Lisa the Temp:
Remember, peeps, while the Soxaholix are on vacation, that masshole Dog Roy continues to Tweet.
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Lisa's PSA
Posted on 2008.07.29 | Permalink | Comments (119)
Lazy, hazy days...
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I'm in vacation mode and just too chilled to punch out a strip today … I'm sure you guys have something good to yak about though.
Posted on 2008.07.28 | Permalink | Comments (32)
Wearing his hat like a left hander
Bill:
OK, we can all relax now because word is Tim McCahvah is "primed" for the series with NY.
Mike:
Thank your favorite beareded prophet for the small miracles.
Bill:
But, hey, at least McCahvah pulled his head out of his ass long enough to admit that "Now the Yankees are looking up to the Red Sox."
Mike:
Well, I'm sure that quote was taken out of context.
Mike:
The full McCahvah treatment was probably more like this:
"Now the Yankees are looking up to the Red Sox. But with a team like the Yankees you've got to wonder how temporary this is? I mean a guy like Derek Jeter, like most of us, has 20 digits. Ten fingers. Ten toes. And while Red Sox fans don't want to hear it, Derek Jeter has some of the nicest toes to ever play the game."
Bill:
Guess it'll be anothah Fox Saturday game with the TV sound off and the radio on.
Mike:
Or we could leave it on and take a drink whenevah McCarvah says something stupid.
Bill:
Are you kidding me? We'd be lit by the middle of the first.
Mike:
True. By the time the game really got going we'd be as shit faced as my Uncle Murph was at my sistah Sheiler's wedding.
Bill:
Is he still on probation?
Mike:
Ah, we don't like to talk about it.
Posted on 2008.07.25 | Permalink | Comments (46)
Neither drunk, obnoxious, or stupid (well, not at the moment, at least)
Doug:
Nothing like a 12 inning win and the first sweep in Seattle in 15 years to put everyone in a happy place.
Bill:
No kidding. And how about that much maligned bullpen dialing up 62/3 innings of four-hit, scoreless relief?
Bill:
Can't ask for a bettah prelude to a Yankees series in Fenway.
Doug:
And, of course, it wouldn't be the eve of a Yankees series if someone in the media didn't type out yet anothah in the long, nevah ending series of columns bemoaning the "Yankees Suck" chant.
Bill:
Seriously. As much as I don't like the chant eithah, I find the media scolding fans like an uptight nanny to be even more annoying.
Doug:
What I especially love about the media castigation is how every anti-chant column has the columnist getting all breathless that he and he alone has discovahed the elusive logical fallacy that "the Yankees, you know, don't really suck so you shouldn't say that they do."
Doug:
I mean, OK, Steven fucking Hawking. Thanks for clearing that shit up for me.
Bill:
I don't think the chant was ever meant to be taken literally. Instead it's just a concise and one could argue catchy way to express Boston fans' general disdain with all things Yankee.
Doug:
Absolutely. It's like when the "Who let the dogs out?" thing was really populah at football games earliah in the decade. How come our erudite caretakahs in the media weren't advising us that, you know, there really weren't any dogs let out? Dogs are not even allowed in the stadium you stupid dumb ass retahted fans.
Bill:
Remembah, people. Whatevah you do don't embarrass your bettahs in the media else they become tainted by your local yokelism and then get looked down upon by their peers in the ivory towah.
Posted on 2008.07.24 | Permalink | Comments (20)
The are the days
Mike:
Oh, Matsuzaka you frustrating little enigma you mdash; One night you're "mastahful" and the next staht you can't hit the broadside of a bahn.
Bill:
Hey, but at least Dice-K's only flaky on the mound, unlike some othah guys.
Mike:
Heh. You know Manny Being Manny aside, what really was unsettling about that was this line: "It became clear to those watching that the policeman had no idea who Ramirez was"
Mike:
I mean if had been a playah of equal stature as Manny from the NBA or the NFL, I bet the cop would have recognized him immediately.
