... And the livin' is easy...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
As I mentioned yesterday, I've managed to create another long, summer weekend, so taking the day off today in order to make my way to a secluded, bucolic (soxabucolix?) retreat.

See you back here on Monday, and go easy on the Sriracha.

 

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It's the humidity

Doug:
OK. I've just got to say it — this fucking team bores me.

 

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Mike:
It's reached the miserable point where even when they win a game it's not so much that they had any say in the mattah but rathah a case of the opponent just not winning that particulah day.

 

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Al:
Sitting through 9 innings is a form "enhanced interrogation."

 

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Mike:
Seriously. The Dice-K syndrome has metastasized — Watching the whole thing is now like watching grass grow with paint drying on it.

 

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Doug:
No worse. Watching these guys is like watching a tree sloth watching grass grow with paint drying on it.

 

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Al:
Fuck that. Watching these guys is like watching a rerun of watching a tree sloth watching grass grow with paint drying on it.

 

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Al:
In high def.

 

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Doug:
There's not gonna be any trade before the deadline is there?

 

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Al:
No. There's not going to be any trade, there's not going to be any health care reform, there's not going to be any eco-fucking-nomic recovery.

 

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Al:
We've been deceived.

 

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Doug:
Time to grease up your no-no holes fellas. Cuz we're getting screwed.

 

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Mike:
Undah a rented sunset.

 

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Right Guard will not help you here

Doug:
So I go into the Sox game last night expecting that any minute they'll announce the Halladay deal, but, no, I go all 11 innings with nothing then toss and turn all night absorbing the meltdown loss and still imagining Halladay in red stockings …

 

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Doug:
Only to wake up this morning to discovah there nevah really was an offah in the first place.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, this has been a real Halladay in Cambodia.

 

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Mike:
It's tough kid, but it's life.

 

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Doug:
Somebody needs to tell that to Matsuzaka.

 

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Mike:
Ah, yes, Dude-san with the magically superiah Japanese shouldah. Heh.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, you just wait until the next WBC. Then we'll see who's laughing and who's crying.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Nobody tells the WBC MVP how to train.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. When Dice-K was with the Seibu Lions his pitch count went to infinity. Twice.

 

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Mike:
That's right. Rent a rising sun, bitches.

 

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Even on a steamy seat...

Bill:
Well, lookee here … Looks like LaRoche is getting some early momentum in the popular vote.

 

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Doug:
A two-run homah in his first game and two singles in his second, then doubles in his first two at-bats last night against the A’s …

 

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Bill:
Not bad at all.

 

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Bill:
But let's not kid ourselves. This club is still in need of a big bat.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. We have not seen the last of the green fumes of the beastly butt hole odah that this offense can stink up the place with.

 

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Bill:
Pungent pits? Foul feet? How do you stop the stink?

 

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Doug:
That's right. We need a mega-dose of Aspray.

 

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Bill:
Let's literally prevent odahs befoah they staht.

 

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Doug:
Hmmm A-Spray and A-Gonz…

Eerie coincidence? Oh, I think not.

 

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Bill:
But you bettah hurry, Theo, an offah this good won't last.

 

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I'll take "Words ending in 'Z'" for a thousand.

Al:
Well, the weekend got off to a great staht with taking 2 from the O's and the pageantry of Jime Rice's induction in Cooperstown.

 

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Doug:
I like the way Bob Ryan put it, "This was as happy a Jim Rice as we’ve ever encountered."

 

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Mike:
Yep. But then, unfortunately, we had to pitch Smoltz bringah of Weltschmerz.

 

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Al:
Not to kibitz, but Smoltz is definitely on the fritz.

 

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Mike:
Can we get an ersatz for Smoltz?

 

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Doug:
Ah, Christ, seems like only yestahday that we had the schmalz for Smoltz.

 

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Mike:
If only it were just Smoltz. I mean look at our rotation.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, any day now I expect to see a picture of every stahtah not named Beckett and Lestah on the friggin' Fail Blog.

 

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Al:
Beckett and Lestah and pray for a Northeastah.

 

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A public service announcement (with hot dogs)

Doug:
Jeez, Arturo, first it was the tofu dogs now you're offering gluten-free?

