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Mike:
Are you kidding me? I'm worried that I have no worries.
Mike:
Yeah, but the thing is, whenevah Shaughnessy pens one of his "feel good" pieces, it always feels like I'm being offered a plate of meaty hors d'oeuvres by Jeffrey Dahmer?
Mike:
"Jeez, Jeff, these look delicious, what are they?"
"Oh, those are just something I whipped up from some leftovahs in my freezah."
Susan:
And strangely, but strange in a very, very satisfying way, the diametric opposition of fortunes between the Yankees and the Red Sox becomes more acute with each passing day.
Susan:
Yet anothah example of how A-Rod can't get anything right … If you're going to cheat on your wife and get your misdeed plastahed all ovah Page 6, at least do it with an A-List courtesan and not some white trash bimbo you plucked off the stage of the Jerry Springah show.
Mike:
Sigh. The ol' dropping the shouldah move just ain't what it used to be.
Bill:
That was the best Memorial Day weekend evah!
Bill:
And this through 50 games this is the best staht since, cue ominous music, 1986.
Mike:
An already fantastic weekend make all the sweetah by Youkilis not only extending his hitting streak to 20 games but also getting that inside the pahkah.
Bill:
That is my favorite moment of the 07 season so fah …
Lisa the Temp:
Have you noticed, peeps, how the 3-day weekends are stretching into 4-day weekends around here?
Lisa the Temp:
Luckily Lisa is on the case and picking up the slack.
Doug:
Is it just me, or has Schilling pretty much been "teh Suck" against the Yankees since the Ballad of the Bloody Sock?
Bill:
Yeah, well, the shutting up 55,000 Yankees fans consequence of the Bloody Sock pretty much gives the Schill a perpetual carte blance with me with regard to performance.
Bill:
Besides at 9½ up, it's hahd to get too flustahed.
Bill:
Ah, yes, the glory days for New York. Maybe, too, if they bring back disco, the Son of Sam, double-digit inflation, the Love Canal, and garbage strikes all will be well again in Skankeeland.
Doug:
Good times, good times.
Susan:
Thank God for the small miracles in life.
Susan:
Yeah, well, I'm gonna cut those Guidos some slack.
Susan:
Think about it — Who knows what kinds of repressed A-Rod memories were triggered at Disney upon seeing a big-eared mouse wearing white gloves?
Mike:
Yeah, it's a small world, aftah all.
Bill:
Absolutely. Our fate is sealed. The mystique and aura is unassailable. Time to put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye, et cetera, et cetera.
Mike:
So you want to do Thai for lunch?
Bill:
I dunno, sometimes Thai is just, you know, a tad too Thai to the tummy.
Bill:
Now you're talking. Love me some Phở.
Bill:
Well, like the song says — Qu'est que c'est phở phở phở phở phở phở phở phở phở phở bettah.
Bill:
No kidding. As David Ortiz says: "We don't need to worry about nobody right now. Everybody needs to worry about us."
Doug:
But speaking of airports, I got stuck yestahday in the air traveller purgatory of the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta Craport and had to enduah watching Kason Gabbard's superb debut via the technological backwater of TBS.
Bill:
Ah, yes, "the chatty, focused, yet effusive," Chip Caray.
Doug:
Dude, did you know TBS has the rights to this year's Division Series?
Bill:
I vaguely recall hearing that — But can't be any worse than ESPN or FOX, right?
Doug:
Well, you'd think, except that as my 5 hour, vodka-tonic drenched relationship with TBS made as clear as is possible in 480i — TBS does not broadcast in HD!!
Doug:
Seriously. What the frig is wrong with people?
Bill:
I guess it's what you'd expect from Ted Turner. The guy was cutting edge at one time but is now stuck in the past.
Doug:
Seriously, just look at the Braves. Hey, Ted, 1990 called and they want their wife beatah manager back.
Susan:
If Tavarez can pitch like that, I don't care if he doesn't know who his mothah is, let alone knowing who Ernie Banks is.
Mike:
Absolutely. I've nevah understood the fan and media preoccupation with playahs needing to know, cue musical flourish, "The History" of the game.
Susan:
Really. Look at Keith Foulke. The dude didn't even much like baseball, yet that doesn't detract from the fact that he played a pivotal role in one of the greatest moments in the entiah history of baseball.
Doug:
Cocky? Are you kidding me? Aftah a loss and a rain out, nothing for a man to do but sit around and think.
Mike:
Thinking and thinking, 'till there ain't nothing you ain't thunk?
Mike:
C'mon, dude. That's the nature of the 162 game season. It's a long journey. Just follow the yellow brick road.
The Soxaholix are out of the office on business travel. …
Your omniscient author in absentia: Strips will return on Friday.
I'm on biz travel, so I leave you with Lisa the Temp. (New image may require a cache dump or force refresh …)
Lisa the Temp:
Well, well, well, peeps, will you check this shit out?
Lisa the Temp:
Lisa's joined the Cult of Mac. Alas I, too, can ooze pretension.
Lisa the Temp:
Should I wear a black turtleneck now?
Lisa the Temp:
Of course, I fully expect an iPhone on June 1st.
Lisa the Temp:
Yes, peeps, I'm an ungrateful and greedy temp worker.
Lisa the Temp:
Don't you judge me.
Doug:
Heh. Who knew that watching the 2007 Red Sox would require the patience and perseverance of a tantric sex act.
Mike:
Jeez, haven't any tautologous Yankees fans reminded them (and then reminded them) of the Mystique and Aura and how early it is yet?
Doug:
Meanwhile, memo to Josh Beckett: It's ok to throw your slidah, but, er, stay away from the slicah, mmm-kay?
Mike:
What the frig it up with dude's fingahs? I mean my gay hair stylist Stéphane has toughah hands than Beckett.
