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In a move that could very well turn away the remainder of the winter audience, the Soxaholix once again attempt to fuse obscure pop culture with Greek Mythology while barely mentioning the Red Sox …
Mike:
Anothah wintah day, anothah the Red Sox are so good they could "impose their will on the American League" stories.
Doug:
Is it just me, or do these stories staht to worry you a bit?
Mike:
It does seem to that many in the media have had a few sips from the irrational exuberance fountain.
Al:
Hey, the irrationality could be a lot worse. I mean have you seen the fashion press lately?
Al:
They've pretty much decided that the Brazilian tranny is the most beautiful "woman" in the world.
Al:
To me she looks like, er, a tranny.
Doug:
Look it's like the old saying goes... If she has an Adam's apple like a tranny and large hands like a tranny then she's a tranny.
Al:
Question. Is Ditka involved in anyway?
Mike:
Only tangentially... Agamemnon is Greek for Ditka.
Al:
I dunno. With all due respect to Davecat, I've got to go with the human here.
Doug:
I demand a recount.
Susan/Circle:
You know it's times like this when baseball, the very thought of baseball seems like a mirage, some down the rabbit hole bit of fiction.
Mike:
Yeah, it's gonna be awhile before we see Persephone again.
Susan/Circle:
I hate waiting on that prostitot bitch.
Mike:
Seriously. Who the fuck picks flowers outside the gates of the underworld anyway?
Susan/Circle:
"Oh, hello, Mr Rapey, it's just me 'Sephy out here picking tulips and what no, no need to send up your pimped out black chariot or anything... Oops! I do believe I forgot to put on any panties!"
Mike:
You know it's one thing if bitch wants to go get her some raw d.p. necro action in Hades, but do we all have to suffah?
Susan/Circle:
Total Pom ho that one.
Mike:
You know, I blame the mothah.
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. You go around all MILF-y laying with Cretan boys in a thrice-ploughed field and no good will come of it. No good at all.
Doug:
Yeah, and while we're living in the land of the wishful thinking, why don't we all hop on our government wasted stimulated invested high-speed rail to our glorious, high-paying clean-energy jobs!
Al:
I'm way ahead of everyone on the green jobs thing...
Al:
I mean my office is pretty much an approved natural gas recovery and collection facility.
Mike:
Seriously, Al, you've taken flatus to a whole new level... you're a true fahtist.
Doug:
And Al put the "S" in S.B.D.
Al:
Well, you know, while I certainly respect the work of those in the cacaphonic school, I've always felt that the true craftsman works in the silent form.
Doug:
You're working right now aren't you, Al?
Bill:
You know what they say, "Builds charactah."
Doug:
Yeah, well, I'm all for the charactah building, it's my nads retreating and going deep into hiding that I could do without.
Bill:
Seriously, I stepped outside this morning and it was all Osama bin Gonad.
Bill:
Not sure about Damon but this is a great move for Manny.
Bill:
In Tampa, he's closah to his grandmothahs... all 3 of 'em.
Doug:
The livin' one, the dead one, and the othah one?
Doug:
So what we're saying here is:
2011's resplendence is real, is never silent and has no bitch.
Bill:
Yeah, what we are saying here is 2011 holds more promise than an animatronic RealDoll™.
Doug:
Well, let's not get carried away now.
Bill:
True. Still need to play the 2011 season and all.
Doug:
Well, that and have seen the progress the Japanese are making with robots?
Al:
Let's see... Hot Stove Season is pretty much ovah, but it isn't yet Truck Day...
Al:
So you know what that means?
Al:
It's Media Ball Washing Season!
Mike:
Let a hundred puff pieces flourish.
Mike:
If you haven't read Cafardo's piece yet, then let me summarize:
Larry Lucchino is fucking-A awesome.
Mike:
"Outspoken and respected."
Mike:
"He doesn't apologize."
