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Doug:
I think we should get a brick in Pinto's name and engrave it with "I'd rather be curling."
Mike:
The funny thing about that Bucky Dent stuff is how "meh" it is these days.
Doug:
Seriously. Getting riled ovah a Bucky Dent reference is like turning on the TV this morning and seeing hundreds of mounted Redcoats in the Royal Wedding Processional and getting all pissed off because the British burned down the White House in 1812.
Doug:
Ancient fucking history.
Mike:
Speaking of the Royal Wedding, as much pomp and pageantry as there was in that processional from Westminster Abbey to Buckingham Palace...
Al:
Thank you Boston Bruins for being the metaphorical spring flowers to countah radioactive Red Sox April showahs.
Mike:
I hate it when the Sox lose. I really hate it when the Sox lose to the Baltimore Showalters.
Doug:
For the Sox, the frustration is palpable and it's stahting to show.
Mike:
Though, frustration or not, you had to love this from Beckett:
"Is this TMZ? I thought we were talking about a baseball game."
Doug:
And the funniest follow-up line evah would have been the reporter immediately responding with "Josh, do you think Kate Middleton is too skinny?"
Doug:
Eithah Beckett laughs or he goes bat shit berserk. Win/win.
Mike:
Sigh. When the pitching's there the hitting's not. When the hitting's there, the pitching goes crap side up.
Doug:
Have these guys nevah heard of "multitasking" fercrissakes?
Al:
Seriously. It's 2011. In the modern workplace no mattah how divergent the tasks, you gotta be able to go two-fer* if you want to be competitive.
[NSFW Threat Level Yellow – Elevated]
Bill:
Damn, that .500 record was so close I could smell it.
Mike:
Yeah, what'd it smell like?
Bill:
Yeah, smells like lavatory.
Susan/Circle:
So when Gina Panalphabetis says that what really attracted her to Tek was that he "opened up," what she really means is once she got a look at the Quadzilla she released her inner slutopoulous.
Mike:
Mee-oow. Cat fight.
Susan/Circle:
No, no, I mean that in a good way... But c'mon, take off the pink hat, Gina Tingapolous, already and drop the "Ooh I'm looking for a sensitive, open, emotive man" bullshit.
Susan/Circle:
Because last time I checked, whiny, apologizing, coddling mama's boy betas aren't in short supply.
Susan/Circle:
I don't know about Earl Weavah but the nascent sabermetrician in me says look at the data...
Susan/Circle:
And the numbahs suggest that not many women are fantasizing about "normal" men "who love to talk" and "open up their closets."
Mike:
Jeez, and I thought batting average was overrated.
Susan/Circle:
Quadzilla 1, Temerity 0.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Hope you had a pleasant Easter. A certain team we know seems to be doing OK (I will say no more for reasons that I will say nothing about.)
Back to a normal schedule tomorrow (Tuesday, 4/26).
Al:
Christ I dunno what it is about playing in Oakland, but even the day games leave me beat.
Doug:
For me it's the pollen. I feel about as alert as an air traffic controllah on the night shift.
Mike:
So as Shaughnessy magnanimously points out this morning, the Sox are not going to go 0-81 on the road this year.
Al:
And he works in anothah Wally Pipp reference.
Doug:
Not to mention refs to Tom Yawkey, Rollie Fingahs, and Clemens' Ninja shoelaces. The Shank is on fiah ovah heah.
Mike:
But the CHB ain't too happy with the lineup shuffling or the catching situation... not too happy at all.
Doug:
Of course, if Shaughnessy opines on something, I'm suddenly convinced that whatevah he thinks is bad is actually good.
Al:
Whoa! Hold on a minute. Are you suggesting that the CHB is, uh, oracularly challenged?
Doug:
Well, let's put it this way. Shaughnessy is to baseball, what Tom Friedman is to business with respect to predictions and advice.
Mike:
Well that was a wasted effort by Lackey.
Mike:
In this Oakland village
Shining my cereal bowl
Must be mourning.
Doug:
And you know what? I'm not one for the nanny statism, but I think the First Lady is on to something when she says to avoid a Salty lifestyle.
Mike:
Hey, you know, at *least* they having a winning record at home.
Doug:
Yeah, well, so does BigBri.
Doug:
Hello, is this WTF Bus Lines? Yeah, well I need to change a reservation on a one-way ticket outta town... Last name, Matsuzaka.
Doug:
What's that?... Rebook?...Ah, can I leave the date open-ended?
