Getting so dizzy even walking in a straight line

Doug:
OK, I'm in a coal mine and my little canary is stahting to breathe unevenly ovah heah.

 

---

Bill:
C'mon relax fercrissakes will ya?

 

---

Doug:
OMFG et tu, Bill? Has everyone in this goddamn city got a bonah for Pollyanna or what?

 

---

Bill:
Look, Doug, if I'd said to you back in Mahch that come mid-July the Sox would be 8 games up you'd have Pollyanna on a bah stool liquored up and letting you cop feels.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, right, and if I said to you back in Mahch that come mid-July the Sox would have failed to take advantage of the season's longest homestand, that they had allowed the Yankees to make up ground …

 

---

Doug:
That they had once led by 12 games but have gone 3-6 since including getting their asses handed to them by the craptasticulah Kanas City Royals …

 

---

Doug:
And that, oh right, they grounded in 4 d.p.'s in that game you'd be what, Bill, all "Let's pahty like it's 19 fucking 78?"

 

---

Doug:
I'm not the one with a lack of perspective heah, dude.

 

---

Bill:
Hey, you've got to concede that the 2004 club had their struggles, too, during the season.

 

---

Doug:
What kind of revisionist history are you writing ovah there? Look the 2004 team got bettah as the season progressed not worse.

 

---

Bill:
[Sigh]

 

---

Comments

[ygbluiyg]

It said in the morning paper that the royals since june 1 have a better record than the red sox. that shows how badly boston is going.

[louclinton]

Ok, admittedly, that was a bump in the road. The boys seem to be one hit away from busting a lot of games wide open, but yet they don't. Lack of chemistry? Just bored? I don't know, but this team is too good to go gently into the night. I don't see quit in them as I did last year.

I was hoping to see some comment on the suddenly ubiquitous Luscious-fueled crapfest known as President of Red Sox Nation. PORN, as I prefer to call it. Holy fuck, I got 30 minutes of it on the radio last night and then turned to NESN. Another 30 minutes with Remy, the interim PORN pounding on Bill Simmons for calling him (Remy) a chain-smoker.

We already know that Luscious has no shame, but this is a low point.

Accordingly, I am pleased to announce my candidacy as PORN. As PORN, I would banish pink hats, and place Glenn Geffner in a dunking booth for all eternity. I would bring back the OC, make everyone wear a Manny doo-rag (cut out in the back optional). I would allow free admission to Kevin Millar and appoint Derrick Lowe Minister of Marital Affairs.

Your soon to be PORN,

lc

[Natalie]

God, today's strip is depressing.

I think LC hit the nail on the head when he said "just bored." These Sox have not looked as though they have fire in the blood this past month+. The word lackadaisical comes to mind. Here's hoping the increasingly hot breath of the Yankees on the backs of their necks gets them fired up. Or maybe its time for Tito to go all Joe Reardon on their asses, storming into the showers and throwing a load of bats at their feet: "You lollygag around the infield, you lollygag around the outfield. What's that make you? Larry?" "Lollygaggers..."

Random question of the day, brought on by viewing one too many commercials for Daddy Day Camp: Which (semi-)recent Academy Award winner has seen the most stunning collapse of his/her career? Cuba Gooding Jr or Mira Sorvino?

[IkeG]

Watch out, lou, the competition for PORN is stiff and it's a hard job. You don't want to be pulling any boners, lest the position itself be tainted.

Oh, sunofabitch, that game blew. Need need need a win tonight.

[IkeG]

Hmmm, Nat. Boat Trip vs Romy & Michelle ... tough one. What about Anna Paquin?

[h.b.]

lc,

You're right. Should have been all over that PORN stuff. But I guess I shot my wad back when LL first brought out the whole "id card" thing. I've got nothing left. Also I like to think (albeit wishfully) that by refusing to even acknowledge that stuff by way of criticism that maybe it'll never take hold and will go away in time.

[louclinton]

"Also I like to think (albeit wishfully) that by refusing to even acknowledge that stuff by way of criticism that maybe it'll never take hold and will go away in time."

