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Bill:
"One-Adam-Dunn, One-Adam-Dunn, see the man about an exorbitant contract."
Mike:
Seriously, I don't see the fit for Dunn on this club.
Mike:
Maybe if we hadn't signed Rocco, maybe …
Doug:
So the normally tight-lipped Megan the Vegan from HR let it slip that there might be some riffs coming?
Bill:
I can neithah confirm nor deny …
Doug:
Oh, c'mon, guy, don't go all Steinbrennah on my ass.
Bill:
Look, Doug, you know about as much as I do. All I've heard is there's going to be some, er, cutbacks because of the economy.
Doug:
But we're safe, right?
Bill:
You know, despite two recent World Series victories, I still have a lot of Game 6 86 in my DNA, so I figure it's always best to plan for the worst.
Doug:
Frig. When I prayed to the bearded prophet to "make me more like Manny," being unemployed going into Spring wasn't really what I had in mind.
Doug:
Heh, yeah, you stay classy Joe.
Mike:
You know for all the shit we've given A-Rod ovah the years, I nevah actually thought the man-crush on Jetah stuff was real.
Doug:
How does Torre put it — "A Single White Female obsession with Jetes"?
Doug:
Well, except for that paht about it being absolutely, totally, friggin' believable.
Mike:
You know is scares the crap out of me to realize this guy was so close to being with the Red Sox.
Doug:
If that had happened, though, who do you think A-Fraud would have gone all SWF ovah on the Sox rostah?
Al:
"Hey, Jason, I'm having a sleep ovah tonight … I like it when you wear your mask."
Al:
I guess Theo figures it's the only option othah than getting soaked in a trade for a Saltalamacchia or a Montero.
Doug:
Besides that
G.I.D.P.
record is just there for the taking.
Doug:
Christ, I don't know what's wrong with me …
Bill:
Getting that burning and itching sensation when you urinate again, Doug?
Doug:
I've nevah felt this little enthusiasm for a new Red Sox season in my life.
Bill:
Look, it's OK to feel this way.
Bill:
We no longah have to metastasize every single hope and dream and fear of failure into the coming season.
Bill:
We've been to the friggin' mountaintop, guy.
Bill:
So we no longah need to wait until next. Every year is this year and next year simultaneously.
Doug:
Yeah, you're probably right.
Bill:
And besides we're firmly in the clutches of a cold wintah … you'll come 'round once spring comes
Bill:
Right now we are like snow-whipped sugah maples, dormant, looking dead …
Bill:
But noons when the sun prevails, ovah late March's gales, will come the multiple dull drum of sap in empty pails.
Doug:
I like that. But if we Red Sox fans are sugah maples, what are Yankees' fans?
Lisa the Temp:
Today is the day of National Healing …
Lisa the Temp:
Today is the day the oceans stop rising …
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Oops. Totally forgot until I got my robocall reminder last night that I have my annual mortal coil memorandum and vices vs virtues remonstration otherwise known as an appointment with the doctor.
"Doc, you seem curiously unaware of the curative properties of Sriracha and sausage …"
Mike:
Holy Bearded Prophet it's still cold out there.
Susan/Circle:
Coldah than a warlock's nut.
Susan/Circle:
But I find it helps me to stay warm if I intermittently vocalize
"Yoooooooouuuuukks."
Mike:
What a fantastic deal for the Sox.
Susan/Circle:
It's looking more and more like not getting Teixeira combined with a crappy economy is working to our advantage.
Mike:
Seriously. Youks is only 13 months older than Teixeira and they both put up nearly identical numbahs last year, yet we get Youks for 4/40 while the Yankees went 8/180 for Teixeira. A-Ma-Zing.
Susan/Circle:
The 2008 MVP and the 2008 MVP runnah-up both locked up and wearing red stockings for the next 4 years.
Mike:
That "we'll nevah outspend the Yankees so we'll have to outsmaht them" thing continues to work out pretty well for us.
Susan/Circle:
Bob Ryan nails it. "Memo to Yankee fans:If your team wins it all, people on the outside will shrug and say, "So what?" And if they don't win, people everywhere in the baseball universe will laugh their you-know-whats off. But do enjoy your season."
Mike:
I hope Hanky Stein is planning a "ShamWow Fan Giveaway Night" at the new Yankee Stadium because they're going to need something that absorbs 20 times its own weight to wipe up all those Yankees fan tears come Octobah.
Doug:
Coldah than a witch's tit.
