At Last

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
AL East East Champions!

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
And when we look back on this years from now and are reminded how the Sox took the lead for good on April 18th, the panic of the past two weeks will be long forgotten.

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
What panic?

 

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Biding time

Susan/Circle:
This is frustrating. I feel like I'm parked on the tarmac at Logan waiting for a gate to be freed.

 

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Tara:
Seriously. Would they hurry up and win the Division already? It's getting old.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, at least I've got my SI Pap's covah to get me through the day. Hummena hummena hummena.

 

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Tara:
So you're not dissuaded to by Schilling's quote that Papelbon's ""not exactly a charter member of Mensa …""

 

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Susan/Circle:
Are you kidding me? That's just how I like my men — hot and dumb.

 

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Tara:
Yes, why not? If men can have their "women in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant" thing, then we are entitled to our "man in the backyard sweaty and splitting wood, shirtless."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Purrrrrrrr.

 

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Bring out the imp

Mike:
So now that the Division seems^* locked up, I'm a little embarrassed about my own doom and gloom pronouncements last week.

^*[said with fingers-crossed while knocking on wood]

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and aftah reading Verducci's debunking of the biggest myths of MLB's wild-cahd era, our recent histrionics seem even more laughable.

 

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Mike:
Well, I guess that's why they call us "fans" short for "fanatics" and not "imps" short for imperturbable.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, I wish I could say otherwise, but the fact is, 100 times, no, make that 101 times out of 100 if the Sox have a 14.5 game lead that dwindles to a 1 game lead, I'm going to bust a nut.

 

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Mike:
But no point in dwelling on our weaker moments.

 

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Bill:
Of course not, especially during Christmas.

 

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Mike:
On the first day of Christmas my Manny gave to me, 5 RBI.

 

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Hit it now!

With apologies to the immortal James Brown …

Al:
Fellas, I think they're ready to do their thing.

 

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Al:
Ready to get into it, man, you know.

Like a playoff machine, man.

 

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Al:
Pitchin' it and hittin' it, you know

 

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Doug:
Can I count it off?

 

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Al:
Go ahead.

 

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Doug:
1) Youks and Manny

2) Schilling

3) That's the magic

4) Rays slam the Yankees door.

 

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Mike:
Get up. Stay on up.

 

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Al:
Stay on the scene. Like a Sox machine.

 

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One track mind

Yes, we are overly obsessed with a number …

Bill (thinking to himself):

 

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Playoff spot clinched (but...)

Bill:
"Winning the AL East is a distant second to assembling a rested, healthy roster for Game 1 of the American League Division Series."

 

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Mike:
Oh-kaaay …

 

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Bill:
I know. As logical as that statement may be, it still sounds hollow when you say it.

 

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Mike:
It's like when a girlfriend says "things are going too fast" and that she "needs some time" to, you know, "get some clarity."

 

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Mike:
And then you run into your buds and they're all "Hey, where's your girl Linder;" and you're like, "Oh, it's all good, we just decided to, you know, slow it down a bit."

 

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Bill:
Or they say, "Hey, I saw Linder at the Downtown Crossing with some dude in designah jeans" and you start rationalizing to yourself that it was probably her cousin or one of her gay friends.

 

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Mike:
Just like we're rationalizing the Red Sox fade with comparisons to St. Louis last year and Detroit before that.

 

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Where are you on the fan spectrum? Rational? Bat shit?

Steve:
OK, here's something positive: Despite all the crap that has befallen the Red Sox in '05, '06, and over the past few weeks of '07, nobody, not even the Curly Haired Boyfriend, has so much as mentioned "The Curse."

 

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Steve:
That old canard is finally dead and buried.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, true, but aftah 2004 I really did expect things to be totally different and yet it seems, with the exception of the Curse and 1918 and all that crap, we are pretty much right back where we were befoah.

 

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Steve:
Well, as Don Rumsfeld will tell you, there is often a considerable gap between expectations and reality on the ground, but in the case of Red Sox Nation, I think there has been a real shift since the World Series win.

 

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Mike:
What? Have you not been reading the blogs, listening to the radio?

 

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Steve:
Yeah, I have, actually. And that's where I'm drawing my inference from.

 

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Steve:
It seems to me that a good chunk of fans, I dunno 25% I'd guess, are actually talking and blogging and commenting in a downright rational fashion.

 

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Steve:
And I'd say another 25% are concerned and sullen and quite probably expect the worst, but they are not going bat shit crazy or anything.

