Not a creature was stirring....

Without much going on Soxwise, figured I'd shut it down for the holidays.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all The Soxaholix readers, and thanks so much for being here daily for what turned out to be another really fantastic year!

– Hart

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Give 'em back

Bill:
Give' em hell, Schill.

 

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Mike:
You know a lot of times Schilling's holiah than thou blog encyclicals rub me the wrong way, but in this case I think he's well within his rights to call out Clemens.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. I mean think about it. Schill heroically comes out in the "Bloody Sock" game, pitches his ass off and basically injures himself so severely that he's only a shadow of himself during 2005 and 6.

 

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Bill:
But rathah than taking the easy way out ala Clemens and getting his assed pricked, Schilling works through it enduring all the ignominy of guys hitting him around the pahk and sports pundits suggesting that he's too old and done to continue.

 

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Mike:
I'm always going to smirk now when I recall those images of Clemens shoving his arms in barrels of rice as part of his "extreme workout regimen."

 

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Bill:
Looks like ol' Rog is going to skip right ovah "the twilight of his career" and right directly into the eternal pit of dahkness.

 

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Benefit of the doubt?

Doug:
Hey, nice frosted tips, Rogah.

 

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Mike:
I love this from his public statement: "I am disappointed that my 25 years in public life have apparently not earned me the benefit of the doubt."

 

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Mike:
Ah, memo to Clemens: For 20 of those 25 years you've been one of the biggest frigtahds to evah play the game, so don't expect much love from anyone but Suzy Waldman.

 

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Al:
And what's this crap about answering "all of those questions at the appropriate time in the appropriate way."

 

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Mike:
Heh, Sounds like Clemens has taken a page from the Senator Larry Craig playbook on dealing with getting caught with your pants down.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Remembah how Craig claimed that his little game of footsie with the undahcovah cop wasn't meant to initiate bathroom sex, but was just the result of Craig's so-called "wide stance"?

 

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Doug:
Well, perhaps Clemens can make the case that having his naked buttocks in the air was misconstrued by his trainah and was not meant to initiate an injection of steroids in his ass, but was just paht of his own wide stance and pregame sphinctah flexing ritual.

 

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Al:
Considering that Clemens is one big asshole, that story might just work.

 

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Lisa comes clean

Lisa the Temp:
Hello, peeps, it's Lisa the Temp here with some sobering news …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
For the last couple of years, I've been taking performance enhancing drugs.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Yes, it's true. And I'm very sorry to have disappointed those of you who view me as a role model.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
And I'm sorry for the children. The poor children.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But you and they will get over it.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
And between you and me, I'm not really sorry.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Do you want to play a game? My performance enhanced brain will pwn your asses.

 

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You know damn right.

Doug:
So let me get this straight, Andy Pettitte doesn't say a thing about using banned dopahs until he gets named in the Mitchell report …

 

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Doug:
And then, after getting caught, he comes out and admits to it and somehow that is being spun as "honorable"?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yeah, well, welcome to life in the 2000's where all that is required for absolution from any wrongdoing is to put on your most earnest face and then emote a public "I'm sorry" and all will be forgiven.

 

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Doug:
OK. Then I'm sorry I kicked your dog.

 

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Oh, so that's what they mean by "Mystique and Aura"

Bill:
No current members of the Red Sox are on Mitchell's list.

 

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Bill:
'Nuff said.

 

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Doug:
Quod erat fucking demonstrandum. Yeah, that's what I'm fucking talking about.

 

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Bill:
And only two from 2007 Championship team — one who played a very minor role and one who played absolutely, positively no role at all.

 

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Doug:
Unless of course you count his role in preventing the team from reaching the 100 win plateau.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, memo to Gagne: You need a new chemist shit for brains.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, down in the Bronx, 22 current or formah Yankees are on the list. Go figure?

 

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Bill:
And all 22 played a role in the "Dynasty" years from '96-'00.

 

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Doug:
26*

 

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Bill:
That image of Clemens bent ovah and getting injected into his naked redneck ass is forevah seahed into my memory.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, instead of calling him "The Rocket" he'll forevah more be known as "The Buttock"

 

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Bill:
Somewhere, Suzy Waldman weeps.

 

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Drink up

Bill:
Ah, Christ, it's that time of the year when things are so slow that the lead stories concern births and dating gossip.

 

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Bill:
So we breathlessly learn that OMG Theo Epstein and wife are now proud parents of a baby named Jack.

 

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Mike:
And Youk's fiance nee girlfriend. Enza Sambataro, is not only hot but also is, among her friends, always "the first one to do something over the top and crazy." Whew. Exciting stuff.

 

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Bill:
Yeah. Sox news in Decembah. Pathetic.

 

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Mike:
And yet we'll invariably discuss Miss Sambataro's views on Ben Affleck's back hair at some point today..

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, remembah when Kitty Dukakis drank the rubbing alcohol?

 

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Bill:
When you need your daily fix, you work with what you have.

