A rivalry only a hikikomori could ignore

Mike:
So Lucchino and Manny had bonding moment yestahday, but nobody knows for sure what they discussed.

 

---

Doug:
Are you kidding me? I'm sure Lucky was all "you know it's that punk kid Theo who wants to trade you right, Manny? Not me. The Larry loves The Manny. "

 

---

Mike:
Heh. But, seriously, we need to cut Lucchino some slack. I mean when you read this ESPN piece you realize how crucial he was in the Matsuzaka pursuit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, OK, I'll tip my cap to both Larry and The Dentist on that one.

 

---

Doug:
This whole Japanese adventure is going to be the nads, you know?

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. And it looks like Matsui is gearing up his own electric nut massage in this interview snip …

 

---

Mike:
Interviewer: "What about facing Matsuzaka? Will you hit his fastball?"

Matsui: "When he throws me a good fastball…I'll swing…it will go deep…into the Red Sox bullpen…and into Okajima's glove, as he's warming up."

 

---

Doug:
Christ, I love Matsui for saying that. Bring it on, dude-san.

 

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Mike:
This is shaping up to be the best summah evah.

 

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The cypress in the courtyard

Bill:
Now this is rich — After years of wearing sheepskin Uggs, it's only just now dawned on PETA spokesperson Pamela Anderson just what that, er, entrails.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of mutton, how 'bout some pics them frosh chops Mr. David Pinto?

 

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Bill:
See Manny's red highlights?

 

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Doug:
Manny looks good no mattah what he does.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, the guy's a walking Zen koan …

 

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Bill:
"Only by being late can one be early."

 

---

Paying the bills

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Day job deadlines and strip creation are not a good mix … Will return when I can. In the meantime, for your contemplation: David Ortiz arrived at spring training feeling more fit and powerful than ever after changing his offseason workout routine …

 

---

I give you my sprig of lilac

Bill (thinking to himself):
"We were laughing. He just collapsed."

 

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When you wish upon a car

Bill:
So this is behoah your day, but there was this show back in the 60s called "My Mothah the Cah" …

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I think I've seen that on TV Land once. It's awful.

 

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Bill:
Well, evidently Manny saw it, too.

 

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Doug:
Hey, since it's all the rage to remake old TV shows, they should so bring that show back starring Manny and his mom as the cah.

 

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Bill:
You know, I actually think it's a good thing in the long run that Manny is always Being Manny.

 

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Doug:
How's that?

 

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Bill:
Think about it, all of his shenanigans act as chum in the watah for the media shahks.

 

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Bill:
All the Shaughnessys and Callahans et al get to circle round and round getting a taste of blood and writing their various diatribes about how offensive Manny is …

 

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Doug:
And meanwhile the rest of team is completely left alone.

 

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Bill:
Exactly. Who knows what othah crap the media would churn up if they weren't always distracted with anothah Mannyism?

 

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Jet Boy, Jet Girl

Bill:
So "the good news for Yankees fans" is that A-Rod's recent whining about missing his sleepovahs with Jetah is that might "translate to a more comfortable A-Rod this season," and an A-Rod "more likely to relax and hit when it counts."

 

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Bill:
Wow! Talk about grasping at straws.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, file that one away the next time we in RSN are accused of being delusional.

 

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Bill:
But even more entertaining is how that column goes on to rip the previously always media exalted and lionized Derek Jetah.

 

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Mike:
You know, we've joked about the Jetah/A-Rod "relationship" befoah, it's only just now dawning on me that the reality of it was actually way moah wiihd …

 

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Mike:
"Back in spring 2001, when A-Rod recognized the ramifications of the story, he immediately drove from where he was training with the Rangers in Port Charlotte to Tampa. Jeter knew A-Rod was waiting at his house, but refused to cut short a meal and made Rodriguez squirm for hours. When the two finally met, a teary-eyed Rodriguez asked for forgiveness."

 

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Bill:
!

 

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Mike:
Jetah's as effed-up as A-Rod is.