Doug:
Yeah, yeah, but I didn't see anything in there about his adopting and 3rd World babies.
Doug:
And if you're not not adopting, say, and African baby or 3 then, well, you know...
Your omniscient author in absentia:
It seems I'm having one of those days.*
*[Insomnia followed by finally getting to sleep only to oversleep; late start to workout then got all the way to gym locker only to realize I left my work clothes in car; craptastic treadmill workout; unrhythmic swim breath/stroke resulting in gulping pool water; traffic; no Red Sox news...]
Bill:
Look, it's snowing...
Bill:
It's a veritable eon until pitchahs and catchahs...
Bill:
The Pats Dynasty didn't last as long as the TV show Dynasty...
Bill:
I missed out on buying gold low...
Bill:
Steve Jobs is dying...
Bill:
So, no, I do not want to attend a learning seminah on "reading body language"...
Bill:
Absolutely, unequivocally, no...
Bill:
It'll include lunch?
Bill:
From that Greek place on the cornah...
Bill:
Well, then, pimp up your PowahPoint and sign me the frig up.
Bill:
Cuz all of a suddens I got a hankerin to reads me some bodies.
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Must.Stop.Thinking.About it...
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Must.Stop.Thinking.About it...
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
Must.Stop.Thinking.About it...
Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill (thinking to himself):
I'm on a nonstop ride to Ughchestah and there's no getting off.
Bill:
But you've gotta love this take from Pinto on the deal:
"Given his value as rated by FanGraphs, the Yankees are really over-paying here. It almost makes me wonder if this deal is for real."
Doug:
Let's face it, only the Federal Government gives less of a shit about spending and ROI than the Yankees.
Bill:
Meanwhile, it's too bad the Yankees don't have any stahting pitching.
Doug:
Yeah, Soriano/Rivera are "The Bridge *from* Nowhere."
Bill:
Hey, the first 6 innings are way the frig overrated.
Doug:
Clap.Clap. ClapClapClap.
Al:
Yeah, the whole "we athletes are paht of an elite supah species who view the opposing playahs as brothahs and would nevah stoop to the level of proletariat fans" bit can only go so fah.
Doug:
Absolutely. Give me the old-school animus of a Dick Butkus ovah the new age love fest of, say, Choice/Vick any friggin day.
Al:
And it's good for the NFL. I mean just think of how many casual fans are now going to stop everything to watch Jets v Pats?
Mike:
Not to distract from your virulence fete, but doesn't that make you wondah a little bit if the whole Cromartie thing isn't scripted purely for entertainment and hype generation?
Doug:
Ah, fuck. You've got a point.
Al:
Seriously. If the NFL with the help of Bush can create a weathah machine to send a hurricane to destroy New Orleans only to bring the undahdog Saints the Lombardi a few yeahs latah then anything is possible I suppose.
Mike:
NFL = Nefarious Falsehod League!
Doug:
Ah, those were the days, huh?
Al:
Sigh. I wish John Conner could get the Terminators to give the real Madonna back.
Lisa the Temp:
You know what's great about January, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
Nothing. Not a single thing.
Lisa the Temp:
That's what makes it such a perfect month.
Lisa the Temp:
Dadism meets the New Realism.
Lisa the Temp:
You can look it up.
Lisa the Temp:
[Sigh] So I was bored yesterday...
Lisa the Temp:
And for amusement I thought it'd be fun to map the last 20 spots where Lisa has temped.
Lisa the Temp:
Never seen a map before?
Lisa the Temp:
Oh, are you upset with Lisa?
Lisa the Temp:
Does Lisa need to call your mommy?
Doug:
OK, let it be said that the Oregon Ducks have the ugliest uniforms in football and for that alone they deserved to lose.
Doug:
Intimidation — Ur not doin it rite.
Mike:
And what's with this trend of game-specific uniforms?
Al:
Yeah, it's like "I went to a football game and a Lady Gaga concert broke out."
