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Your omniscient author in absentia:
Update 03/04 a.m.:
The docs have found the problem with my wife: Endocarditis, infection of the heart valves.
At least the rest of the week in the hospital, then 6 weeks of home I.V. antibiotics after that.
They are hopeful they caught this early enough for the antibiotics to be successful.
I want to get back into a regular routine, including doing Soxaholix, as a way to occupy my mind, but that may not be for a few days or so.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Update 03/03 a.m.:
My wife is still in the hospital with no improvement and not definitive answer on what is causing the symptoms.
As you can imagine, the goings on in Spring Training have been off my radar.
Thanks so much for all the "get well" sentiments for Mrs. H.B. Hopefully, everything will return to normal soon.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
[Previous, 02/29] So while I'm feeling much better, my wife isn't doing so well.
Took her to the E.R. late last night with what we thought was just complications from a bad flu, turns out it isn't. Long story short, she's been admitted to the hospital and I'll be out of the Soxaholix mind-frame in the meantime.
Meanwhile, remember that recent strip about doctors and their egos? Turns out these creepy, fictional characters can be downright prescient at times!
Mike:
You wanna know how big the Red Sox are?
Al:
Oh, come on, Mike, Cheney was only there to make sure that David Ortiz's immigration papahs were all in ordah.
Doug:
OK you two moveon moonbats, as much as you hate Bush, you've got to give my guy props for his jokes. I mean that "I guess Manny's grandmother died again" line was comic gold.
Mike:
You mean his speechwritah's line.
Doug:
Look, it takes more than having the line, it's in the delivery. You can't pull that stuff off unless you're actually a baseball fan. I mean, c'mon, do I need to remind you of John Kerry and "Manny Ortez"?
Mike:
OK, OK touché. When George W. Bush isn't busy destroying the world, he does probably follow the game like a true fan. There, satisfied?
Doug:
OMG aren't we magnanimously bipartisan today. Must be the Obamassiah?
Al:
Hey, I'll confess that I'm feeling pretty cocky right now about next Novembah.
Doug:
Well, while you tax and spendahs are feeling so upbeat, can I get a kind word in memory of the fathah of the modern conservative movement, William F. Buckley?
Al:
You're pushing it, guy, but, OK -- while I rarely agreed with Buckley, I'll admit the dude had some serious wit and style.
Mike:
Well, what do you expect — He was Irish.
Mike:
Think about it, some of the greatest political thinkahs of the past 50 yeahs have been Irish — Kennedy, O'Neil, Moynihan …
Continue reading "I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence." »
Not at full strength yet, but …
Doug:
See, if for no othah reason, you've got to love having Japanese pitchahs on your rostah just for the sheeah entertainment value in learning that Oki-san has a new pitch called, wait for it …
The Doki Doki.
Doug:
A hitter's count
Batter waits confidently
Wha? -- Doki Doki !
Al:
And Daisuke's got a new as yet unnamed pitch as well -- a two-seamah.
Mike:
Second full season,
stronger, a two-seamer blossoms
WHIP floats down softly.
Hart Brachen, your omniscient author in absentia:
Figured I'd give you another fresh comment area, despite my inability to continue the regular strips. Hopefully, this will end soon.
Meanwhile, Bartolo Colon?
Hart Brachen, your omniscient author in absentia:
Update: I'm feeling worse today than I did Friday. But, hey, at least the 103.7 fever I had over the weekend has subsided. For the body wracking cough? Not so much …
Hart:
Hart, here, on life's metaphysical trolley …
Hart:
Now I try not to believe in jinx, but just this past Weds, when yet another of my colleagues succumbed to the cold/flu bug going through the office, I did a little a jig and with great hubris I announced that it had been 8 years since I'd suffered a seasonal malady. Other things have crept up here and there but not the typical cold/flu thing.
Hart:
And you know where this is going …
Hart:
Yep, a little roller it seems has gotten by my defenses and planted itself firmly in my chest.
