The Wow Factor

Doug:
OK, so he's not the second coming of Cy Young or anything, but nevertheless John Smoltz sure does look good in a Red Sox cap.

 

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Mike:
Hell, yeah, he does.

 

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Doug:
And Smoltzy feels being with the Sox is a perfect fit because the Red Sox in developing young talent and being competitive year in and out have replaced the Braves as the premier organization in baseball.

 

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Mike:
Premiere is so right.

 

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Mike:
It's like this. While the other clubs are papah towels, the Red Sox are friggin' ShamWows.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. I mean if the Red Sox ran the mortgage industry there nevah would have been a bubble to collapse.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. If the Red Sox ran the automobile industry, we'd all by driving flying cars by now.

 

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Doug:
Flying cars powered by batteries.

 

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Mike:
Batteries so green and sustainable they'd convert one's own urine to raw energy.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me, if the Red Sox ran the world there would be freely available porn on every computer and mobile device …

 

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Mike:
!

 

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Doug:
Oh, right — Thanks, Theo!

 

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Comments

[Harwich Rich]

Oh hb,you've done it again.

[Bob]

Coffee. Nose. Scalding.

Thanks, H.B.

[Steve in MD]

What, no links in the last 3 panels?!? Although given the two girls one cup thing, that's probably good...

[Bob]

BTW, just a reminder to all the 10th Man Ticket Plan people out there: today's the payment deadline.

[Hoof]

Batteries so green and sustainable they'd convert one's own urine to raw energy........CLASSIC!!!!!

[Kaz]

You mean you guys don't piss in your neighbor's gas tank to help them out?

Huh.

[Natalie]

Laughing out loud, hb. Nice. Although I heard the ShamWow does not work as advertised; hopefully the 2009 Sox are more steak than sizzle.

Now, if you'd said the Flowbee... ;)

[louclinton]

It all comes down to this.

If a one or two of Theo's moves work out, we win.

If one or two Hankie Yanky's don't work out, we win.

RS margin for error is much greater.

ps I can't think of a year in which I've looked forward to Spring training less. The commoditization of RSN has finally got to me.

lc

[Steve in MD]

Anybody know when Truck Day is? Should be about 7 Feb I think.

[Scott]

Love the signing. About time. They still need another starter though.

[h.b]

l.c.,

You bring up a good point. I think we are somewhat insulated in still being very Red Sox centric and, well, Soxaholix, but I think there are more and more people who are starting to tune out the Red Sox.

Maybe those "we'll lose our identity by winning" folks were onto something afterall?

[Ryan with a capital "R"]

h.b., I would contend that identity is an internally generated quality. An identity cannot be forced onto you without your permission. Besides, those same people saw Sox fans as whiny losers. Why wouldn't we want to throw away that characterization?

[h.b]

Ryan,

I meant that I don't think people, in general, are that into the Red Sox anymore. And I think that is only going to increase over the next year or so.

Yes, Fenway will still sell out, but that speaks more to the commoditization that lc brought up than it does to true passion/interest.

[Rob in CT]

Two Shamwow references in two days. Awesome, HB. "All I can say is, 'ShamWOW!'"

So who do you have in the cage fight between the Shamwow Huckster and Billy Mays. I say Billy comes out early screaming at the top of his lungs for an early knockdown and standing 8-count, but Shamwow guy will wipe the smug right off Billy's Oxycleaned face for the TKO. Loser has to French-kiss one of the girls with the, um, cup.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming. (...and Smoltzy does look good in a Red Sox cap.)

[sonomasox]

Fenway selling out due to commoditization is why I haven't been in 3 years. Hadlock stadium is more fun now. Go SeaDogs!

mea culpa of the day: Man crush on Doug.

[Bob]

The ShamWow huckster's name is Fitz, and he's now on a "vegetable chopper" infomercial.

Have to give the guy credit; he's making lots of money dealing crap.

Tom Glavine did that for years.

[Steve in MD]

Alex Cora to the Mets.

Gabe Kapler to the Rays (replacing Rocco). Rocco has more upside potential, but Gabe hit .300 last year, is healthy and is a great clubhouse guy. I wonder if Theo looked at re-signing him?

[buckner was framed]

so here I am sitting in the Miss Portland Diner having my lunch reading the police blotter in the local free rag. Seems the cops arrested some drunk dude who busted into the Civic Center up here so he could drive the Zamboni- which he proceeded to do, over the net and right thru the boards. When he overheard the cops talking about how much shit he was in for, dude tried to run away.... right into a door, knocking himself out. You just can't make this shit up.

[Bob]

I used to go to Providence Bruins away games at that Civic Center, Buck. Stayed at the Holiday Inn a couple blocks away.

Funny, story: once, I broke in and tried to drive the Zambon...oh. Shit. I'm in jail. Absinthe I guess.