 

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Mike:
True. And the Sox playah wives and girlfriends gossip is still bettah than prophesying about the forthcoming Mitchell Report.

 

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Goodbye Waffles and Applesauce?

Al:
Here we go again …

 

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Al:
"The Twins continued exploring potential trade options for Johan Santana on Monday, picking up where they left off at last week's winter meetings."

 

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Mike:
And wanting the Jacoby Ellsbury offah ovah the Lestah offah.

 

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Al:
Argh.

 

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Mike:
I know. Losing Ellsbury just doesn't feel right.

 

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Mike:
I mean not only is the kid poised on the field, but off as well. Just look how he comes across in this interview.

 

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Doug:
The kid's all class.

 

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Doug:
But when I staht feeling morose about it, I chant a little mantra that goes something like this …

 

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Doug:
Beckett. Santana. Matsuzaka. Schilling. Buchholz and Lestah.

 

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Al:
Good point. It's not like we're trading Ellsbury for Larry Andersen. This is Johan Santana we're talking about here.

 

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Somebody broke my interwebs

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Update: I got my home web connection back this morning, but not until it was too late to do much with it.  But again, not much happening either way.

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, folks.  I awoke to no internet connection at home this morning, so had no chance to read Sox news to generate a Soxaholix discussion. After a quick scan of the web from work, it looks like there isn't much going on anyway. — Hart

 

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Moving on

Bill:
Well, just goes to show — the hot stove can keep you warm through the long wintah, but if you get to close, the hot stove can burn ya.

 

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Doug:
No kidding. This Santana-to-SantanNo is going to leave a mark.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, there's still a lot of brightside — We are the defending champs and even Santana-less are still the team to beat.

 

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Doug:
True. And it's Friday and the wormwood is legal. No complaints.

 

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High and dry

Al:
C'mon, Bill Smith, you big friggin' prick tease. Enough with the foreplay already.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Where's my friggin' "happy ending."

 

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Mike:
I can't get no
Santanasfaction.

 

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Like sand. Like leaves.

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
So long as one knows.

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
One can bide one's time.

 

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Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
One knows what to expect.

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
No further need to worry.

 

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Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Simply wait.

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
We're used to it.

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Ohhh-Oh, The Guns of Boston

Doug:
Poor Mr. Hanky the Yankee. Even aftah embarassing himself ovah the A-Rod "ultimatum," he still doesn't understand the meaning of "deadline."

 

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Doug:
Now Hanky has to "sleep on it."

 

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Bill:
Yeah, but while he and Cashman were singing each othah sleepytime lullabys to each othah, the Twins and Red Sox were exchanging medical records. …

 

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Bill:
"In fact, an hour past midnight in New York and right around midnight at the Opryland Hotel, it was the Boston Red Sox who appeared closest to a deal with the Twins for Santana."

 

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Bill:
"A Red Sox official said he was 'cautiously optimistic' the club could complete the deal for Santana, putting the two-time Cy Young Award winner next to Josh Beckett, Curt Schilling, Daisuke Matsuzaka and, probably, Clay Buchholz in the Red Sox rotation."

 

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Doug:
And you've gotta love this: " 'If the Red Sox get Santana,' said an executive of one NL team that's grateful to be in the other league, 'they might be the best team in the history of the frigging universe.'"

 

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Bill:
The perfect bookend to the best football team in the history of the frigging universe.

 

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Doug:
Which goes so, so well with the best fans in the best sports city in the history of the friggin universe.

 

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Bill:
For years they crushed us and they bruised us, but now, now they'll answer to the Guns of Boston.

 

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Doug:
And we show no mercy, bitches.

 

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Cold Feet

Susan/Circle:
So the Boss-lite is now thumping his chest and "vowing 'not to be played' by the Red Sox."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Heh. Memo to the little Steiney Whiney – You're being played like a banjo in the hands of that wonky-eyed Dixie Chick.

 

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Mike:
I sure hope so.

 

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Mike:
I mean I've been flippant about trading Ellsbury the past week or so, but that's only because I assumed he was off limits.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Seriously. Now that Jacoby is "on the table" I've got buttahflies in my stomach.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, the closah you look at Santana's numbahs, the more it seems he's ovahpriced.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Not just that. What has made the Red Sox pitching so formidable is how our guys seem to turn it up to 11 during the postseason. I mean not just Beckett and Schilling but guys like Lestah, too.

 

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Mike:
And remembah how Derek Lowe went all balls to the wall in 2004 and 2003?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. That is Red Sox baseball. Now consider Santana in the postseason – 1 and 4 with a 3.97 ERA.

 

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Mike:
The postseason is littered with the detritus of guys like Sabathia, Westbrook, and Francis.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, those guys walk around the regulah season all bow legged because they're hung like bulls …

 

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Susan/Circle:
But when Octabah comes, they're about as verile as a waxed tranni on estrogen injections.

 

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Mike:
Don't do it, Theo. Keep us the Navajo.

 

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