The power of LL is beyond measure. Do not fight the power. Rather, roll over and present yourself for PORN.

I mean, they've got Gammons involved in the thing for Chrisssakes. The only way to deal with it is to mock it, IMHO.

PORN, '07

lc

[Harwich Rich]

One thing's for certain,somebody better wake up because playing win one-lose one ball is not going to get it done come playoff time.

[yazbread]

Well, Remy did say that Hazel Mae was in the running for PORN. Perfect match.

[Harwich Rich]

You have my vote,Lou. For a campaign slogan how about "PORN,what it means to be from Maine"

[Youk Rules]

At what point in the season do I just stop following games and say, "they're done"?

Because right now, my nerves can't take much more.

[COD]

It's times like this that I see some benefit to living way outside the NESN home territory. I haven't seen a game in about a month on TV, which puts me into this odd state of detachment where I can't get worked up over the fate of the team.

[Youk Rules]

COD,

You want to talk about detachment? I live in NYC. The only Sox games I've seen have been the 2 national games on FOX. I don't even have cable.

I follow along on my computer or BlackBerry.

It's a sickness. Distance is no cure.

[Bob]

Ugh. The thing that bothered me last night was that lots of the Sox were absolutely smoking the ball, but right at people.

[COD]

Well, yeah. I'm not stranger to the CBS Sportsline live feed. I don't follow whole games that way, but if it's close late I'll keep it open in a browser tab and "watch" the game.

[Kaz]

I know I broke this out once earlier this season as a comparison of the Sox and Yankees in April/May...but really, it's all Tale of Two Cities just in the Sox clubhouse alone.

Best of times, worst of times all in the same city/team. We're still one of the best teams in baseball (a fact that the optimists latch on to, we *did* get here somehow). We're currently in a lead-killing slump (a fact the pessimists latch on to). As long as we don't start setting up the guillotines, I think we're doing okay.

[Youk Rules]

Help me, Jebus!

[vermonter]

I cringed when I started hearing people in RSN (including CHB) declare the AL East race over at the break. Are you fucking kidding me?! The Stanks were 14 back what...a month ago? Now they are 8 back. If the Sox don't get some fire under their ass we could be even by mid-August. I'm not a pessimist by nature and nobody revels in their losing more than me, but declaring the race over was WAY premature. Would any coach ever advise his/her team at halftime that a game is in the bag?!

I'm not predicting a Sox loss either, we have a real good team and will likely hold on, but it's not over Johnny. Nothing is over.

[vasoxfan]

If I recall the red sox went .500 from May to August in 2004 and then got hot after the Cabrera/Menkey trade and won the wild card. We hope that don't happen this year. I am getting to old for this stuff. You win the ones you are supposed to and thats that. They should smoke the Royals.

[Bob]

//The Stanks were 14 back what...a month ago? Now they are 8 back.//

That's true, but it's been a bit more of a roller coaster than that stat makes it appear.

I believe the Skanks went from 14 down to within 8 about a month ago, then we extended it to 12 again, now back to 8...

Don't know what that proves exactly, other than that the Skanks have flaws too.

[vermonter]

Agreed, Bob. Not a straight line. It's easy to feel uncomfortable when trending down, and then sighs of relief when it turns. I think roller coaster is the correct term.

[Jason O.]

Her Majesty's Royal Navy, in the end, did not sink the Bismarck.

Interestingly, Dr. Robert Ballard's expedition discovered that the B's armor was so thick that no British torpedo penetrated her hull.

In the end, the fatal charges were set by her own crew.

History is unclear if each crewmember had to pay 14.95 reichmarks to serve on her.

[pudge]

An update: the Sox record against the AL since the end of May is 10-16.

10

and

16.

Sigh.