Mike:
You know, as much as it pains me to say it, this is where the Yankees absolutely kick ass.
Mike:
There is a Yankees road uni and a Yankees home uni. End of story. Forevah and evah.
Mike:
No gimmicks. No upsell. No razzle-dazzle. Gray or pinstripes. Like it or go pound sand.
Doug:
Now if only the Yankees fans had as much style.
Mike:
Yeah, he's like Old Ironsides, once a year he's taken out for a spin whether he wants it or not.
Mike:
You know there's something to be said for this fallow period...
Mike:
Gives you a chance to kick back and decluttah the brain a bit.
Bill:
Yeah, well, I think I may have gone ovahboard with the decluttah.
Bill:
Eithah that or I'm just entering a "vague" phase of my life.
Bill:
I dunno. I just have a vague idea of things. A vague sense of what is happening in the world. A vague sense of having met someone before...
Bill:
It's like vaguely being drunk all the time.
Mike:
Maybe it'd help to focus on something definitive, you know like the 2004 World Series run.
Bill:
Hell, even that has a vague veneer.
Mike:
C'mon, guy. Seriously?
Bill:
Yeah, you know, a bloody sock, a homerun, a steal, a midget, a lunah eclipse, maybe...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I mean think about it...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
We've all seen how the comments are way down...
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I'm sure that, consequently, traffic is way down as well.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And, let's face it, the only news right now is about the "other" Ted Williams.
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So a 4-day strip cycle shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us.
Doug:
I sure would like to see this Max Ramirez thing work out.
Mike:
I mean they basically get this guy for free, so if it turns out he is a late bloomah it's all upside.
Mike:
And if he's a bust? No biggies.
Doug:
Well, there's that...
Doug:
But bettah still, if this guy turns into a bonafide stud, we get to invoke the nickname Max-Ram!
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. I think to get an F grade Theo would have needed to do something like driving the Truck Day truck while tweaked on crystal and running ovah Cahl Crawford.
Mike:
Speaking of grades, it's year end review time for us.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, I had mine yestahday.
Susan/Circle:
Meh. I was told I need to improve on my "teamwork" and "collaboration" strategy...
Susan/Circle:
Said I have too much of a "My way or the highway" attitude.
Susan/Circle:
But that's so ridiculous. I mean I'm not that unwilling to compromise.
Susan/Circle:
For instance, I'm perfectly fine with "My way or the Appalachian Trailway."
Susan/Circle:
See? I'm all about accommodation ovah heah.
Al:
OK now that we've opened all of our Red Sox presents, the full on malaise of January has set in.
Al:
I'm the friggin chairman of the bored.
Al:
[♪ singing, mockingly]
Up on the housetop, click, click, click.
Mike:
Yeah, the low-pitched hipstah warbling and so-called "Video Song" thingy were rathah chahming the first 50 times or so, but by Christmas Eve I was having visions of punching the bearded dude in the neck.
Mike:
[♪ singing]
Punch in the neck, I won't pause,
To overplay a jingle's against natural law.
Mike:
Absolutely. Nataly Dawn's vying with Summer Glau for the title Miss Seborrheic Keratosis.
Doug:
And it totally turns me on.
Al:
Dude, Are you kidding me? That things an outcropping waiting for a lighthouse.
Doug:
Look when she does that coy look away from the camera move with her eyes, I just wanna nubble up and suck on that thing like it's a 3rd nipple.
Doug:
Yeah, there's nothing like the blank pages of the New Year story to help one take stock of one's self.
Doug:
I mean I look around and think, "Hey look I'm doing the same crappy things at the same crappy job I was doing last year and the same crappy things and same crappy job as the year before that and the year before that..."
Bill:
New Year's Day–
everything is in blossom!
I feel about average.*
Doug:
And in the spirit of Oki, here's to having a job at all.
Bill:
Replacement level workahs of the world unite!
