« January 2011 |
Main
| March 2011 »
Doug:
OK, I confess that I haven't seen The King's Speech nor do I have plans to see it anytime soon...
Doug:
But I'll take the word of othahs that it's great and all.
Mike:
Funny, I was just saying the same thing about the Gyroball.
Al:
Yeah, even that chick in Winter's Bone who walked all ovah redneckville looking for her dad wouldn't be able to find the Gyroball.
Doug:
Maybe there really was a Gyroball but some nefarious bastard stole the secret for how to throw it while Dice-K was dreaming.
Mike:
Are you kidding me, of all the Red Sox, Beckett's the one most likely to pull an Aron Ralston.
Doug:
In the words of the sagacious Kurt Cobain,
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't aftah you."
Bill:
It makes total sense for the Red Sox to exploit this capability. All the most powahful organizations have a secret, intelligence gathering branch.
Doug:
Yeah, but the Red Sox need a bettah name for it. Calling them "scouts" just isn't cutting it.
Doug:
I mean they need a name inspires fear, like "The Stasi" which in my mind is hands down the best name evah for an effective and repressive secret intelligence gathering unit.
Bill:
I dunno. Stasi is good and all, but being an old school Catholic taught by nuns sorta guy, I don't think any name evah is bettah than "The Inquisition."
Bill:
I mean just think about it...
Bill:
When some prospect is found in a hotel room with two teenag girls, a mirror full of coke, and a JAXA tweetbot he can exclaim –
"Jeez, I didn't expect the Red Sox Inquisition!"
Doug:
"Nobody expects..."
Bill:
So on and so forth...
Susan/Circle:
From "Weeks shy..."
Tara:
"Just weeks shy of his 39th birthday, Varitek could easily pass for 10 years younger. His biceps ripple his jersey. His quads resemble a pair of tree trunks. His chest could pass for a Jersey barrier. His hairline hasn’t even receded."
Susan/Circle:
Tree trunks?
Susan/Circle:
Hard maple?
Susan/Circle:
I think I need to go, er, powdah my nose.
Mike:
Well, this is great news — the Sox intend to pick up francona's 2-yr, option at the end of the year.
Mike:
Rememebah when he was named skippah and we were all skeptical?
Bill:
Us? Skeptical? Get the frig out.
Mike:
The man is now eligible for sainthood.
Bill:
Are you kidding me? They should rename the pass between the mountains Lafayette, Lincoln, and Canon, "Francona Notch."
Mike:
And then they should reconstruct a rock formation with the profile of Francona and call it "the Old Tito of the Mountain."
Bill:
Oh, hell, yeah they should.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Oversleeping + day job crunch = No strip today.
(And if you don't believe me, I've got a note here from a doctor in Wisconsin...)
Al:
Anothah day, anothah example of a perfectly blissful Red Sox Spring Training camp.
Mike:
It's an absolutely model camp.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? If this camp was run any more efficiently there'd be a string quartet playing Brahms as you entah.
Al:
The average American only drinks the equivalent of 470 pints of beer a year.
Doug:
The Baptists, Mormons, and othah assorted alcohol dissing nuttahs are bringing us down.
Mike:
Seriously. You know what my Uncle Murph calls the consumption of 470 pints of beer?
Mike:
You know as corny and cliche as it sounds, hearing that the Red Sox are "embracing" the 2011 expectations that have been placed upon them makes me feel all tingly.
Doug:
Seriously, the 2011 Red Sox are going to be the Charlie Sheens of the pantheon — whatevah comes along they'll take it, pay for it, and snort coke off its metaphorical ass.
Mike:
That's not to say that we won't wake up at season's end with rug burns and the ache of unfulfillment.
Doug:
Speaking of unfulfillment, how do you think the Japanese astronauts on the International Space Station are going to feel?
Doug:
I mean first they get setup with the titillating news from JAXA that they're getting a top of the line Japanese shebot.
Mike:
JAXA ur not doin it rite!
Doug:
Now that's what I'm fucking talking about.
Bill:
Way to aim high, samurai, way to aim high!