 

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Doug:
You're caht is morphing into Whole Foods before my eyes.

 

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Doug:
How long befoah you show up in Birkenstocks and a hemp apron?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Hey, gotta, keep up with the times, Mr. Roy. Celiac disease cases are on the rise.

 

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Doug:
Celiac? What is that some sort of STD or something.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
I hate to break it to you, Mr. Roy, but the world doesn't revolve around your genitalia.

 

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Doug:
Hey, slow down, Copernicus, you're dissin my dogma ovah heah.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Celiac is an autoimmune disorder of the small intestine and is caused by a reaction to gliadin, a gluten protein ₀

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
And people afflicted by celiac have chronic diarrhoea, failure to thrive, and fatigue.

 

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Doug:
Failure to thrive? Fatigue? Arturo, You do realize you just described the Red Sox offense, right?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Somebody call, Shaughnessy. It's the Curse of the Gliadino!

 

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Blockbuster Deals

Doug:
You know I loves me some irony as much as the next guy...

 

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Doug:
But seriously the same day we drop our 5th straight game, acquire Lyndon LaRouche, trade albeit worthless Lugo for worthless Sandy "Oh, hai! I hit with one eye" Duncan is the same day an "injured" Manny Ramirez comes in to pinch hit and lines the first ball he sees into the leftfield stands for a grand slam? Really?

 

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Mike:
Hey, you know, it's a marathon not a sprint.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, tell that to Lance Armstrong.

 

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Welcome to the Wild Card race

Doug:
Jeez, you know you're in a slump when even with Josh Beckett on the mound you manage to lose.

 

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Bill:
And now Wakefield's on the DL. What a pissah.

 

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Doug:
At least Buchholz is happy.

 

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Bill:
Guess we'll see if the kid's head is really screwed back on straight now for reals. The "stoppah" role is now his for the taking.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, otherwise, as Pinto puts it, we "may actually be stuck with both Penny and Smoltz until Matsuzaka comes back."

 

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Bill:
Pinto's being sarcastic about Matsuzaka, right? I mean is anyone looking forward to his return?

 

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Doug:
Seriously. It's like thinking, "Yeah, I may be stuck with a migraine and erectile dysfunction until the IRS audits my taxes, but then I'm sure everything's going to be all fine and shit."

 

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Working on his knight moves

Al:
Ah, hello Red Sox, loosing 3 straight and being tied with the Yankees is not where I want to be 4 games aftah the break.

 

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Mike:
Last night the bats were awful and the pitching even worse.

 

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Doug:
Is it time acknowledge that the Smoltz experiment is a failure?

 

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Mike:
Seriously, Theo's plan to resurrect Smoltz is looking evah more like NBC's plan to resurrect Knight Ridah.

 

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Al:
But at least Knight Ridah had Deanna Russo.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, not all of Theo's ideas are going to work out. For every Schilling, Beckett, and Lowell, there's going to be a couple of "New Cokes" like the closer by committee and Bartolo Colon.

 

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Al:
And Julio Lugo.

 

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Doug:
And Renteria.

 

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Mike:
Renteria isn't Theo's New Coke or Crytal Pepsi, no, that's his Sarah Palin.

 

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Doug:
Ouch.

 

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Mr. Jaws

Marty:
[Making the Jaws sound] Da-Dum...Da-Dum...Da-Dum-Da-Dum-Da-Dum...

 

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Bill:
Jesus, Mahty I don't know how it's possible but you've managed to become a caricature of a caricature of yourself.

 

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Marty:
There's Red Sux blood in the water, Billy Boy, and the Pinstriped shark is circling ... Da-Dum...Da-Dum...Da-Dum...Da-Dum...

 

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Bill:
You know, Mahts, it's fitting that you'd go with a Jaws movie theme here — I mean the 70s look/feel, the creaky, mechanical dated special effects — that all does scream "Yankees."

 

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Bill:
Except now instead of a 70's summah blockbustah, your shahks are more of the made for obscure cable channel shlock variety and not especially scary.

 

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Marty:
Ok, Callaghan, here's one for ya — "KNOCK KNOCK."

 

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Bill:
Oh, you've got to be kidding me, now you're dredging up 70s SNL skits?

