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Doug:
Ok, so let me see if I can get this straight...
Doug:
1. Valentine gets to a verbal agreement Sox which he promptly leaks to the media.
Doug:
2. When the front office gets a call from reportahs asking for confirmation, they have to deny it but also simultaneously leak that they do have a verbal agreement in place to ensure they won't look totally foolish when the eventual official confirmation occurs which countahs what they had just previously denied.
Al:
Letting Lamont find out he didn't get the job via the media? Nice job, Red Sox, nice job.
Al:
First time I'm not excited about a Red Sox season since pre-Pedro.
Doug:
A guy with an infamous reputation for not being able to keep his mouth shut proves he is indeed unable to keep his mouth shut. Shocking, I know.
Mike:
Before you two guys wet yourselves, let's try to think clearly for a second.
Mike:
For instance, considah the following.
Mike:
When Terry Francona got the Red Sox job, we were underwhelmed based on his time in Philly.
Mike:
When Belichick got the Patriots job, the conventional wisdom was that he was a failure in Cleveland and would likely be a failure in New England.
Al:
Yeah, well, counterpoint, remembah when Pete Carroll replaced Parcells, and people thought it'd be great because he was a player's coach and the franchise needed that after 4 years of discipline?
Doug:
Yeah, and remember when Larry Lucchino hired Grady Little?
Mike:
Fine, go ahead and get your hissy on, while I just move on. Bobby Valentine is the managah of the 2012 Boston Red Sox.
Mike:
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls... the new manager of the Boston Red Sox, Barney Frank.
Al:
That would actually be enjoyable to watch. I mean can you imagine the arguments with the umps?
Al:
"Hey, Ump, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table."
Mike:
"On what planet do you spend most of your time?"
Doug:
Speaking of othah worldliness, did you see this nugget from yestahday?
Mike:
John Henry gonna slap dems bitches around!
Doug:
You know what they say — "When John Henry speaks... When John Henry speaks..." er, wait, uh... What the fuck happens when John Henry speaks anyway?
Lisa the Temp:
Ssshhhh...
Lisa the Temp:
Be very quiet, peeps.
Lisa the Temp:
It's Cyber Monday and everybody is really focused on the task at hand...
Lisa the Temp:
Speaking of Christmas, what are buying Lisa?
Lisa the Temp:
Wait, wait, before you answer that let's be frank, peeps, ... Lisa's been very naughty, very very naughty.
The Soxaholix will return after the holiday …
Doug:
♫ Ovah the rivah, and through the wood,
To Valentine's house we go;
Larry knows the way to run the day-to-day
of this wonderful Red Sox show-oh! ♬
Al:
♫ Ovah the rivah, and through the wood,
To Valentine's house away!
We cannot stop, "C'mon Ben, chop chop!",
For this is the Lucchino way-ah! ♩
Mike:
♫ Ovah the river, and through the wood—
Oh, how Septembah did blow!
But Theo was shown the door and Tito's no more,
So to the World Series we go-oh! ♬
Al:
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Doug:
And don't forget your rutabaga — the most undah appreciated of all the root vegetables.
Al:
I dunno. They make me gassy.
Doug:
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Bill (thinking to himself, sadly):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Steve:
I feel like a fading comedian working the crowd in a half-empty comedy club in Cedar Rapids every time I say this but...
You know how bad it's gotten?
Steve:
It's gotten so bad that I read Shaughnessy's Sunday de rigueur doom and gloom and CHBisms turned to 11 piece and I couldn't find anything to disagree with.
Steve:
That's how bad it's gotten.
Mike:
So you're not buying the notion the Lucchino is at heart a good baseball guy and as much a paht of the 2 World Series victories as anyone else and if he thinks Valentine is the guy then we should give him the benefit of the doubt?
Steve:
Dude. Valentine doesn't believe in Moneyball.
Mike:
Yeah, there is that.
Steve:
You know who I really feel bad for in all this is Ben Cherington's mom.
Steve:
Yeah, she's still waiting for Larry to sign off on what sides she can serve at this year's Cherington Family Thanksgiving.
Doug:
Hey, Red Sox... The Mets just called and they want their infamy for ineptitude back.
Doug:
What, was Joe Kerrigan busy?
Mike:
It's not just the interest in Valentine but more and more the evidence that Cherington isn't getting to call the shots.
Doug:
Jesus was I friggin wrong the othah day when I thought things had hit bottom.
Mike:
What hath September wrought?
Doug:
Welcome to the surreal.
Al:
When do our clocks staht melting.
Mike:
No, I don't think this is surrealism we are in but more of its parent, dadaism — where the only stated aim is ridicule of the previous sense of aesthetics.
Doug:
Seriously. If 2004 was the Mona Lisa mastahpiece, the past few months have been the fucking moustache.
Susan/Circle:
Rumah has it the front office got cold feet aftah his 2nd interview.
Mike:
Can you corroborate that?
Susan/Circle:
Dude, this is the friggin Internet age, we don't need to stinkin' corroboration.
Mike:
Well, eitah way, can't say I'm saddened by this "loss"
Mike:
For in theory I know how to pronounce dude's name, but yet every time I came across it, I was all — "Sssvv... Ssvveeh... Sswhha... Sssuliman... Ssswhawha... Ah fuck it."
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, I see it in print and my mind just waves it on by.
Mike:
Ironic, right? I mean there hasn't been this much waving someone by in this town since S-S-S-Sveum was 3rd base coach.
