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Al:
Especially when the win puts the Sox back in first.
Mike:
BTW can someone get me a reverse gooch stat to countah this?
"Shaughnessy thinks the Red Sox are in great shape moving forward, considering the team is stocked with good young pitching and a veteran (John Smoltz) on track to join the club next month as well."
Al:
What is that the new "Curly but Lovable" CHB or something?
Doug:
Somebody bookmahk that for the inevitable CHB shift latah in the season when the CHB will claim he knew all along the team sucked and only Pollyanna homah fans were too stupid to see it.
Mike:
So although we are first you've gotta figure the lead is going to change hands about 50 more times before this is ovah.
Al:
Oh, yeah, the Yankees are going to be right there the whole time.
Doug:
And Tampa Bay is only a few bikini waxes short of getting back into it.
Mike:
Time to kick back and enjoy the grand story arc of a full season.
Doug:
Ok, so I think the expression "And the crowd goes wild!" was somehow
lost in translation
for Dice-K.
Bill:
So much for the friggin "gyroball".
Doug:
Remembah when we were all giddy with our
pennyanny dreams of the gyro
and were envisioning Matsuzaka as Mothra and how the naysayahs were all "He's at best a 3 or 4 guy and not an ace"?
Doug:
Well, say hey to nay.
Doug:
Ah, dude-san's got 8.82 ERA in 16.1 innings. That doesn't buy a whole lotta benefit of the doubt from where I'm standing.
Bill:
But Matsuzaka sure was lights out in the WBC. Woot!
Doug:
Exhibition ace / harvests so many bushels / how unripe the fruit.
Doug:
Seriously, they may as well form their own
K of C
council.
Mike:
Toss in an open bah and free flowing Jamesons and it could get as crazy as my sistah Linder's wedding.
Mike:
Well, minus the blitzed and shirtless Fathah Seamus jumping on the head table and doing a "Somebody to Love" karaoke, of course.
Doug:
Jesus wept but Fr. Seamus did the best Freddy Mercury impersonation evah.
Al:
Absolutely. I mean not only could he hit the high notes, but he had the ovahbite too.
Doug:
Whatevah happened to him anyway aftah he was "disappeared"?
Al:
Taking a 6 ERA into June, Lestah could use some divine intervention that's for sure.
Bill:
Ah, yes, waking up the Tuesday aftah Memorial Day weekend in first place in the AL East.
Bill:
This is surely what Robert Browning had in mind when he wrote, "God's in His Heaven; All's right with the world."
Mike:
Yep, it's a literal heaven on earth …
Mike:
Er, provided of course that you're willing to overlook the 4 Horsemen of Pestilence, Famine, Julio Lugo and the .195 BA Ortiz.
Bill:
Ah, you know, the omnipotent work in mysterious ways.
Mike:
There's no mystery to Lugo. In terms of leaving you barren, little dude makes a swarm of locusts seem trivial.
Mike:
Yeah, well, I'm going agnostic on this one — I'll believe it when I see it. It's just rumor for now.
Doug:
Well, so much for Toronto's stranglehold on the AL East.
Bill:
Then again, we haven't officially moved in first yet. Let's not count the clams 'til they're in the pail.
Doug:
Nevertheless,
a sweep is a sweep
and it's always uplifting to witness how a successful homestand can make coming off a dismal road trip seem amusingly passe.
Bill:
Must be something in the chowdah.
Doug:
Or in the 90+ degree spawned sundresses and pasty legs with fresh razor nicks as some guy put it yestahday.
Doug:
Speaking of New York, I wondah how soon it'll be before we see Adam Lambert sing the National Anthem in the new toilet.
Doug:
Dude had the win in his back pocket but somehow couldn't close the deal, just like the Chokees.
Bill:
Yeah, and the comparison doesn't end there. I mean Lambert was a little too old, a little too soft, and a little to sure of himself — Hell, they should make him an honorary Yankee.
