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Bill:
So do you think Byrd is feeling 8 Miles High right about now?
Mike:
And people who don't follow baseball wondah why we love the game so much?
Bill:
It is the stories like Byrd's that on any given day make me want to wedge my trans-fatted 2009 ass into the built for butts that have known potato-famine seats of Fenway ovah any othah seat in any othah venue dishing any othah entertainment offering.
Mike:
Absolutely. Even a bad baseball game has more drama and surprise than 99% of what's showing at the local cineplex.
Bill:
But no rolling buildings, no flaming meteor crashes, no cataclysmic tidal waves …
Mike:
And no brooding and mopey comic book charactahs. Well, except for A-Rod.
Bill:
Yeah, what are you gonna do? When life hands you lemons, time to make lemonade and all that.
Doug:
Or as I prefer to put it — When life bends you ovah and says "It's ream time!" you say, "No. It's not ream time,
it's R2-D2 time, bitches!"
Bill:
That's right. Fight the good fight.
Bill:
Absolutely. Every one of us has a chance to make a difference.
Mike:
Seriously,
Timmmah
and
Walkoffs
and then add in the emergence of Junichi Tazawa and may God smite me for saying it, Billy Wagner, and well, the glacier knocks in the cupboard, the desert sighs in the bed.
Doug:
I'm sorry, I thought you said Brad Ain't-worth-the Moneypenny.
Al:
C'mon. Dude was nevah expected to be the second coming of Pedro Martinez.
Al:
But he came in, filled a need, kept his mouth shut and now is going out with totaly class. How often do you see that around these pahts?
Mike:
Can I get a reverse gooch ovah heah?
Mike:
And the
IRA
peoples.
Bill:
Now he's with his God.
Mike:
Somebody ring up St. Petah and tell 'em they're going to need some more Jameson's.
Al:
What exactly is Theo's obsession with wanting to sign coming-off-injury National League pitchers on the wrong side of their career arc?
Al:
Float, mothahfuckahs, float!
Bill:
I can't seem to summon any emotion —
Bill:
Yet while I'm not apoplectic with "it's ovah!" rage neithah am feeling any sense of optimism.
Bill:
I'm emotionally flat-lined.
Mike:
Well, what do you expect, guy?. Aftah the back-back cognitive assaults of Tim McCarvah and Joe Morgan in the broadcast booth, you've easily lost 25% of your brain powah, probably more.
Bill:
Seriously. I'm just happy to sharpen my Crayolas and have somebody wipe the drool from my chin.
Mike:
Get you in a gold chain and too much Axe cologne and "Voila!" instant Yankees fan.
Marty (Yankees fan):
Hurry! Somebody call "waa!-1-1" for a wambulance!
Al:
Wow, the offense has
awoken!
Doug:
Gotta like what we're seeing in general.
Mike:
Seriously. The Sox had three majah issues that were behind the skid. 1) Lack of a numbah 3 guy. 2) Weak defense on the left side. 3) No depth to spare the veterans.
Mike:
So Buchholz steps up and they bring in Kotchman, Martinez and
Gonzalez
and all of a sudden the bleeding has been controlled.
Doug:
I haven't felt this tingly good since I had a wide-mouthed snook at the end of my rod.
Doug:
No, a back alley at Hampton Beach.
Mike:
And by Hampton, Doug really means to say
Ogunquit.
Mike:
Gotta hand it to Murray, he does know how to dish some Red Sox hate. Using all those nursery rhymes is pretty funny.
Doug:
Yeah, well, here's one right back at him:
Hickory dickory dock, / Chass lubed his half inch cock, / He got it to one, / But 'Whoops!' Murray was done / Emasculatory, Dinky Cock!
Susan/Circle:
The Buch
and V-Maht seem to be turning into a coppah top battery.
Susan/Circle:
Youks is back, Timmah will be soon …
Mike:
2 straight ovah the Jays …
Susan/Circle:
So is the glass half full?