Hart:
So I'm popping a Musinex, drinking some fluids, and going back to bed. See you on the other side.
Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, I thought I'd call to give you the news from the Yankees Training Camp as I doubt you delusional New Englanders can take your heads out of your Red Sox asses long enough to see how you're going to lose the AL East this year …
Bill:
Now, Mahty, if I were you, I wouldn't be making any late Octobah plans just yet.
Bill:
Which reminds me, Mahts, I don't think you need to make any plans to be in Washington D.C. as a guest of your gal Hillary at her Inaugural Ball neithah.
Marty:
It's way too early, Callaghan, to count Senator Clinton out.
Bill:
What are you saying, Mahts, she's going to come back from the impossible 0-3 hole like the 2004 Red Sox?
Bill:
Hmmm, no disrespect intended but I don't think yoozeguyz from New York have it in you for something like that, but I can have Lisa the Temp Handbrake my 2004 ALCS DVDs and send them on ovah to you.
Bill:
Then you and your fellow Clintonistas can sit around getting all inspiahed from the greatest comeback of all time.
Marty:
Funny, Bill. But what's even funnier is how appropriate it is that you're supporting Obama. I mean he's a lot like the Red Sox isn't he, what with not much of a record and hyped by a Cult of Personality similar to Red Sox Nation?
Marty:
Don't forget, Hillary has real experience, just like the Yankees have 26 Pennants.
Bill:
Whatev, Mahts. But have you looked at the calendar lately? It's not the 199Os anymore. The Clinton years are ovah, just like the Yankees Dynasty is ovah.
Bill:
Embrace the change, Mahty, embrace it.
Al:
I think Schilling is on to something with this whole "medical egos" thing.
Doug:
Seriously. Your typical M.D. walks around with a chip on his or her shouldah the size of Mt. Katahdin.
Mike:
I don't know, I think you guys are being way too hard on the Docs. Ego-wise they are not even in the same league with, say, a U.S. Sentator or a sports columnist.
Al:
Yeah, but in a normal person's life, you're going to have fah more face-to-face interaction with your doctah than you are with your Sentator or with Dan Shaughnessy.
Doug:
And thank God for that. Can you imagine if the C.H.B. had decided to go into medicine?
Doug:
"Dr. Shaughnessy I'm having trouble with my knee."
"There is nothing wrong with your knee. You're faking. You're lazy. You're a quittah."
Doug:
"But, Doc, you haven't even looked at my knee."
"Look, who is wearing the white coat? Oh, right, it's me. And why is that? Oh, because I'm the doctah and you are not."
Doug:
"I think I want a second opinion, Dr. Shaughnessy."
"Oh, let me guess, you're going to go down to your mom's basement and get on your little computer and search your little internet. I don't have time for you homers. Look, it says right here on your chaht that you are in fact, "A piece of filth."
Al:
Christ, when you put it that way, I almost feel happy that Shank thinks he has a calling for being a writah.
Mike:
On the othah hand, if the CHB had taken his bloated ego into politics, the negative ads during his campaign would sure be entertaining.
Doug:
Memo to Gagne.
Distraction level of shooting yourself in the ass with HGH? Imperceptible.
Meanwhile, distraction level of blowing multiple games in August during a tight pennant race? Off the friggin' scale.
Bill:
Seriously, even though we ended up winning it all, I still hahbah a grudge against Gagne for what he put us through last year.
Doug:
Gagne should ask for a refund on his HGH, because it certainly didn't help the sonavabitch.
Bill:
Maybe what really happened is Gagne sent his imbecile personal assistant, Igor, to go get him Human Growth Hormone but what Igor actually got Gagne was Human Loath Hormone.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strips today (Friday) and Monday, as part of a long weekend I'm taking. I'm actually going to spend a good portion of today working on the Soxaholix site redesign. Hopefully, I'll make some real progress.
