Lifesavers in the toe of your Christmas stocking good news.

 

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Doug:
But still...

 

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Bill:
OK. Give me the so-called good news.

 

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Doug:
Well, first, Bobby V is talking the talk. He's on record as hating the Yankees.

 

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Bill:
I'd give that a Lifesaver good news rating of, uh, let's see... "Fruit Punch," you know, sort of silly. What exactly is "tropical" about fruit punch, anyway?

 

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Doug:
Ok, next, there are actual Red Sox trade rumahs afoot.

 

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Bill:
I'll give that a rating of "Tangerine." Tasty, yeah, but not unexpected.

 

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Doug:
Lastly, Ortiz accepts arbitration.

 

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Bill:
Well, that's a "Mango Melon" for sure.

 

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Bill:
But what about the bad news?

 

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Doug:
Ah, here's the lump of coal in Christmas stocking... Terry Francona has teamed up with Dan Shaughnessy to write a book detailing Francona's 8 years at the helm of the Boston Red Sox.

 

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Bill:
Oh, sweet Jesus... Of all the ginned up beat writahs, in all the papahs, in all the world, Tito walks into the CHB's ahms?

 

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Doug:
Shank will capture every detail. The Yankees wore gray, Tito wore blue.

 

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Bill:
Well, if there's anyone left who bought the PR spin about the breakup being "amiable" this should set them straight.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, if you're gonna take the low road, you might as well have a guy who knows terrain.

 

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Bill:
2011, the shiv that keeps on shiving.

 

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"...an orange cyclops-eye..."

Mike:
I guess this gets to the core of why some clubs "are throwing around bags of money and the Red Sox and Yankees are flippin' nickels."

 

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Mike:
Cashman on trades, "It’s just hahd to find a match — and it feels like it’s hahdah now than evah... This isn’t the old seat-of-the-pants, get drunk in the lobby and write names on the napkin."

 

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Bill:
Really? I was thinking booze had to be involved in retaining the services of 5.54 ERA and a 1.82 WHIP Andrew Miller.

 

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Mike:
Hey, maybe he's paying the Sox to pitch.

 

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Bill:
Still a bad deal.

 

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Mike:
This is gonna be a long wintah.

 

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Bill:
The austere sun descends above the fen...*

 

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Back to business

Al:
Well, this is comforting. I mean the last thing I want to do during friggin cold, empty, snow-crusted wintah nights is fill my silly head with dreams of top free agent signings — "Cherington said the Sox are 'less likely' to pursue 'top-tier' free-agent starting pitchers."

 

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Al:
Thanks, Ben.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but what does Larry say?

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, we also learn that Valentine says "he has reached out to every player on the Sox rostah. That included leaving a message for Josh Beckett offering to visit him this week."

 

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Doug:
☎ Leave a message at the tone...Beep

"Hey, Becks, it's me, Bobbbbbyyyyyy Valentine-ine-ine-ine... That's right, humanitarian, fluent in Japanese, one of the greatest baseball minds of a generation, and
Manager of the Boston Red Sox!

"But enough about me, this call is about you... Say, hey, Josher, did you know I invented the wrap sandwich? Bet your ass I did. Hollah back."

 

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Mike:
Valentine's doing a lot of reaching out these days — "Bobby Valentine considers adding Bill Bucker to Boston Red Sox coaching staff."

 

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Al:
That would be a wicked PR move.

 

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Doug:
Really? You know what I think would be the wickedest PR move? Winning a friggin' shitload of ballgames, that's what.

 

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Days of wine and Valentine...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
This is one of those ad hoc haituses I warned of at the start of the offseason...

Just finished working back to back 12 hours days and tonight is the work Christmas Party, so see you back here on Monday (Tuesday?).

 

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