If fear was plucky, and globes were square

Marty:
So, Callaghan, you can stop dreaming of the storybook return of Clemens to the Sawx, as it's pretty clear his eyes are on the Yankees. No surprise, really.

 

---

Bill:
Jeez, Mahty, are you still listening to the Spice Girls as well? C'mon last time I spent any time thinking about Roger Clemens was way back in 1996.

 

---

Bill:
It's time to move on, Mahts. We're too busy over hear learning Japanese to have any time trying to remembah how to speak Redneck Texan.

 

---

Marty:
Oh, yes, I forget. All your eggs in the one Japanese basket that has never faced major league hitters.

 

---

Bill:
Matsuzaka's looked pretty good so fah.

 

---

Marty:
Has he really Callaghan? Funny because I'm reading scouting reports saying Dice-K's  "command and control was only average" and that "he looked like a No. 2 or 3 starter."

 

---

Bill:
Ah, memo to Mahty: The Red Sox acquired him as a numbah 2 or 3 guy.

 

---

Bill:
Besides we both know you're lying awake a night in cold sweats thinking about the gyroball.

 

---

Marty:
Yeah, well, that might make sense, Billy Boyo, since just like a dream, the gyroball doesn't really exist.

 

---

Bill:
Too funny that this is coming from the same guy who in back in college also claimed the vaginal orgasm was a myth? How's that one working out for you, Mahty the Minuteman.

 

---

Marty:
Real funny, Callaghan. Don't you ever get tired of the ad hominem?

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, that's what your girlfriend said, too.

 

---

Marty:
Talking to Red Sux Nation is like talkign to a bucnh of 12 year olds.

 

---

Bill:
Truth is it doesn't really mattah if the gyro exists or not.

 

---

Marty:
Oh, Billy, it's going to matter to you Sawx fans when you're 11 games back (again).

 

---

Bill:
Right, Mahts, because we all know nothing evah changes from year to year in baseball. That's why, of course, no team has evah come back from being down 3-0 in the playoffs … Oh, wait a second … What's that Mahty? Hello? Helloooo?

 

---

Author's Notes:
Today's title is from e.e. cumming's poem "If" which captures so well that love/hate dichotomy between Red Sox and Yankees fans.

Comments

[da'beads]

I hate Marty.

[Cormac]

''Oh, yes, I forget. All your eggs in the one Japanese basket that has never faced major league hitters.''

I love how 90% of US based media types are completely ignoring the fact that Matsuzaka was the MVP of the WBC, a tournament the States couldn't even medal at.

[jamesfrmmaine]

I hate Marty too, but I love these exchanges... isn't this what part of being a fan is all about? Isn't it awesome when skanks fans just hangup when you mention the greatest comeback of all time?

Funny strip today HB.

[Marty]

Ah, just like dear Bill, you are very causal with the facts...

Here's the deal.

Matsuzaka pitched only 13 IP in the WBC (and 0 against the U.S./DR/PR). Also, he wasn't even by far the best pitcher on the staff.

Shunsuke Watanabe and Koji Uehara both pitched as well in as many or more innings. If you use the WBC as a measure, then every Asian pitcher should have been signed.

Both Japan and Korea were well ahead of many of the other teams in terms of preparation, so not surprisingly, they featured excellent pitching (and made it so far).

Furthermore, Chan Ho Park and Jae Seo were among the two best pitchers in the whole tournament and we know how they have fared in the major leagues.

Enjoy your Japanese lessons, suckers.

Sincerly,

Marty

[Bob]

Heh-heh-heh. Having Skankee trolls post meaningless WBC stats to calm their fraying nerves is quite pleasant.

"7.2 this-that-there-then means this-that-who-what, and if you multiply that by the length of A-Fraud's penis, you get 1.12 which is the meridian point of Japanese herbal healing, meaning Mothra will fail. Suckers."

[vermonter]

All this talk reminds me of the days of Mr. Fuji and Professor Taru Tanaka. Back when All-Star Wrestling was cool.

[vermonter]

Oh yeah...I hate Marty, too.

[Billy Mahty]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14471572/site/newsweek/

[h.b.]

Right back at ya, Billy Mahts.

[Bob]

My tickets just arrived!

They smell so very sweet. A combination of sausage, peppers, onions, hotdog, peanuts, and a very strng scent of beer.

My Skankee games are on April 21 and September 15 (both Saturdays, praise the Lord).

Also have games against Seattle, Toronto, Detroit, Colorado, KC, Anaheim, Tampa Bay, and Oakland.

A very nice mix, I must say.

[Dave S.]

Spring Training = Fun to watch, generally meaningless = WBC

[da kine]

I saw Monstah pitch during the WBC and I thought his shit was sick. Filthy, like A-Fraud after a trip to San Fran's Castro Street.

[Bob]

Does everyone think Mothra is going to be penciled-in as the #3 starter?

If so, guess what?

My April 11th game against Seattle will be Mothra's home debut. Against Ichiro.

Oh God, please let it be so...

[Pond]

From the Times article, I got the feeling Clemens is looking for a job for his kid, not himself. Seems like the Yanks could use a third baseman . . .

Vaginal orgasams cracked me up. Score one Bill. I might have to shamelessly steal that line.

[Billy Mahty]

hahaha... good one h.b. even i get a kick out of that one.

[Rob in CT]

Thanks, Bill. Marty was really pissing me off today.

h.b., when you dive deep to channel Marty, how long does it take you to come back up for air? Do you need to shower after finishing a strip with him? Marty is SO like the assorted asshats I have to work with that spout that same shit. Ad hominem indeed!

[h.b.]

Good question, Rob.

Actually in "becoming" Marty, it's a catharsis.

It makes me fairly impervious to real Yankees fan comments, as I've already heard it in my own mind.

Also I love to imagine playing the role of double secret agent for the Red Sox Nation and infiltrating their bases and killing their d00ds from deep within.

All ur base are belong to us!

[Rob in CT]

HA HA! You'll never believe it, but as I started reading your "double secret agent" comment, I was already planning the snarky "All ur beisaboll are belong to us!" comment. As usual, you beat me to it...

Interesting perspective on how your channeling Marty throws up the force field against real Skankee fans. I'd think it might be easier to hear the words from an asshat than coming from your own inner monologue, though.

Man, I enjoy reading your stuff. Now I'm picturing Marty as a secret double agent in the employ of John Henry. Full access to the front office; downloading files in the black of night from Cashman's laptop, randomly swapping prospects' names and performance data ahead of the supplemental draft, altering the number of sugars Steinbrenner likes in his coffee, etc.

I'm giddy.

[Jason O.]

Before everyone makes a mess of themselves in this giant circle jerk:

The strip was weak. Imagining what a fictitious character would say and then patting each other on the back over it?

Once again, we hear about 2004, after years of complaints about Yankees fans invoking past glories like Babe Ruth, Bucky Dent et al. "We have seen the faces of the enemy and they are us", indeed.

Moreover, I'm considering never fucking watching another baseball game again, as today my constant Yankees loyalty is superceded by waves of disgust about MLB and DirecTV.

Revoke the antitrust exemption, now. If MLB wants to maximize revenue like a public company, why the fuck should they not play by the same rules?

[Rob in CT]

My, aren't we the sourpuss today. Did your tzatziki go bad in the fridge or something?

n00b.

Agree about that f-ing devil-incarnate Seilig and tha the DirecTV deal, though... I mean really. wtf?

[buckner was framed]

Bob-
According to the Globe, (or was it the Tacoma News Trib?), April 11 will indeed be Dice-K's first home start. If so, I'll meet you at Gate B for a Kirin... Can you imagine how the whole country of Japan is going to come to a screeching halt when Ichiro digs in to lead off?

[h.b.]

Ah, the angry Jason! I love it.

Furor fit laesa saepius patientia, dude!

As for circle-jerking, I've never quite understood the insult therein.

I mean, I like to masturbate. And I like exhibitionism.

But, you know, maybe it's because of the immense power and trajectory of my ejaculation and the cries of "OMFG I didn't know it was physically possible for such a tremendous load to travel so far, so fast!!!" from the other circlers.

What can I say? It is a gift. Votis subscribunt fata secundis.

I can see how if you're one of the "dribblers" in the group, it would be a whole lot less fun.

But you know, hang in there and all. If you practice tightening your sphincter, say, 100-200 times in row, several times a day, for a year or so, you may get lucky enough to get beyond the Quae ante pedes chagrin.

Quod in te est, prome, Jason!

[Devine]

I just take it as a continuing trend from the last Marty strip. Bill's not susceptible to Marty's taunts right now (not as much, anyway), and Marty is mildly (not nearly so much as last time with the Matsuzaka bit) flustered.

This will probably change if the Red Sox are 8 back at the end of June.

I'd say we've got a rotation and lineup that project to be at least pretty good (lots of question marks, lots of potential in the rotation), and a bullpen that looks to be shaky at best and awful at worst (though you never know with the bullpen, people have such up and down years, it's so random).

Oh well, bring it on. Let's see if this '07 Red Sox thing works.

[Bob]

Buckner, I will most certainly meet you for a Kirin inside Gate B, as that's where I enter the park. After, of course, a nice sausage with peppers, onions, and a liberal dose of Sriracha directly across the street.

[Jason O.]

To review:

1) Using insults that you previously cried oceans about...

2) Shameless self-promotion and arrogance...

I knew there was a reason I came here, no pun intended.

And to paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen: I knew Peter North, I watched many of Peter North's videos.

You, sir, are no Peter North.

[Bob]

I have no doubt you did know Peter North, JO. No doubt at all. :))

[Bob]

Oh, and feel free to use my previous comments about "entering Gate B and eating sausage" to your advantage.

I certainly would.

[h.b.]

2) Shameless self-promotion and arrogance...

At last, you've recognized me for what I truly am: The Antonella Barba of the sports blog world.

(But only the pics of me on the toilet were really me. The rest were bad photoshops.)

Alterutra clarescere fama. Sive bonum, sive malum, fama est.

[soxdownunder]

Hey Bob,
Are your Tampa tickets for the early July series? I sure hope so - I may need some assistance in finding the best sausage sandwich.

And is Jason O Okay? I think Mothra's gyroball is playing with his mind.

[soxdownunder]

and speaking of flaming genitals:
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/03/09/1173166933840.html

[mikeya2k1]

i will give jason o credit for one thing. this baseball package deal could really screw connecticut sox and yankee fans. i mean it is not out of the realm of possibility that the powers that be decide that im in yankee country and lose sox games. ill admit to not really knowing all the intracasies(SP) of the deal but i gotta tell ya some jackass deciding what games i watchis really gonna piss me off

[buckner was framed]

SDU, I have tix to the 7/3 and 7/4 games- I'll pinch hit for Bob if needed. Bob- "Entering Gate B and eating sausage"- that's obstructed view, right?

[soxdownunder]

BWF that's excellent news. As a teenager might say c u there. And Bob's would be an obstructed view to be sure!!

[Dave S,]

The catharsis that HB enjoys in releasing his inner-Marty is not unlike what a Yankee fan feels in releasing his inner Sully. Now, HB is an honest man, and as such, occasionally his inner-Marty one-ups Bill. But, for the most part, Marty ends up looking a bit of the ass, and all too reliably hateful to teh Sox faithful. Thus, the Sox fans who are the targeted demo of this site are privy to the ever-enjoyable pitchfork 'n' torch jamboree that HB throws here. But before you all get too chuffed with yourselves and enjoy the insider circle-jerks that Sox fans like to give in imagining themselves the second cumming of the Messiah, take a cold shower and note that for every Marty, there is a Sully. You won't find Sully in HB's clip art, but he's every bit the jackass, the smug, certain caricature that Marty is.

Come on, HB...give us Yankee trolls a Sully...if you won't give us the real Yankee-fan homunculus that tortures you, at least give us Marty's Sox-fan counter. No Circle, Bill or Doug, but a Sox fan that they would themselves tire of.

[Bob]

Jeez, I can't tell if I'm being ripped on or not. :))

DownUnder, I sent a message to your personal email concerning the games I have while you're here.

In any case, we'll meet up beforehand for drinks. I think the Baseball Tavern is the answer to all life's ills, personally.

That, and a sausage outside Gate B. (Oh good Lord, here we go again...)

Have a great weekend all.

[NYSoxfan]

Mahty is the personification of all the assjacks I have to deal with in New York, running their maws all the damn time. I will say this for the Yankees --I thought it was a classy move that $teinbrenner & the Yankees have offered to pay the funeral expenses of the family from Mali that was devastated by the fire in the Bronx this week... probably dreamed up by uber-PR man Howard Rubenstein but good on the Boss all the same. Now let's go out and kick their asses on Tuesday to show them bastids the Sox are gonna be the beast in the East in 2007 and slam the book on the Torre, E-Rod era once and for all. Goddam.

[SoxSweepAgain]

One of the BEST "Soxaholix" you've ever done, HB.

I'm smiling my face off.

Domo arigato.

[SoxSweepAgain]

Mark my words: We're running away with the AL East, even if the MFY do sign Rajah the Rocket.