Bill:
Well, you know how it is: Because of labah issues MLB decided to forever forgo promoting individual playahs in favah of promoting the game as a whole.
Mike:
[Sings] Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? / A dumbass nation turns its eyes to Verne / Tro-o-yer
Bill:
Yeah, well, I'm willing to accept that baseball is no longah the National Pastime and is now just one of hundreds of entertainment choices in exchange for what we have today.
Bill:
Text msg updates, HDTV, DVRs, MLB Extra Innings, the At Bat iPhone app, the web, blogs, any stat but a click away, streaming video, Sexysoxgirls.com …
Mike:
Not too mention 2 World Series in 4 years.
Bill:
Seriously, let Simon and G-Funk get drunk on nostalgia, I'll take the 2000s ovah the 50s and 60s any day of the week.
Posted on 2008.07.23 | Permalink | Comments (15)
A pennant race brings out the best in all of us
Marty:
OK, Callaghan, here's one for you …
A Yankees Asst. GM, a Yankees superstar slugger, and a Yankees equipment manager are flying at 30,000 toward Cooperstown …
Bill:
Is this going to involve math?
Marty:
So here they are, 3 different sorts of Yankees, superstar to lowly equipment man, flying along when suddenly there is engine trouble …
Bill:
[Gasps mockingly]
Marty:
One of the wings catches fire, and the plane starts to go down.
Bill:
OH NOZE!!
Marty:
Luckily there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is textbook and orderly. Why? Because that is the Yankees' way, of course. It's funny because it's true.
Bill:
Ah, Mahts, I hate to break it to you but that's neithah true nor funny.
Marty:
You know what's not funny Callaghan? Sidney Ponson that's what.
Marty:
Remember not so long ago when you Suxaholix were all "The Yankees are so desperate that they signed washed up loser Sidney Ponson … Hardee har har har!"
Bill:
Actually, Mahts, it was more of a "Haahdee hah hah hah" sort of thing.
Marty:
Yeah, well, Ponson continues to be convincing on the mound and is now 6-1 on the season and the Yankees are now just a game behind the Twins for second place in the Wild Card chase, and stand a decent chance of sweeping their way into Boston this weekend. Who's laughing now, dickhead?
Bill:
Hey, Mahty, do you have a little red white and blue top hat resting on a baseball bat tatooed on your pubis? I hear they're all the rage this year.
Marty:
That's it Bill. Fiddle away like Nero up and down Newbury St while all around your 2 World Series "empire" burns and crumbles into dust. Assuming there's anything left, I'll see you in October with a bunch of brooms to sweep that sorry Boston mess up.
Bill:
Did you say Octobah? OK. I'll put in a call to both Jordan Mahsh and Filene's to make sure they have plenty of white gloves and black, patent leathah purses on hand … It's the least I can do for a pal like you.
Continue reading "A pennant race brings out the best in all of us" »
Posted on 2008.07.22 | Permalink | Comments (39)
Weekend surprise
Mike:
Well, that was fugly.
Doug:
This was my weekend:
Txt msg from MLB: 'Red Sox take 2 run lead over the Angels.'
Me: Hell, yeah, that's right.
Followed thereafter with,
Txt msg from MLB: 'Red Sox lose to the Angels.'
Me: Ah, Jesus wept.
Al:
You think that's bad, you should hear the story Roland in FinOps was telling earlier …
Mike:
Is he that deadpan guy who everyone says reminds them of Steve Wright?
Al:
One in the same … Anyway, so ol' Rolo is down in New London for his cousin's wedding and at the recep he hooks up with some chick.
Al:
Doesn't know her from Adam but it's all playing out hot and heavy and next thing you know Rolo's back at her hotel all humminah humminah humminah.
Al:
All well and good, right? Well, see, next morning, in the light of day, Rolo's getting ready to take a trip downtown
Doug:
Goin' clammin!
Al:
Exactly! But just then he notices a tat this chick's got got on her pubis — A little red white and blue top hat resting on a baseball bat.
Doug:
Get the fuck out! Bitch is a Yankees fan?!
