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Doug:
OK, so here's my sports page headline — "Van Every Stirs Fan Reverie!"
Bill:
Ah, don't quit your day job kid.
Bill:
I didn't even know Van Every was on the rostah.
Doug:
"A little like this ... put the Van Every in, add some Nick Green right there, you hit it like this ...."
Bill:
Hey, AL East, you're gonna love our nuts.
Doug:
Question: What in the name of your favorite bearded God version was Javier Lopez even doing out there?
Al:
Seriously, was Francona getting bored with the win streak so he just decided to get it ovah with?
Mike:
To be fair, Tito has been avoiding Lopez like he's a Mexican with flu-like symptoms, but he can't run MDC out there every night.
Mike:
And Lopez actually had an OK outing as fah as pitching.
Mike:
And if Penny has an OK outing, Lopez doesn't even come into play.
Al:
OK. Be that as it may, but let me add this …
Al:
I'm willing to cut Brad Penny some slack. Yes, he put 11 baserunnahs on in just ovah 2 innings, he can't find the strike zone, his fastball isn't, and he has can't throw his secondary pitches for strikes —
Al:
But I'll give him a reprieve for last night because there is still a glimmah of potential with Penny.
Al:
For Julio Lugo, on the othah hand, I confess I have no such hope.
Mike:
Worse than Jurassic Carl Everett?
Doug:
Hell, yeah, Lugo is like the spawn of Carl Everrett crossed with Rick Cerone.
Mike:
Wow, that's seriously harsh.
Al:
Yeah, and instead of "Ditka" the spawn's middle name is "Blagojevich."
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Bad timing — A streak of 11 and I'm too out of it to give voice to the Soxaholix to discuss it.
But I'm on some heavy duty meds, including that sweetest of elixirs known as codeine cough syrup, which are putting me in la-la land (Oh, hi, Manny!) and allowing me to sleep, sleep, and sleep.
So I hope to be back soon.
Bill:
Oh, Mahty, you're home?!
Marty:
Of course, Callaghan, unlike those of you in the proletariat class, I don't punch a time clock.
Marty:
That might hurt a bit more, Bill, if your guy Ellsbury didn't look so bad swinging at the ball.
Bill:
Oh, c'mon, Mahty, you really want to talk about looking bad? I tell you what looked bad — 9 Yankees on the field and
not one of them
was on guard for a potential straight steal of home?
Bill:
Wow, you guys sure get a lot of value for dollahs, don't you. Heh.
Bill:
Hey, you got a pen handy, Mahty, because I've got something important for you to write down — "minah league system."
Bill:
Did you get that? Mahty? Hello?
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I can't stop coughing long enough to even consider writing a strip. Bleh.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Woke up with a throat like sandpaper, a hacking cough, and low energy. Taking a sick day all around.
With the Sox on a 7-straight roll, I figure you can find something to yak about without a strip.
Bill:
Well rain delays suck, but day-night double-headahs more than make up for it.
Bill:
How appropriate, you know with it being Earth Day and all.
Bill:
Yeah, so today, but just today, I made it a point to turn off the watah when brushing my teeth.
Mike:
I'm sure Gaia is very proud of you.
Bill:
Yeah, it's the little things that count, and by count I mean aren't worth a rat's ass in the big scheme of things.
Gree
Bill:
And the Bruins win to go up 3 nil ovah Montreal …
Bill:
And the Celtics win
Bill:
And the cops catch the Craigslist Killah.
Bill:
All in all I'd say that's a pretty fine Patriots day for the City of Boston.
Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Bill:
So this is my favorite line in the stories on
Markoff
…
Doug:
Wait, wait, don't tell me I think I already know what it is …
Doug:
Ah, sweet irony, forevah I am your bitch.
Mike:
Has .500 evah felt so good?
Doug:
Seriously. Bragging about being 6-6 is like bragging about getting a dutch ruddah from a fat girl, yet here I am.
Doug:
No the best paht is ol' man Scrivener shutting this place down midday so we can partake in the Patriot's Day fete.
Al:
Listen my children and you shall hear, / The sound of Al chugging an 11am beer.
Bill:
Hey, Mahts, how the frig are ya?
Bill:
I just wanted to be the first to call and say, wow, you guys sure do know how to open up a new ballpahk.
Yowzah.
Marty:
You know, Callaghan, I've got to hand it to you …
Marty:
For a guy who could land a starring role in the fesish porn biz at smalldick.com, you sure do have a lotta balls making this call when the Red Sux are in the cellar.
Marty:
Well, it is quite spectacular, Bill.
Bill:
Yeah, it's a real Taj Mah-George that's for sure. Enjoy it while you can.
Bill:
Well, it won't take long for the gold chain satin jacket crowd to, you know, "dirty the place up".
Bill:
Meet the new Toilet, same as the old Toilet. Heh.
Marty:
Go cream your chow-duh, Callaghan.
Marty:
And watch out for spiders down in the cellar.
Bill:
Oh, don't worry, Mahts, we're just down in the cellar temporarily to pick out our Octobah
champagne.
Mike:
And how about the quote that is now permanently etched into the stone of Red Sox mythology:
Mike:
But, as I happy as I am this morning, let's keep a little perspective.
Bill:
Oh, I know, with the knucklah and the inherent inconsistency that comes with it, nobody would be shocked if Wakefield gives up a half dozen runs in his next staht.
Bill:
Yeah, I'm not going to put on my promise ring until these guys get back to .500 at least.
