Summer Vacation '07 - Day 1

Your omniscient author in absentia:
The Soxaholix are on summer vacation this week.

 

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Red Skies at Night

Mike:
So your chum Mahty (and by "chum" I mean, of course, a mixture of fish parts and blood used to attract fish) was right — the Yankees are still capable of losing.

 

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Bill:
If I wasn't in such a good mood today I'd be prone to bitch about the Yankees' cosmic good fortune of late …

 

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Bill:
I mean, Christ, they missed Kazmir in the TB series and Bannister in the KC series, will miss Bedard in this weekend's Baltimore series and likely will miss both Buehrle and Vazquez in next week's Chicago series.

 

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Bill:
The Sox, meanwhile, will face Kazmir this weekend and both Bedard and Guthrie next week.

 

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Mike:
Whatev. It's all good. Let the Yankees feast on diet of false hopes. It'll make for the our eventual schedenfraude all the bettah.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. And don't look now, but when Schilling takes a break from being the Grand Poobah of Baseball and God's Anointed Spokesperson on Earth to, you know, STFU and pitch, he looks good.

 

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Mike:
And Manny is finally being Manny again.

 

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Bill:
.550 ball from here on out, gets us to 95 wins.

 

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Mike:
These guys are not ruining my summah!

 

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Bill:
Of course everything looks rosiah on the eve of vacation*.

 

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That loss stings a bit

Bill (thinking to himself):
Jesus H. Christ. Beckett strikes out 7, allows allows just a run and 4 hits ovah 8 friggin' innings and we lose?

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
I remembah in the not so distant past when the Red Sox used to rally and come from behind to win games late.  Whatevah happened to that team?

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
Ah, well, it could be worse …

 

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And worse it gets, as somewhere in Manhatten Bill's nemesis Marty dials up his overpriced Restoration Hardware "retro" phone …

Marty:
Bill, I just wanted to call and say, don't panic, man.    

 

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Marty:
Despite how it may seem each day for you, the Yankees will lose at least another game this season. Eventually. Heh heh.

 

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Bill:
Ah, spare me, Mahty.  I'm doing just fine with my 6½ lead.

 

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Marty:
Yeah, that's just what you used to tell your ex-wife, right Bill? "6½ is just as good as 12½, honey."  Hah, no wonder she dumped your ass.

 

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Bill:
Nothing like the ad hominem is there, Mahts?  Just like your Yankees, you're all class.

 

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Bill:
But, you know, you sure are cocky for a guy whose pitching is a  combo of aging stahting pitchers and a bullpen full of dead-ahm relievahs.

 

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Marty:
Hey, Bill, I'm working on a new chant.  It goes like this:

Naaaan-cy. Dreeeew-ooh.
Naaaan-cy. Dreeeew-ooh

 

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You never know

Doug:
Is Coco Crisp on fiah all of a sudden or what?

 

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Doug:
Batting .402 since June 15th, on a 10-for-17 stretch over his last four games, and on a 47-for-121 tear (.388) over his last 31 …

 

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Mike:
That's not just on fiah, that's on friggin' Fiendfyre.

 

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Doug:
So does Crisp's abrupt turnaround mean that Jacoby Ellsbury is now tradable? Or does it suggest that Crisp himself could get shopped?

 

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Al:
That's what I love and hate about the week leading up to the trading deadline — anything's possible but, you know, anything's possible.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of trades, is this the first July in a while where Manny hasn't asked to be traded?

 

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Mike:
Wouldn't that be ironic if this is the year he is traded?

 

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Al:
Naw, I don't see that happening.

 

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Doug:
But that's the thing isn't it? The stunning trades are the ones you nevah see coming.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I'm still stahtled even now by the Nomah trade and it's been 3 years since.

 

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Bronson, we have a problem...

Doug:
So golfah Sergio Garcia chokes in the British Open then claims there is a "curse" upon him … Meanwhile Jon Lester is stricken with anaplastic large cell lymphoma midseason, goes thru intense chemotherapy treatment all wintah, works his ass off getting his strength back, enduahs a long rehap stint in the minahs all without complaining, blaming, or whining.

 

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Mike:
Kind of puts things in perspective, eh?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and not only does Lestah return to the Majahs, but he really returns, throwing 96 pitches, striking out 6 over 6 innings, with 2 runs allowed on 5 hits and 5 walks against one of the best teams the American League has to offah.

 

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Mike:
Righteous.

 

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Doug:
And I'm just going to kick back and enjoy the majesty of the Lester saga for a day befoah acknowledging the elephant in the room.

 

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Mike:
6 pitchahs for 5 slots?