[Natalie]

Hey, (tongue in cheek) here's an elitest idea...If they are going to charge us $14.95 to become a "Citizen of Red Sox Nation" why not add a quiz? You know, basic shit, like "What happened in Game Six of the '86 World Series?" "Who did Duquette trade to get Varitek and Lowe?" or "Who is Bucky Dent?" to separate the wheat from the chaff? Then how 'bouts they only sell Sox hats to those true Citizens that passed the quiz? That way the only folks lidded as Sox fans are those that actually are. Then maybe we would not have to determine true fandom by the hat color (I think this constant pink hat criticism is a tad anti-chick, since no one lodges any complaints about the camoflauge, or black, or kelly green etc ones a lot of guys wear) but rather by knowledge of the team and the game.

All that said, I am prepared to punch my PORN ballot for lc, regardless of his anti-pink hat stance. Hope there is no resultant hanging chad controversy.

[Sonoma Sox]

Can we trade for ARod now - please!

Just for practice, of course, so Wakefield can plunk him with his 64 mph heater, AR can talk a load of shit, Tek can lower the hammer & we can have a good ole fight.

Whenever we slump, Tito can send AR out for batting practice & we can repeat the above scenario.

[da kine]

I nominate Tina Cervasio to be PORN. Why not have a Jersey chick lead this thing?

BTW, is she pregnant or just a really bad dresser? I'd still hit it, though.

[Bob]

Just saw this C.S. Lewis quote on my daily 4-As email. Applies to everyone on this site (even you loathsome Skank fans. :)))

Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone."

--C. S. Lewis

[louclinton]

Here's the problem with PORN. You have to be a member of the club to nominate somebody. My overweening desire for PORN does not overcome my distaste for shelling out 14.95 for a card. Somebody has to nominate me. If drafted, I will serve as PORN.

lc

[Bob]

But do you have to be a $14.95-er to be elected/serve as PORN? Or just to nominate?

[h.b.]

Can't we set up a president-in-exile or something or some other shadow government?

If so, I want lc as Prez and I'd like to be Minister of Disinformation or something.

And just to be non-partisan, surely we can find a role for Jason O in the administration.

[paddy24]

Youk Rules, let me get this straight. It's mid-July. The Sox are up by eight games, and your nerves can't take much more. Is it safe to say that you didn't watch Games 4, 5, and 6 of the 2004 ALCS vs. the Yankees? Because to me, that was pretty nerve-wracking. This is just more of the same sort of train wreck scenario of the 2006 season. It didn't have to be this way. If only Abreu hadn't hobbled back to snare that drive by Pedroia, it would have been over. That play gave the Yanks just enough lifeline to keep going.

[Bob]

According to Kaz and SoxDownUnder, I'd have to serve as the PORN's Court Jester.

(Harumph. Get 'em sausages and beer and that's the thanks I get.)

[louclinton]

If he would agree, I'd have Jason as Secretary of De Fence.

PORN '07

lc

[Bob]

Given his secret identity, H.B. would have to head up the CIA (Center Field Intelligence Agency).

[h.b.]

Yes, even better, head of the Spooks! I'm in.

[Natalie]

I nominate paddy24 for the post of Officer of Faith-Based Initiatives :)

[h.b.]

Or we could make him head of FEMA.

"You're doing a heckuva job, Paddy!"

[louclinton]

I've "feelers" out to Hazel Mae to be Head of Human Services [if you know what I mean].

Bob, would you consider a position in the kitchen cabinet, except,well, no cabinet involved [I was only jokin']. Actually, you could be in charge of the Supreme Court Bar [or any bar East of The Phillipines, for that matter]

h.b. can be anything he wants, just as is in the case of his creepy strip.

I was thinking George Bernard Shaw for Poet laureate, since he is such a good egg.

Kaz would be good for Director of Homeland Tshirtery.

sdu, I'm thinking could be ambassador to Australia. I don't have a funny Aussie joke. I hear they drink a lot of beer.

PORN '07

lc

[Bob]

If offered, I would be honored to take a position in LC's Liquur Cabinet.

I could also be in charge of administering the Bar Exam.

[Bob]

Heh. Misspelled "liquor."

Which makes sense in an odd sort of way.

[Follower of Tito]

lc...maybe you should sit down. According to the website, you need to be a member of LL's zombie nation. I think hb's idea of a shadow government would best course of action...or a coup d'état. In said government would humbly offer my services as Sturgeon General or Director of Pubic Health...whichever position opens first.