Mike:
Are the
times tidy? Do the cows milk cream an inch thick?
Susan/Circle:
Or is this a comeback of the Britney Spears on Lettahman in a bikini sort of "comeback"?
Doug:
Yeah, but of course, with the implosion of the 4-run lead and the nail bitah 9th, I'm guessing you won't need to worry about the expiration date on your package of screed.
Doug:
Yeah. The gene for premature male pattern baldness has been selected for anothah generation. They should have named the kid Darwin instead of Dylan.
Doug:
I bet he didn't attend birthing class eithah. What a prick.
Bill:
Seriously, I'm so glad we've evolved and otherwise been brow beaten by modern culture to become such sensitive and caring men.
Doug:
Absolutely. I mean guys like Williams would be off fucking around flying fightah jets in a war and shit instead of being there to say, "Honey, push, honey, push!"
Bill:
What a degenerate sorry ass generation of men.
Bill:
No game means no words. No problem.
Mike:
Are you kidding me, guy? You didn't hear the breaking news?
Bill:
Ah, yes, anothah crucial cog in the well-oiled machinery of the vaunted Red Sox fahm system.
Mike:
Who needs a Texeira when you can develop within. Insert the sound of maniacal laughtah that I'm too beat to manifest.
Bill:
It's hot. It's humid. I'm trying to decide which is droopiah — The Red Sox or my poor sweaty nut sack.
Mike:
I bathe once a day, am frightened by cats and shadows, sleep hahdly at all.
Bill:
Summah will follow summah, the air will be lake cleah, and the meaning too.
Mike:
Have you evah seen a team hit more homeruns with nobody on?
Mike:
You know I
still
think they make the postseason but …
Doug:
But it's what happens once they get to the postseason that scares the piss out of you?
Al:
This is getting desperate.
Susan/Circle:
But if we keep pitching well enough to win only to lose then the patient is going to get exsanguinated.
Mike:
Seriously. It's going to be "We had to lose the wildcahd in ordah to win the wildcahd."
Doug:
Oh, is that what that is? I thought it was the chimichanga I had for lunch.
Mike:
You know if you take Beckett and Lestah and, ah, ... hmmm, Beckett and Lestah and some other fucking guy and this team is playoff ready.
Doug:
But here's what I don't get. Theo is willing to take a chance with Smoltz and Penny but with Pedro, one of the greatest pitchers in Red Sox history, he's all, "Meh, not interested"?
Mike:
Maybe the Sox were weary of Pedro's historical recalcitrance?
Bill:
Look, I've got August burnout. Big time. Know what I mean?
Bill:
Yeah, swell, and today I'll have lunch. Big friggin 5 and a half back whoop.
Bill:
Well will you lookee there — The Red Sox are capable of winning a game still.
Bill:
I mean dude really is the protein and starch that feeds the rotation.
Mike:
Seriously. If Wakefield had been in the rotation the bullpen remains rested. If the bullpen is rested then it's not a stretch to imagine the Sox win both games at Tampa and get 2 of 4 in New York.
Mike:
One Nation, undah Cod …
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Ah,
fuck.
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yep.
Marty gets Bill's voicemail…
Unknown Yankees fan:
Oh, are we still sleeping it off, Billy Boy?
Marty:
Me, I'm fresh as a fucking Daisy. Yeah, Bill, I'm feeling stronger than David Ortiz on juice right now.
Marty:
So I heard you've been singing little dirges to yourself about the sinking of the good ship Lolli-Sox? Heh.
Marty:
Well, it's your lucky day Callaghan as I've got a new song for you and it goes something like
this
…
Marty:
[Sings] "I've been through Fenway in a hearse with no name, it feels great to see all the pain."
Marty:
"In the Back Bay, Sox fans can't remember their names, cause
their owner's too cheap
to bring in a big name."
Marty:
"La, la, la-la-la la. La-la-la, la, la. "
Marty:
You rest up now, Callaghan, only a few more hours until your next bloodletting.
Bill (thinking to himself):
The legend lives on from ol' Mattapan on down of the mistake Theo made with John
Smoltzy.
Bill:
One mistake it is said, isn't too much to dread, unless compounded by Lugo and Penny.
Bill:
With thoughts of a ring more, this team we came to adore, but the tales of October were a bit early.
Bill:
The farm was the pride of the American side, Baseball Prospectus had told us. As salaries go, the roster was richer than most, and built for a 98 win season.
Bill:
At the All Star turn, the lead was most firm, and they hit the road believing. But later that trip after a 5 straight dip, crept in the worst sort of feeling.
Bill:
A couple blown saves and too many grounded into double plays, the
CHB
thought of Bambino.
Bill:
We learned Papi was on dope, but V-Mart gave us hope, entering the heart of the schedule.
Bill:
4 in a row and only a 1/2 game low, they went into Tampa with high spirits. But there at the Trop site of previous flops, this trend sadly continued.
Bill:
So swept by the Rays, Francona had little to say, Longoria was never seen so happy.
Bill:
Do or die time, was then the new line, from fans still very much behind them.
Bill:
But each passing day, the lead slipped further away, until even the wild card passed by them.
Bill:
Does anyone know where the love of God goes, when innings turn the minutes to hours?
Bill:
The Yankees and Rays at the end of the day, had
the best plans
to make runs for October.
Bill:
After 162 there was little to do, and Fenway stood sad, silent and empty.
Bill:
Later critics would say, they'd been a lock for postseason play, if the deal for King Felix had happened.
Bill:
The legend lives on from
Piscataqua
on down, of a season that ended too early.
Doug:
The Rays are now just 3 behind the Sox in the wild cahd.
Al:
You know what that means — All ovah Tampa the salon phones are ringing off the hook with calls for
Rayhawk bikini wax redux.
Doug:
I've got your "shake weight" right heah.
Al:
Just 6 minutes a day.
Doug:
More like 30 seconds of shake for you, Al.
Al:
That's right. Al is evolved for speed and not comfort.
Doug:
So the preferred option is not only to wash Longoria's balls but also to give him a crotch squirt of cologne
as he walks off?
Bill:
Yeah, well, I'm trying to take the philosophical highroad.
Bill:
Well there is that …
Doug:
C'mon, guy, last night was one of the those ball bustahs that we may look back on at the end as where the wheels came off the clunkah before we got the cash.
Bill:
Yeah, but, even in the still very unlikely case that these guys are playing out the string of irrelevancy as the season winds down …
Bill:
Don't forget our othah option — Watching a healthy Tom Brady go absolutely Visogoth on the rest of the NFL.
Al:
2 at the Tropa-Mall-a then 4 in the House that Taxpayahs Built.
Mike:
And a combined 18 games with those same 2 between now and the end of Septembah.
Doug:
Time to grease up your favorite "adversity" cliche and prepare it for conversation insertion.
Mike:
You said it, guy — This is where the Sriracha meets the sausage.
Al:
This is when the deposit is due to reserve your bitch's rented sunset.
Doug:
These are the times that spry men's no-no holes.
Bill:
What's our vectah, Victah?
Mike:
"In his second game
with the team and first as a catcher, Martinez went 5 for 6 with a double and four RBIs, exactly the performance the Sox hoped for when they dropped him in the middle of their lineup."
Bill:
Oh, Theo, you've done it again!
Mike:
Well, small sample size and all that but …
Mike:
Immediate impact? Check.
Mike:
Dynamic deflection of the news cycle away from the "Roid Sox"? Check.
Bill:
Wait, you mean we're not going to spend the entiah next few days in a metaphorical Turkish prison ovah the supposed taint?
Mike:
Nah, let's leave the Turkish prison melodramatics
to the CHB.
Bill:
Ah, a most fitting end.