Until then …
Al:
Seriously. And the prospect of standing around here wasting breath on Roger Clemens is equally unappealing.
Doug:
Yeah, only problem is the chances of Clemens serving any time in jail are about as good as the chances of Obama becoming the Democrats' nominee.
Al:
Dude, what are you talking about? After yesterday's sweep, Obama is like Jacoby Ellsbury getting waved around third — He's going to come across home standing up.
Doug:
Look, it's like this. The Billary Clinton Political Machine can be turned up to 11 and so fah it's only running at a 3.
Doug:
When all is said and done, the Clintons will have a majority of the electorate convinced that Obama is a coke-snorting jihadist with a toe sucking fetish who is soft on crime.
Mike:
C'mon, Doug, aren't you're letting your right wing demonization of the Clintons get the best of you.
Doug:
Know your enemy, dude.
Al:
You're forgetting that Hillary and Obama are on the same side, they aren't enemies.
Doug:
Oh, you bleeding hahts are always so blind — Don't forget the Supah Delegates.
Doug:
Hillary is going to reach for those like Bucky Dent reaching for a corked bat. Game ovah.
Bill:
Hey look, the weathah forecast calls for snow. Imagine that?
Bill:
Yeah, but that's pretty much where the comparison between the 04/05 offseason and the 07/08 offseason ends.
Doug:
Seriously. This time 'round there's no Queer Eye for the Red Sox Guy. No Idiots' book tour. No distractions at all.
Bill:
If you didn't know any bettah, you'd think these guys lost the World Series the way they're acting with guys reporting to camp early and in incredible shape.
Bill:
Locked and loaded. Let the defense of the Pennant begin.
Mike:
Sweet. And with Spring Training only days away, we're that much closah to talking about who'll win the AL East rathah than who won a Grammy.
Al:
Damn, my wife had that on last night and I got my first look at this Amy Winehouse creature. Jesus Christ I guess you know you're getting old when pop stahs not only no longah seem sexy but seem downright gross.
Mike:
Ah, don't beat yourself up Al, Winehouse is a total skankshaft.
Doug:
Seriously, I caught her performance last night on the Grammys, and this morning I woke up with the clap.
Mike:
On second thought, Al, maybe you're are getting old. Short hair? Jeez, let's just bring back the 80s why don't we.
Al:
What's wrong with that? Sheena Easton? The "Papa Don't Preach" period Madonna? That shit was hot.
Doug:
Heh, this is coming from a guy who on weekends sports a Members Only jacket with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows.
With the grave news about Schilling combined with last night's episode of Lost, well …
Bill:
Ugh. My head hurts.
Bill:
I'm just not liking the early 2008 forshadowing …
Bill:
What with the Patriots inexplicable sudden mortality, the potential season ending injury of Schill …
Bill:
I half expect to look up tomorrow and see the truck pulling out of Fenway driven by Matthew Abaddon.
Tara:
Life is fluid and never quite what it seems.
Bill:
Seriously. One day you're the good guys fighting the good fight against "the Othahs," and the next day you've become the Othahs.
Bill:
Yeah, and the rebuttal by Clemens' lawyers is pretty weak.
Bill:
Seriously. I mean, sure, keeping blood, gauze, and needles from Roger Clemens for seven years is crazy — crazy like a mofo fox.
Doug:
I do think Mr. Clemens is totally screwed at this point.
Doug:
I might feel a tinge of sympathy for the guy, if I, you know, had any feelings.
Bill:
Yeah, and if he wasn't totally lying.
Doug:
Hey did you hear that in college at Texas Clemens majored in alibiology?
Bill:
Heh. Yeah, but a lie nevah passes his lips, because he talks out of his ass.
Al:
And Edes' questions are legit. Same questions I've been mulling ovah as the season approaches.
Mike:
Yeah, yeah, that's all well and good but …
Mike:
Well, the way things seem to go from my experience is it's the questions you nevah think to ask that are the ones that make or break you.