 

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Mike:
That still leaves another 50%.

 

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Steve:
Absolutely.  And of that remaining 50% there is a lot of gnashing of teeth and clinking of rosaries but, even then, the percentage of whacked out, "28 Days Later" wanting to eat the flesh off your bones fans have been reduced to a number smaller than I've ever seen.

 

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Steve:
And I'm totally convinced that had there been no 2004 glory, the flesh eaters would outnumber the rationals 9:1 easily.

 

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Mike:
Well, while I can't say I'm feeling all warm fuzzy after your overly long exposition, I confess that I can see some wheat in all the chaff of the past few days.

 

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Steve:
  Yes, and Beckett goes tonight.  It's not over yet.

 

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Epoch of belief, epoch of incredulity

Doug:
I'm so friggin angry right now that if I was in a bah fight I'd probably inadvertently cut off my own nutsack from the sheeah blindness of my rage.

 

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Mike:
Hey, at least you've still got nuts to sack … aftah watching the estrogen fest that is the Septembah 07 Red Sox, my testes have shrunk up and withdrawn into my abdomen like a pair of wannabe ovaries.

 

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Al:
So neithah of you is takes any consolation from the notion that the Red Sox just care about the postseason, not the division win, and are resting and preparing for when the games really count?

 

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Doug:
Nope.

 

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Mike:
No because you don't prepare for winning by losing.

 

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Al:
Agree. But what if this is anothah case of the fans thinking they're smahtah than the front office?

 

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Doug:
You know the problem with that is that half the time lately the fans are actually smahtah. Look at the case of Okajima.

 

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Doug:
I mean way back in early Septembah every fan from Bangor to Braintree could clearly see that Okajima was outta gas and needed a rest.

 

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Doug:
But despite the overwhelming evidence Francona stuck with the pahty line that Oki wasn't tiahd at all. Oh, but, lo and effin behold, turns out he is tiahd and needs to be shut down.

 

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Doug:
So instead of resting him when we have a nice 6½ game lead, they wear him down some moah until now they have no choice but to sit him with a mere 1½ game lead.

 

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Mike:
And then there's the case of J.D. Drew. Every fan from Woodstock to Woonsocket figured Drew would be about as useful to the Red Sox as tits on a bull, but His Royal Highness Theo just had to, had to have Drew.

 

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Doug:
And Lugo, Gagne, Renteria … What the frig?

 

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Al:
The 2005 late season fade was bad. 2006 was worse, and now, 2007, is trending to be the worst fade into oblivion yet.

 

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Doug:
If this team doesn't go deep into the playoffs, I expect to see severed heads rolling down Yawkey Way come Novembah.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. The Red Sox monarchy needs to understand we peasants are sick of eating this cake they've been feeding us since the World Series win.

 

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Do the cuffs match the collar?

Mike:
You know growing up whenevah I'd heah people talking about '78, I always imagined the collapse to be some sort of dramatic, cataclysmic, big bang kind of event.

 

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Mike:
Howevah, now going through a collapse of equal proportions myself first hand, I realize it's not like that at all. It's all slow and gradual, know what I mean?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Exactly. Where you once figured it was like a shotgun barrel in the mouth with brains splattered against the wall kind of death, you now know it's more of a car running in a closed garage cahbon monoxide asphyxiation kind of ending … you know, peaceful, really.

 

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Mike:
That's it, precisely.

 

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Mike:
I tell you, though, aftah the Bucholz no-hittah, I thought that was a sign that the winds had shifted and we'd have smooth sailing into winning the division with a nice cushion. I just didn't see it coming to this.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, life is funny that way, isn't it? I mean in a post-feminist age, who would have guessed that we'd see women asking themselves, "Is my anus pink enough?", and yet …

 

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Mike:
Hmmm … First came the pink caps, now the pink sphincs. There's a twisted yet titillating symmetry to it all somehow.

 

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Because er hatte Flair

Doug:
Once again, I'm soooo glad I set my panic demarcation at 3 games.

 

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Bill:
So right now there's a half a game between you and complete and total loss of bowel control?

 

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Doug:
Abso-fricken-lutely. How 'bout you?

 

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Bill:
Me? Ah, no sweat. I went and saw Dr. Robert and said, "Doc give me whatevah the fuck Francona is on …"

 

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Bill:
So now I'm rockin' like an autistic with ne'er a care in the world. Tonight we'll go get 'em, you know, rah.

 

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Doug:
You think Manny's coming back?