Doug:
Absolutely, and their 7 inning stretch sing along song should be
Mad World
"All around me are familiar faces ... Going nowhere, going nowhere."
Al:
Could somebody hand me a half-full glass of water?
All
this
celebrating
has made me thirsty.
Mike:
Has a lone, regulah season home run evah felt so good?
Doug:
I'd compare Papi's dingah to a summah's day, but the friggin' dingah is lovliah.
Mike:
I don't know what made me happiah — the homah itself or the reaction from the rest of the club.
Doug:
Seriously, it was clear last night that this is a *team* team, if you know what I mean.
Al:
Absolutely. I've drunk so much of the Mango-Salsa Kool-Aid that I believe the consequent homah happy 5th wasn't a result of Cecil throwing beer league junk, but rathah a result of the entiah team getting juiced off of Ortiz.
Doug:
All I know is that today the sky is bit bluah, the Boston girls are even prettiah, and the phallic Pru is evah longah.
Al:
I want to give praise to Timmah but what can I say that hasn't already been said about the guy over the 100 years he's been with the team?
Mike:
I think his line can do the talking: 8.0 5 1 1 2 3 1.
Doug:
Can you believe his Fenway ERA his now 1.71?
Al:
Wakes loves him some home cooking.
Mike:
Damn, I know, it's getting worse not bettah.
Doug:
I think we are rapidly approaching that time when all good things must come to an end.
Mike:
Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down, 'Twas sad as sad could be …*
Doug:
And let's say Theo goes out and gets a replacah. Then what?
Doug:
Hahtlessly release him? Make him a phantom DL? Take a rostah hit as he sits on the bench the rest of the season?
Mike:
Ovahhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air …*
Marty:
Feel something, a leviathan perhaps, closing in behind you, Bill?
Bill:
Well, I did catch the aroma of hair grease and heard the jingle of imitation gold jewelry, but 'leviathan'? Not so much.
Marty:
Try a little harder, Bill, as what you smelled was butter because the Yankees are on roll.
Bill:
That's funny, Mahts, because when I hear the words "Yankees" and "buttah" I don't think of roll... but it rhymes with roll, though.
Marty:
Joke while you can, Callaghan, but here's the deal …
Marty:
And, oh yeah, icing on the cake, even off the field this year's sure to be christened MVP
has found his old mojo.
Bill:
Wow, settle down, Mahty.
Bill:
I haven't seen anyone this excited since the time your 2nd wife discovered the solo joys of a
Sybian machine.
Marty:
That's right, stay classy, Boston fans.
Marty:
Meanwhile, prepare yourself to spend the rest of the season counting up your games behind in arrears status.
Bill:
Oh, fuck, that's scary, Mahty, because we all know that once the Yankees get a lead in games up, they *nevah* surrendah it... Oh, Mahty, could you hold, please, I've got a Mr. Roberts on the othah line.
Mike:
Celtics lose,
Sox lose, and I'm still not entiahly ovah the Bruins.
Doug:
Christ, the Sox look terrible a lot of the time lately — lousy defense, absent offense.
Mike:
Well, at least that was the last trip to the West Coast for the regular season.
Doug:
You know, for the sake of cahbon footprints and all, maybe next year the Sox should just outright forfeit the LAA/SEA swing and stay in Boston?
Doug:
Seriously, beat up on the Jays and move into first.
Doug:
Yeah, I love Drew's "no music by choice."
Mike:
Totally badass. That just jumped him up several notches in by appreciation index.
Doug:
Do you think he doesn't like music at all or just not when he's getting ready to bat?
Mike:
Who knows? Dude is an enigma.
Bill:
Now I feel like uttah crap.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? I feel like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed aftah a night at the Hotel CIA.
Doug:
I mean Jesus Hussein Christ where do we even begin to sort this shit out?
Bill:
I don't know where to begin but this is where it has to end: Biggie gone Smalls Papi
goes 0-7 with 12 LOB, and a 3-1 based loaded ground out to the catcher in the 12th.
