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Doug:
I think this is the year Matsuzaka wins the Cy.
Al:
You always think this is his year, but still we wait for that $50 million payback.
Mike:
Aren't you worried about his pitch counts.
Doug:
There is only one answer to that, and it requires the haiku …
Doug:
Christ I had a dream last night where the sky was red, the trees were blue, and Spring Training nevah ended.
Mike:
Can you believe there are still 7 more days before this bitch gets stahted?
Mike:
Spring Training — it's all Sham with no Wow.
Rider on Green Line:
And how is the ShamWow at, say, absorbing blood?
Mike:
Ah, nothing quite like the
New Romanticism
movement in music. I've nevah really understood it, frankly.
Al:
Well, during the early 80s we were in a recession actually worse than the current one in many ways …
Mike:
If so, the future is bleaker than I thought.
Doug:
I think Al has already stahted on the peen revealing paht — I ran into him at Shaw's a few weekends ago and he was in a pair of sweats. Yowzah I'll probably nevah be able to eat sausage again.
Al:
Heh. Sometimes you've got to take the bull out of the corral and let him free range a bit.
Doug:
And if you scah a few kids for life, no biggie, huh?
Doug:
No kidding. Fixing the head is always hahdah than fixing the mechanics.
Doug:
How is that society always labels the jocks as dumb when the truly dumbest of the dumb asses are your singahs and pop stahs?
Al:
Imagine if Manny and and someone like Rihanna or Brit Brit hooked up and reproduced?
Mike:
"Hello, Mr. Darwin? Yeah, we need a new filtah the gene pool."
Doug:
Poor Sayid on Lost …
Doug:
Whenevah he stahts to get his cootchie groove on his bitch gets shot or he shoots the bitch or bitch gets disappeared or bitch arrests him.
Bill:
Seriously. I haven't seen that much trouble staying in the zone since, er, help me out here …
Doug:
Ah, since the 21st Century New York Yankees?
Bill:
Heh-heh. That nevah gets old does it?
Doug:
No, why should it. Yankees = fail.
Doug:
Oh, I'm all a quivah.
Doug:
Dude, doesn't someone have to leave to be, you know, welcome backed? Kottaras has been with the Sox since '06 in the Wells trade to the Padres.
Doug:
I get it, Barbarino, but it still doesn't work. Sounds like something the
CHB
would say.
Doug:
Yeah, yet anothah example of how vacuous the CHB is. I mean if you really don't like Schilling, stick with it. Don't puss out just because dude retiahs.
Curt Schilling began his Red Sox career in 2004, the same year The Soxaholix appeared on the web, and during that time Schilling has been a catalyst for much of conversation around here. Featured below are some random bits that are focused on number 38 and which are meant to stand in tribute to one of the greatest players to ever represent the Boston Red Sox. Thank you, Curt Schilling.
Susan/Circle:
When the miraculously and obviously
on
Curt Schilling played the chin music to A-Rod in the 1st, I got pregnant, immaculately.
Bill:
What fertile woman of Red Sox Nation wouldn't desire such conception? The dominant genes of
the Hero
must be spread. An army of Schillings progeny for our future dominance!
[
Oct 20, 2004
]
Tara:
Are you kidding me? It's gotten so bad even Schilling's personal Savior can't save him, not for all the pre-pitch cross kissing in the world.
[
Aug 30, 2005
]
Bill:
So when Schilling says that Randy Johnson is quote "special," does he mean, you know,
special? You know short bus special.
[
Jan 13, 2005
]
Doug:
Curt Schilling, is fun in the sense that Ghenghis Khan was fun.
[
Feb 28, 2006
]
Doug:
And then there's Curtis Montague Schilling like Moses himself leading the fucking people to the promised land (again). Dude was not only in his best form since the saga of the blood sock on Opening Day, but there he is Wednesday night at the top of the dugout steps cheering on Beckett and Papelbon like it's mid Octobah in New York and not early April in Arlington.
[April 07, 2006]
Doug:
Same thing happens every year — I wait and wait and wait for Spring Training to staht and then forget this interminable period before the season actually begins.
Bill:
I know. It's like back in college when we used to drive to Florida during spring break… We be all giddy crossing the state line and approaching Jacksonville, then the reality would set in that we still had 5 hour drive to Fort Lauderdale ahead of us.
Doug:
Two more weeks until Opening Day. Ugh.
Doug:
Seriously, as pissed as it makes me, I can only imagine how white-knuckled Francona and Farrell
must be.
