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On Vacation, 6/28 - 7/05
Posted on 2010.06.28 | Permalink | Comments (66)
Dustin Pedroia will destroy ya
Mike:
Really all Sox talk today can be encapsulate in one word — Pedroia.
Susan:
Serioulsly. I want whatevah he's having.
Mike:
Want to end our dependence on oil? find out what powahs Pedroia.
Susan:
Maybe Al Gore can get onto that.
Mike:
Aftah his massage.
Susan:
Abdominal work.
Mike:
*Low* abdominal work.
Susan:
Lowah.
Mike:
Moah lowah!
Posted on 2010.06.25 | Permalink | Comments (34)
Make friends with Kool-Aid
Bill:
I went to a baseball game and the fail blog broke out.
Mike:
I don't mean to smear Paps, but. uh. wow.
Bill:
Hey, at least we're not losing ground on the Rays.
Mike:
Pass the "it's a long season" Kool-Aid, cuz Ima gonna chug it.
Posted on 2010.06.24 | Permalink | Comments (13)
Back to the grind
Doug:
Oh. Right. Losing a game. It does happen, doesn't it?
Mike:
Can't play at a .750 pace forevah.
Doug:
Nor do we need to.
Doug:
The .750 got us back into contention. Mission Accomplished.
Mike:
Yeah, but before start unfurling the bannahs on the USS Bunkah Hill, let's remembah that now that we're in spitting distance, keeping pace with the Yankees is going to be a haul.
Mike:
Especially when you considah that Tex and Slappy have been underperforming and it's only a matter of time befoah they revert to the mean.
Doug:
Ah, no worries. If things staht go south we'll just call in Steven Chu.
Posted on 2010.06.23 | Permalink | Comments (25)
Visions
Mike:
So the Red Sox have the best record in baseball since April 20th.
Doug:
Of course they do. Don't you know everything gets bettah aftah 4/20?
Al:
Well, except for explosions on oil rigs in the Gulf which, coincidentally, also stahted on 4/20.
Mike:
60 days and counting.
Doug:
Ah, stop being such a bunch of CHB doomahs and gloomahs...
Doug:
Here's the deal: a relief well is dug by August, then a Septembah hurricane disperses the worst concentrations of the oil... And by next summah it's all a fading memory.
Al:
What? Did you have a beatific vision or something?
Mike:
Yeah, but in Doug's case remembah that a beatific vision is shorthand for a nocturnal emission involving Sarah Palin and bukake.
Doug:
Jeez, guy, you say that like it's a bad thing.
Posted on 2010.06.22 | Permalink | Comments (24)
Closure (Being Closure)
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
So I'm strolling through the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton and what do I see?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Manny Ramirez eating a 3 MUSKETEERS and reading Scripture.
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
He's a man of God now, you know, right?
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Yeah, well, I was in Providence and I happen to notice some old dude standing in the middle of the street staring up at a building.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
I do a double-take when I realize it's Romano Prodi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
And I'm like, no fucking way, Romano Prodi, right there in front of me!
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
So how 'bout that Daniel Nava?
Posted on 2010.06.21 | Permalink | Comments (22)
If you're scoring this, that's 3 for 5 JBRs this week
Doug:
So I'll countah the sting of the Celtics losing the 7th and the mothahfucking Lakahs going back-to-back by thinking of Daniel Nava and his enormous potential.
Al:
And if that doesn't work, I'll think of Erin Andrews and Daniel Nava's enormous potential.
Mike:
Ah, yes, this voyeurism of exactitude.
Doug:
Speaking of exactitude, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... "Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber."
Mike:
My God I love the intahwebs.
Al:
You know, it's difficult to comprehend how empty our lives must have been befoah.
Posted on 2010.06.18 | Permalink | Comments (36)
Savor the moments
Bill:
It's comforting, and by comforting I mean in a how humidity leads to jock itch kinda way, that Shaughnessy's tone is so consistent across the sports.
