Crapshoots

Mike:
Theo speaks. And the Nation listens.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Theo's "proud."

 

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Doug:
And by proud he of course means "move along people there is nothing to see here such as the Yankees being on pace to have the greatest numbah of regulah season wins evah because they ponied up for a Teixeira and we didn't."

 

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Mike:
C'mon, it's like Theo says, the whole thing is a crapshoot. You just want to make sure you have the right process in place and then trust the process.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I guess.

 

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Mike:
Besides I doubt even the Yankees knew beforehand that Teixeira would be the missing link.

 

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Doug:
Wait, Teixeira is the missing link? I thought Johnny Scopes Monkey Trial Damon was the missing link?

 

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Mike:
A cave man, a fruit bat, Joba the Hut, Godzilla...

 

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Mike:
It's a regulah fucking Galapagos down there.

 

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Comments

[Harwich Rich]

It's so easy a cave man could do it ;D

[Harwich Rich]

Teixeira=Lancelot Link??

[Rob in CT]

Harwich - you beat me to it. I was trying to work in renaming Yankee Stadium "Geico Stadium", but couldn't make it work.

Harwich Rich - King of the One-Liners.

[Bob]

Cofee. Nose. You know the routine.

But shite, that last panel was a great pay-off.

[Kaz]

I just had my Yankees fan ex-boss, now consultant, remind me yet another morning how the Red Sox "backed in" to the playoffs after being stood up by my friends for the game last night in the 11th hour and having to witness that abortion of a game last night.

I snapped about how the Yankees have won, what, an extra 10-11 games out of 162 (the difference between an A- and an A+...wow)? And how the Red Sox didn't need Texas to lose one to get in, they had to win 91 to get in.

Well, after a few back-and-forths on the topic, he says to me that there's no reason to get angry about it. It's just a game and doesn't mean anything. So, I retort that fine, if it's meaningless, then he should drop it.

He stalks out of my office telling me that I need to "check" my attitude.

Wow. If I knew that that was all I had to do to get him to leave my office before, I'd have done it sooner.

[vancouversoxfan]

h.b., that final panel was a beaut!

[Kaz]

As far as attending last night's crapfest at Fenway goes, well, I determined something interesting about my game-watching experiences at Fenway.

That was not the worst game I have ever seen at Fenway.

That's a good thing, because if it was, I might have lit the stadium on fire until management met my demands of a pitching duel against Dusty "Doo-Doo" Brown just to see if I could throw a better fastball (I actually think *Wakefield* threw faster fastballs last night).

But to the point, ever since I have witnessed 2004 ALCS Game 3 from the second-to-last row in Fenway (so far back that when you look up, you see the *BACK* of the jumbotron...and you have a better view of the House of Blues than home plate), I doubt there will ever be a game that could ever be worse. I would have to attend an ALCS Game 7 defeat at the hands of the Yankees where A-Rod hits 2 grand slams in the first inning and then pops Kevin Youkilis' skull with his cleats like a grape as an encore before it could ever be worse than that Game 3 in 2004 that I got to witness first hand as my first Red Sox postseason game ever.

So, last night was ugly and I'm sure Halladay had some really deep-seated agressions to work out for not having been traded to a playoff-bound team...but it will never top my worst game at Fenway ever. So, I guess I have that going for me.

[Go Sox. Go Heels. Yankees Suck. Dook Sucks.]

Typical passive-aggressive Yankee fan bitch move. At least Sox fans are assholes up front. And no, it's not just a game. Midget tossing is just a game. Beer pong is just a game.

So, was there a game last night?

[Bob]

Kaz, that ass is a consultant?

Maybe instead of telling you to check your attitude, you should tell him to check his title.

"Consultant" is the equal of A-Fraud in the post-season.

[Bob]

At Pete's/Durty7 Nelly's last night, it got to the point that everybody had to take a shot whenever Toronto scored.

Is it Thursday or Friday?

[Rob in CT]

Bob - speaking as a professional consultant myself, I take great umbrage at being compared to "October A-Fraud". I may be playing out of position like Dusty Brown did, and to comparable results, but that was just hurtful. (Yeah, yeah, I know: Those who can't do, teach; those who can't teach, teach gym; those who can't teach gym become consultants...)

Oh, btw, lately Kaz = "lc-Lite". You getting enough sleep Big Fella? All work and no play makes Kaz surly, but lovable.

[da kine]

I FAHQING HATE THE STANKEES!!!!1!!1Eleven!AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!1!FAHQ YOU TEXEIRADICK!!!1!!

So, how's the weather in Boston? Smell like leaves yet? I am re-reading Frank Herbert's Dune and quite enjoying it, and his description of the scent of the spice on Arrakis reminded me of home.

[da kine]

YOU FAT FUCKING TOOLBAG SABITCHIA, I WANNA SHOVE A DONUT DOWN YOUR STUPID FACE AND SEE IF YOU'D EVEN NOTICE WITH YOUR 82 CHINS!!11!

Oh, and I was just drinking a nice beer we have in Morocco called "Casablanca Lager". Made in Tangiers, it is, and quite refreshing. A sorta Sam Adams of North Africa.

[Bob]

Rob, I was speaking of Skankee fan consultants. All others are fine with me.

I just hate the Skanks and Skankee fan consultants.

Oh, and Skankee fan waitresses, car dealers, writers, bartenders, and bricklayers.

The whores, I can take.

[h.b.]

Bob,

You know the problem with Yankee whores, right?

Clap.Clap. ClapClapClap.

[da kine]

You should have saved that for a future strip, h.b.

[vasoxfan]

Alright h.b.!! Had I had coffee... well you know

[NolaSox]

Kaz, that was my first Red Sox post season game, too. It is also my only post season game. Cashed in frequent flyer miles to get there. At least my seat was better than yours as I got a great view of Manny's head.

And since he used the trite "check your attitude" line it sounds like he was a gym teacher before becoming a consultant.

[h.b.]

Good point, da kine, but that does give me another idea of how I might reuse it one day... Stay tuned.

[Bob]

Sweet Clameida, good times never burned so good,

So good, so good, so goo---oh jeez I've got pus down there.

[Rob in CT]

Coffee. Nasal passages. **Stinging, watery eyes** Out of napkins.

Good one, h.b. I'm with da kine, I fully expect to find that in a future strip feature our two favorite ho's, Mystique and Aura.

[Bob]

And yes, I misspelled it. But that's a normal discharge for me.

[Rob in CT]

When are Hall and Oates going to make a guest appearance? I miss them.

[Devine]

So, was there a game last night?

A1: No, but you knew that when they posted the lineup facing Halladay, right?

A2: Yes, a spring training game.

[Bob]

I miss Lisa.

I mean, Abby's fine and all, but ohh, Lisa...

[h.b.]

Lisa's been AWOL. And not much Circle/Susan either.

I blame the latter on the "3 guys and a cooler" clip art, as there are so many times when the strip works best if I have the threesome rather than the twosome to work (which can often be the case in life).

[Bob]

And don't tell me Lisa's not real, H.B..

All it takes is an inflatable, a bicycle pump and a dream.

(Then some Dawn and a sponge.)

[Rob in CT]

Lisa... Circle... Threesomes work best...

Yep. Dawn and a sponge. Although a squeegee works well, too. Esp. with rubberized sheets.

[Bob]

I find that a squeegee leaves blisters. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[yazbread]

Abbey - I think you should serenade Bob with the Jessi Colter lyrics for the next fifty years:

I'm not Lisa, my name is Abbey, Lisa left you years ago

Other than that, I think the Sox hold the distinction of being the first team to give up on the season with the playoffs still looming ahead.

[Jeff in NC]

The Red Sox suck, I
love the Red Sox

(guitar fill with a 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix)

Playoffs sweet playoffs
The team couldn't care less
Manic Depression is a frustrating mess.

[Go Sox. Go Heels. Yankees Suck. Dook Sucks.]

These guys are pros. They don't need to go charging into the playoffs. They need to rest, and spend some time with the wife/girlfriend, get some nookie and some home cooking, relax, and then do the charging when they're in the playoffs.

[Max]

Not missing John Smoltz: http://deadspin.com/5371996/un+rubbed-balls-create-sticky-situation-for-cardinals

[yazbread]

John Smoltz thinks the reason he got roughed up last night is because his balls were not properly rubbed down. Yet, opposing pitcher Bronson Arroyo threw just fine. Is it because he was rubbing something special on his own balls?

I won't even respond to this.

[Steve in MD]

Eck recently relayed that he would instruct the bat boy to always give the lighter (i.e., less well rubbed) balls to the visitors and the darker (more well rubbed) balls to him. So there might be something to Fucking Smoltz's claim (yes, he still has the nickname in my book).

[Bob]

Bronson's balls can run rings around Smoltz's (old but relevant reference).

[Kaz]

SATURN!

[pseudosanity78]

Sounds like those balls got a bollocking. You know what term isn't used enough these days? Pinch a loaf. Work that into conversation today and watch the other person try not to laugh. Sorry bout that- Last night's game just has be giddy with the ridiculous.