 

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Bill:
What are you insane!? Manny can't come back because he might get hurt!

 

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Bill:
We need to wrap Manny in bubblewrap like an overripe kumquat and save him for those all-important games next April and May.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Why win today when you can win tomorrow? Or the day aftah? Or the day aftah that?

 

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Bill:
Rock me Amadeus.

 

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As far as Monday's go, not bad

Mike:
I don't recall evah feeling this OK aftah dropping 2 of 3 to the Yankees at home.

 

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Doug:
Me neithah. Despite two heartbreakahs bookending an awesome win, I'm still feeling as smug as Hillary at an Asian fundraisah.

 

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Al:
It's tough to get too down on a team that has Jacoby Ellsbury on its rostah. That kid is just pure joy to watch, win or lose.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, and you add in Pedroia and Buchholz and my vision gets all rose tinted.

 

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Al:
Aside from that, though, we have to acknowledge that a good bit or our morning buoyancy is due to the play of the Patriots.

 

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Doug:
Heh. The Chahgahs weren't just taken to school by the Pats, they were taken to Catholic School.

 

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Doug:
Care for anothah rap across the knuckles LaDainian?

 

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Al:
We don't dance at St. Gillette now do we, Mr. Merriman?

 

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They're here

Bill:
How'd I know this call was going to be from you, Mahty?

 

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Marty:
Ah, I dunno, Callaghan, perhaps you have one of Belichick's goons parked outside my penthouse with a telephoto lens? That's the way you guys roll up  there in New England isn't it?

 

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Bill:
Funny, Mahty. Maybe if your Jets would get ovah their obsession with Belichick they might, you know, win a playoff game one of these years.

 

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Marty:
Look, Callaghan, this is actually an amicable call — Just wanted to say good luck in the series and may the best team win.

 

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Bill:
Nice try, Mahts. I can smell the reverse mojo you're trying all the way up heah.

 

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Marty:
Oh, puh-leeze, Bill. You know we Yankees fans don't get into that silly, infantile mumbo jumbo about jinxes and curses and such. We just believe in winning.

 

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Bill:
Oh, right, of course. So what exactly do you call Rogah Clemens dry humping of the plaques in Monument Pahk befoah each staht?

 

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Bill:
And then there's Jetah's nationally televised pronouncement of his belief in the paranormal.

 

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Marty:
Whatever, Callaghan …

 

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Bill:
Poor Jetes hasn't hasn't seen his ghosts much since they split the scence in 2004 has he? Maybe he should take out a "missed connections" ad on craigslist?

"I saw you outside Yankee Stadium in Oct 2003. You were diaphanous and spectral. I was wearing the pink shirt and dark jeans. I think we were both interested. If so maybe we can go out for coffee? Get to know each other?"

 

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At the water's edge

Doug:
Love the wins and the late inning heroics, but watching the magic numbahs is like watching a lobstah pot boil. Hurry up already.

 

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Mike:
Hey, I'm just glad to be focused on baseball again aftah the shitstorm I stirred up with Pats' fanboys ovah my "dishonor" comment.

 

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Doug:
What do you expect from those mouth breathahs who worship at the NFL altah of ritualized violence, sublimated homesexual rape, and Oedipal hostility?

 

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Mike:
What are you smoking, dude? You love football. And you're a self-professed Rethuglican, repressed homoeroticism and violence is your bread and buttah.

 

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Doug:
Ah, I love it when you libs paint with your broad brush …

 

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Doug:
But what can I say, I've got a HardOn for a chick from MoveOn who's been, you know, "nurturing" my innah pacifist.

 

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Mike:
So she has no clue you voted for Bush and continue to support the occupation of Iraq?

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? A Neuromancer-quoting cripple with herp lip and a case of the crabs stands a bettah chance of getting laid in this town than a Neocon.

 

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Mike:
Ah, nothing like stahting things off undah a shroud of lies and deceit, how very G.O.P. of you!

 

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Doug:
C'mon, bro, you know what they say — Politics stops at the labia's edge.

 

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Panty Peeping

The Red Sox come back from a 8-1 deficit in the 4th to win, but …

Mike:
Well, the Pats winning 3 Supah Bowls couldn't usurp the Red Sox as the most talked about sports team in the region, but looks like they finally found something that could.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, somehow I don't think the "all publicity is good publicity" conventional wisdom is going to play here.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. A more appropriate quote is this one from Joe Paterno: "Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good."

 

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Bill:
I'm not sure what is more fascinating, the cheating or the hubris. I mean they didn't even try to be surreptitious with it, did they?