 

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Doug:
Ssssshhhhh …

 

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6-5 homestand? We'll take it...

Doug:
So aftah taking 3-straight from the White Sox and the club seeming to return to their winning ways, can I go ahead and cancel my preordah for "Terry Francona and the Deathly Hallows"?

 

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Bill:
It's funny, I was having an internal struggle on Friday wondering whethah this team was just in a slump or was actually the suck but then, you know, I just let it go.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, in a 162 game season there are times where you just have to say "What the fuck" and just let it be.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, Schilling appears healed and has "his swaggah back" according to Edes.

 

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Bill:
And it's the end of the "Batshit as Stahtah" era as John Lestah returns exactly one year to the day of his first staht evah.

 

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Bill:
You know I think Tavarez is owed a tip of our collective fan cap — I mean when I heard he was going to be stahting back when the season began, I anticipated an uttah disastah. But he did OK for awhile and it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.

 

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Doug:
Here, here, to Batshit! And may he nevah be asked to fulfill that role again.

 

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Bill:
So the always "classy" Yankees put up 21 against the Tampa.

 

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Doug:
Well, you know, with a bullpen as weak as their's, no lead is really too safe.

 

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Voices...inside my head

Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill's Inner-Pessimist [BIP]: Are you believing this? Can you friggin' believe The Red Sox are collapsing again?

Well, of course you can, because these are your Boston Red Sox and that's what they always do.

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill's Inner-Optimist [BIO]: Hey, you know that's not true. 2004? Hel-lo!

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIP]: Ah, yes, the one, only, single, solitary time in your entiah life where things went swell. But that was way back when wasn't it? Back when the offense just scared the bejeebuz out of everyone. Now? Not so much.

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIO]: C'mon, Bill, considah the chaht you saw on SoSH.

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIO]: "The graph of the data shows that teams which end up with similar winning percentages usually have a streak of between 40 and 75 consecutive games during which they win and lose equal numbers of games."

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIP]: Ohfercrissakes! Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

[BIO]: Don't listen to that. It's fine. The Sox are just in a completely normal slump.

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIP]: Slump? Or regression to the team's true talent level of 'the suck'?

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIO]: The 2004 Red Sox had 82 games of .500. Games 22 to 107. The 1998 Yankees were a .500 club from Games 119 through 156 (August 14 - September 21). Imagine that &mdash the juggernaut Yankees a .500 team down the stretch.*

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIP]: This .500 club is getting clobbahed by the shitty teams — At home no less. And Dice-K is all of a sudden wild …

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
Bill's Libido [BLIB]: Ah, excuse me. Pahdon the interruption but as "an average male" Bill here is supposed to think about sex at least every 7 seconds … But I can't do my job if you two Red Sox fanboys are going to go on and on like a couple of school girls on MySpace …

Ah, there you go … Catholic MySpace chicks in plaid mini skirts …

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BIP]: The Red Sox are gonna ruin your summah!

[BIO]: No so. There are just too many guys who are underperforming their career numbers, they simply can not all have declined at the same time.

 

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Bill (thinking to himself):
[BLIB]: OK. I see how it is. The Catholic School Girl fantasy has become mundane. Duly noted. Let's try something else …

Tina Cervasio … Think about it — She used to root for the Yankees … She's been a very, very bad girl. She needs to be punished.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Now that's what I'm talking about!

 

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You knew this was coming

Marty:
Tick ………Tock.

Tick ……… Tock.

 

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Bill:
Don't put the caht befoah the horse, Mahty ଎ The Yankees got 'hot' earlier, got within 10 games, and then regressed back to their earlier norm-- slightly sub .500. That is likely to happen again.

 

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Marty:
Oh, don't sweat it, Callaghan, I'm sure Larry Lucchino will come up with some way to cushion the blow of yet anothah Red Sox collapse and make you guys feel special for being second, again.

 

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Marty:
Maybe Lucky can set up a booth on Yawkey Way come October where for $14.95 the so-called "President of Red Sux Nation" can pat you on the ass with an "'Atta boy, just wait 'til next year" platitude.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, right, Mahts, because, you know George Steinbrennah is such a saint.

 

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Marty:
Hey, say what you want about ol' George but, unlike Lucchino and your guys, Steinbrenner doesn't trivialize the history and mythology of the club nor does he patronize the fans with tawdry get rich scams.

 

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Marty:
You know, Bill, as I hate the Red Sox, it saddens me to see one of such a rich tradition cut up, commoditized and shrink wrapped as if it's nothing more than a trinket you'd find in a box of Cracker Jack.