Doug:
Seriously. That giant sucking sound you hear is even the most ahdent Ortiz loyalists gasping for air.
Doug:
But, hey, least it's Friday. And I'm in love.
Doug:
Oh, c'mon, guy, like all the vices our stodgy moralists try to eradicate, the erotic services aren't going away, they are just going undahground.
Bill:
Speaking of say hi to Mary Jane for me.
Doug:
Hey, you know what they say, "Don't ask, don't ravel, all will be swell."
Bill:
Who the fuck says that?
Doug:
Well, nobody … but it's early yet.
Doug:
I hate losing to Sciosa's LA Anaheim wannabes, but sometimes you just have to tip your cap to one of their guys.
Al:
Registering 98 mph heat on what is reputed to be a slow gun? Oh, yes, please.
Mike:
Are you kidding me? Bahd brings so much cheese
the government
wants to name a welfare program aftah him.
Al:
Seriously. Bahd brings so much cheese that on days he pitches they need to post signs around the pahk warning the lactose intolerant to entah at their own risk.
Doug:
Frig yeah. Bahd has so much easy cheese that when he travels to France they refer to him simply as "Croque."
Mike:
You know, I think this is going to be damn fine summah.
Mike:
Is this the friggin greatest sports city in the world or what?
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. Right now I'm happiah than Carrie Prejean at a wedding "between 1 man and 1 woman ™ ".
Mike:
Of course, there is always someone ready to take the bloom off the rose.
Susan/Circle:
You know I've had it with these Monkey Fighting*
Flakes and their "Is so-and-so done?" Monday to Friday Refrain.
Susan/Circle:
I mean it's all "Is Papi done?" "Is Tek Done?" "Is Brachen done?"
Susan/Circle:
Jesus Mohammed Obama people do I have to put it on a t-shirt?
Size Mattahs!
Susan/Circle:
So before you hit publish on your next tweet or blog post or MSM column just do me a favah and unzip your sample size and take a long, hard look and then ask yourself, "Is it adequate?"
Susan/Circle:
And if you have any doubt, put your sorry junk back undah wraps, sit your sorry ass down and watch, I dunno, 60 or so more games, mmm-kah?
Mike:
Wow. That rant made my bitch tits tingle.
Susan/Circle:
Always glad to help out, bro.
Al:
And why not, the dude is a friggin' icon.
Doug:
But seriously, though, how long are the Sox going to stick with Ortiz?
Mike:
As long as it takes I think.
Al:
Absolutely. Let me say it again — Papi is literally an
icon.
Al:
And aftah all he's dones for us, all the clutch hits, all the key homahs, he deserves our patience and support unabashedly and unequivocally.
Doug:
Even when he's hitting .200?
Doug:
Yeah, well, that's easy to say when we *are* winning.
Mike:
Be patient, guy. If Ortiz doesn't come around, then we'll see.
Bill:
You know, I feel badly for what shotgun face lady has been through and I'm really happy that her face transplant was successful but Jesus Hussein Christ, do I need to see it in high def ovah and ovah again?
Mike:
We go from one ridiculous news meme to the next — the Octo-mom story was unseated by Michele Obama's sculpted ahms story which was topple by the Obama dog story which led to Susan Boyle and now here we are at shotgun face lady.
Mike:
Each new story evah more insidious than the last.
Bill:
It's funny when I was a kid and I imagined the future, this isn't really what I had in mind.
Mike:
Seriously, I'll take a jet pack thank you very much.
Bill:
Yeah, and and a flying cah.
Bill:
But on the othah hand, I didn't envision a future in which the Red Sox are recent two-time World Series champs and perennially posed for a 3rd.
Al:
OK, so Bush Lied and people died;
Pelosi lied
and enemy combatants were drip-dried; and, now, Manny lied and fans are wide-eyed …
Doug:
What that he's telling the truth when he says he was just taking what the doc gave him and didn't know?