 

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Mike:
Memo to Belichick: Spyware, hello!

 

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Bill:
So how big a hahd on do you think Belichick hatah Ron Borges has this morning?

 

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Mike:
Can you say "priapism"?

 

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Gimme more

Doug:
Look, all I'm sayin' is The Pats would nevah get shut out in their own house by the worst team in the division on the eve of the postseason. Just wouldn't happen.

 

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Al:
It's just not a fair comparison, Doug.

 

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Doug:
Fair? Life isn't fair, dude. Get ovah it.

 

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Al:
C'mon, best record in baseball? Quit your bitchin'. The Sox are good.

 

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Mike:
Al's right. They are good, but still … There are times, like last night, when it seems there's something missing.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Every 4 or 5 games they come out totally flat and makes me wondah — Are these guys going to be prepared for the postseason the same way Britney Spears was prepared for her VMA "comeback"?

 

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Al:
Hey, all you people want is more, more, more!

 

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Error: Mass Storage -Master

Technical Difficulties

Over the weekend my computer suffered a complete hard drive failure. A new hard drive is in place and now I'm engaged in the arduous process of reloading all my software and retrieving files from my backup DVDs.

Strips will resume when the process is complete, hopefully, by tomorrow (Tuesday).

Patients inside the chamber will notice discomfort inside their ears

Susan/Circle:
So if Arroyo was said to have "balls the size of Saturn" then where does that leave Buchholz's nuts on the universal scale?

 

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Mike:
Hello globular clustahs!

 

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Susan/Circle:
Now to segue from macro to the micro, what the frig are we gonna do with JD Drew?

 

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Mike:
Dude, needs to adjust the mixcha on his hypahbaric chambah.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Maybe Drew's problem isn't too little oxygen but too much? … Dude should take up smoking or something I mean, couldn't hurt …

 

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Mike:
I just don't understand what Theo and his brain trust evah saw in this guy.

 

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Susan/Circle:
You know, it's one thing to take a gamble on a guy for a year, but 5 signing him half a friggin decade? Jeez.

 

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Mike:
If he doesn't turn it around, he'll be "Renteriahd" right outta town.

 

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When weary, rest

Mike:
Now comes Autumn's dusk,
The shadows rake and lengthen
— a hero tires.

 

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Travel Day

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, a last-minute and unplanned business trip has usurped today's installment which would have included a shout out to Josh Beckett for number 17.

 

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Rolling 7's

Bill:
The morning aftah Labah Day and a 7 game lead in the Division.  Who knew how good such a thing could feel?

 

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Doug:
Wait a second, didn't you get the memo?  We are supposed to be rattling our Rosaries in perturbation because Matsuzaka has labored for the second straight outing.

 

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Bill:
Jesus, don't these people having a melting ice cap or stranded polah bear to channel their innah Chicken Little ovah rathah than foment false hysteria about the best pitching staff in the Majahs?

 

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Doug:
Seriously.  We've been told from the beginning that Matsuzaka would be a work in progress all season.  Just because it appeahs we are postseason bound doesn't change that.

 

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Bill:
I know let me say it slowly so the Dice-K doubtahs can get it: transition.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. He's having a bettah first year in a "new" league than Beckett did last year in his.

 

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Bill:
And Beckett only had to deal with the transition to facing the best-in-the-world hittahs of the AL and, as fah as I know,  did not have to concurrently deal with a change in culture, language, food and diet, sleeping style, a disruption to his start/rest pitching routine, so on and so forth.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, even if Matsuzaka's struggles get worse, I mean, holy shit, look at the rest of the staff?

 

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Bill:
We've got the aforementioned Josh Beckett morphing nicely into the role of ace.  We've got the studly of studliest closahs in all of baseball.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me?  Paps is so studly that every time he so much as scratches  his balls 20 pink hats become impregnated.

 

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Bill:
I know!  Then there's  Lestah coming back from frickin' cancah for crissakes, Wake being Wake, the unexpected non-batshit moments from Tavarez and, oh yeah, I forgot, the rookie Buchholz throwing a no-hittah in his second majah league staht evah!

 

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Doug:
Yeah, so if you want me to feel "uneasy" about Matsuzaka, I say, go fuck yourself.

 

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Happy Labor Day (the fun is just starting)

Hart Brachen, the dude behind the Soxaholix:
Nothing like a no-no to take the edge off, eh?

Have a happy Labor Day weekend, see you on Tuesday.

 

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