[h.b]

bucker, there really is nothing quite like a drunk Mainer. Beautiful story.

As for the ShamWow, it's the gift that keeps giving as far as strip humor.

But I must confess I do own one. I use it exclusively for drying my dog after baths. It works quite well for that. I ShamWow the dog. Then use the blower. Then finish with a regular bath towel.

I have seen the dude in the "Slap Chop"commercial. And he's every bit as good in this spot. I love when he tosses the knife over his shoulder and it lands in the sink. (Yes, I'm easily amused by stupid shit.)

Slap Chop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs&feature=related

BTW you can bet your britches that "Slap Chop" will appear in a strip sooner or later.

[Bob]

H.B., I ShamWow'd a dog once. Got a form of canine herpes.

I'm here all week folks; try the veal.

[h.b]

I saw my first rock concert ever at Civic Center: Van Halen, the Fair Warning tour.

I wasn't much of a VH fan, but I went because everyone else seemed to be going. It wasn't until a few years later (and access to a car) that led me to Orpheum and Opera House for the shows I really wanted to see.

[h.b]

Bob, that was funny. LOL literally.

[louclinton]

Here's hoping that the Slap Chop reference includes a tribute to the Manson Brothers

Chuck, Marilyn, and Shirley

[Soulie]

H.B. - You think the "less into it" thing is just a natural progression? I think a case could be made that we've been running in the redline now for a decade. At the very least since '03. Given what the Sox have achieved, and given the world at large, a gradual cool down is probably unavoidable.

I'll say this, I only get up to Fenway once or twice a year, but I prefer the crowds now to back in the day. Everyone seems Up for the game, and really enjoying themselves. You don't get that "Damnit, they did it to my father, and now they're doing it to me" crap. Yeah, there are trade offs, but in the final balance, it's a win.

[Soulie]

And thank you for the slap chop link. My life has new meaning. Glorious. I love you, Internet.

[h.b]

Soulie,

I definitely think it's a natural progression and not necessarily a bad thing.

And as much as I know my own feeling for the Red Sox are not as fanatical as they once were, I wouldn't ever want to go back. Like you said, in the end, this is a win, a huge win.

[buckner was framed]

Bob, that was a classic. LOL indeed. Sort of like the last Bruins game I went to with the gf and we got a lot of mileage out of stuff like "Wham, bam, thank you ZAM-boni" as the guys were clearing the ice

I, too, am easily amused

[buckner was framed]

Oh, and re: yesterday's comment about Get Fuzzy: why am I not surprised the cat is a MFY fan?

[buckner was framed]

OK, just one more, I promise:

Am I the only one who thought Slap Chop was already part of the lexicon around here?

[Bob]

Regarding the "less is more" attitude; seems it's not limited to any one team:

SkankeeFansCheapOrJustSmart?

[Ryan with a capital "R"]

h.b., I see what you're saying.

[Bob]

"...fettucine, martini, bikini..."

But I really did think his name was Fitz, not Vince. I like Fitz better, so that's what I'm calling him.

[h.b]

buckner,

OMFG you are right!!!!

(Knew it sounded familiar :)

[h.b]

OK, so imagine if Fitz/Vance was an MLB manager...

Now imagine what his trip to the mound to settle a pitcher down would sound like.

"Youcangetthishitterwithyoursplitter or getthenexttwo with your change and throw in the slider and make it 1-2-3 and the change is really like twopitchesinone since it says fastball then wow wow it's not. very handy."

[bigyaz]

Rob in CT: That comment makes you sound much like a Bill Simmons wannabe. And sorry, that's not a compliment.

[Bob]

Then the ump would come out to the mound and say, "Okay guys, let's do this in real time, okay?"

[buckner was framed]

hb, that's beautiful. Right out of "Bull Durham", that is:
'.....er, and candlesticks make a nice wedding gift'

[Bob]

Fitz-Vince is kind of an interesting guy:

YouKnowTheGermansAlwaysMakeGoodStuff

[buckner was framed]

Vince Offer? why, I barely know her....

[Natalie]

"...Maybe find out where she's registered, maybe a place setting or a nice silverware pattern.. is that it? Let's get two." :)

[buckner was framed]

Yesssss! Thank you Nat!

Does vince really say "You're gonna love my nuts" in that infomercial?

[Rob in CT]

Bigyaz - Nay, nay. I'll admit I read Simmon's column on and off, but 'wannabe'? I think not. Just trying to tie together some of the disparate threads on today's column and comments for purposes of a chuickle. Lame attempt, I know.

As anyone who reads the Soxaholix regularly will attest, I'm no writer (and not particularly funny.) Gotta leave that to the Bobs /lous /Nats /SDUs /buckners /Kazs of the board. I wouldn't even pretend to keep up with their likes.