 

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Marty:
No, this is different... "KNOCK KNOCK."

 

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Bill:
Alright I'll amuse you, "Who's there?"

 

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Marty:
"Red Sox leadoff hitter.

 

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Bill:
[Sigh] Red Sox leadoff hittah who?

 

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Marty:
Exactly!

 

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Marty:
Bwahahaha.

 

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All bang, no whimpah

Al:
All it takes is a couple of days of All Stah Break to remind me how empty and meaningless life is without baseball.

 

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Mike:
We are the hollow men / We are the stuffed men / Leaning together / Headpiece filled with straw.

 

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Doug:
Did you say something because all I heard was a whispah as wind in dry grass or rats'feet ovah broken glass.

 

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Al:
Yeah, well, if we're the Hollow Men then what is Julio Lugo these days, Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead?

 

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Mike:
Nah, I'm thinking Lugo is J. Alfred Prufrock. You know…

In the room the women come and go / Talking of Julio Lugo.

 

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Doug:
Talking of *trading* Julio Lugo you mean.

 

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Mike:
Heh. Seriously.

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. / I do not think that they will sing to he.

 

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Doug:
He is no Prince Hamlet, that's for sure.

 

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Al:
So who's ready for some Buchholz?

 

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Mike:
Yep. Time to see if his beginning was his end.

 

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Visionary Experience

Al:
Well, here we are standing on the precipice of the second-half and the view looks pretty friggin awesome.

 

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Doug:
First place by 3, best record in the American League …

 

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Al:
The best paht is despite the first-half success, I don't think I'm alone in feeling the 2009 Red Sox haven't even begun to hit their stride.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. These guys are like Icarus on a rocky outcrop on Crete ready to make a break for it, except their wings aren't held together by wax but some some space age polymer that bonds at the molecular level.

 

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Doug:
Theo is the bond.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. I mean think about it. 54 and 34 headed into the 2nd half with a whole lotta room for improvement.

 

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Al:
And don't forget the experience factah. Even though there are lots of new faces on the rostah, the Red Sox gestalt remains one of a team expecting to go deep into Octabah.

 

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Mike:
It's like Huxley said, "Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah it is.

 

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All Star Break (Unplanned) - updated 7/15

h.b.:
Hart here on Life's Rich Trolley... Didn't plan to take today off but some unplanned stuff dropped in my lap this morning.

 

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h.b.:
Update: Extending the unplanned break into today, Weds 7/15, but this time it's not due to anything unplanned but rather pure apathy. I didn't watch the All Star Game. As I've confessed before, when it comes to baseball outside the Red Sox sphere of influence, I'm a real pink hat.

 

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First half belongs to Beckett

Mike:
Congratulations to Josh Beckett on win numbah 100.

 

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Steve:
And he pitched one helluva game to get it too — 3 hits, 7K's, and no walks in the *complete* game gem.

 

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Mike:
Othah than getting roughed-up by the Yankees on consecutive stahts back in April, Beckett has been on a real streak.

 

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Steve:
Dude's won 9 of his last 10.

 

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Mike:
The thing is, too, he hasn't just won those games, he's pwned the opposition.

 

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Steve:
Are you kidding me? Beckett is so hot that Hans Blix called saying he needs to inspect him.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Dude's fastball is so hot and unhittable that they should staht calling it the Megan Fox.

 

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A bit slumpy

Mike:
I'm so friggin' glad to see the Red Sox are taking advantage of the "soft" paht of the schedule.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. By beating up on the Seattles and Kansas Cities of the leagues, they can really open up some mofo distance on the Yankees.

 

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Mike:
WTF? Do these guys just need a break or what?

 

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Doug:
I dunno. All I know it that the Sox are lucky Cap and Trade isn't in force because every time the bullpen pours gasoline on the fiah, it'll be one fuck of a cahbon offset.

 

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Mike:
I'm sure Theo is gaming all the possibilities for tightening things up as we speak.

 

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Doug:
That's what I told my grans, but even aftah '04 and '07 she insists on clinging to the old ways.

 

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Mike:
Old habits die hahd and all that.

 

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Here we are now

Doug:
Ah, Jesus, just when you think it's safe to open the Globe, there's the CHB with one of his "picked up pieces" ink fahts.