Al:
Yep. Sleeping with the enemy is one thing, the chick is brick oven hot after all and Rolo's no Justin Timberlake, if you know what I mean.
Al:
But Rolo, as much as he's ready to take one for the team and have anothah go, you know, he doesn't want to press up against that Yankees logo or anything.
Mike:
So what's he do?
Al:
Well what Rolo does is go all 2004 ALCS: He rolls her ovah and comes from behind.
Doug:
There it is. Bottle it.
Posted on 2008.07.21 | Permalink | Comments (17)
Worth waiting for
Doug:
I'm glad the iPhone 3g is selling out so I don't have to see any more numfucks lining up like mindless Eminiarians obediently reporting to the disintegration chambahs.
Doug:
In my mind there's only one thing worth waiting in a line like that for and even then ther bettah be fluffahs to help pass the time.
Mike:
Really? Because I'd wait in line to see Papi at McCoy.
Doug:
OK. I stand corrected.
Posted on 2008.07.18 | Permalink | Comments (14)
ASG Break
Your omniscient author in absentia:
As I mentioned yesterday, The Soxaholix are taking the day off (even Lisa the Temp as well).
Posted on 2008.07.17 | Permalink | Comments (13)
C'mon Yankees fans, don't fear the Reaper
Bill:
"But the crowd's bloodlust for Papelbon - who unfairly had been portrayed as less than properly reverential toward resident closer Mariano Rivera - trumped its desire for an AL victory. Thunderous boos rained down as Papelbon jogged in from the dugout to start the eighth.
The boos gave way to a singsong chant of "Ma-ree-a-no," which was followed by a mocking 'Oh-ver-ra-ted.'"
Bill:
You stay classy, New York.
Mike:
Well, it's like Will Leitch wrote shortly aftah getting ambushed by Buzz Bissinger on the Costas Now show:
"The simplest, most obvious emotion that comes when we are faced with what we do not understand is fear, followed quickly by rage."
Mike:
There was a time, not very long I ago I might add, when Yankees fans would have looked upon a guy like Papelbon and the Red Sox as a whole with a sarcastic bemusement totally secure with the knowledge that in the end the Yankees would win and the Red Sox would lose.
Mike:
But now rather than confidence they project fear and rage. It's a beautiful thing to behold, really.
Bill:
Yeah, have I told you before how much I'm enjoying the first paht of the 21st Century?
Mike:
Only about 300 times …
Bill:
Go Red Sox - Defending World Champions.
Continue reading "C'mon Yankees fans, don't fear the Reaper" »
Posted on 2008.07.16 | Permalink | Comments (55)
Midsummer Classic blah blah blah
Doug:
OK, I've come to expect the breathless, treacly, hype that surrounds the yearly All Stah Game and for the most paht I've learned to tune it out …
Doug:
But I gotta tell ya, this year's 24/7 media dry hump of Yankee Stadium is just too fucking much to bear.
Al:
No shit. I keep thinking, if that place is so friggin' great, then why are they bulldozing it?
Mike:
Ah, c'mon, haven't you heard? It's Baseball's Cathedral.
Doug:
Hmmm a Cathedral, eh? That's funny because I've always thought of it more as a temple …
Doug:
You know, a temple to the goddess Karniji.
Al:
So Theo is looking for shortstops again. God friggin' help us.
Doug:
Yeah, Theo, we love you and all, but maybe you should leave the whole shortstop thingy to someone else? I'm just saying.
Mike:
Seriously. Theo and shortstops is about as efficacious as Amy Winehouse and personal hygiene.
Posted on 2008.07.15 | Permalink | Comments (28)
Oh, yeah, uh-huh, that's right...
Bill:
So you know how some people say that Boston fans are nothing but a bunch of arrogant pricks and Massholes extraordinaire?
Bill:
Well, I'm pretty sure they're talking about me this morning.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? My ego is so big it needs its own department of homeland security to keep the riff raff out.
