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Marty:
[Sound of a phone ringing] Ah, c'mon, Billy Boy, pick it up why don't ya …
Empty office, Bill's voicemail picks up:
[Bill's voicemail greeting] "You've reached the desk of Bill Callaghan. I'll be out of the office on vacation until January 5th …"
Marty:
Hah, and by January the Yankees will have probably signed a few more premier free agents while Theo Epstein stands around with his thumb up his ass.
Marty:
Oh, wait, wait, my bad. Theo *is* about to sign those two titans of baseball legend, Josh Bard and Brad Penny. Oh, the boy genius strikes again. How can we Yankees ever hope to compete with such "smarts"?
Marty:
Bwahaha! Suck it Red Sawx fans.
Bill:
I don't know if it's a sign of being jaded or just supremely cocksure, but the
Yankees signing Teixeira
has left me with an overwhelming sense of "meh, whatevah."
Mike:
I think it's the lattah, total confidence.
Mike:
I mean a paht of me just wants to chuckle at the enormity of the Yankees fear and
desperation.
Bill:
And let's always remembah what Theo said way back in 2003 — We'll nevah outspend the Yankees, so we'll just have to out smaht them.
Mike:
So fah, smahts 2, spending nil.
Bill:
And, oh, yeah, almost forgot — Celtics in first place, Bruins in first place, Patriots in first place.
Mike:
We are living in the epicentah of the greatest sports city the world has evah known.
Bill:
Seriously, we've got your gold, frankincense and myrrh right heah.
Doug:
Ok, so I've been thinking …
Doug:
It's like this …
Remembah the joke
saying that George Bush was a man born on 3rd base who thought he hit a triple.
Mike:
Yep, coasting on privilege and all that.
Doug:
Well, I'm glad you bought into it because here's my tweaked for 2009 version — Caroline Kennedy is a woman born on home plate who thinks she hit a walkoff homah.
Mike:
Dude, don't mess with the daughtah of Camelot, they're our Royalty.
Doug:
I'm sure John Adams and Paul Revere would just love to hear you saying that. I mean it's not like they fought a revolution or anything to break free of the tyranny of monarchy.
Doug:
OK who and the frig are the Sons of Bill Simmons? And they have "sources?" WTF?
Mike:
Hey, it's the interwebs guy. No holds barred.
Doug:
Christ, I expect to wake up tomorrow to find the
Spaghetti Cat
announcing an imminent trade of Mike Lowell.
Doug:
Hey, Bore-ass, looks like your client isn't going to have to work to hahd to "narrow his choices" since they've being narrowed by default.
Bill:
So who is still in the bidding — Yankees, Orioles, and Nationals?
Bill:
Wait did you just use the words "Yankees" and "cut payroll" in the same sentence?
Doug:
Yeah, absurd, right?
Bill:
Seriously, the Yankees talking about cutting payroll is like Nicole Kidman talking about
laying off the Botox.
Doug:
How did we go from one of the richest teams in all of baseball to Dickensian paupahs in just a couple months.
Mike:
I'm guessing that is was years and not dollahs that sent the Sox packing.
Al:
Hey, at least now we don't have to worry if it'd be Lowell or Youks who would be expendable with Teixeira on board.
Doug:
This is the worst hot stove season evah.
Mike:
Sometimes the best move is no move at all.
Doug:
Yeah, well, if come midsummah we are Olivah Twist getting the tah beat out of us the the Yankees as
Fagin, then we'll see if you're singing the same tune.
Mike:
Chiil, guy. I mean for all the Yankees offseason spending,
people are still saying stuff like this: "That's not a baseball team. That's the cast of 'The Big Chill,' with Cano playing the Meg Tilly character."
Mike:
Because, you know, Damon's move to the Yankees has worked out so well and all.
Susan/Circle:
Can you imagine the conversation?
"Hey, A.J. New York is where you wanna be. It's the ballz, dude. I mean it's not like Boston where there's always all that pressure to win. Here you just kick back and collect the checks."
Mike:
"And, oh, almost forgot to mention, if you do start to feel any stress or anything, A-Rod's got the name of a really good shrink."
Susan/Circle:
Of course, the Yankees aren't done spending.
Susan/Circle:
I think Chrysler and GM should stop waiting around on Congress and go directly to the Hank Steinbrennah for a bailout.
Mike:
Are you kidding me? Blagojevich should sell the Yankees Obama's vacant Senate seat.
Mike:
Wait, isn't that Madonna's tag line?
Al:
So if we have to face the fact that the Yankees signed "Monstah Ace" Sabathia, at least we can chuckle ovah how they bid against themselves to sign him.
Doug:
Honestly, though, when I think of CC Sabathia, the image that pops into my head is not a seven-year, $161 million "monstah ace" …
Doug:
No, the vision that I have is of the guy sitting on the bench with a towel on his head starting out at the field with empty, hallow eyes and totally shellshocked from the Red Sox offensive barrage in the 2007 playoffs.
