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Doug:
How is it that no mattah what day, what week, what season, what decade, what century, the Yankees always seem to a have rostah packed with guys like Francisco Cervelli?
Mike:
You know how one of the lessons of Moneyball is that a college baseball player's chance of MLB success is far and away highah?
Mike:
Well the Yankees have their own theory. They believe the numbah one criterion for playah selection is this: Is the guy or isn't the guy a fucking douchebag?
Doug:
Lewis needs to write a new book—Yankeeball: The Art of Douchebagging Your Way to Fame.
Mike:
I will say this, I was feeling fairly blasé about the remaining Yankees series, what with us kicking their ass all year and all, but now, thanks to Cervelli, I'm friggin totally into it again.
Mike:
I think I saw that in a movie once... you know, "Wankie's Choice."
Doug:
Can you believe it — less than a month before the regulah season and only 29 games remaining?
Mike:
Even bettah, though it's unlikely the Sox get to 100 wins, can I tell you how amazing it is to even be discussing 100 wins aftah the April we lived through?
Al:
With that said, being a bit long in the tooth and having been scarred with unimaginable collapses, can we go a bit easy on the congratulatory tone until the the magic numbah is zero?
Al:
It's time to keep our powdah dry.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Well, this is a first — in 8 years of doing Soxaholix for the first time ever I completely, absolutely, 100% forgot.
I mean I just didn't forget to write a strip, I woke up went about my business and forgot The Soxaholix, the Red Sox, and baseball entirely until about 3 minutes ago.
I'd like to say I had some sort of uncanny feeling that "something feels missing," but, no, it was otherwise a completely normal Monday.
At least I think we all know where to place the blame for this, though.
That's right, the fucking Tea Party.
Bill:
Oakland up 7-1 aftah 3 and then end up losing 22-9 aftah the Yankees hit 3, count 'em 1, 2, 3 mofo grandies... the first time that has evah happened in the history of MLB?
Doug:
Hey, as Jesus said, let he who has nevah gooched tweet the first condemnation of the goochah.
Bill:
So is Jesus a PC or a Mac dude?
Doug:
Neithah. Jesus doesn't believe in possessions...
Doug:
But he occasionally borrows a tablet from Moses.
Bill:
Ah, the 1st Generation tablet.
Doug:
Yeah, heavy as all fuck, but the warranty lasts an eternity.
Rider on Green Line:
Today's planned (and written in my head) strip has been derailed by the Globe mysteriously changing this line:
"'So,' Beckett said with a sardonic smile, 'I guess that means we can beat Texas'."
To this line:
"'So,' Beckett said with a smile that bespoke satisfaction, 'I guess that means we can beat Texas.'"
In this Peter Abraham "Extra Bases" blog post sometime after I read the original piece around 5am.
The whole theme of today's strip was built around the word "sardonic." I shit you not.
I'm not 100% sure (you know, the chronic and all) but I'm I'd swear in a court of law sure that I didn't imagine the original line.
So why the change? Somebody at the Globe think the readers are too dumb to know what sardonic means?
If so, then why not just turn the whole thing into this?
See Josh throw the ball. It is fast. See Jacoby run to the ball. The ball is small. Jacoby jumps. Jacoby catches the ball. See Jane in the pink hat? Jane is happy.
Al:
You know, I find it rathah easy to not look at John Lackey.
Al:
So glad Ellsbury was back to bring some "energy" to the lineup.
Al:
With that said, and even with a win tonight, does anyone really feel comfortable facing Texas in an elimination series?
Doug:
Funny, Mitt Romney is wondering the same friggin thing.
Doug:
I know that sometimes during a season an opposing team just has your number, but the Rangers haven't just gotten the Red Sox number, they've stolen the whole friggin identity.
Mike:
Seriously, when Bedard sent that pitch to Napoli it was if he answered a most urgent email request from a Mr. Louis Wallner, a former staff of one of the leading banks in London and also a Member of the AMERICAN BANKERS ASSOCIATION seeking the beneficiary of a man (Mr. Robert John) who died in 2004 South Asia Tsunami with his family while on a holiday in Thailand leaving behind $20 million.
Mike:
They've lost five straight games against the Rangers and 11 of the last 13.
Doug:
If this keeps up, Rick Perry is gonna walk out, shoot the Red Sox, and announce that he put down the vermin and general nuisance to all proud Texans at that particular juncture in an appropriate way.
8.5 games up in the wild card, dog days of summer …
Rider on Green Line:
Z z z z z z z z z z....
Rider on Green Line:
Z z z z z z z z z z....
Rider on Green Line:
Z z z z z z z z z z....
Seriously, I've got nothin'…
Lisa the Temp:
Except for Lisa the Temp, of course.
Lisa the Temp:
You know it's like Mark Twain said, "The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation."
Lisa the Temp:
Of course, Mark Twain was a bitter misanthrope so your mileage may vary.
Lisa the Temp:
Man goes down a river. Nothing happens. Man goes down a river a second time. Nothing happens. The end.
Lisa the Temp:
You can't put a price on genius, amigos.
Mike:
Christ I know everything is going to turn out fine in the end, but I confess these sudden losing streaks are vexing.
Al:
Hey, if you were to text that would it be "vexting."
Mike:
The worst paht of yestahday's loss is we don't even have Ellsbury's exploits to soothe us.
Doug:
Rene Descartes walks into a bah...
Al:
Cool. Love the Tavern.
Doug:
So Rene Descartes walks into the Baseball Tavern, settles in at the bah, ordahs a Pernod and stahts watching some Red Sox highlights on the TV.
Doug:
The bahtendah brings the Pernod and sets it down just as they're showing a montage of Jacoby's dingahs from this season, and the bahtendah says, "Wow, is that Ellsbury on a tear or what?"
Doug:
And Rene Descartes says, "Oui, Oui. Jacoby he eez extraordinaire."
Doug:
Then the bahtendah asks, "So you think he's got a shot at the MVP?"
Doug:
Rene Descartes responds, "I think not." And, poof, disappears.
Mike:
If anyone has evah wondahed...
Mike:
(And I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't wondah)
Mike:
What Giamatti means in Take Time for Paradise when he speaks of the "rage to perfection" and the artist's/athlete's drive to achieve that "state of complete intensity and complete relaxation—complete coherence of integrity between what the performer wants to do and what the performer has to do..."
Mike:
And the spectatah witnessing this on the field or stage in astonishment as the "precise random movements had never before come together in this form to challenge the players" and is "privy to the realized act of imagination and assents, is mastered, and in that instant, bettered."
Mike:
If you've evah wondahed what Giamatti means by all that, well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the agon.
Susan/Circle:
5-4-3. Quod erat mothafuckum demonstrandum!
Mike:
So it's the middle of August and we're tied for first with the Yankees and yet I have no tension, no stress, nothing but absolute certainty that everything is playing out perfectly.
Mike:
I appreciate the analogy and yet I'm not convinced that the Yankees are the grasshoppah despite their preference to buy rather than produce.
Al:
True it's more like red ant vs pinstripe ant.
Doug:
Enough with the fucking ants already.
Doug:
It's always ant this and ant that...
Doug:
But I'm here to tell you — The ant is way the frig overrated.
Mike:
Dude, what are you some sort of anti-antite?
Doug:
Look, ants are great if you're into the whole colony caste system, "workah" and "soldier" and the fascist insect thing.
Doug:
But get this — the cockroach can live a month without food.
Doug:
The cockroach can friggin swim, dudes, swim! And a roach can hold it's breath for 40 freakin' minutes.
Doug:
Meanwhile what do ants do? Follow fucking ordahs. Whoop de friggin do.
Al:
Speaking of insects, anybody else hearing crickets?
Susan/Circle:
Wow. Was that classic CHB or what?
Susan/Circle:
I mean we've got all the criteria…
Susan/Circle:
Mandatory if forced simile involving local lore to set the stage and promote CHBs Boston bona fides? "This is starting to feel like waiting for the completion of the Neponset Bridge project." Check.
Susan/Circle:
Reference of and comparison to Red Sox past and obligatory name dropping of formah playahs to authenticate the CHB's role as head librarian of the Red Sox archives? Eckersley. Dizzy Deen. Yaz. Check, check, and check.
Susan/Circle:
Catchy, at least in Shaugnessy's mind, phrase to theme the situation? "The Weight of the Wait." Check.
Susan/Circle:
And, last but certainly not least, invoking the shadow of mythic tragedy? "Wakefield looked like a man feeling about half-past dead - a man in need of a place to lay his head." Check.
Mike:
Somebody alert the committee — I think we found the next Pullit Surprise.
Lisa the Temp:
Did you miss you some Lisa, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
I've been on vacation.
Lisa the Temp:
What a lovely place, peeps. I tell you a girl could really lose herself there.
Lisa the Temp:
What's that?
Lisa the Temp:
Yes, I can assure you temps get vacations just like everyone else.
Lisa the Temp:
Especially during the good times like these.
Lisa the Temp:
I mean just the other day I was offered a "permanent temporary position."
Lisa the Temp:
That's right, peeps, Lisa's resplendence is real and will never be downgraded.