Doug:
Ah, I don't know how to break it to you guys, but the ship known as "My Happy Red Sox Summah" has been hijacked by Somali pirates.
Al:
I mean what's next? Is someone going to tell me that the Jonas Brothahs are gay? Or that Miley Cyrus has an
Electra Complex?
Mike:
Seriously, it's not like like Matsuzaka threw x-factorial pitches during the WBC or anything.
Mike:
I'm not "pushing" the panic button, so much as jamming my entiah fist into that bitch.
Al:
Look out Nationals, the Red Sox are coming for you!
Al:
That "worst record in MLB" is ours for the taking.
Bill:
OK new rule — I no longah have to feel guilty for not staying up for an entiah West Coast late staht game
as long as the Sox
are below .500.
Mike:
What the hell is up with
Lestah? His first staht you say, well, he's rusty, but now the second staht is worse than the first?
Bill:
And then there's the offense which has gone all Iraqi WMD on us. I mean I'm told it's there but I don't see any evidence.
Mike:
Of course if you grab any random 6 game stretch from any season and you're going to get your 2 for 5 runs where the pitching is off and the hitting is off.
Mike:
With that said, though, I sure would like to see these guys bust out their innah
Susan Boyle's
though right about now.
Mike:
There was a time, not so very long ago, when opening the season at 2 and 4 and sitting in last place would be cause for great alarm.
Al:
Yeah, those were the days. We'd be red in the face saying, "This is
April '96
all ovah again!"
Doug:
Right. And averaging just 3.4 runs per game? Chill, baby.
Al:
Just got to kick back and be patient.
Doug:
Seriously, if Madonna can wait 18 months to buy another African kid, we can wait a bit on the Sox to turn things around.
Al:
Because they will turn it around.
Susan/Circle:
So going into season 3 of the Daisuke era this is what I want to know …
Susan/Circle:
Is Matsuzaka the Pete Carroll of MLB pitching? I mean just like how Pete Carroll is on another plane when it come to college coaching greatness, Dice-K is unequaled in the Japanese league and the watered-down WBC …
Susan/Circle:
Oh, right, of course. "It's Early Yet™"
Mike:
Look the Orioles have the same record as the Rays, but do you really think that has a lot of meaning of 3 games?
Mike:
Remembah: small sample size.
Susan/Circle:
You're right. Size does mattah.
Mike:
Yestahday I heard
someone say
that "the best thing about Tuesday's game is that it replicated the game we all played in our head every day of the off-season …"
Doug:
Christ, Kazmir vs Lestah? C'mon, I was like pre housing bubble collapse flippah with a no money down 110% to value A.R.M. waiting to collect on the "sure thing."
Doug:
Well, this is why the bearded prophet gave unto us the rubbah game. Win it, take the series, and move on.
Al:
There's hahbingahs and then there's friggin hahbingahs.
Al:
Yeah, Tek showed he's still got a big stick to match his beefy man glutes.
Al:
Did I just say that out loud?
Doug:
Hey, way to put the "Ho" in homoerotic, Al.
Al:
No bigs. I'm secure in my heterosexuality enough to make statements like that.
Doug:
Yeah, you know what I'm secure about? Red Sox pitching that's what. Ace numbah one yestahday. Ace numbah two tonight. Ace numbah 3 tomorrow aftahnoon.
Mike:
Then inning eatah, knuckleball dazzlah, and all around good guy Timmah.
Doug:
Oh, yeah, and then followed by Brad "Back to throwing 96mph Penny" as the 5th, that's right the 5th!, stahtah.
Doug:
Mystique and Aura — Ur not doin it rite. Heh.
Doug:
Deja vu all ovah again.
Doug:
49 degrees and a 100% chance of rain, let's play some baseball!
Mike:
Didn't the British say Spring in Boston is just anothah type of wintah?
Mike:
Well you know how it is. A few Ray Hawk haircuts here and few
Ray Hawk waxes there
does not a baseball city make.
Doug:
That could change if they go head-to-head with the Red Sox and Yankee leviathan this year.
Mike:
Yeah, well, something tells me that come Octobah the Rays are going to be like Madonna adopting a Malawi kid — DENIED!
Doug:
Fenway's like the Demi Moore of ballparks — she gets bettah with age.
Al:
I dunno I know some of the more surly (yet lovable) among us aren't going to be jumping for joy with this news.
Al:
So this is it guys, the last weekend sans baseball until next Novembah.
Mike:
Francona says, "I think we're about as ready to go as you can be."
Doug:
Bring it on like Donkey Kong.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strip today. Instead, I'm working for the Clampdown.
Bill:
For probability of winning the division his algorithm forecasts:
1. Yankees, 32%
2. Red Sox, 30%
3. Rays, 28%
Doug:
Tight? Holy shit that is tightah than a nun's ass on a Holy Day of Obligation!
Bill:
Seriously. But I'd still want to go into a Septembah pennant race with our lineup ovah that of the Yankees or Rays.
Doug:
Oh absolutely. We've got the best pitching and pitching wins Championships.
Bill:
About that … If Buchholz has confidence issues, isn't sending him down aftah proving himself this spring kind of a kick in the old confidence balls?
Doug:
Maybe. Or is it just what he needs?
Bill:
It's times like these when I'm glad I'm just a simple fan who doesn't have to make those decisions.
Doug:
I'm a simple
unfrozen caveman
fan. Your complex psychological decisions frighten and confuse me.