Bill:
But, hell, you know, even though it may mean that Matsuzaka's ahmn falls off by the All Stah Break, at least Dice-K is bringing
great honor to the homeland
and all. You know, priorities and shit.
Doug:
On that note, let's go to the haiku, shall we?
Doug:
Over Mount Fuji,
The victorious red sun —
Rotator cuff wrecked
Al:
I know both Pedroia and
Youks are adamant
in their disavowals of the WBC playing any role in their injuries but …
Doug:
Yeah, it *could* have happened "anywhere" but the truth is it *did* happen at the WBC.
Doug:
It's time for Selig to end his little international fête.
Al:
It's time for Selig to move on in general. What is he appointed for life or something?
Mike:
Seriously, its a mattah of national interest.
Al:
Speaking of the disabled, formah DL listah Brad Penny is all of a sudden hitting 95 on the gun.
Mike:
Yeah, Theo called Penny's latest outing "impressive."
Al:
Looks like Theo's plan to sign guys coming off injury is falling into place.
Doug:
Yeah, well, let's wait until Penny faces Majah League hittahs before we staht pissing our pants with expectation.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry to give you Lisa and then a "no strip" back to back, but I totally forgot today is another one of those off-site corporate pep rally deals.
Not only does that alter my usual routine, but I overslept as well.
Until tomorrow then …
Lisa the Temp:
Are you kidding me, peeps? It's
the day after
St. Patrick's Day.
Lisa the Temp:
The only ones who managed to drag their raggedy asses in are all tallow-faced and queasy.
Lisa the Temp:
But if you're feeling fine, and you know Lisa is so fine, then
get to work, my peeps.
Lisa the Temp:
It's *all* about productivity in today's economy.
Doug:
Slow down Zeppy O'Green, I know it's St. Patty's day and all so you've already been in the sauce, but there's a reason they call it preseason.
Bill:
Your caution is duly noted. Things do have a way of changing when things staht to count.
Doug:
Now that he's actually on the job for reals, we find he's lot more like Matt Young than Pedro Martinez.
Bill:
Yeah, good times. I've got to tell you, though, I'm a little miffed at the seedings.
Doug:
Yeah, and Katie Cumalat a 13 seed? Puh-leeze.
Doug:
But I think what is most remarkable about this year's tourney is the strength of the 2 seeds. You've got Nutritious Love, Moonlit Wang, and Chastity Clapp.
Bill:
Seriously, and any of those 3 can potentially go all the way.
Mike:
Perfect. In the midst of a global economic crisis, the government has nothing better to do than worry about Brazilian waxing?
Doug:
Wait, this surprises you?
Doug:
C'mon, it's like Alexis de Tocqueville predicted —"The nature of despotic power in democratic ages is not to be fierce or cruel, but minute and meddling."
Al:
Speaking of minute and meddling, thanks for nothing Bug Selig. Your little farce to pretend that baseball is international possibly means we are opening the season without our stahting 2nd baseman and AL MVP.
Doug:
Let's hope so. El Caballito is more and more the soul of the team.
Al:
Yeah, and the fact that Pedroia is willing to take the ribbing shows just the kind of class act he is.
Doug:
Remembah when I broke up with that hot Indian chick?
Mike:
Wow, that's quite a euphemism there isn't it, Doug? I mean isn't this the girl who cuckolded you with the Hahvahd Lacrosse team?
Al:
Yeah, I heard they had to update and reprint the Kama Sutra aftah that.
Doug:
Jesus wept. Is everyone a comedian today or what?
Doug:
Ok so breakup, train wreck, punjab punch in the nads, whatevah you want to call it, my point is -- Remembah how I moped around for weeks and everyone was like "when are you going to get ovah it?"
Mike:
Good times. Good times.
Al:
Yeah, that chick was hot as a tandoor oven.
Doug:
OK, as I was saying, that's what I'm thinking about the latest Manny stories. When the frig is Red Sox Nation going to get ovah Manny and just move on?
Al:
Well, my gut feeling here is that if this were a novel we'd be calling it ironic foreshadowing.
Mike:
What are you saying, that Paps is going to turn into a malcontent and a thorn in the side of management?
Al:
I dunno. I just think that it's often the case around here that today's hero is tomorrow's "you've dissed me and now I'm signing with the Yankees" villian.
Mike:
But Paps? Nuts. You've got no evidence of that.
Al:
Ah, duh. Of course I have no evidence. That's why it's called a "gut feeling" dipwad.
Mike:
Yeah, well, considering that you think Sriracha has its own block on the food pyramid, it's no surprise that your gut has all sorts of feelings.