Mike:
Yeah,
it's like Bob Ryan says, "If any baseball superstar is capable of taking a medication in all innocence, and then finding out that something in it is included on Major League Baseball's banned list of substances, it is Manny Ramírez."
Mike:
And Ryan also notes that Manny doesn't fit the PED profile — no change in body type or mass, no surge in powah numbahs …
Doug:
I dunno, guy, I'd like to believe he's innocent, too, but c'mon, it's a friggin'
Octo-mom stretch mahk
of a stretch.
Doug:
Why the hell do you put a female fertility drug into your body and, oh, by the way, not just any female fertility drug but one it so happens
that male steroid users sometimes take
to stimulate their body’s natural testosterone production?
Al:
Seriously. And this is a guy who has a friggin' history of, er, being careless with the truth when it serves him.
Al:
How can you believe him?
Mike:
Look. Manny was the 2004 World Series MVP! Do you see where I'm going to with this?
Doug:
Let's see … one dog with a dollop of melancholy and squirt of surly.
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Having a bad day, Mr. Roy.
Doug:
Well, it's like this, Arturo … the spirited, gravely voiced
Allison took a bullet
for Danny Dead Wife Dorkey on Idol …
Doug:
And the B's got beat in OT by the playing way ovah their heads Novacaines and look like
they are poised to lose
series …
Doug:
And the Red Sox
got wholloped
by the Indians behind Carl Pavano of all people …
Doug:
Did you evah smoke Arturo?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Oh, yeah, everyone did back in the day. I smoked a cahton of Mahlboros every othah week for over 20 years but finally quit for good in '93 …
Doug:
Do you evah miss it?
Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Oh, only every single day, Mr. Roy, only every single day.
Bill:
Who would have imagined that the "19-18" chant would be replaced with "We want Torre"?
Mike:
Mystique and Aura, baby.
Al:
How friggin weird is it that leaving Tampa to face the Yankees in the Bronx feels like a respite?
Doug:
Seriously. If I had to enduah anothah 9 innings of Crawford and the Rays right now, I'd be calling up my Emo nephew for tips on cutting myself.
Mike:
Are you kidding me? If Crawford sent Varitek a confidential business offer via email on behalf of Engr. Michael Abe of Benin Oil and Gas Company in Benin Republic, I'm pretty sure Tek would be happy to provide his bank account information to begin forthwith procedures for license reassignment and actualizing the rest of the project.
Mike:
And as the Herald puts it, Jason Bay Owns New York — In four games against New York this season, Bay is 9-for-15 (.600) with two homers and seven RBI.
Al:
Meanwhile, lest anyone accuse of total homerism, can I say that Teixeira hitting solo bombs from both sides of the plate was pretty impressive.
Mike:
Yeah, but as is always the case for the Oh-fer-21st Century Yankees, when the game is on the line — For instance, say, with runners on first and second with one out in the bottom of the ninth — He goes out not with a bang but with a whimpah.
Doug:
Clap. Clap. ClapClapClap.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Doing the TSA Shuffle. See you on Tuesday.
Mike:
What is up with Beckett?
Susan/Circle:
I'm not sure, but I've seen drunk virgins who've had bettah luck
finding the zone.
Mike:
If this pitch-tipping scheme thing has any validity, it'll be huge.
Susan/Circle:
What's worse is A-Flawed isn't alone in this. He had to have othah middle infieldahs on othah clubs working with him to make the "slump busting " quid pro quo viable.
Susan/Circle:
At least with steroids you can argue that your helping yourself and your club at the same time.
Mike:
Abslutely. But with pitch-tip-gate it's purely personal gain and directly damaging to your club.
Susan/Circle:
Sounds every bit as bad as betting on baseball to me.
Susan/Circle:
He's probably too busy getting his fetish on for the next WBC, you know, priorities and all.