Bill:
Hello, Tampa Bay? I'd like you to meet my two friends, "PECOTA" and "Regression to the Mean"
Doug:
Mothafofo first place at the All Stah Break!
Bill:
The preordained chosen ones have once again secured their rightful place as fulfillahs of providential destiny.
Doug:
Memo to all the hatahs: Kiss my hairy but waxed, Franco-American, callipygian ass.
Bill:
There it is. Bottle it, bitches.
Posted on 2008.07.14 | Permalink | Comments (27)
I once was lost but now am found
Mike:
Best. Photo. Evah.
Bill:
Hell, yeah it is. I mean even the Messiah is down with it.
Mike:
Pinto already observed this, but what takes that pic to a highah plane is that Manny is the "O" in L-O-S-T.
Bill:
Heh, speaking of Pinto, you think he's getting wood for the Summah Olympics or what?
Bill:
I mean aftah he made curling his special friend in 2006, you gotta figure he's eagerly anticipating live blogging some opaque and inglorious summah sport as well.
Mike:
I'm thinking he's ripe for taking 50 metah walking undah his live blogging wing …
BM: They're starting to walk.
BM: [Update] They're all bunched up but still walking.
BM: [Update] They are still walking, man, these cats look so, I don't know, Olympian with their walking.
BM: [Update] Walking continues apace.
BM: [Update] They're all bunched up but still walking.
BM: [Update] OMG it looks like the Latvian is about to break from the pack.
BM: [Update] The Latvian has broken away!!! He's walking away with this thing!!!!
Bill:
We kid because we love.
Posted on 2008.07.11 | Permalink | Comments (21)
Strike a pose
Al:
Well, let me be the first to say it — They should have saved some of those runs because there'll be a game soon when they'll wish they had them. Heh.
Doug:
Unbelievable. And to think just last week we were getting out our pitchforks and torches to round up the witches and demons.
Mike:
It's embarrassing really. I mean aftah 2 World Series and all that they entailed, all it takes is a 5 game loosing streak and we staht coming apaht at the seams?
Al:
Yeah, well, old habits die hahd.
Doug:
Speaking of old and dead, how 'bout them Yankees crawling out of their crypt to take anothah from the Rays?
Mike:
While I appreciate their help in getting us to within 2 of regaing our rightly appointed place as the Division leadah, I don't think Yankees fans should get too excited.
Doug:
Seriously. Thinking the Yankees are going to be back on top this season is as dubious as thinking that Madonna will evah again lead fashion or music trends.
Al:
Once you've become a hasbeen you remain as hasbeen. It's a universal law. You can look it up.
Doug:
That's why A-Rod and Madonna make such a great couple. His and her hasbeens.
Mike:
Vogue meets the dropping-the-shoulder move.
Doug:
[Sings] Come on, vogue / Let your shouldah drop on the basepaths / Hey hey hey
Posted on 2008.07.10 | Permalink | Comments (29)
Plenty of fight left
Bill:
Well would you lookie there … The Red Sox get a come from behind win and their second one run win in as many days.
Doug:
And both wins were the result of Manny "He's Lost It!" Ramirez. Go figure.
Bill:
Yeah, I guess we should keep the old, decaying bum around a little longah.
Doug:
And though I risk making my head implode by saying, the Yankees got the job done with Tampa Bay, too.
Bill:
Kazmir only last 5 innings and hasn't gotten past the 6th in last 5 stahts. Does this spell trouble for the Rays down the road?
Doug:
As much as I want the Rays to come down to earth, I loathe the thought of the Yankees getting back into this thing.
Bill:
Me too. But speaking of the Yankees, can anyone confirm that Boss Jr was in Guyana recently?
Posted on 2008.07.09 | Permalink | Comments (38)
Timing's off
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I've got to mail in a raincheck today, as I'm still working on the Iron Ref piece. Yeah, yeah, that's only 300 words and should be a breeze to knock out, but my metaphorical bat speed isn't what it used to be so sometimes I just have to settle for the timely single.
Posted on 2008.07.08 | Permalink | Comments (34)
Are we up for it?