[Bob]

It'd be more fun to have a shadow gov anyway. How about Czar of Red Sox Nation?

CORN.

It's the healthy, less expensive alternative to PORN.

[Kaz]

Oddly, I'm wearing my R-E-D S-O-X sign-language t-shirt today (my Ortiz jersey and Ortiz t-shirt are both in the laundry)...

However, I think da kine would probably serve the post of Homeland Tshirtery better than I. I think pudge and/or paddy could handle the least known cabinent position out there: Secretary of the Inferior, conserving all of our past demons for us.

I could go for being Secretary of Stats Education or Secretary of Positive Energy...whichever is preferred, so long as Hazel Mae is my undersecretary...knowwhatimsayin, knowwhatimsayin?

[Jason O.]

My sordid past would be a media parade of constant distractions for the administration.

[louclinton]

"My sordid past would be a media parade of constant distractions for the administration."

Great Jason, you're in.

lc

[Jason O.]

Hopefully I'll be able to "pull a Villaraigosa" with either Stephanos or Frances Rivera.

For the uninitiated, google "Mirthala Salinas"

[Steve in MD]

Hey, if you think the PORN thing is getting tiresome, try watching the SAME F*ING COMMERCIAL at EVERY SINGLE BREAK (before and after each half inning and during ptiching changes ~26 times per game) since the Friday before July 4th, which is what those of us with the MLB extra innings have been subjected too...

BTW, I nominate Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald of townienews.com for PORN, just so I could see the debate.

[soxdownunder]

We hereby humbly accept the position of Ambassador downunder but Mrs SDU wants to know if we can spend the the southern winter in Boston (it's just SO cold down here)?

Chill, Bob, chill. We (royal plural) very much appreciated the beer, sausages and and 1/2 gallon of sriracha sauce.

BTW, bring back Rob de Connecticut - his dipolmatic skill could be very useful when we storm the palace and pillage Pres. Hazel Mae.

[Bob]

//We (royal plural) very much appreciated the beer, sausages and and 1/2 gallon of sriracha sauce.//

Heh. For those who don't know, when I got the sausages for the guys, I put a fair amount (as in about 5 squeezes on each sausage) of that hot Sriracha sauce on them.

Of course, not everyone loves that much as much as I do. At least not in that quantity. Next time, SDU was very diplomatic, and politely asked, "Mind if I dress the sausage myself?"

Cracked me up.

[NolaSox]

h.b. Oh, please no FEMA! (I need to go find my anti-depressants now)

And since I am now in Louisiana, I obviously am unqualified to serve in any government position and if elected would eventually either be indicted or forced to step down due to a sex scandal.

[SoCal BosSox Fan]

I watch games on mlb.tv normally but I am in the middle of about 10 days free MLB Extra Innings. Love getting the feed from NESN. My teenage son says Rem Dawg sounds like the color guy in his MLB Slugfest video game. Not the sound of his voice but the stupid stuff he talks about.

Anyway, didn't I hear that it cost $175 to throw a name in the hat for PORN?

[Sonoma Sox]

Pushing for CORN out here in PST land - power to the people!

First CORN event: big bonfire on the Commons where we burn pink hats (and the dumb cammo & black hats) and the idiots that spent 15 clams can burn their cards to be accepted as converts.

I'd fly home for that!

[IkeG]

I've had it ... this team has no interest in winning anymore. Fuck them.

[IkeG]

Can they avoid a frigging sweep against the mighty White Sox?

[Harwich Rich]

Shite-once again I miss all the good stuff (the posts,not the game)

[Fezzel]

I've been searching for the Red Sox Sign Language t-shirt for my boyfriend... we had seen it at a Drop Kick Murphy's show down in Va Beach and now I can't find it anywhere. He's deployed and I really want to send it to him while he's overseas so if anyone can help me it would be MUCH appreciated.

[Fezzel]

My correct email is [email protected]... Please ignore the misspelled hyperlink above.