What branches grow?

Al:
I confess that I have nothing to say today.

 

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Doug:
Me neithah.

 

---

Al:
Let's face it, this April has kicked our asses.

 

---

Mike:
It is the cruelest month^*.

 

---

Doug:
Maybe summah will surprise us?

 

---

Al:
Ah, Phelbas the Phucking Phoenician, I'm getting too old for surprises.

 

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Don't cha stop

Mike:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, your Boston Red Sox have gone and won 3 in a row.

 

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Doug:
And done so behind two high-qual stahts from the preseason much-hyped rotation.

 

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Mike:
Lestah let out something beyond mere quality — a dominant 1-hittah with 11 strikeouts...

 

---

Mike:
Sustained velocity, razah shahp cuttahs, fastballs thrown for strikes, changahs thrown for strikes...

 

---

Doug:
Ovah and ovah and ovah, he challenged hitters and they lost.

 

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Mike:
John Lestah, 6 feet, 4 inches, and 240lbs of "This season ain't ovah yet, bitches."

 

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Just can't hide it

Al:
OMFG the Sox are on the precipice of a season first 3 game winning streak!

 

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Doug:
Time to grease your no-no holes, fellas, because Destiny is wearing a strap on.

 

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Al:
We are watching history unfold in real-time. Oooh, gina tingles.

 

---

Mike:
One small step for a 2010 contendah, one giant leap for the 2010 Red Sox.

 

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Al:
Look, I haven't been this excited since the introduction of New Coke.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me, my excitement is so pernicious and suspicious that 2 cops from Arizona are on their way to question me.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, well, if I were any more excited Gov. Rick Perry would shoot me.

 

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Drop in the ocean

Bill:
In the words of one of my fave 80s bands I say to Josh Beckett, "Spare us the cuttah."

 

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Mike:
Couldn't cut the mustard.

 

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Bill:
Howevah, don't look now, kids, but we picked up half a game ovah idle Tampa.

 

---

Mike:
3rd place will soon be ours and ours alone.

 

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Bill:
Mofo baseball dominance. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

 

---

Mike:
And wait until we release the fucking Kraken-san on Saddadee.

 

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Bill:
Bettah put on your glasses because this shit's in 3-D.

 

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six, six ...

Mike:
Monday morning, April 19th, the Sox are 6 games of the lead...

 

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Mike:
This morning, one week latah, the Sox are 6 games off the lead.

 

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Al:
Different day, same ground.

 

---

Doug:
Ah, consistency... the measure of a true winnah.

 

---

Al:
Damn hobgoblins are ruining my summah!

 

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Fade to sunset (rented)

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
They are saying that Buchholz was "tremendous" in his loss.

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Did we have to lose the game, to save the game?

 

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Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Indeed.

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
It appears as if we are all waiting for something that will never arrive.

 

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Guts and glory

Mike:
Well, it took 12 and dose of drama but a win's a win.

 

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Bill:
I haven't folded up my white flag quite yet, but there were some moments last night where I saw some real spirit out there...

 

---

Bill:
That gutsy tag and go by Scutaro to get into scoring position, for instance.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of gutsy, how about Francona sitting Papi, Big Papi of all people in favah of Lowell?

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Who would have evah thought of a rostah move so shrewd and unexpected?

 

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Mike:
It boggles the mind.

 

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Bill:
Francona is playing chess while the rest of us are playing checkahs.

 

---

Mike:
If I'm Gizmodo, I'm on the phone right now with T-Franc asking him to predict what new features will be included on the next generation iPhone.

 

---

Bill:
The man's a friggin' visionary.

 

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Farmville

Al:
Old MacDonald called from the farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

A career minor leaguer who nevah gave up, ee-i-ee-i-o.

With a pinch hit here and a walkoff hit there

Here a hit, there a hit, everywhere this hittah hits

Old MacDonald's up from the farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

 

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Mike:
What a great friggin story. And the first truly feel good moment of the season.