Mike:
Christ, it wasn't so much losing the final two games of that series so much as they way those two losses went down that erased any pleasure generated from the staht of the long weekend.
Doug:
Yeah, it was all fluffah and no money shot.
Al:
Let's hope that doesn't turn out to be the case for the entiah season.
Mike:
Bob Ryan says "several seeds of doubt have been planted."
Doug:
Are you kidding me? At this point the seeds haven't only been planted but have been planted in a nutrient rich hydro solution under an 18hrs of sodium halide grow cycle.
Al:
C'mon, you really think the Rays are going to play this way all season?
Mike:
Absolutely not. But I don't think they'll collapse eithah.
Mike:
And at 7 back in the loss column, the climb back to the top will be difficult. Doable but difficult.
Al:
Maybe we should just focus on making the postseason and not winning the Division?
Mike:
Well, we could, but that sorta deflates the enthusiasm doesn't it?
Doug:
Fluffah! I need a fluffah ovah heah.
Posted on 2008.07.07 | Permalink | Comments (29)
This too shall pass
Susan/Circle:
Ah, Jesus, swept by Tampon Bay? C'mon.
Mike:
Hey, now, let's chill a bit.
Mike:
Let's not forget that the 2004 Championship team was swept by Texas in May and was swept by the MFY's to staht July.
Mike:
And last year's Championship club was swept by Seattle in the June 5th series, was swept by Detroit in July, was swept by the MFY's in late August, and was swept by Toronto as late as mid-Septembah.
Mike:
These things happen.
Susan/Circle:
Frankly, I'm not really persuaded nor coaxed by comparisons.
Susan/Circle:
I mean a friggin' chimp shares 98% of the same DNA as a human, but last time I checked, a chimp's still a chimp.
Mike:
Yeah, well, head ovah to Reveah Beach this weekend and you may conclude the chimps got the bettah end of that deal.
Posted on 2008.07.03 | Permalink | Comments (62)
Let he who has ears listen
A reading from the Book of Papi …
Mike:
… And after seasons of great joy, a shadow passed ovah the land …
Mike:
And even the stoutest of heart began to wondah, began to worry …
Mike:
And some began to speak of the most unspeakable things …
Mike:
And the false prophets, cowed and silenced during the good times, fed on the negative and their hoary voices again found listeners among the fearful …
Mike:
And the Big Man, El Papi, witnessed these dahk goings on and his most benevolent heart ached for his people …
Mike:
Thus he spoke:
"I'm going to activate myself even if I’m hurt because I have the sword that can control the beast of Manny Ramirez.
"Everything is going to be OK."
Mike:
And the people were made whole again and there was a great rejoicing.
Al:
Amen.
Doug:
Praise be the Ortiz!
Posted on 2008.07.02 | Permalink | Comments (30)
Thou shalt not kill the rally
Bill:
Christ, it's going to take me awhile still to get my head around this no longah cellah dwellah Rays situation.
Bill:
I mean we just got sizzled in the first game of a 3 game series and now trail the Rays by a game and a half in the division, and my first reaction continues to be, Meh, it's only the Tay Bay Rays, who cares?
Mike:
Yeah, well, it's time to wake up — for the moment at least, the Rays are the real deal.
Bill:
Well, even if I wake up, it won't guarantee that Francoma will.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, he's been the skip of two glorious Championship teams and henceforth is shielded from criticism, but still … Letting line-out lead bat Lugo bat with the tying run at third is insane.
Mike:
Ah, you know, it's not like Casey is hitting 7/20 .350 .381 .550 .931 versus LHP this season and .413 .489 .448 .937 in 368 ABs versus LHP over the last 3 seasons or anything.
Bill:
It's time for a group of dahk-suited Jehovah's Witnesses to stop by the Red Sox clubhouse and leave behind a few copies of AWAKE! magazine.
Mike:
Yeah, I heard the the next issue is going to be a special feature: "Is Julio Lugo the AntiChrist?"
Posted on 2008.07.01 | Permalink | Comments (19)
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