Bill:
Listen to this openah to his morning Celtic's piece:
"Take a good look at your Celtics when they break from their huddle and walk on the Staples Center court for Game 7 against the Lakers tonight. This will never happen again. Not with this group."
Bill:
Such a cheahful chap, isn't he?
Mike:
You know I've always thought it's a disservice to all of humanity that the CHB only covahs sports. I mean just imagine it...
"Take a good look at your Gulf Coast because when the oil slick hits it's all over. You'll never see this again. Evah. And then a hurricane is going to come and pick up this oil and spread it inland where it will ignite from a lightening strike and the entiah East Coast will burn down. That's the reality. And that's before the zombies..."
Bill:
You know that oil spill would have nevah happened if Harry Frazee hadn't fucking sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees.
Mike:
Curse of the B.P.ino.
Posted on 2010.06.17 | Permalink | Comments (16)
It ain't right
Al:
So the anecdotal theory that the Red Sox and Celtics cannot both win on the same night gains more credence.
Doug:
And I guess this means, then, that we can go ahead an pencil in a win for the Sox on Thursday night?
Al:
Maybe it'll help if they're not playing at the same time?
Mike:
OK, so here's the deal right... I'm sophisticated enough to realize that pro playahs don't see the game the same way we fans do, especially when it comes to "us vs. them," civic pride, and the intrinsic tie between where we live, who we are, and which teams we root for.
Mike:
With that said, though, I'm getting fucking sick to death of seeing Tom 'Justin Bieber hair' Brady rubbin' our noses in his Lakahs spoogefest.
Mike:
I mean Jesus Hussein Krishna, dude is so crossing the line.
Doug:
What the fuck gets me about Brady is how it's a one-way love affair with Brady and our ancient, blood feud rivals.
Doug:
Check it out. Have you evah seen Derek Jetah or any othah membah of the Yankees in a Patriots cap or wearing any sort of Patriots gear?
Doug:
Of course you haven't! And you nevah will.
Doug:
And I don't recall seeing Kobe at Gillette last January when Brady and Company were getting their titties pinched by the Ravens.
Al:
Who knew Tom Brady was a such a B-listah?
Mike:
Seriously. I mean what's next? When Kobe wins MVP is Brady going to lay on his back and piss himself in a show of submission?
Posted on 2010.06.16 | Permalink | Comments (13)
And then I found 5 dollars
Lisa the Temp:
Hello, Peeps! Lisa the Temp is back from her offshore assignment...
Lisa the Temp:
And let me tell you this — deep water drilling is harder than it looks.
Lisa the Temp:
Speaking of disasters, peeps...
Lisa the Temp:
Kardassian and the lil' Bieb? Srsly?
Lisa the Temp:
How do you go from playin' Reggie in da' Bush to playin' "Jason would you please push?"
Lisa the Temp:
Now if I'm Reggie Bush, what am I doing?
Lisa the Temp:
I'm immediately going out and tapping 16 year old sailboat chick that's what I'm fucking doing.
Lisa the Temp:
You wanna play? Oh, let's play, bitch.
Lisa the Temp:
Actually, I think Lisa has just found the next new hit reality series.
Lisa the Temp:
Kardassian and Bieber, Reggie Bush and Abby Sunderland on a yacht in the Indian Ocean with cameras 24/7...
Lisa the Temp:
And featuring, special guest stars...
The Somali Pirates!
Lisa the Temp:
Are you feeling me, peeps?
Lisa the Temp:
NBC have your people call my people. Let's pop this moneymaker in the can.
Lisa the Temp:
And send Lisa an iPad as well.
Posted on 2010.06.15 | Permalink | Comments (21)
Quite a buzz
Doug:
Good weekend?
Bill:
Meh, somewhere between the weekend Robert Green had and the weekend Daniel Nava had.
Doug:
So what's the biggah story — The Slam in his first Red Sox at bat or his unrequited love for Erin Andrews getting requited?
Bill:
I dunno. But I do hope Fox can repeatedly bring us Nava's parent's reaction to Erin Andrews getting hold of their son's Vuvuzela.