 

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Doug:
On the othah hand, it's really no surprise that MacDonald had no problem adjusting and finding his comfort zone, since the 2010 Sox are essentially a AAA-level club.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, watching a game is like walking through a farm field of cow dung.

 

---

Doug:
Except without the magic mushrooms.

 

---

Al:
I dunno. Watching 5 stolen bases allowed in one inning is sorta trippy.

 

---

Doug:
And if the Red Sox find themselves 10 games back on May 1st and chasing the Yankees and Rays, I'm going to take Leary's advice and "drop out."

 

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Bent in the undergrowth

Marty:
Hey, Bill, there's getting swept and there's getting motherfucking Dysoned.

 

---

Marty:
Sure is some weak chow-duh up there on the village green. Heh-heh.

 

---

Bill:
Mahty shouldn't you be busy laundering some Goldman Sachs money right about now?

 

---

Marty:
Ah, Billy, flattery will get you nowhere.

 

---

Marty:
But you know, Bill, it's never too late to cross over into the light and spend your autumn years within the warm embrace of Yankee pride and dominance.

 

---

Marty:
I mean why fight it? There's no need.

 

---

Marty:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. One led to Loserville one led to Nirvana... I'm just saying, Bill.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, Mahts, tempting offah and all but you're forgetting I've been to Nirvana, drank the wine, perfumed my nut sack, bayed undah the light of a red moon, fist bumped the ghost of Babe Ruth...

 

---

Bill:
And it was good. It was very good.

 

---

Marty:
Yet so fleeting.

 

---

Marty:
Oh, yes, what a great story, one for the ages.

 

---

Marty:
But it must be dawning on you and your ilk now, even the dumb ones, that there's no there there.

 

---

Marty:
Yes, the books have been written about how "smart" the Red Sox have become and the great sea change under the new ownership and gifted GM... but that is all the sad human tendency to find order out of chaos and chance.

 

---

Bill:
2004 and 2007 were chance?

 

---

Marty:
Yes, Bill.

 

---

Marty:
The Red Sox are like Eyjafjallajokull. Every so often, once or twice over 80-100 years, they'll erupt and there will be a great billowing and Red Sox fans will drop to their knees in charming yet puerile astonishment.

 

---

Marty:
Meanwhile, the Yankees, on the other hand, are like one sunny, temperate day after another.

 

---

Marty:
And the forecast calls for victory.

 

---

Marty:
Again.

 

---

These days are ours

Al:
Happy "oh-fer-25 with RISP" Patriots Day.

 

---

Doug:
Do you think they'll give me my money back on my 2010 Red Sox Nation membahship?

 

---

Mike:
Befoah we go totally Charles Stuart on the Tobin ovah heah, it's worth remembahing that last season the Sox stahted off 2 and 6 then ripped off 11 straight wins.

 

---

Al:
Why don't we just rewatch last year then and save everyone the trouble?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, the Red Sox can be like just anothah old TV show in syndication on endless repeat.

 

---

Al:
Sweet. I can't wait for the episode where Papelbon goes watah skiing wearing a leathah jacket.

 

---

Mike:
The '09 club did win 95 games you know?

 

---

Doug:
Yep. And then they went and got themselves laughed out of the first round of the postseason like a bunch of LOLCATS at a cheeseburgah convention.

 

---

Mike:
Looks like we're in for a long summah.

 

---

Al:
When's Truck Day?

 

---

Whalebone ring

Doug:
Mental mistakes, errors, injuries, meteorites...

 

---

Mike:
So fah this season's sausage is woefully short of Sriracha.

 

---

Al:
This Globe headline covahs it — Sox Limp Home.

 

---

Doug:
Back to the friendly confines of Fenway.

 

---

Al:
Friendly except for the "snake in the grass."

 

---

Doug:
Hey, quit your bitchin' now. Haven't you seen how Dice-K is burning it up in his Triple-A rehab?

 

---

Doug:
Our prayers are so fucking answered.

 

---

Mike:
Why do I feel like Basho on the Cormorant boat right about now?

 

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Happy Tax Day

In honor of Tax Day, today's strip is brought to you in the glorious spirit of your hard earned tax dollars well spent and appropriated …

[This space intentionally left blank.]

 

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Gazing long into an abyss

Bill:
Let's see a Sea Dogs game at 10 and the Red Sox at 1...

 

---

Bill:
Work productivity? Fail.

 

---

Mike:
Hey, being paid for being productive is so 2004. Just ask Ortiz.

 

---

Bill:
You know at least there's still a lot of Papi left in Papi. The guy remains a class act with the fans.

 

---

Mike:
I know. Why do you think it breaks our collective hearts so much to see him struggle?

 

---

Mike:
The anti-Ortiz angst is a psychological defense mechanism.

 

---

Mike:
The jeahs covah up the teahs.

 

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Everything counts in large amounts

Al:
Wait a second, I know it's way, way too early to panic but I just have one question...

 

---

Al:
Are we sure it's too early to panic?

 

---

Al:
Because, you know, I feel a little, oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

 

---

Al:
Um... Panicked!

 

---

Mike:
Well, let's see...

 

---

Mike:
A starting rotation with only 3 quality stahts in 7 games and the staff studs with ERAs looking like a state sales tax rate.

 

---

Mike:
A shaky bullpen.

 

---

Mike:
A DH who can't hit.

 

---

Mike:
An oscillating offense.

 

---

Mike:
In a division where the rivals will probably win, oh I dunno, 105 games.

 

---

Mike:
Nope, no reason to panic.

 

---

Mike:
Everything is going according to the Mastah Plan.

 

---

Doug:
I so fucking love the Mastah Plan.

 

---

The 3-2 pitch checked in at The Cask 'n Flagon

Bill:
OK, so I'm drinking the small sample size Kool-Aid and not giving up on Ortiz...

 

---

Bill:
But that doesn't mean I will actually continue to endure his fingahs on the chalkboard at bats.

 

---

Bill:
K K K 2B K 1B BB K K K K

 

---

Mike:
And it's not just the K's but the swinging at two 3-2 pitches that are so fah outside that Gowalla won't let them check in at the strike zone.

 

---

Bill:
Exactly. So from now until this slump is ovah, when Ortiz steps into the box, I will remote the frig out of Fenway.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. Momentarily switch over to an episode of always on some channel somewhere Law and Ordah.

 

---

Mike:
I mean if you've got to watch a guy flail around out of his league, bettah Ice-T than Papi.

 

---

Have you noticed?

Doug:
Dudes, I'm not kidding, this is bordering on a friggin' crisis.

 

---

Al:
I thought we weren't going to freak about Ortiz after only 4 games.

 

---

Doug:
This is biggah than Papi.

 

---

Mike:
Wait, is this going to be another one of your spittle raining tirades about the supposed coming VAT? If so, I need to excuse myself as I think I feel a bowel movement coming on just now.

 

---

Doug:
Worse than the VAT even...

 

---

Doug:
I'm talking about how collective femininity is disappearing before our eyes.

 

---

Doug:
I'm talking about the ManJaw!

 

---

Doug:
Armies of bony, chiseled, jutting mandibles of maxillofacial transsexuality!

 

---

Al:
Um... well, alrighty, then....

 

---

Doug:
All I'm sayin' is take a look around with your mind open and aware. You'll see the horrah, guy, you'll see.

 

---

Outta sorts

Doug:
Well, at least the Lackey lemonade tasted good.

 

---

Mike:
6 shutout innings against the Yankees featuring some wicked slurvies.

 

---

Mike:
And he worked quickly. All around impressive, especially considering that there are some potential disruptive "personal mattahs" he's dealing with.

 

---

Doug:
But otherwise, you know, I feel pretty meh.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, it ain't right that's for sure.

 

---

Doug:
I feel the way Katie Holmes' titties look in this pic. All awkward and bunched up and shit.

 

---

Doug:
I mean, no biggie right, all casual, no makeup, wearing whatevah, taking a stroll... it's the celeb equivalent to being just 3 games into the season, relax...

 

---

Doug:
But still those titties are all messed up and it just ain't right.

 

---

Mike:
Those aren't really her nipples are they? Can't be...

 

---

Doug:
Nope. And the Sox are not really 6 of 27 with men in scoring position during this series.

 

---

Pardon me the word

Bill:
Well, there goes the perfect season.

 

---

Doug:
Glad we got that great pitching and great defense thing all worked out though. That's some majorly important shit and all.

 

---

Bill:
So if you look up the definition to "flied out weakly" in an online dic, do they provide you with video of the 2010 David Ortiz?

 

---

Doug:
Seriously, he hasn't been hitting the ball with much so-called "authority" during this 2-game, 0 fer 7 run has he?

 

---

Bill:
To be fair, opening the season against C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett isn't exactly a Sunday ride on a Swan Boat.

 

---

Doug:
So a loss to the Yankees and no Sandra Bollock Nazi sex tape. Sigh.

 

---

Bill:
I love how jaded we've become. Celebrity sex tape? Yawn. Celebrity *Nazi* sex tape? Oh, I can has?

 

---

Doug:
What I really want to surface is the Sandra Bollock and Pedro Martinez sex tape.

 

---

Bill:
Featuring the late Nelson de la Rosa.

 

---

Doug:
Working title: "Speed Threesome – Thirst of the Bambino."

 

---

Locked up

Mike:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, what could be one of the all-time great stahting rotations in baseball history is signed and locked through 2014!

 

---

Susan/Circle:
"With more kids coming in the pipeline."

 

---

Mike:
And the result, as Josh Beckett put it so well is "an organization that’s going to put a competitive team out there every year. That can’t be underestimated."

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Do the youth of today realize how lucky they are to be coming of age in this epoch?

 

---

Mike:
I think it's time for a new batch of nursery ryhmes to staht spreading the news cribside...

 

---

Mike:
Lester, Lackey, Beckett, and Buch / Opponents say, 'What the fuck?' / A three game series or four, / This rotation's fucking hardcore / Lester, Lackey, Beckett, and Buch

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Lester, Lackey, Beckett, and Buch / Can you believe our lucky luck? / Pencil in Matzusaka at five / Oops, did I just ruin your high? / Lester, Lackey, Beckett, and Buch

 

---

It's opened

Doug:
Now that was a Resurrection.

 

---

Mike:
Holy Zombie Jesus it was.

 

---

Al:
Which risen moment did you like best? The come from behinds? Paps getting back on his horse aftah the 2009 buck off? Neil Diamond? Pedro?!

 

---

Doug:
All of the above with a special warm and fuzzy ovah Pedro's surprise emergence for the ceremonial pitch.

 

---

Mike:
I tell you what, though. If you evah needed more proof that A-Rod is a certifiable, 5-tool Asswipe, please considah A-Rod's chump move in intercepting Petey during his hero's procession from the Wall to the mound.

 

---

Doug:
Seriously. It's not about you, BlueLips, step the fuck aside.

 

---

Al:
And meanwhile, as good as the win felt, I now have to deal with the mental hangovah and temporary IQ loss that inevitably comes from 4 hours of Jon Miller and Joe Morgan.

 

---

Mike:
I find it helpful to just focus on the glory that is Dustin Pedroia.

 

---

Under the influence

Bill:
"I probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some [amphetamines], took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette, and got up to the plate and hit."

 

---

Bill:
Substitute ballpahk with sixth period English and I think Bernie Carbo just described my senior year of high school.

 

---

Bill:
Ah, the 70s...

 

---

Mike:
So did you find Jesus?

 

---

Bill:
Hell yeah I did.

 

---

Bill:
He's working the taco caht ovah in downtown crossing...

 

---

Bill:
Try the carne asada. It's heavenly.

 

---

Mike:
I wish they had lengua.

 

---

Bill:
Hey, if a lengua taco could talk, what would it say?

 

---

Bill:
"Eat me!"

 

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