Pass the Jesus Juice

Bill:
Well, it's comforting, I guess, to learn that born-again Christian J.D. Drew doesn't rely solely on prayah to help him with injuries …

 

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Bill:
From the Eagle-Tribune we learn he's turned to such gadgets as "a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, an infrared sauna, chips implanted in his cell phones and computers to limit radiation damage."

 

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Doug:
I wondah if relying solely on prayah might sound more comforting? I mean do we really want to spend several years with an outfieldah who sounds like he just stepped out of Michael Jackson's Wonderland Ranch?

 

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Bill:
Hey, now, don't knock it. I mean, c'mon, Jacko is the picture of health and all.

 

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Doug:
So did you see that Batshit Tavarez is pitching lights out in the Caribbean Series?

 

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Bill:
But he left Monday's game in the sixth with a sore ankle. Let's hope it's nothing serious.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. Because we all know Tavarez is going to need that ankle come Spring Training to stomp on dudes.

 

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Comments

[Bob]

Batshit Nosferatu will just spend a couple of hours in JD's hyperbolic chamber, and the ankle will be fine.

[Dave S.]

It's Close To Midnight
And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark
Under The Moonlight
You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart
You Try To Scream
But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It (Yeah)
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
You're Paralyzed!

[yazbread]

J.D. Drew sounds like a certifiable nut case. I think the over-under on his season should be set at 81 games.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

The DR beat Venezuela? I thought el presidente outlawed losing.

5 years, $70 mil for Miss Cleo's last paying customer? Man I hope those escape clauses are ironclad. Personally, I would've taken the cash we (sorta) gave JD and paid up Trot. I don't think we'll be seeing a heavy-hitting right fielder out there for quite some time, so it's all about who can play that corner. Maybe that's JD but right now he's an unknown unknown.

[Jeff]

Someone should ask JD Drew if he believes in dinosaurs. Sounds like Crazy Carl Everett all over again, but with CA-laid-backishness instead of barely-contained rage.

[da kine]

I have some magical magnets just cluttering the house up. Mayhaps JD could use a portion of that fat contract to acquire some of them? $500/oz., JD. E-mail me and we can arrange shipment.

[louclinton]

The guy hasn't even yanked on his jock and I am already tired of him. Unless he has an orgasmatron that he would like to rent out, then I am done with Nancy.

lc

[Redsauce]

There's no way we get out of Drew's contract in the back end. The panel of 3 dr's has to agree that it is the exact same injury as before--with one of those doctors being Nancy's own personal. The language was nice and all, but there's no way the Red Sox get out of giving Drew the full amount.

[Rob in CT]

lou - sweet "Sleeper" reference. I got to see Woody Allen film part of that movie when I lived in Colorado. A friend of mine got a part as an extra during the scenes in the weird looking safe house they bring him to after waking up his character. It's an actual house up around Green Mountain somewhere, not far from where I used to live. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

And I concur with the general sentiment here - I'm already tired of Nancy.

[josh]

Um...the hyperbaric chamber is an FDA-approved treatment option for post-surgical wounds and sports-related aches and pains. Lots of guys swear by it, including Gilbert Arenas and TO...not exactly pictures of mental health themselves, but still, its medical benefits are pretty well documented. Most of the other stuff sounds pretty cooky...but who cares, at least he's trying to stay healthy. And never underestimate the placebo effect.

[josh]

Oh, and tough shit all...you're stuck with him. Deal with it. I don't really understand how you can be sick of someone who hasn't...uh...said or done anything bad yet. If the first 5 months of this season go by without incident and Drew stays healthy and productive, I hope you've got a nice supply of crow at your disposal...

[Doug Roy]

Um...the hyperbaric chamber is an FDA-approved...

And lordy knows that's one mofo of a stamp of approval [cough] vioxx [cough] ephedra ...

And being a government agency and all it's not like the FDA is susceptible to any sort of impropriety like, say, "an analysis of financial conflicts at 159 FDA advisory committee meetings from Jan. 1, 1998, through last June 30 finding 92% of the meetings, at least one member had a financial conflict of interest."

Now where'd I put my wiccan healing crystal, fercrissakes. I need to cast a love spell on Megan the Vegan.

[Jack]

Batshit Nosferatu will just spend a couple of hours in JD's hyperbolic chamber, and the ankle will be fine.

Surely you're exaggerating Bob.

[Scott]

JD is on EEI right now. Sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. Don't like the deal but I will think nothing but positive vibes and give him a chance.

Don't bash the hyperberic chamber. That equipment healed TO's busted up ankle for SB 39.

Amen!

[Rob in CT]

"I hope you've got a nice supply of crow at your disposal..."

If Nancy goes .340 ba/50 hr's/.670 obp this season and learns the hops off the walls, I will gladly stand in the middle of traffic in Kenmore Square and chew each bite 25 times. Just don't see it, and am very suspicious of proclamations of higher power be it the result of prayer, Wiccan crystals or pyramids.

God really doesn't care who wins athletic competitions, and I don't like athletes giving credit to a higher power (and by extention blame for a poor performance?) for a given outcome. Smacks of voodoo, not a man's personal relationship with God's redemptive power. (Okay, I'll turn my collar back around now...)