Mike:
Well, you know things are slow when the only "news" coming out of the GM meetings is how John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino were breaking bread with Yankees president Randy Levine.
Al:
Gasp! How scandalous.
Doug:
Friggin 1-percentahs plotting new nefarious ways of stickin' it to the fan!
Doug:
The new bird is cursed! Back to the old bird.
Mike:
Well, they got it half right... There's a curse alright, but it's the old bird sitting in ownah's box.
Bill:
Well, Jon Bon Temps, being that Boston didn't make you an initial offah, didn't make you a countah offah, and all but helped you pack, I'm not sure that your statement carries quite as much impact as you think it does.
Bill:
Now isn't that just the damnedest coincidence...
Bill:
Aftah our first two weeks togetheh, my RealDoll said the exact same thing!
Al:
Well, Patriots back in first and, don't look now, but I almost, almost think I've bottomed out on Red Sox angst and maybe, just maybe I'm turning slightly less pessimistic...
Al:
I mean, sure we lose Paps, but we lose him to the NL and we do have Bard, which has been the plan for the future of the closer position all along.
Doug:
Yeah, and look on the bright side... how often are you gonna get to have the chance to have a managah whose last name rhymes with "lame," "blame," and "shame"?
Mike:
Seriously. Think of the fun we'll have.
Bill:
This is a bad friggin year to be a Red Sox fan.
Bill:
"Two sources, who asked not to be identified, said a Red Sox player caught Fitzpatrick sodomizing a boy in the shower, much like then-Penn State graduate assistant Mike McQueary did Sandusky. The player reported the incident to the team but not police. Fitzpatrick kept his job anyway."
Bill:
So for the motherfucking Yawkeys we've got...
Bill:
Racism? Check.
Covering up and otherwise enabliing anal rape of children? Check.
I mean what's left for Yawkey-sponsored atrocities? Genocide? Cliterectomy? Canabalism?
Doug:
Puts a whole different slant on "Yawkey Way" doesn't it?
Bill:
I just threw up in my mouth.
Bill:
OK, everyone can friggin relax already...
Mike:
Seriously. And according to Mazz it's gonna be "a baseball version of Barack Obama and Joe Biden."
Mike:
Is that one hell of an awesomeness sandwich or what?
Bill:
"Siri, remind me to buy a terabyte hard drive for video storage of all the coming Red Sox pennant winning highlights."
Mike:
This is the motherfucking change we've been waiting for.
Bill:
I got a fevah, and the only prescription is Sveumcare!
Doug:
Well, Larry Lucchino proves yet again he has his fingah on the pulse, the very pulse of Red Sox Nation...
Al:
Oh, wow, is that munificent or what? Line me right the fuck up.
Doug:
And, of course, the Red Sox will continue to offah special discount programs for Active Duty Military and Clergy in 2012.
Al:
Well, that's great and all, but no special offahs on beer and chicken?
Mike:
You guys do know that there will come a day when you have to get ovah The Collapse™, right?
Doug:
Yeah, though in the words of Aragorn in LOTR — But it is not this day!
Susan/Circle:
This time of year is always a downah for a baseball fan, but this year it feels even more so.
Susan/Circle:
I mean the lack of a manager has left me feeling untethered and drifting, yet the candidates so fah and the general lack of anything inspiring, conversely, has me feeling bound up and claustrophobic.
Susan/Circle:
You know it's for moments like these that the internet was invented.
Marty:
Ah, c'mon, Bill, cheer up.
Marty:
Besides, the Patriots are a lock, an absolute lock to make the playoffs.
Marty:
Just like the Red Sox.
Marty:
Bwahahhhahaahhhaa.
Bill slamming phone with thought bubble:
!
Mike:
Oh, isn't that cute? Larry is showing us that he is a real honest to goodness "baseball guy."
Doug:
He thinks in baseball metaphors fercrissakes. He just can't help himself!
Mike:
Well, here's the question I have for Lar da Baseball Guy...
Mike:
Since the Red Sox have demonstrated that not all 4th innings are created equally...
Mike:
Is this a 4th inning in July or a 4th inning in Septembah?
Al:
And by, Septembah, we mean, of course, the month of cornucopia overflowing with the Colonel's extra crispy recipe.
Doug:
Fingah-lickin suckitude.
Susan/Circle:
So the Cubs get Theo Epstein and Terry Francona while we probably get nothing in compensation for Theo and we get Dale Sveum?
Susan/Circle:
Can't hardly wait to queue up in Decembah for 2012 tickets!
Mike:
Remembah, the road to heaven is paved with Sveum: the road to Sveum is not paved at all.
Mike:
"I would give a manager I wanted to see again a team of Strat-O-Matic cards and play a three game series against him when he came back."
Al:
Christ, that's way bettah than the idea I came up with.
Al:
Mackanin, Cherington, and Lucchino in a game of Twister. Shaughnessy mans the spinnah.
Susan/Circle:
Hey, somebody get the college board on the line, I've got a new SAT question for them...
Susan/Circle:
Kim Kardashian is to success with relationships as Theo Epstein is to ________________?
Mike:
And the correct answer is: "Signing free agent shortstops."
Susan/Circle:
Oh, settle down, Cubbies. We kid because we love. And by love we mean, of course, feasting on a nevah ending diet of scorn and resentment.
Susan/Circle:
Hey, who needs compensation when we've got Larry "The Glue" Lucchino?