Bill:
Heh. So has a .333 team evah looked so friggin' worthy of hope?
Bill:
You know if you anagram "Jed Lowrie Every Day" you get "Joy, We Dialed Revery"?
Bill:
I'm just friggin sayin' that's all.
Mike:
So ol' man Scrivener says we can split for Patriots' Day as soon as we tie up the loose ends.
Al:
Doesn't this happen every year? The rest of the office is out getting pissah drunk and while here we are?
Doug:
Seriously. Even Lisa the Temp probably has the day off.
Mike:
Well, it's what comes with having a strong Calvinist work ethic... and by work ethic I mean, of course, an unquenchable fascination with procrastination.
Doug:
Hey, I voted for procrastination before I put off voting against it.
Al:
Listen my children and you shall hear
of the gyroball pitchah who disappeared.
Doug:
On the eighteenth of April, in twenty eleven
Please let Dice-K make it through seven
Mike:
In the hour of dahkness and peril and need,
The people will grow quiet, in dread and fear
The repeating 3-2 counts make it hard to succeed
Fuck! Bautista just launched one out to Revere.
Bill:
So... feeling happy are we?
Doug:
Def. It's a Friday before a long weekend and the Sox are on a two-straight day no losing streak.
Doug:
What's not to like?
Bill:
It all happened with such speed and efficiency that we fast forwarded through the panic scenes and went directly to the denouement.
Doug:
It's the mindset we had when we were kids...You could watch the Sox get crushed at both ends of of double-headah...
Doug:
And 5 minutes latah you'd be out with your buds playing a game of Whiffle and imitating the mannerisms and peculiarities of your fave Sox playahs.
Bill:
It's like they say, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"
Bill:
Absolutely. I mean the coloring technique of short rapid strokes mingled with long graceful strokes... that has a mound of applications.
Doug:
Not to mention "big circles, little circles" around a fixed point.
Bill:
There is no discounting a solid, primary education in the fundamentals.
Al:
Hey, you know, if the Sox just play .650 ball the rest of the way, it's the big one with two zeros.
Doug:
Yep, and if I could just get 3 minutes with Mila Kunis to work my impeccable Alpha gamesmanship, she'd be feeling the primordial tug of sweet gina ting.
Mike:
Yeah, and if the goverment could just eliminate Medicare, Social Security, the Department of Defense, and move everyone to Canada, it's bye-bye budget deficit.
Al:
So what are you sayin?
Doug:
I'm sayin this is a good time to find some other devoted diversion.
Mike:
Hello Royal Wedding.
Mike:
Hey, remembah — "It's a marathon, not a sprint"™
Susan/Circle:
You know, at its more puerile, that metaphor is serviceable...
Susan/Circle:
But if you actually follow the trope through, it falls all the fuck apaht.
Mike:
Seriously. Doesn't mattah if there are 26.2 miles if you're friggin gasping and wheezing and pissing blood at mile mahkah one.
Susan/Circle:
And there's a couple Kenyans out ahead of you running barefooted.
Mike:
Yeah, like somehow it's reasonable to assume that, you know I got my ass kicked in this sprint, but just give me more miles, dude, and I'll show Akili and Darweshi up there just what speed and endurance is all the fuck about.
Susan/Circle:
People forget that there's a reason it's called "Hahtbreak Hill" and not "Take the Lead Hill."
Doug:
The grass was mowed down before the paint was dried. Or something like that.
Bill:
Right-down-the-middle-san.
Doug:
So much for riding that wave of momentum welled up by Beckett and Paps on Sunday night.
Bill:
We need more there there.
Doug:
We need more heah heah.
Bill:
Is it time to kill a chicken?
Doug:
Not yet. But lighting a votive at Our Lady of the Perpetual Gourd couldn't hurt.
Mike:
Sure as hell was impressive.
Al:
Gave me that nostalgic tingle of previous Red Sox pitching dominance ovah the Yankees -- Bloody Sock Game, Pedro's 1 hit, 17 SO game...
Doug:
And best thing about it? Watching it was like rinsing the mouth out with Listerine aftah eating the shit sandwich that we were fed the past week.
Al:
So here's the thing... Moving forward which team is the real team – The one that has opened the season 2-7? Or the one that took 2 of 3 in it's opening home series against the MFY's?
Al:
Seriously. I'm in a friggin conundrum. Do I cheer or chastize? Rope or dope? Hem or haw?
Mike:
I'm not going to do anything.
Al:
Nothing? I can't just do nothing. I've got too much Calvinist cultural world view coursing through my New England veins.