Al:
You know, I've nevah really understood that expression. Why would a witch's tit be especially cold?
Doug:
It's not meant in the physical sense but the emotional. The idea being that a witch is a cold hearted bitch who, presumably,
has no maternal feelings.
Mike:
Actually,
there's even more to it than that. It was believed that witches had a third tit from which an imp or devil, known as a "familiar," sucked the witch's blood as a form of nourishment.
Mike:
And this third tit or protuberance, if pricked with a pin, would not cause pain or bleed, as is the case with many moles, skin tags, or even a supernumerary nipple.
Doug:
So that means Hervé Villechaize as Nick Nack, Scaramanga's little henchman, was the suckling imp?
Mike:
One would presume so, yes.
Al:
When I first saw that movie as a kid and saw
Britt Ekland in a bikini
forced into the trunk of that flying car, it made me feel all funny inside. In a special way.
Mike:
Now to loop this back, this is where a feminist might scold us for using the phrase "cold as a witch's tit" as being hostile toward the female breast when it is not a source of pleasure or nurturance, as in the case of the of Al's prepubescent arousal at the sight of the bikini-clad Miss Mary Goodnight.
Doug:
Hey, I'll be the first to admit to anyone that I'm hostile to witches. They are all haggy and ugly and shit.
Doug:
I mean, c'mon, nobody fucks with The Bard.
Doug:
Yeah, the dude is ringing up triples on the gun.
Mike:
Can you friggin' imagine?
Doug:
Something wicked this way comes.
Mike:
Hell, yeah, he does.
Doug:
And Smoltzy feels being with the Sox
is a perfect fit
because the Red Sox in developing young talent and being competitive year in and out have replaced the Braves as the premier organization in baseball.
Mike:
Premiere is so right.
Mike:
It's like this. While the other clubs are papah towels, the Red Sox are friggin' ShamWows.
Doug:
Absolutely. I mean if the Red Sox ran the mortgage industry there nevah would have been a bubble to collapse.
Mike:
Seriously. If the Red Sox ran the automobile industry, we'd all by driving flying cars by now.
Doug:
Flying cars powered by batteries.
Mike:
Batteries so green and sustainable they'd convert one's own urine to raw energy.
Doug:
Are you kidding me, if the Red Sox ran the world there would be freely available porn on every computer and mobile device …
Doug:
Oh, right — Thanks, Theo!
Mike:
Long time coming. Richly deserved.
Al:
Williams to Yastrzemski to Rice … What a legacy.
Al:
And that reminds me, I'm so, so glad I will nevah evah have to read or hear anothah stats-blinded noob who nevah had the priviledge to watch Jimbo play go on and on about how "undeserving" Rice is for the Hall.
Mike:
"His career OBP was only .352 whaa-whaa-whaa."
Doug:
Yeah, let me Shamwow that smug off your face, bitches. Jim Rice is the mofo Hall of Fame man.
Marty:
Somebody needs to tell Theo Epstein to stop watching reruns of House.
Bill:
For instance, remembah Beckett's blistahs? Solved.
Bill:
And need I mention the Bloody Sock game?
Marty:
Oh, right, Dr. Ketchup! How can I forget.
Marty:
But the truth is, Bill, this is this the same medical staff that completely misdiagnosed Schilling last year, nearly made Pedro's arm, and the same medical staff that lets the team get
decimated by the common flu every single season.
Marty:
Buy yourself a clue. All you guys are doing is trying to spend the money you didn't spend when you got your asses played by Teixeira.
Bill:
Mahty, have you evah heard the phrase, "In Theo We Trust."
Marty:
You know, Callaghan, I'm going to make a rare concession and admit that, yes, Theo has made some arful moves — picking up Ortiz who was languishing with the Twins, getting Schilling, trading Nomar …
Marty:
But he's had some duds, too, and I think this offseason will prove his worst move, or rather lack of moves, ever.
Marty:
Take a look, Bill, this April you'll pretty much be fielding the same team as last April minus Manny.
Marty:
You guys are going to be sniffing third place all season.
Bill:
And how's that smell, Mahts, since you spent so much time there last year?
Marty:
It stinks, Billy Boy, which is why the Yankees went out, kicked ass, and assembled a team that will dominate the AL East.
Bill:
Getting a little ahead of ourselves aren't we?
Marty:
C'mon, you can't be telling me that all you Bill James wannabes up their in New England aren't looking at the same projections that we are.
Bill:
You still actually have to, you know, play the games, Mahts.