Al:
Seriously, that is one of my top 10 best Red Sox memories evah!
Mike:
Nothing bettah than bitch slapping a supposed ace.
Al:
Eithah way, though, the Yankees are fah from done as fah as the wallet goes.
Mike:
Of course not. I mean they have no choice do they?
Mike:
They've gone 0-fer-the-Century in world champ pennants, their coup of signing A-Rod has been a disastah, their coup of signing Damon hasn't done squat, they're still demoralized from being whoop-assed by the Red Sox, last year they didn't even make the playoffs, and, oh yeah, they're moving into a new stadium and have priced out a lot of long time fans.
Mike:
They've gotta spend and spend hahd.
Doug:
Absolutely. The Yankees are gonna be going through cash like a sexually unsatisfied businessman with a loosely audited expanse account on an out of town business trip at a Texas titty bah.
Doug:
And one of the strippahs is lactating.
Mike:
Funny thing is at the end of the season the Yankees will feel pretty much like that dude the next morning — full of regret, hungovah, blue balled …
Doug:
And smelling of sour milk.
Doug:
Ah, well, you know how it goes — Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Bill:
What nevah fails to crack me up with this stuff is the implicit patronizing.
Doug:
Yeah, It's always some variation of "we didn't hate them until they won."
Bill:
Like this dude writes, "The Red Sox weren’t really hateable; just rivals. They were a good team, with long-suffering fans and a history of painful losses.
But once the Red Sox won in 2004 and then again in 2007, it seemed as if some – and I’m not saying all or most, because there are a lot of classy Red Sox fans out there – forgot that history."
Doug:
Love that bit about there being "a lot of classy Red Sox fans out there" as if some dickweed from Baltiore is a ultimate arbiter of "classy."
Bill:
But the thing I don't get is why do so many people, like this guy, assume we've forgotten everything that happened pre-2004 just because we take joy and pride ovah the World Series victories?
Doug:
Yeah, how dare us for being happy.
Bill:
Seriously, you know if you'd just be a lot more mopey and melancholy, it'd make fans of losah teams like Baltimore feel a lot bettah about themselves.
Doug:
You've gotta wondah if these dips carry the same sort of grudge beyond sports … "Look at the sonavabitch Mr. Recovery ovah there all smiles and enjoying life. I liked him so much more when he was dying from cancah."
Bill:
Really, it's like he's forgotten he was evah sick and hairless from the chemo.
Doug:
And just because he's fine now doesn't mean that shit can't come back, you know.
Bill:
Yeah show some class and stop acting like you're bettah than us "Mr. Isn't It Great Just to be Alive!" ovah there because you're still going to die one day.
Mike:
Big friggin' whoop.
Doug:
I love the smell of desperation in the morning.
Doug:
Christ, was that smaht Theo move or what? An MVP second baseman potentially locked up until 2015 at a very reasonable price? Winnerz!
Mike:
And could the contrast between Pedroia signing now, and most likely taking fah less money than if he waited to free agent eligibility because he's in a place "he loves" stand in any greatah contrast than the Manny Being Shenaniganny scene last summah?
Doug:
Damn you Global Financial Crisis™!
Al:
Well, maybe if Manny doesn't get the money he expects, he can petition Congress for a bailout?
Mike:
Yeah, I can see it now …
Barney Frank: "Mr. Ramirez, your report to the Committee detailing why we should grant you taxpayah money contains only a single line: 'Manny sees the ball. Manny hits the ball.'
"Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
Manny Ramirez: "Yes, sir, also my grandmother she is very sick."
Doug:
But what about poor Boras?
Mike:
Congress should just go ahead and make Boras a big cheese in the State Department so he can use his negotiating savvy with foreign nut jobs … "Mr. Ahmadinejad, meet Mr. Boras, Mr. Scott Boras."
Doug:
"Damn you Boras you infidel scum for talking us into overpaying for these centrifuges well past their prime!"
Bill:
OK, I confess that I was hoping Theo would dish a little Thanksgiving gravy for us like he did with Schilling in '03.
Doug:
A "little" gravy? Are you kidding me? That was the best Thanksgiving evah!
Bill:
Seriously. I won't sit here and pretend that Theo's pulling Schilling out of the cornucopia that year had me convinced they'd win it all the following season.
Bill:
But I and every other Red Sox fan knew deep down in his or her mashed potatoes that by getting Schilling, Theo had sent a signal that he the gang on Yawkey Way had turned every knob up to 11.
Doug:
What a turning point in Red Sox history.
Bill:
Yeah, and now here we are all fat and happy.
Bill:
Yep. That's it. The Red Sox have become nothing more than a has been Madonna in a Rihanna world.
Doug:
Yep it's all downhill now.
Bill:
Until we totally hit the bottom.