Posted on 2010.06.14 | Permalink | Comments (19)
Random Friday Yaks
Al:
Dropping 2 straight Cleveland? Um, OK... Just when I though I could set aside my "it's a long season" rationalizations for mental sanity.
Doug:
What is he doing while he's on the DL, wrestling grizzlies or something?
Mike:
Oh, and then there's Pedroia who may be injured, may be playing through the injury and making it worse.
Al:
Look, are we going to have to staht talking to some experts?
Doug:
And I'm not saying gathah them up for a college seminah but so that we can find some answers, and you know, find out whose ass to kick.
Al:
So do you think that someday, say, 50 years from now the Sox will be unveiling statues of Schilling, Petey, Papi and othahs from "The" Team in bronze.
Mike:
Not bronze. Holograms. Perpetual solah powahed holograms.
Al:
That interact with passersby?
Mike:
Fuck yeah. And flying cahs.
Doug:
And only the Sabermetricians and Scientists will be able to perform basic arithmetic.
Posted on 2010.06.11 | Permalink | Comments (22)
Made with 100% Boof
Mike:
So Dave Pinto wondahs what you'd call a game with 27 strikeouts, i.e., a game where, othan than fouls, the hittah makes no contact with the ball.
Mike:
You know, a step beyond the perfect game.
Susan/Circle:
Wouldn't that be "pluperfect"? Defined as more than perfect?
Mike:
All I know is it probably wouldn't be called a "Boof."
Susan/Circle:
Well, a Boof could be the antonym for a pluperfect game.
Mike:
Seriously, when your first four pitches are balls followed quickly by loading the bases, yeah, you're in the antonymous zone alright.
Susan/Circle:
So Mastahson looked shahp, huh?
Mike:
OK. OK.
Wait for it...
Hey, why can't we get pitchahs like that?
Susan/Circle:
Budump-bump-chhh.
Posted on 2010.06.10 | Permalink | Comments (21)
Old Ironsides
Mike:
2 7 7 7
Mike:
!
Bill:
And is this Wake being Wake or what?
"Wakefield said he was unaware he had gotten the record after retiring Branyan. He didn’t know why Martinez asked for the ball, at least until the catcher passed along the news."
Mike:
And how many of those innings saved a bunch of othah guys ahms which resulted in more wins?
Bill:
Thank you, Tim Wakefield.
Mike:
Thank you for 2,777 minus X innings, where X represents those innings where he was throwing the spicy meatball, of course.
Bill:
So does Timmah evah catch and/or surpass Clemens on the all time Red Sox wins list? He's at 177 and needs 192.
Mike:
Well, questions of "when" and "if" are best left to Presidents and oil executives, if you ask me but...
Mike:
If Wakefield does get to 193 then the City of Wakefield will need to change its name to the City of Tim Wakefield. That's all I'm sayin'.
Posted on 2010.06.09 | Permalink | Comments (16)
... butterflies, may be pinned any minute, anesthetized
Bill:
I think I need a scrip for Restastis... damn chronic dry eye has me seeing things.
Bill:
For instance, last night I swear I saw Ortiz beat the throw to first not once, but twice.
Doug:
Well whadya expect, POTUS says it's National Ass Kicking time.
Bill:
Even Matsuzaka read the memo.
Doug:
He's pitching like a completely different guy than the one we've seen for his entiah Red Sox career.
Bill:
The catapillah has become the buttahfly?
Doug:
Well, until Dice-K can string togethah a couple of consecutive solid outings in a row, I'm not going to crown him a monarch just yet...
Bill:
Seriously, less buttahfly and more Lunah Moth... you know, short lifespan and all.
Doug:
Ah, yes, the Luna Mothra!
Posted on 2010.06.08 | Permalink | Comments (41)
Sweet 16 for O's
Doug:
Losing to the fucking Orioles in extras is like Helen Thomas showing up at your Bar Mitzvah.
Doug:
Not appreciated.
Al:
Hey, the Orioles had to win a game again at some point.
Mike:
Yeah, and seeing that look of relief on the Oriole's playahs faces when they stormed out of the dugout like they'd just won the Division took some of the sting away.
Al:
How does a team get so bad anyway? I mean 16 and 41 and on pace for the 13th *consecutive* losing season?
Mike:
Certainly puts our occasional hissy fits into perspective, doesn't it?
Doug:
Hey, those hissy fit days are ovah. Haven't you heard? The Red Sox are no longah very populah.
Posted on 2010.06.07 | Permalink | Comments (20)
Sometimes it's the little things in life
Doug:
Sox lose.
Doug:
Celts lose.
Doug:
Bud Selig remains an asshat.
Doug:
Jesus Hussain Krishna, can somebody throw me a frickin bone ovah heah?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
It's Friday. You've got your health. And that bad boy's all grass-fed beef.
Doug:
Fuck yeah, pass the Sriracha.
Posted on 2010.06.04 | Permalink | Comments (23)
Mistakes were made
Bill:
Hey, Jim Joyce, BP's on the line... they think you might have what it takes to work for them.
Mike:
Live by the human fallibility, die by the human fallibility.
Bill:
This one sure seems heavy on the dying side. Jeez, I feel badly for Galarraga.
Mike:
I love the pastoral, timeless nature of baseball as much as the next douchebag, but for fuck's sake can we acknowledge it's not the 19th Century anymore and staht using instant replay challenges for everything othah than balls and strikes calls?
Bill:
Like Pinto says, the umps should have done that anyway in this case — "Sometimes, you have to do what’s right, not what’s in the rules."
Mike:
Seriously. This is like fining Jesus for not wearing a lifejacket while he was walking on watah.
Bill:
So I like this description of the Red Sox from Scott Ostler and in the San Fran Chronicle —
"The tough part for the visiting team at Fenway is the home team, the relentless, intelligent and well-equipped Red Sox."
Mike:
That's what we've been saying for the last 8 weeks, if you discount what we were saying for the first 7 weeks. Heh.
Bill:
Finally, let's give a tip o' the cap to the Boston Celtics as they prepare for their 12th meeting with the Lakers in the Finals.
Mike:
What a beautiful thing it is to behold.
Bill:
So how's it feel to be living in the greatest of great sports cities in the world?
Mike:
Well, the wintahs suck, but I guess I'll stick around for awhile.
Posted on 2010.06.03 | Permalink | Comments (40)
Milagro Beanfield
Mike:
Remembah when the A's were the model organization in MLB?
Mike:
Seems a whole othah lifetime ago now.
Doug:
Yeah, speaking of othah lives, remembah when John Lackey was a good pitchah?
Mike:
I will say this — Dude has an uncanny ability to work himself out of a jam.
Doug:
No kidding. I swear it felt at times that there were two men on every friggin base...
Mike:
Yet he only gives up 4 runs?
Doug:
Yeah, it's a real Miracle of the Curves and Flushes out there.
Mike:
Well, you know, what they say — Give a man a fish and he's fed for a day; give a man $85 million and every 5th day you're choking on a salted cod.
Posted on 2010.06.02 | Permalink | Comments (14)
Can't you hear me SoS
Al:
The fallen have been honored, the chahcoal grills have been lit, and summah has, howevah unofficially, begun.
Doug:
And how are we feeling?
Al:
Well, despite the "kissing your own sistah" feeling of splitting a 4 game series at home against the Royals, seriously — the Royals??, I remain tenuously optimistic.
Doug:
And why not? I mean if you factor in strength of schedule the Sox are only half a game behind the Yankees and 3 behind the Rays.
Mike:
Ah, fun with numbahs.
Al:
Yeah, talk about kissing your sistah.
Mike:
Well, considering the questionable subtext of SoS numbahs, it's more like kissing your sistah except your sistah is Lindsey Lohan.
Mike:
No mattah how you approach it, no good will come from it.
Posted on 2010.06.01 | Permalink | Comments (17)
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