Bill:
A shot of El Mejor Tequila served with a performance-enhancing boost of spicy tomato JUICE which comes in a syringe.
Doug:
Sounds good but I swore off tequila forevah.
Bill:
Yeah, too much can lead to on frig of a nasty hangovah.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? The last time I did tequila shots I woke up in Chelsea flophouse next to a Salvadoran tranny in velvet hot pants.
Bill:
So did you try the pupusas?
Doug:
Dude, don't make come ovah there and go all Chris Brown on you. I mean I will bite.
Bill:
Yeah, that's what la she-male said.
Mike:
Yeah, because nothing says wholesome, New England family entertainment with a soupçon of Puritanism quite like a song celebrating the the joys of oral sex.
Susan/Circle:
Hey, just trying to do my paht.
Mike:
This coming from the girl who took an entiah week off from work to have her
tramp stamp
removed.
Susan/Circle:
Don't you judge me.
Mike:
"Theo Epstein is taking care of his to do list as if he were strolling through the produce section, locking up home-grown budding stars to long-term deals at a time of economic turmoil."
Bill:
The kid's on fiah. Hitting triples digits on the gun consistently.
Bill:
Striking out the side against Puerto Rico on Thursday then doing it again Sunday against the Rays.
Mike:
Joe Castiglione said
this is the most impressive effort by a youngster in spring training he's seen since Clemens in 1984.
Bill:
Wow, that takes me back.
Bill:
You know with the last 15 years or so with Clemens it's easy to forget just how amazing it was when he came on the scene in '84.
Bill:
Right from the staht he electrified this town.
Bill:
You know even with the glory that is the 2004 and 2007 World Series wins, those first couple years of watching Clemens go from gangly prospect to the most dominant pitcher in baseball stand on their own as some of the most heady times to be a Red Sox fan.
Bill:
Still amazes me how quickly the moment turned sour and was gone.
Lisa the Temp:
Sorry, peeps, due to the time change and work load, the regulars are overwhelmed to take time for Red Sox talk today.
Lisa the Temp:
And Lisa doesn't have much time either.
Lisa the Temp:
There are stocks to research and buy, peeps.
Lisa the Temp:
You know what they say — One man's crisis is one Lisa's opportunity.
Al:
I love the "padded with no hopahs" line.
Mike:
I mean Ryan likes the idea of the WBC and international competition in general, it's just the WBC rostahs not including the very best playahs that he takes issue with.
Al:
True. And he takes a nice jab at Americans for being "insular" as well.
Doug:
Ah, right, of course. Because not having interest in international sporting events logically dictates that one is a small-minded bigot.
Al:
Yeah, well, columnists aren't paid to make sense only to have an opinion.
Doug:
I don't think T.O. saw it coming.
Doug:
Can Kotsay and the rest of the reclamation projects be fah behind?
Mike:
With all due respect to our 2 World Series winning GM, there is growing reason to question whethah this filling the rostah with playahs most remembahed for their time on the DL is the wisest course.
Doug:
It more and more seems that Theo is turning into the baseball equivalent of the north-country redneck who
fills his yahd
with half a dozen cahs up on blocks and in various states of disrepair.
Steve:
Incredibly, according to Van's data, most of the clubs do not even have five guys who project as 1 through 5 starters!
Mike:
Seriously. And I would be feeling some definite scrotum-tightening reading that the Yankees and Ray each have 5 guys who all project to be 4th starters or better and two more capable guys in case of injury …
Mike:
But then I see that the Red have nine guys who qualify as 1-5 capable stahters.
Steve:
This is going to be on frig of an AL East battle.
Mike:
And we're going to love every minute of it.
Steve:
Except, of course, for those times when we are beating our fists on the ground and frothing at the mouth in angry frustration that things are going 100% our way.
Mike:
Oh, c'mon, we'd nevah behave like that.
Bill:
Nothing beats a majah snow storm in March to drain the piss right out of ya.
Doug:
Seriously. It's Wintah's equivalent of the jilted ex-lovah keying your cah.
Doug:
"Oh, dreaming of warm April days in Fenway now are you? Well, you're not going to forget me that easy now you friggin bastard. And tell your little bitch whore, Spring, to watch her back, too"
Doug:
Yeah, nothing like a few consequential games in March to make things interesting.
Doug:
And by "consequential" I, of course, mean having absolutely no consequence whatsoevah.
Bill:
And if it's good enough for El Papi, it's good enough for me.
Doug:
Well, I'm very happy for you, but I remain a proud and unapologetic WBC agnostic.