 

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Bill:
………

 

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Marty:
Whatsamatter, Billy, did the Salem Witches put a hex on your tongue or something?

 

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Bill:
Hey, what can I say, I look forward to a pennant race.

 

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Marty:
Oh, Jesuschrist, you've became just like the Red Sox offense — You've got nothing when you need it most.

 

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Getting so dizzy even walking in a straight line

Doug:
OK, I'm in a coal mine and my little canary is stahting to breathe unevenly ovah heah.

 

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Bill:
C'mon relax fercrissakes will ya?

 

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Doug:
OMFG et tu, Bill? Has everyone in this goddamn city got a bonah for Pollyanna or what?

 

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Bill:
Look, Doug, if I'd said to you back in Mahch that come mid-July the Sox would be 8 games up you'd have Pollyanna on a bah stool liquored up and letting you cop feels.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, right, and if I said to you back in Mahch that come mid-July the Sox would have failed to take advantage of the season's longest homestand, that they had allowed the Yankees to make up ground …

 

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Doug:
That they had once led by 12 games but have gone 3-6 since including getting their asses handed to them by the craptasticulah Kanas City Royals …

 

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Doug:
And that, oh right, they grounded in 4 d.p.'s in that game you'd be what, Bill, all "Let's pahty like it's 19 fucking 78?"

 

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Doug:
I'm not the one with a lack of perspective heah, dude.

 

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Bill:
Hey, you've got to concede that the 2004 club had their struggles, too, during the season.

 

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Doug:
What kind of revisionist history are you writing ovah there? Look the 2004 team got bettah as the season progressed not worse.

 

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Bill:
[Sigh]

 

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The Roof was scarcely visible

Susan:
So the reticent rookie is starting to strike a peal .

 

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Mike:
You know Gabbard's won all three starts at Fenway in which he's struck out 20 in 19 2/3 innings.

 

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Susan:
And what about Manny and Papi who homered together for the 46th time in their careers?

 

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Mike:
Yet anothah forshadowing of the much anticipated return of the Manny Ortez ginormity?

 

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Susan:
God I hope so. It's just doesn't feel like the right Red Sox when Manny and Papi are non-factahs.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. It's like a pot 'o beans minus the molasses.

 

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Susan:
It's like a town without a commons, a river without an ocean …

 

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Mike:
Gives me shivahs to think that there will come a day when there is no moah Manny and no moah Papi.

 

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Susan:
C'mon now, stay in the present. Don't go into the white light.

 

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Say You'll Be There

Mike:
You guys probably haven't heard this yet because, you know, it's not getting a lot of press or anything but believe it or not David Beckham is coming to the USA! Gasp.

 

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Doug:
No shit. Beckham on my TV is like Greenpeace kids at my T stop: ubiquitous and unavoidable.

 

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Al:
I saw CNN lead with a Beckham story and seeing the tape my first thought was "Holy crap an alien has made contact with an aging British soccer stah. And the alien looks pissed off!" Then I was like, oh, duh, that's his wife.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Could Victoria Beckham get any weirdah looking?

 

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Doug:
You think that's weird looking? I got something even weirdah — Doug Mirabelli batting in the ninth inning of a one-run game.

 

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Al:
Do we really have to talk about the Red Sox? I'm not feeling so good.

 

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Mike:
What are we, like 1 game ovah .500 since that last series with the Yankees back at the staht of June?

 

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Doug:
Early on the team was buoyed by unsustainably hot play from a few key players and luck. Now they fucking suck and the record is showing it.

 

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Mike:
Anything less than a sweep against the Royals is going to be very disappointing.

 

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Doug:
The Yankees will be within striking distance by the end of the month if things don't make a serious change for the bettah.

 

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Hangin'

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, no strip today.  I'm taking a previously planned day off from work, and though I had good intentions to publish today … well, let's just say that didn't work out. Seems I had a little bit too much, er, joy in seeing Halladay getting whacked around last night and, consequently, I'm having some difficulty moving around. — Hart

 

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Over the hump and misremembering the slumps

Bill:
So the surly but lovable among us must be totally conflicted over this bit: "… if you watch him closely on the days he doesn't pitch,[Matsuzaka] mouths the words of 'Sweet Caroline' when Neil Diamond starts singing on the Fenway Park PA."

 

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Mike:
Heh. Yeah. The lovable side wants to grin at the whimsy of it all while the surly side is gagging on the schmaltz.

 

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Bill:
So are you ready for a wicked pissa second half or what?

 

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Mike:
Yessah. You seen that friggin sched? 10 against the O's. 15, count 'em, 15 against the D-Rays!