Mike:
Here's how you work that...
Mike:
In not knowing what to do, you've actually done something, which is the not knowing, so you do nothing.
Doug:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, now batting, the guru, Mike Siddhartha Sweeney.
Al:
I wish I'd had that line back when I was a teenagah and my dad was yelling at me to stop laying around the house loafing...
Al:
"Dad, I'm not lazy, I'm enlightened."
Doug:
And your dad would have been all, "I'm gonna enlight you upside the head you lil' prick."
Mike:
While drinking a Narragansett and puffing a Marlboro.
Al:
Yeah, good times, good times.
Doug:
Memo the the Red Sox offense: The government shutdown does not apply to you.
Bill:
You know, for the first 8 innings yestahday, I thought the Red Sox would surely find a win to end the streak.
Doug:
Met too, but that thinking turned out to be a total Kloppenburg.
Bill:
Oddly, I find myself not feeling as totally morose ovah an 0-6 staht as I would have thought.
Doug:
That's called "being in shock."
Bill:
Maybe. But I can't help but look at the bright side.
Doug:
There's a fucking bright side? Do pray tell.
Bill:
One, Lestah out-pitched Carmona. Two, as Pinto points out, despite the 0 and 6, the Red Sox eithah pitched well enough or hit well enough in five of the game to win.
Bill:
They just haven't been able to do both at the same time.
Doug:
Dude, if that's the bright side then it's time to invest in compact fluorescents, because it's gonna be a dahk summah.
Mike:
You know I'm all for GTD and staying ahead of deadlines but couldn't the Red Sox, you know, wait until summah befoah "ruinin' my summah!"?
Susan/Circle:
Well, Aristotle always said the tragedy, with its inherent seriousness and dignity, was the highest aht form.
Mike:
Yeah, but, if the Red Sox wanted me to go Greek at least they could have asked before just rammin' me with 5 straight.
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. And here's the real kink in my kinesis – Just how much dunamis do I have to keep in reserve?
Susan/Circle:
What I mean is, if I'm dropping my metaphorical load of cathahsis aftah 5 season opening losses, what do I aftah 6? Aftah 7? Aftah...?
Mike:
C'mon, now, steady. These aren't the friggin 1988 Orioles ovah heah.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, the '88 Orioles nevah knew they were the friggin '88 Orioles until they were.
Al:
Yeah, the Indians pretty much dashed the hopes that the first 3 games in Texas were some weird aberration.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? The Indians just rode off and kidnapped our 2011 as if it were Cynthia Ann Pahkah.
Mike:
But, hey, you know, the Pahkahs did get Cynthia Ann back.
Doug:
Yeah, 24 years, 1 Nokoni war chief husband, and 3 Comanchitos latah... Clap.Clap. ClapClapClap.
Steve:
Yeah, though, if we're gonna get all historical, we shouldn't leave out the contraposing alternative, the 1996 Red Sox.
Mike:
Ah, refresh my memory...
Steve:
Then they proceeded to lose another 16 games in April to finish out the month at a nasty 7-19...
Steve:
But the carnage didn't end there as they went into the All Star Break at an abysmal 36-49 and were essentially toast, dry toast, no butter whatsoever.
Steve:
But they did have one fuck of a second half and ended up 85-77 on the season, though 7 games back in the East. Clap. Clap. ClapClapClap.
Mike:
I'm going to choose to go with the Yankees comparison.
Doug:
Ah, throw back the lobstah, hold the roll... instead we'll be dining on spam and saltines for the moment.
Mike:
I've heard of the Texas 2-Step but I hadn't heard of the Texas 21 Extra Base Hit Throat Stomp.
Mike:
You know, when your 2011 Opening Series goes like that, you deserve whatevah the CHB dishes.
Al:
Let's just hope things turn around in Cleveland.
Doug:
Yeah, the thought of these guys steaming ovah to Cleveland just to drop a anothah load is untenable.
Father Tim:
♪ In nomine Patris et fillii et Spirituuuuuus Sanctiiiii ♪
Scene from a church:
♫ Ahhhhh-men.
Father Tim:
"We also find glory in tribulation, knowing that tribulation exercises patience."
Father Tim:
And faith in Buchholz, he of the clay, who shall endure.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
On Opening Day 2004 The Soxaholix site was born.
Four million page views, 1692 strips, 44684 comments, and two World Series later, we say...
"Play Ball!"
May this be the best season yet.
Thanks for your readership over the past seven seaons and offseasons.
