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Mike:
The OctoBitch in a porn? Jeez, guy, that is whacked thinking even for you.
Doug:
I mean think about it — doorbell rings and it's … The artificial insemination doc.
Doug:
Or there's a knock on the door and it's the dude from the diapah service. No, wait, 8 kids, let's make that 3 strapping dudes from the diaphah service.
Doug:
Or how 'bout this — Sound of door chime. Cut to an Australian on the doorstep with a goat … and a bottle of Sriracha.
Doug:
It's like this — An artist has to aim higher than morality, exist beyond parochial conventions of right and wrong, sacred and profane.
Doug:
You know aht for aht's sake and all that.
Mike:
Speaking of aht, there *was* a grapefruit game last night.
Mike:
And the Bard, well, he "was as
constant
as the norther star."
Al:
Ah, but remembah, "All that glisters is not gold."
Mike:
Screw your courage to the sticking place. It's only
Game One
of GFL.
Doug:
Seriously, to over think spring training, well, "That way madness lies."
Tara:
The surest harbinger of Spring is Tim Wakefield taking the mound in the Grapefruit League.
Tara:
I mean how cool is it that Wakes has been with the team since forever?
Susan/Circle:
Seriously, Tim Wakefield
is our constant
as we traverse time and space.
Susan/Circle:
So they needed to reframe his stance.
Tara:
Ah, yes, the age old axiom is proven again — size matters.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
As I mentioned in the comments a couple weeks back, my day job underwent a reorg and now the London office runs the whole operation.
Consequently, my new Master and Commander will be here in the U.S. most of the week for an inspection. This means I need to come in extra early to get the H.M.S. Bounty swabbed and rigged for sailing into uncharted waters and that will cut into my normal strip writing time.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
So I'll see you back here on Friday, perhaps sooner.
And, oh right,
God Save the Queen
(She ain't a human being).
Mike:
Well, at long last the lack of female restroom facilities at Fenway
has been solved.
Susan/Circle:
A girl need not even leave her seat.
Mike:
Pink hat? Check. Pink FUD? Check.
Mike:
We survived the recent round of layoffs, yet it still feels like Sword of Damoclese is hanging ovah our heads.
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. Are you as scared as I am about the future?
Susan/Circle:
It's really stahting to effect my social life.
Mike:
Absolutely. Now instead of simply considering the "Hot enough?" factah, I need to also compute the work vs energy equation.
Susan/Circle:
I know. I'm considering hooking up with survivalists just for their access to canned goods and weapons.
Doug:
Whoa, wait a second. I thought you libs were all in favah of "spreading the wealth around"? Don't you have any compassion for the poor, downtrodden, victims of the small mahket?
Doug:
It all sounds like socialism to me.
Bill:
Don't make me come ovah there and go all
Travis the Chimp
on your ass, mmm-kay?
Bill:
You know where that lady went wrong though?
Doug:
You means besides friggin' living with a 200lb chimpanzee, feeding him steak and lobstah, letting him drive a cah and giving him Xanax? No, tell me …
Bill:
It's like this — When you have a 200lb chimp with a
history of violence, then only invite a friend ovah to visit if the friend's name is Ditka.
Doug:
But seriously. Who the frig lives with a chimp anyway?
Bill:
Oh, I dunno, I don't think it's that ridiculous. I mean
Michelle Damon
seems to manage it just fine.
Doug:
Yeah, well, when A-Rod takes
Vadge from the Crypt
down to Poundtown, it's not as bad as necrophilia, but that doesn't make it right.
Doug:
Yeah, and the government "stimulus" is going to create 4 million new jobs.
Mike:
Dude, I can understand you dissing the gov, but bashing El Papi? Have you no shame?
Doug:
Since when is a healthy skepticism a bad thing?
Doug:
Oh, and by the way, he's not back-to-back with Manny in lineup anymore in case you didn't notice.
Doug:
OK, I like where this is going …
Mike:
You guys remembah Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd?
Doug:
Hell, yeah. Who can evah forget him
saying
"I am The Can, and I am going to come right at you with my best shit, and if you can hit it, I want to see how far Bo Jackson can hit The Oil Can."
Doug:
And then Bo Jackson taking Can's first pitch 515 feet ovah straight away centah.
Al:
Isn't this like hearing how some 80s band is now playing at the county fair in front of 50 fahmahs in overalls?
Mike:
Hey now, guy, you've gotta respect the aging rockahs *and* the aging ball playahs like Can who are willing to risk embarrassment and will play for nothing simply for the the chance to play.
Mike:
It's just in their blood.
Al:
Yeah, when you put it that way. I wish I was that passionate about something that I'd be willing to do it forevah and for nothing.
Al:
I appreciate your new found élan here, Doug, but I confess I don't have much love for being a mid-level marketing managah.
Doug:
No, dude, not your job — I'm talking about being a Red Sox fan.
Doug:
Think about it. You'll be a Sox fan whethah you're rich or poor, healthy or dying, happy or sad.
Mike:
Absolutely. I mean speaking for myself, while the nuances have changed slightly, my rooting for the Red Sox today is intrinsincly no different than when I rooted for the Red Sox when I was 6 years old.
Doug:
And it'll be the same when you're 96.
Al:
OK. You're right. Being a fan of the Red Sox is the constant.
Al:
And while I'd be willing to go watch the 49 year old Oil Can to see if he has indeed been égiven back the fastball,é you won't catch me watching Foreignah play at the
Hopkinton Fair, OK?