 

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Bill:
Absolutely.  In fact, 56 of the remaining 75 games are against teams that were below .500 at the break.

 

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Mike:
You know at this point it all comes down to health.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and health … and, uh, health.

 

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Small pond, big sakana

Doug:
Friggin' Ichiro. Just when I was starting to envision him a Red Sox uniform zapping out corkscrew singles all ovah Fenway …

 

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Mike:
I know. Resigning with Seattle? How do you say "What a pussy" in Japanese?

 

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Doug:
Seriously. You know being old school and playing with one club your entiah career is cool and all. But when that one club is in a small mahket with a history yeah aftah year aftah year of always being kinda good but nevah evah good enough, well, that's just lame-oh-san.

 

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Mike:
Some guys just don't have the nads for prime time, I guess.

 

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Doug didn't watch the Home Run Derby

Doug:
Oh, c'mon, don't give me that "glory of the game" crap.

 

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Doug:
The All Stah Game is to the glory of big league baseball what seeing a lion show at the circus is to the glory of African savannah. It's trivial, dumbed down mock entertainment is what it is.

 

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Doug:
Baseball is about trying to win the World Series. Nothing less.

 

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Al:
I dunno. I think there's something cool about seeing the Red Sox All Stars out there in their game whites representing Boston and the fans.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, OK, Al, and if tomorrow we learn that Josh Beckett tore or blistahd or othahwise tenderized his dainty digits aftah pitching in the All Star Game, how cool is that gonna be?

 

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We'll be back after the break

Doug:
Holy Birkenstocks — how many cahbon credits did the Red Sox drain with that wasted road series?

 

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Doug:
I mean c'mon. We've got a frickin planet in crisis and shit and these guys jet ovah to Detroit just to get swept?

 

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Doug:
And talk about a lack of renewable energy, hello Red Sox offense. It's like the powah grid in a 3rd World Country, one week you've got the juice, next week it's all candles and coal fires. No reliability whatsoevah.

 

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Mike:
On the bright side, I'd rathah go into the All Stah Break having been swept then come out of it that way. I mean by the time Toronto rolls into town on Thursday, getting swept by the Tigers will be ancient history.

 

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Mike:
And at 10 games up and the biggest lead in any division …

 

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Doug:
Right. But still …

 

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Doug:
We keep waiting for Manny and Papi and Drew and Lugo to "come around" you know like anyday now these guys are going to "come around" but what if they don't come around, what then?

 

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Mike:
Don't worry — They'll come around.

 

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Cruuuuuuuuuise

Mike:
You know, as much as I love a taut right down to the last at bat it could go eithah way baseball game, there's something to be said to be said for these up 6 nil aftah the first affaihs.

 

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Doug:
Hell yeah there is. Sometimes you just want kick back and chill like you're Al Gore the 3rd in the HOV lane bogahting the chronic.

 

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Mike:
The only slight downah is seeing Ellsbury get shipped back down to Pawtucket.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, that's what we get for being dedicated to the Red Sox but not getting his first name right. Fucking kahma. The bitch.

 

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Have a Happy 4th!

Site announcement:
The Soxaholix will return on Friday, July 6th.

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This strip was delayed because I couldn't think of a title

Doug:
Feels so good to be back notching W's in the win column.

 

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Mike:
And, Christ, I knew Jacob Ellsbury has been branded as The Next Big Thing™, but I didn't know that incredible speed was amongst his weaponry.

 

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Doug:
I know. He doesn't even look fast does he?

 

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Mike:
Er, what are you trying to imply, Imus? Heh.

 

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Doug:
Do I need to come ovah there and beat your ass?

 

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Mike:
If so, bettah hurry, 'cause I'm blowin' out of here early for the 4th.

 

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Doug:
Where you headed this year, Ogunquit or Provincetown?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, where you going, ovah to your momma's triple deckah and uncap a fire hydrant?

 

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For some reason...

Doug:
Ah, memo to the Red Sox: It's now July, you can stop the June Swoon stuff, mmm-kay?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I'm really not wanting to consider the June Swoon becoming July's Demise.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, once again Batshit Tavarez has the quote of the day: "We are good. Because for some reason we're in first place."

 

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Mike:
Seriously, the incongruity between the way the Red Sox have played in this Texas series and the fact that they remain entrenched in first place cramps my brain to considah.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, it's so bad, that I can't even take full pleashuh in Scot Proctah's Bonfire of the Insanities.

 

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Al:
Hey, did you hear that Julio Lugo tried the same thing?

 

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Doug:
Get out. Lugo?

 

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Al:
Yeah, but Lugo misread the instructions on the matches — He thought it said "Strike out to light."

 

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