Doug:
Good point. I mean look at Oedipus.
Doug:
Dude's all kickin' and chillin' it all King of Thebes, you know, and he's wondering "Will the harvest be good?" and "What if there comes a plague?" so on and so forth.
Doug:
But not once, not evah, does the dude think to ask himself, "I wondah if this chick I'm nailing is my own fucking mothah?"
Doug:
Nevah friggin occurred to him, you know?
Mike:
Ah, yeah … that's what I'm talking about.
Bill:
You know, in a lot ways this unexpected and unfathomable loss in the Super Bowl is a good thing.
Mike:
And how do you figure that, guy?
Bill:
Well, we were due a comeuppance and a remindah to nevah take anything for granted and nevah forget our many, humbling years wandering the desert where any championships were but a cruel mirage.
Bill:
And with all due respect to the Patriots, honestly, if we needed to be taught that lesson, bettah it comes via the Pats than the Red Sox.
Mike:
This is true. But, man, do I feel like a schmuck now for buying that 72 inchah.
Bill:
But just think, it'll give you hours of view pleasure watching the Sox.
Mike:
Speaking of hours of viewing pleasure.
Bill:
Here's what I'm thinking — Manny MVP, Beckett Cy Young, and Ellsbury Rook of the Year.
Mike:
Seriously, dude. We are going to go through the A.L. like my Uncle Seamus going through booze at an open bah wedding.
Lisa the Temp:
[Whispering] Ssshhhh … Sotto voce, peeps, sotto voce.
Lisa the Temp:
Lisa is laying low this morning because these people are like a California forest in a Santa Ana breeze waiting for an arsonist.
Lisa the Temp:
Seriously. I tried to lighten the mood a little while ago with an "asterisk" joke, and it was like I'd offered a ham sandwich wrapped in porn to a Wahhabist.
Lisa the Temp:
Talk about a hostile work environment.
Lisa the Temp:
But don't look to Lisa to say anything. No way. We can't have these fantatics going all 28 Days Later on Lisa's shapely yet taut ass.
Lisa the Temp:
Seriously, peeps, now do you know why Lisa never drinks the sports Kool-Aid?
Lisa the Temp:
Win, lose, or tie, Lisa endures.
Lisa the Temp:
Namaste, peeps, Namaste.
Mike:
I really enjoyed the return of Lost last night, but one thing near the end had me confused — doesn't Jeff Probst usually tell the survivors to drop their buffs before new tribes are chosen?*
Bill:
Heh. I'm really loving the flash forward thing.
Bill:
Well, you know, time flies when you're winning championships.
Mike:
Oh, that reminds me, I was going to surprise all you guys Sunday at my "Watch Eli Manning Shit the Bed" pahty, but I've gotta let it out now…
I bought a 72 inch 1080p DLP HDTV.
Bill:
Holy Christ it's going to be the best Supah Bowl Pahty evah!
Bill:
But you know Doug is going to have a conniption when he discovahs you've gained 12 inches on him.
Mike:
Hell, Doug the Rethuglican of all people should be congratulating me for doing my patriotic duty and stimulating the economy with my purchase.
Bill:
All this "economic stimulus" talk has had me thinking. If JFK were living in this time period, would his famous speech have been worded differently?
You know, "Ask not what your country can do for you; Ask what you can buy for your country."
Mike:
Dude, if JFK were alive in this day and age, he'd be stimulating Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson.
Bill:
Oh, hell, yeah, he would. Simul-friggin-taneously. Hail to the Chief chicka-chicka whaa whaa.
Mike:
See that was Clinton's real problem. Chubby chicks and high-haired bimbos are fine if you're the gov of Arkansas, but when you're the POTUS you've got to ratchet up the nookie qual.
Bill:
Seriously. You're representing the People fercrissakes.
Mike:
And the People expect their Commandah in Chief to be nailing the A-List poon.
Continue reading "I can't title this" »