Mike:
Yeah, anothah friggin "Mission Accomplished" there I guess.
Doug:
I know. And what's up with all the angah? These are halcyon days for New Englandahs.
Bill:
Yeah, gotta figure that dude was a Yankees fan.
Doug:
Absolutely. Farrell needs a tag line and t-shirt too.
Hart Brachen, humble author of The Soxaholix:
Hart here on the trolley of life, next stop [garbled] …
H.B.:
Well, after yesterday's strip it seems I've painted myself into quite a corner with this whole "let's not jinx the hot streak by discussing it" plot device.
H.B.:
Don't know why I didn't see the potential ramifications inherent to such a move.
H.B.:
I guess this is a taste of what it feels like to be a writer for the TV series Lost.
H.B.:
So where do we go from here? Quite simple, really. I'm going to go up to the White Mountains to see what Jacob says … while you all need to go off and kill your fathers (for no explicable reason).
H.B.:
Oh, and by the way, minor detail — you're all dead anyway after the meteor destroyed the world the day after the Sox won the World Series in 2004 (or did they?).
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
No we don't. We need to prolong the moment by pretending it doesn't even exist. I mean, "what moment?"
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Surely I can bring up the rookie Ped–
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Dude, shut the frig up already.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Sarkozy kicked ass.
Mike:
Yep, and just think, they may soon be at .500! Oh noz!
Doug:
Abso-effin-lutley I totally enjoyed this line: "You want to know why the Yankees had to get Clemens? Because they didn’t get Schilling, Beckett or Matsuzaka" Ouch.
Mike:
So when an MSM guy like Callahan rips on the Tankees, do you think he gets bombahded with angry fan emails the way bloggahs do?
Doug:
Are you kidding me? Right now the servahs at thesauras.com are working reving their CPUs as a couple hundred hair-gelled Neanderthals in velour track suits attempt to find some "big words" for their "Yankees r da winnerz youseguys and youse Red Sawx are da suck" missives.
Doug:
Yeah, but at least there's truth in the "the Yankees need me" statement. The Red Sox, according to Clemens own agent even, ? not so much.
Bill:
But while Clemens is definitely going to improve the starting rotation, the irony is that he isn't going to give the already ass dragging Yankees bullpen much of a break.
Doug:
No mattah what this certainly makes the season more interesting. I'm oddly giddy.
Susan:
[Singing] Who can take a tie game
Turn it to 'Amen!'
Launch one in the wind out past the bullpen?
The Mannyman, the Mannyman can,
The Mannyman can 'cause to hit is what he loves
And makes the game end good.
Mike:
Hell yeah Manny does! And so much for his slumping April.
Mike:
Absolutely. And while we're recognizing the the total effaht, let's remembah how important a role Hideki Okajima and Alex Cora have played in getting to 17-9.
Susan:
Bob Ryan says it so well this morning: "it's always nice to be reminded that what will always separate sport from entertainment is this wonderful element of the unknown. We do not know how the games will turn out and we do not know who will determine the outcome."
Susan:
You know the first I thought of when I saw that? In the next few days Peyton Manning should get himself photo'ed in a Red Sox cap.
Mike:
Fatal error: exception Invalid_argument("String.create"). Brain shutting down.
Susan:
Exactly! Our collective heads would implode from the mordant irony of it all.
Lisa the Temp:
Oh, come on now, my peeps. It's not all bad. At least you've got me, Lisa the Temp, to keep you company.
Lisa the Temp:
And since I'm a multi-talented pro, I can give you the hot Red Sox action you come here for.
Lisa the Temp:
I mean how hard can it be? Watch and learn, peeps …
Lisa the Temp:
So Character 1 goes, "Wow did you see so and so from the Red Sox do [insert something good or something bad]."
Lisa the Temp:
And then Character 2 goes, "Holy f-bomb yeah I did [insert pop culture reference]."
Lisa the Temp:
And Character 1 then says, "Surely this is a sign of [insert obvious or obscure literary reference]."
Lisa the Temp:
And next Character 2 expounds, "And by the way, the Yankees suck."
Lisa the Temp:
And then hilarity ensues.
Lisa the Temp:
See, my peeps, nothing to it.
Lisa the Temp:
And don't be afraid to say it — You loves you some Lisa.
Doug:
Hey, at least Youks extended his hitting streak to 22 games.
Doug:
Don't you mean "wondah if some poorly paid mlb.com lackey is gonna blog about it"?
Bill:
True. The Jewish God of OBP doesn't have time for blogging.
Doug:
I will give him this, though. Unlike his previous knavery, this time his "move" was actually successful.
Doug:
Yeah, right now the Yankees front office is on the phone with someone from US immigration trying to get her an expedited visa to travel with the team and teach A-Rod some more tricks from the Brass Rail manual of success.
Bill:
Seriously, I can just hear King George yelling, "Cashman? Cashman! Get that young lady off the stage pole and get her on the payroll!"
Doug:
Of course, she could just cross the bordah and work here illegally like everyone else does.
Bill:
Oh, Doug, c'mon. This is not some two-bit vaudeville act we're talking about. These are the New York Yankees fercrissakes. And the Yankees have a Tradition™ that does not abide cheating or rule breaking.
Doug:
Oh, right. How could I forget?
Mike:
And, bang, just like that, Papelbon's encryption is blown open up like a papier-mâché, donkey at Mexican birthday pahty.
Mike:
No kidding. I mean his adversarial relationship with Schilling is adequate, but with Schilling already having proved himself and with his good deeds with the SHADE Foundation, it's difficult for the CHB to get his full throbbah hate-on going.
Doug:
Randy Moss is like a perfect storm for Shaughnessy. With Moss in town, the CHB may even be able to surpass his Offerman "piece of filth" level of malignance.