 

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Bill:
Gotta love being a sports columnist. I mean is there any othah job in America where you can just randomly turn in a bunch of half-baked ideas and non-sequitahs and expect people to buy it?

 

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Doug:
You mean any job besides being a politician? Heh.

 

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Bill:
Imagine if your doctah pulled a CHB?

 

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Bill:
You go in to his office all crippled up with ailment and the doc's like, "Yo, dude, I'm having one of my 'picked up pieces" days so here's a random assortment of pills the pharma rep left behind... just start popping them and probably one will work. Don't forget to pay your copay on the way out. See ya, suckah."

 

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Doug:
I'm so glad that when Papi picks up pieces he actually makes something out of it. He's in a groove now.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Ovah his last 27 games and 24 starts, he's hitting .301 with a 1.037 on-base plus slugging, 14 walks, 8 dingahs, and 17 RBI.

 

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Doug:
Do you feel a certain chagrin in joining the "El Popup" club before?

 

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Bill:
Nah. We're not here to be right. We're here to be fanatical.

 

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Doug:
We're here. We cheer and sneer. Get used to it.

 

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Have you ever not seen the rain?

Doug:
Anothah day anothah stiff twig up there hunched as wet black rook arranging Arranging and rearranging its feathers in the rain.

 

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Mike:
Yep, the wait's begun again. The long wait for the angel, For that rare, random descent.

 

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Al:
Watah watah everywhere. And all I do is drink. Whiskey.

 

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Doug:
The weathah is ruining my summah!

 

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Mike:
I swear if it wasn't for Josh Beckett I would have already rode away like Elijah on a wheel of cloud.

 

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A fitting tribute

Bill:
You know just when I think my head is going to explode from the nevah ending nevahland of Michael Jackson death-porn …

 

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Mike:
"He's our Princess Di!"

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Just when I think I can't take it anymore comes the sweet, soothing tonic of Nomah's return to Fenway.

 

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Bill:
Now *that* is what I call a propah tribute.

 

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Mike:
That was all class from the fans to the Red Sox highlight reel to Nomah's grace and nobility.

 

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Mike:
And you know what? Nomah is 100% correct when he says he was a paht of the 2004 Championship.

 

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Bill:
Oh absolutely. You cannot, it is simply not possible, to think of Nomah without thinking about what came aftah Nomah.

 

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Mike:
They are simpatico like a coffee and a donut or sausage and peppahs or a bridesmaid in a teal dress.

 

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Bill:
You know it's still, nearly 5 years latah, still hahd to believe that when Nomah was traded in '04 the Sox were 7½ off the lead and headed for anothah "Wait until next year."

 

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Mike:
There but for the grace of Theo go I.

 

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All Summer in a Day

Doug:
Holy shit when the sun finally came out this weekend I felt like those Venusian kids in the Bradbury story seeing the sun for the first time evah.

 

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Mike:
"I think the sun is a flower / That blooms for just one hour."

 

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Doug:
Exactly.

 

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Al:
And if the Red Sox had been swept by Seattle, I would have been like the whacky Earth kid they locked in the closet.

 

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Doug:
While taking just 1 of 3 from the middling Marinahs isn't a best case scenario, still the Sox are in first and the forecast is 77 and sun.

 

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Mike:
And if that isn't enough to vinegah your cockles, then Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls I give you Tim Wakefield, All Stah!

 

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Have a Happy 4th!

I'm hoping most of you are off today for a long weekend, as that is my excuse for extending my vacation a bit. See you on Monday and enjoy the weekend … — H.B.

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Still working through vacation lag

Steve:
How about that — Lugo plays the hero role in the 11th.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's the broken watch is correct twice a day axiom in play.

 

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Steve:
his tenure with the Red Sox just hasn't worked out.>

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, don't look now but the Yankees have won 7 straight.

 

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Steve:
And so it goes — The Yankees are streaky but flawed, I'll eat lunch, and Youks is bettah than Tex.

 

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Blast from the past

Bill:
Hey, Red Sox, June 4th, 1989 just called, they want their choke back. Heh.

 

[Back from the beach but still very much in vacation mode, hence the one panel razzle dazzle - H.B]

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