Bill:
OK. The Sox played 20 games in 20 days. Won 13 of 'em. And finish right where they started the 20-stretch, a 1.5 game lead in the AL East.
Mike:
Seriously. Time to just chill out, put on some tunes...
Bill:
The best thing about Spotify is it gives you the chance to dig up and listen to music from your past.
Bill:
But the worst thing about Spotify is it gives you the chance to dig up and listen to music from your past.
Mike:
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be, eh?
Bill:
Jesus. I need to go back in time and give my past self a serious beat down.
Mike:
Need to go all Bat Shit Taverez on your previous self.
Bill:
Yeah, Tavarez with a heavy helping of Tek:
"Listen up youngah, Bill, we don't throw at .260 hittahs and we don't listen to this pussy music you've been playing on your Walkman!"
Mike:
So Papi's finally gone and done it…
Mike:
Well there's that, yeah, but I was talking about his ascendance to the higher spiritual plane of the guru.
Mike:
Like all the great spiritual mastahs he's begun to speak in parables. It's momentous.
Doug:
Seriously. And just wondering what Papi means in that statement you reveal that you yourself are not ready for that highah level of existence.
Mike:
Right Papi exists on a plane beyond "meaning." A plane simply of "is."
Al:
I get it. It's like the riddle of "What is the sound of one hand clapping."
Doug:
Or my own personal fave, "If a Real Doll pisses in her crate, does she make a sound?"
Steve:
48 games left and starts roughly every 5 days... the clock is ticking.
Mike:
You know I keep hearing about these "National Days of Prayah," but when am I gonna hear something about a "National Day of Timmah"?
Mike:
C'mon, priorities with the praying, people.
Steve:
Seriously. As God is my witness, if Wakefield doesn't get to 200 wins I'll never go to church again.
Mike:
But you don't go to church now.
Steve:
Yeah, but that's just circumstantial. This will be all official and shit.
Mike:
Official? Like you'll put it on Twittah?
Mike:
As Jesus himself would Tweet:
@matthew jsyk u r lite of wrld. like flshlite app. clk on. b gr8. k? kewl #wordofgod
Mike:
Hey, Bedard looked pretty good.
Bill:
And the Yankees won.
Bill:
And now we're tied.
Mike:
♫ "Pahty people in da house tonight"
Bill:
OK. Let's sweep these bitches.
Mike:
Clap.Clap. ClapClapClap.
Bill:
Someone turned Jacoby's powah knob to 11.
Doug:
Seriously. Last night's walkoff homah gives him 18 on the season.
Bill:
When people say "finding a groove" this is what they're talking about.
Bill:
Hey, when Johnny Pesky speaks, people listen.
Doug:
Yeah, and aftah the people listen they say, "Hey, that old dude is all kinda crazies."
Steve:
Yeah, he is, but so is the guy he drove in, Salty.
Mike:
Kid's turning out to be a pretty friggin fine catch isn't he?
Steve:
Yeah, not only is he throwing out runners, he's now the number 2 catcher in in majors in OPS.
Mike:
And, get this, Tek is something like the 7th best backup C in MLB.
Steve:
Remember when the catching spot was seen as our biggest weakness?
Mike:
Seriously. The 60/40 split with rook/vet was absolutely prescient.
Steve:
You think I can get a Sox jersey with number "3933" and "Varitamacchia" across the shoulders?
Al:
Yeah, why can't they just quietly slip under the waves of their nearby ocean?
Al:
Shaughnessy should come out with a new book on the Obama jinx so that the two unlucky chahms would cancel each othah out... you know, for the good of the country and all.
Doug:
Sersiouly, Shank could call it, "Curse of the Keynesiano."
Mike:
Speaking of books, I hope the local Sam's club is stocked up on 12 packs of Kleenex, vaseline, and Pepsis for BigBri's mom, because there's gonna be a spooge fest in Chillicothe.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? When BigBri gets a hold of that pulp, it's gonna be the Festival at the Isle of Manspank.
Al:
Slap. Slap. SlapSlapSlap.
Mike:
Well, Bedard's in the house.
Doug:
He of the been in the league since '04 but has pitched only 14 games in Septembah for his career.*
Doug:
And, for any misanthropes and pessimists among us, please take note — Bedard's last Septembah staht was 5 years ago.
Mike:
And as Petah Abraham puts it, Bedard has experience in the AL East and when he was healthy in the spring, he was one of the best lefties in the league. If he's 75 percent that good, that's better than Miller as fill in for Clay.
Mike:
Neithah nor... We should be surfeited with our Red Sox excess.