Bill:
Before you get your binaries all sweaty ovah there,
HAL, here's a question for you —
How many computer simulations projected the Red Sox coming back from the Oh-and-3 hole in the 2004 ALDS?
Bill:
Yeah, that's right, Mahts. Put that in your Turing Machine and smoke it.
Mike:
Christ, I know I'm getting old when I see Oklahoma's Sam Bradford in the post-game losah's pressah and my first thought is "Jeez, isn't it past that kid's bedtime?"
Mike:
I mean what is he like 14?
Al:
I mean haven't they been to something like 4 BCS games and lost every single one?
Mike:
"Okie use' ta mean you was from Oklahoma. Now it means you're a dirty son-of-a-bitch."
Al:
I think their coach needs to take a long, hahd look in the mirror.
Mike:
Yeah, with that much season ending choking on the bit I wouldn't be surprised if Bob Stoop had some connection to the Yankees.
Doug:
Ah, yes, the ol' "Six Degrees of Miseration"
Doug:
Fuck, yeah. Clap.Clap. ClapClapClap.
Mike:
So back before the Tampa Bay was good …
Susan/Circle:
Not so long ago.
Mike:
Exactly, back when they were the Deevil Rays and they sucked, and they threw at our guys heads …
Susan/Circle:
And Batshit Tavarez went batshit.
Mike:
Right and Batshit when kung fu with cleats and all that …
Mike:
Still, I always looked forward to one thing in the Boston v Tampa Bay series …
Susan/Circle:
Rocco Hussein Baldelli.
Susan/Circle:
So we're not worried about his health issues?
Mike:
And second, he's getting his treatment in Boston the same city he'll be playing in.
Susan/Circle:
Home of the greatest medical staffs and hospitals in the entiah world.
Mike:
And he'll be taking his meals here.
Susan/Circle:
Home of the greatest
seafood
in all the world.
Mike:
And he'll be getting cheered here.
Susan/Circle:
Home of the greatest sports fans in all the world.
Mike:
And he'll be returning to where he grew up.
Susan/Circle:
Home of the greatest Woonsocket in all the world.
Mike:
Can I get a witness?
Susan/Circle:
Fishmongah, wrap it up, we're eating haddock tonight!
Al:
You know, aftah
seeing Teixeira
at his Yankees pressah yestahday, I'm convinced this guy was born to be a Yankee.
Al:
I mean, c'mon, the smile, the pearly whites, the clean cut corporate look, the
Stepford wife
… if that doesn't spell out Y-A-N-K-E-E-S, I don't know what does.
Doug:
Seriously, what a no-no hole bleachin sycophant this guy is. "Don Mattingly was my Idol." Fucking-A, unctuous.
Mike:
Hey, you've got to tip your cap to the Yankees, though, for being clevah enough to wave the right carrot.
Doug:
Yeah, well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Al:
OK, so here's anothah way to look at it. When Teixeira was wooed, he is impresses by a smoke and mirrors computer demo of digitalized images of what Teixeira might look like as he ran out of the dugout at the new Yankee Stadium.
Al:
Schilling, on the othah hand, when being wooed back in '03 was impressed by the level of Red Sox fan knowledge and enthusiasm as expressed on Sons of Sam Horn.
Al:
Compare and contrast. I'm just sayin'
Mike:
Eithah way, in this case I'm willing to let Cashman have the final word: "Winning the winter means squat. I want to win the summer."
Doug:
Let me guess — Yankees are hot stove winnerz and in all their January greatness they'll finally cast the Red Sux into oblivion this season.
Bill:
Heh. Yeah, that and Theo is an idiot, of course, for standing pat.
Doug:
Ah, poor Mahty and his Yanks both fail to learn the lesson of 2008 -- We've entered the era of the young, steroid-free playah.
Bill:
Well those are certainly two topics about which the Yankees know little.
Doug:
And, of course, the othah lesson of 08 was the importance of great defense.
Bill:
Absolutely. That Tampa Bay went from worst defense in the league and last place on 07, to one of the two best in the AL and a trip to the World Series is telling.
Doug:
Unless you're the Yankees who continue to pahty like it's 1999 with all bat and and a 9 guys who move like tired cattle.
Bill:
And let's not forget that lahge payroll sometimes does translate into winning. Not very often but it does happen.
Doug:
Yeah, from what I've read, only twice in the past 30 years has a team won the World Series with a $100 million payroll.
Bill:
Gee, I wondah what team that was?
Doug:
Welcome to the Red Sox Century, bitches.