Mike:
Pitchers and catchers have reported …
Al:
All and all I don't think you could ask for a bettah Friday the 13th in February.
Doug:
But, you know, a ballball playah gets caught using steroids and Congress leaps into action! Jeez.
Bill:
Yeah, you know, national priorities and all.
Doug:
Yeah, well, that's all hugs and kisses until you balance it with Will Carroll's Team Health Report.
Doug:
And that's not the kind of "red" we want with our Sox.
Bill:
Ah, c'mon, you saying you have a problem with J.D. "Judged Disabled" Drew being backed up by Rocco "My Muscles Stopped Working" Baldelli who is backed up by Mark "Bad Back" Kotsay?
Doug:
Looks like the Front Office is going to roll the dice in 2009 the way they did in '06.
Bill:
Yeah, and that worked out well. Heh.
Al:
Is this A-Rod doing steroids story a classic case of "dog bites man" or what?
Al:
I mean a professional athlete has used performance enhancing drugs? Oh noz! Shocking.
Doug:
But, you know, what's an "honest mistake" among friends?
Doug:
Aw, c'mon, his apology is all spin. Slappy McBluelips is a walking, talking P.R. statement.
Al:
Eithah way, can we move along now and get back to some real news?
Susan/Circle:
Seriously. Now that disliking him will become the default condition for the masses, it just won't be much fun anymore.
Mike:
Absolutely. I prefer my hatreds to be petty,
cartoonish, and arbitrary rather than weighty, earnest and rational.
Susan/Circle:
Think about it. The blue lips, the ball slap in white gloves and purse,
the "dropping the shoulder move", the sleepovahs, the boning Madonna have all been overwritten with the imprimatur of "steroid cheatah" and rendered obsolete.
Mike:
Worse. Now the minority position on A-Rod isn't going to be one of the partisan derision sort that we've worked dilegently to
nurture
ovah the years,
but rathah one of sympathy.
Lisa the Temp:
I bet you a 100 dinars
Lars
will one day be on the list of Boston superstars.
Lisa the Temp:
The dumb bitch with 14 kids has 16 kids too many.
Lisa the Temp:
President Obama says his staff is "worn out" after just 17 days. And now Manny Ramirez is wondering how he can sign up for that gig.
Lisa the Temp:
OK, peeps, Lisa's gotta run. Have a happy
National Wear Red Day. Yes, peeps, I'm wearing a little bit, a very little bit of red all under …
Bill:
Like Pawxatawny Phil, Theo has emerged from his underground lair at Yawkey way and announced that Spring is looking good.
Bill:
Eithah way, what I love best about Theo's infrequent pronouncements is the dialectic of his subtle yet overt digs at the Yankees.
Doug:
You mean digs like, "We're not building this organization through free agency. I don't think that's an intelligent way to build an organization."
Bill:
Absolutely, and, jabs like, "We've actually done a pretty good job of getting [Teixeira] out throughout his career, so hopefully we can continue that."
Bill:
Yeah, whenevah I hear Theo start waxing eloquent I'm overcome with a sudden yet inexplicable desire to speak in LOLCAT tongues —
Teh gnrl mangin - Ur doin it rite!
Doug:
Ah, yes, the ol "Pieces of his mind" column. How unprecedented!
Al:
No, wait, now, guy, it's not just any "pieces of mind" column but a "icked-up pieces while still mourning John Updike, the greatest writer of them all and the man who wrote 'Picked-Up Pieces' . . ." column.
Mike:
Now that is to opening lines what Julio Lugo is to leadoff hitting.
Al:
The only reason I still read Shaughnessy is for the schedenfraude of knowing he can no longah sprinkle every piece he writes with Curse of the Bambino allusions.
Doug:
Yeah, but that doesn't mean other platitudes are off limits. Leave it do Dan-O to reach out for the lame-o "the 50th anniversary of
the day the music died" meme.
Mike:
Is that "music died" thing the absolute worst cliche in all of popular culture or what?
Doug:
Seriously. I mean music didn't die but flourished since that plane went down 50 years ago.
Al:
Yeah, it's not like without Holly, Valens, and the Big Bopper that there was no Elvis, no Wall-of-Sound, no Beatles nor Stones nor Led Zep …
Mike:
Or no Big Star, no Ramones, no Dolls, no Television, no Bowie, Iggy …
Doug:
No Clash, no Pistols, no Joy Division, no Sioxsie, no Nirvana, no Weezah …
Al:
No Marley, no Tosh, no Lee Perry
Doug:
Yeah, or no hit makahs like the Donna Summah, the Bee Gees, Michael Jackson, Madonna …
Mike:
No Run-DMC, no Public Enemy, no N.W.A., no Jay-Z ₊
Doug:
It's like this — Saying "the music died" with Buddy Holly is like saying the video gaming industry died when Atari discontinued
Pong.
Doug:
Seriously, he should have issued a statement
like the one Radley Balko suggested
…
"Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe."
Mike:
Yep, just anothah lazy, unmotivated, losah stonah who just happens to be the greatest friggin swimmah in the history of the world.
Al:
So now that Manny is gone, you think there are any Red Sox who like the Mary Jane?
Mike:
I dunno this is a pretty straight-laced bunch between the Evangelicals and the hyperbaric chambahs.
Al:
Yeah, maybe, I can see Papi kicked back blazing a big Bob Marley joint.
Mike:
He is always relaxed and at ease.