Doug:
Seriously. And following Dice-K's raising of the bah for personal achievement, my goal for the 2011 summah will be as follows...
Doug:
To not hit the chronic on Saturdays any earlier than, say, lunch. And if I do happen to wake and bake that I do not do so with the skunk.
Bill:
Heh. Remembah that Saturday last June when you got lost in the North End on the skunk?
Doug:
Well, it wasn't so much "lost" as it was an uncertainty of were I was going because of the profound — some would say disturbing — spatial disorientation that is a characteristic of skunk.
Doug:
And it wasn't so much the spatial disorientation as it was my absolute conviction that I was being surveilled by Mossad.
Doug:
A skunk-scented room,
where clouds swirl in bong water
deeper than the sea.
Mike:
Youks back to third.
Mike:
God is in his heaven, and all is right with the World.
Mike:
So Francona says they'll be using Spring Training to "gain more flexibility with his legs and regain strength in his arm."
Susan/Circle:
8=========D
Doug:
Sigh. I fall for it every year...
Doug:
From about Christmas on I keep thinking "if I can just make it to pitchers and catchers reporting then all will right with the world."
Al:
Speaking of the song remaining the same, have you heard that J.D. Drew is still hurt?
Doug:
Cue the ominous music... "Will the 2011 Red Sox stay healthy????"
Mike:
Bettah than that, cue the movie trailah voice ovah guy...
"In a world where staying healthy is all that matters..."
"One team..."
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls..."
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Lisa the Temp:
So, peeps, what if someone created a computer program that superimposed a critical mass of face photos to create an average composite of all the faces?
Lisa the Temp:
And what if someone did this for the native women of 41 different countries around the world?
Lisa the Temp:
Who would look the most beautiful?
Who would look the most bitchy?
Who would look the most likely to cook you dinner on the second date?
Who would look quite likely to teabag your Earl Grays?
Lisa the Temp:
And what about Lisa? Wherein lie her national roots do you suppose?
Lisa the Temp:
Wait, what's that? Is Lisa being mean? Being anti-femimist? Falling pray to the patriarchy?
Bill:
You know the best thing about knowing that aftah championship games the losing team's pre-printed "champions" clothing gets donated to those in need?
Mike:
That the tired, the poor, the huddled masses get a chance at new clothing for the first time in their wretched lives?
Bill:
Well, there's that but what's even bettah is thinking that somewhere in some fah off 3rd World cornah of the globe, one of these homeless, tempest-tost souls is wearing a "2004 NY Yankees ALCS Champions" t-shirt.
Bill:
While it's highly improbable, I'd love to see this kid make it just so that we could one day bring a sign to Fenway that says...
Be Ware
Te Were
Doug:
You know, here I am thinking, OK, I'll just chill and watch the Super Bowl as a discrete entertainment event...
Doug:
Don't really care who wins, no reason to think about rivalries, maybe watch a few commercials, have a laugh, just a little offseason respite...
Mike:
Speaking of the commercials... Were they as truly undahwhelming as I thought they were or have I just become old and jaded?
Al:
Hey, our cars suck, we haven't turned a profit in years, but I know what it'll turn it around — A Super Bowl commercial. With a local rappah!
Mike:
See, people, this is why we can't have nice things.
Bill:
Give me a good old school New England breakfast any day... Some doom ovah easy and a cup of gloom.
Mike:
Yeah, but why stop at just 5 reasons? C'mon, people, dig deep.
Mike:
Look, it's like this... If Dice-K is the answer, then I don't want to know the friggin question.
Bill:
"I'll take 'Japanese Horror Shows' for $50 Million, Alex."
Mike:
The beauty of this, and I mean beauty in a Haiku about cormorants sorta way, is that there is a certain team just to the south that would love to have a throwaway-san like Dice-K.
Bill:
Of course, there is the Yankees juggernaut of Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia. Heh.
Mike:
The poor Yankees. They've gone from a team of "Mystique and Aura" to a team of Snooki and Kreme de Krispy.
Bill:
But the diehahd Yanks fans are still engorged with wishful thinking despite the cold reality.