[Jason O.]

It all started with Constantine, who before the battle of the Milvian Bridge in about 310 supposedly "converted" to Christianity and credited Jesus et al for the victory.

Another perspective might be that he converted to Christianity because at that point Christianity had spread to almost all of the empire so he abolished the Roman pantheon for political reasons.

I find it hilarious that using magnetic fields for health maintenance is so widespread...weren't magnetic fields from power lines going to kill us all 15 years ago?

It's like three card monte...it's global cooling, no it's magnetic fields, no it's global warming, wait a second it's 2nd hand smoke...

[Kaz]

I'm more of a "show me what you can do" fan. I also don't care what JD/Nancy does in his Freak House of Repairs. Aren't some people coming down on his goofy fixemup shop the same people who think it's just Manny Being Manny and excuse his wild-child behavior because he's one of the best hitters in the game?

So he's not a Red Sox For The Ages...we've had plenty of people who pass through these hallowed grass blades that are goofballs we never want to hear from again. Maybe it's worse that Trot is going out the door at the same time JD is coming in, but really, let's see if he can play.

I remember people being happy to see Wily Mo show up on his first day, just to watch him drop more balls than a gang of 13-year-olds slipping into their first XXX theater.

[Dave S.]

Ah, Constantine conquering by the cross, the very model of religion as instrument of political expediency.

So Jason, you're on the whole "global warming is a bunch of bunk" bandwagon?

[benschon]

Nancy thinks wearing a PENDANT has medical value. This is from
the FAQ page about this device:

Q. What will I feel when I start wearing the BIOLife Pendant?

A. Most people feel happy, calm and focused. They feel less stressed and sometimes more energetic. Some sleep more soundly. Different people have different results.

On the bright side, the pendant only costs him $269 of his $70 million, so there's not a lot of financial risk.

[h.b.]

If this thread turns into a global warming crapfest, I swear to the bearded prophet (no, not the revered one who inspires religious fanaticism, I'm talking about the bearded versoin of Al Gore, oh but wait ...) I shall summon the unforgettable gay Peruvian to go all polar bear on your asses.

[louclinton]

Rob Deer was probably a Christian, too.

I think I will call JD Joanne instead, 1) to increase the verisimilitude of his initials and 2)in tribute to
Joanne Dru [sister to Peter Marshall, host of Hollywood Squares and Aunt of Major Leaguer ( for a cup ) Pete LeCock].

Joanne reminds me more of Dane Bichette or Jack Clark (oof).

lc, crank to the stars.

[Jason O.]

Not "global warming is bunk." I've read in many places that the earth was about a half of a degree warmer on average in 2000 than 1900. That's empirical data.

The enaction of public policy on highly confident predictions of what's going to happen 50 to 100 years from now tends to set off the 'ol bullshit detector. How does one experimentally validate a model that tells you what will happen in 2075?

Unless you're Dr. Who, of course.

[Jason O.]

I did not see the aforementioned directive, hb. 1000 pardons.

[Rob in CT]

lou - is that the same Joanne Dru who co-starred with [salute] John Wayne in "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon"? Hot 1940's mama! Didn't know she was Peter Marshall's mom. Where do you come up with this stuff?

[Rob in CT]

Hart - with all due deference to this being your site and all, with these sub-zero windchill factors here in N.E., I'm all in favor of a little global warming right about now...

[h.b.]

Jason,

No problem. But, unfortunately, the wheels are already in motion... So if you happen to see a certain gay Peruvian following you home from work (he's really quite unforgettable, so you'll know him when you see him), I absolve myself of all responsibility.

[Scott]

Say what you want, but global warming is a fact. Man is changing the climate. That much is not open to debate.

If we should do anything about it is another question altogeter.

I'm all for it. Hopefully in 20-years my families house in South Dennis will be beach front...

[louclinton]

Rob,she was Marshall's older sister, hence LeCock's Aunt. My head is full of useless shit.

[soxdownunder]

If you want a crapfest on global warming, I suggest you follow the thoughts of the Australian Prime Minister over the last ten years. But, holy fuck, here comes a polar bea.....

[mikeya2k1]

hb please put this one on file and bring it out around mid july. id love to see drews numbers at that point and reflect on this day. and rob in ct, you mean he has to put up better numbers than manny to get your respect as a player?? 316 ba 28 hr wouldnt do it for you? i guess im to easy to please. i will afterall drink dewers. cheers

[sco]

Hey guys, give Drew a chance. Plenty of time to run him out of town later if he does not produce. Theo is partially to blame for this one as well. Personally I would have liked the Sawx reward loyalty and hard work and re-sign The Trotster, but nope, we let him go and sign with the Indians.

[Rob in CT]

Mikey - .316/28/.400 would be just fine - but I won't chew each bite 25 times. Prone to a bit of hyperbole now and then, I guess. Point being, only the late Mr. Eko gets a Jesus stick. All others have to use a Louisville Slugger.

Lou - you are a veritable fount of arcane knowledge.

[dustysglove07]

Rob Ct,
Yeah, I thought the same thing. JD is shielding the minute amount of electromagnetic energy from his cell phone and computer but seemingly taking a bath in electromagnetic waves from some expensive machine that the snake oil dealer sold him? Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense.