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Memo to Steve Johnson: Dude, you play for the friggin Bills. Yahweh doesn't know you from, er, Adam.


Yeah, can't you see just God up in heaven:

"Gathah 'round, Angels, it's time to watch the Buffalo Motherfucking 2 and 9 Bills. Behold!"


Our culture is so fucked up. Even our vision of the Omnipotent Creator is pedestrian and lame.


It's replacement level.


Absolutely. A replacement level civilization with a VORP of zero.


Think about it. Our leaders are replacement level. Our holidays are replacement level. Our food is replacement level. Our entertainment is replacement level...


Seriously. James Franco and Anne Hathaway as Oscar co-hosts? Talk about replacement level.


And it's not just external. Look at our own lives...


On any given day, a replacement level me could come in and perform my average day to day routines in an average way.


It's worse than that, Doug, the replacement level me has a VORP of +3 inches.



Wow, that guy would make a terrible Job.

In any case, God only watches the Super Bowl. And even then, only for the commercials.

God watching Super Bowl commercials:

"What is up with the talking baby thing? If I wanted motherfucking babies to talk, I would have made them talk."

Hah! An almost perfect analogy... Our culture is replacement level. Still chuckling. Think we'll do anything about it or just go all Theo and the shortstop on it? That probably makes me unpatriotic or something to one nation or another.

Really. A replacement level culture that thinks they're number 1 on the depth chart.

Putting a slightly more optimistic view on things, my wife's Thanksgiving Day dinner has a VORP of "Priceless". I just came out of the turkey coma this morning.

Sadly, replacement level me shares R.L. Bill's dilemma...

Thanks HB. I needed a laugh this morning. I'm feeling like I have a VORP of zero right about now.

If any of the creepy commenters here work someplace that might need a very techie sales and marketing executive, I just happen to be available as of yesterday.

You're right, h.b. I too think we should go get Jeter, a replacement level shortstop these days who thinks he's worth a lot more.

If John Henry can go buy a soccer team in England, he can easily afford to pay Jeter better than the Yankees' 3/$45M offer just to make him ride the pine here as a circus clown.

Oh, Christ, I just agreed with Dan Shaugnessy:

"What’s the harm in offering Jeter $20 million a year over three years? If you can pay J.D. Drew $14 million per year ... if you can pay a Japanese team $50 million just for the right to speak with Daisuke Matsuzaka ... if you can buy a futbol club for $476 million, why not spend $60 million to bust pinstripe chops for all the ages?"

COD, hang in there. Tough time of year for that shit

The last panel needs to be a new Soxaholix T..... hmmm, maybe not. Guess I don't need to advertise my shortcomings

Could be Soxaholix underwear, buck.

spoken like a true ad man! I like it- Soxaholix, er, long John(son)s. 'tis the season!

Instant classic, Hart.

*** Update Weds 12/01 ***

Having some car work done. No strip today.

Jeter talk continues, eh?

Car work? I suppose I'd consider jeter if he could get his wheels fixed. No range left in that guy.

one of the rare times I have taken the Yankees organization side. kind of turns the stomach though.

What a surreal, dream-like, wow-this-acid-is-crazy kinda space we'd be in if Jeter ever put on a Sox uni. Can't even imagine all the levels of weirdness that would conjure up.

The Sox need to engage in a bit of gamesmanship here. Make an offer to Jeter below what he is demanding but above the Yankees offer. The Yankees won't let Jeter go to any other team and they will match the offer. The Sox strategy should be to make sure the Yankees are stuck with an aging shortstop for multiple years. Of course, this could obviously backfire and the Sox are left with egg on their face.

I don't care if Jeter is the second coming of Renteria, I want him, just so ONE TIME the Red Sox can be on the "winning" side of this eternal game. Payback for Clemens, Boggs, Damon... fuck, Babe Ruth!! Pay him too much, I don't care, I just want to rub my Yanks fan little brother's nose in Jeter finishing his career with the Sox for the rest of his godforsaken life. That's just how I roll. :)

I hear you, Natalie.

Also one other thing I like about the idea is it would be the closest we'd get to my alternate-universe theory AKA the Bearded-Spock theory (not to be confused with my bearded-clam theory)...

That is, if in some alt universe where in any given year the entire Yankees roster was actually the Red Sox roster and vice versa, that I (and by extension you creepy Soxaholix as well) would love the Red Sox (made up of Yankees) and hate the Yankees (made up of Red Sox) just as we do now.

The only two flaws I see in your theory, h.b., is 1. Posada. Cant like that chinless dick bag in any uniform. And 2., you have not created the unifying theory that includes the bearded clam theory.

I'd really like for you to expound on your bearded clam theory, h.b. You have my rapt attention on this one.

Jetes? Meh. I guess I fall on the same side as Jeff (more in favor of the Yankee organization's position), although the anxiety it's caused my Yank-loving friends has been worth the price of admission so far. Either way, I don't want him on my team. We haven't had a SS I've liked on the Sox since O-Cab.

I'm with you too, Natalie.

My only concern with the "offer Jeter more money than the Yanks" theory is that he turns down the money and returns to the Pinstripe Toilet because of all the "he plays the game the right way and it's not about the money" diarrhea that would spew forth. That would, in turn, foster more talk about superiority, 27 championships and all the other I've-got-a-nub-dong-so-I-drive-a-Corvette-to-compensate crap from Yankees fans. But if he did follow the money it would be quite a dagger.

It was inevitable...

And frankly, a little creepy.

That IS creepy, Rob. Jeter looks a little like a young Francona on that card.

I'ma snowed in and youse guys are freakin' me out with all this Jeter talk, stoppit!

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