 

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Bill:
I'm in the hitherto unimaginable position of feeling sympathy for A-Rod. I mean he is what he is with his need for validation and insecurities, but Jetah's a sadist fercrissakes.

 

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First Barbie and Ken and now this?

Mike:
I love how Lugo describes the Red Sox as being so good they're "bananas."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, it's bananas in the Red Sox spring clubhouse while it's all splits ovah in Yankeville.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Bernie is pissed. Rivera feels dissed.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And, if you can believe it, A-Rod and Jeter, gasp, don't get along.

 

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Mike:
Shocking. Shocking. Next you'll be telling me Britney Spears has mothah issues and Paris Hilton is a slut.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Too funny how A-Rod says that years ago he and Jetah were "best of friends." Hmmm, I wondah what changed Alex? Could it be that was before you were teammates?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's like how I was a model Catholic when I was like 10, 11 years old. Then I became a teenagah and it was all venial sin this and mortal sin that and I'm like, Father Dude, you've got to be kidding me?

 

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Susan/Circle:
In any case, while it's amusing to hum to the tune of the Yankees dichord, in the end, harmonious clubhouse or not, they'll still be a sonorous clap of thundah come August and Septembah.

 

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Mike:
You know the MFY trolls will see right through your unctuous shout out above, right?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Just greasing the skids, brotha.

 

---

We're keeping the dog.

Bill:
Ah, note to Brit Brit: You're a couple seasons late on the whole shaved head, Cowboy Up! thing.

 

---

Mike:
So Manny's gonna be late to camp because his mom's having surgery.

 

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Bill:
I thought his mum died a few years ago during an All Stah Break?

 

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Mike:
Naw, that was his grans, and she didn't die, she was having feinting spells … er, or was that his mom?

 

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Bill:
Or maybe it was his dog, Checkahs?

 

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Mike:
Poor Shaughnessy. He runs his first anti-Manny piece of the '07 season a day befoah the late to camp story surfaces.

 

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Bill:
And no mention of it from the Curly Haired Boyfriend today, eithah.

 

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Mike:
It's almost enough to make you think that, you know, ol Dan-Oh writes these stories in advance and just mails them in.

 

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Bill:
Hey, don't be a "stooge." A pro like Shaughnessy would nevah just "shut it down" like that.

 

---

It's for real!

Can you tell us, Matsuzaka-san, about the Gyroball?

Matsuzaka press conference over the car radio:
"Hmm. How should I answer that question?"

 

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Matsuzaka presser:
"I knew this question was coming today. And I was preparing some optional answers for this particular question."

 

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Matsuzaka presser:
"Should I say, 'I have that ball'?"

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
!

 

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Matsuzaka presser:
"Or I could say, 'Which particular ball are you referring to?'"

 

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Matsuzaka presser:
"Or 'Which ball are you calling a gyroball?'"

 

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Matsuzaka presser:
"Overall, if I have the chance, I will pitch that ball."

 

---

Doug thinking to himself:
How reluctantly
the bee emerges from deep
within the peony.

 

---

Well, do ya?

Doug:
So let me get this straight … We are told Lowell Spinnahss have "developed a well-deserved reputation for being mastahs of novel promotions" and then we learn their "mastah" plan for Matsuzaka promo is to give away … Dice-K Fuzzy Dice?

 

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Doug:
Fuzzy Dice? Fuzzy Dice fercrissakes? How frickin' ingenious.

 

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Doug:
I mean the dude who thought that up should probably go on American Idol because he or she most likely is also blessed with a really great voice in addition to such unparalleled marketing savvy.

 

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Mike:
OK, Simon Cowell, let's hear what you'd have done for a Matsuzaka promo in your hometown.

 

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Doug:
Off the top of my head? How 'bout Mini Gyroscope Night?

 

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Doug:
Or if you really want to push the envelope a bit, how 'bout a giveaway of the mini version of the Japanese Sushi Pillow?

 

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Mike:
Dude, isn't that like, ah, stereotyping?

 

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Doug:
What? Why? Don't the Japanese love sushi?

 

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Doug:
Besides, it's impossible when standing outside of a culture not to make generalizations about it.

 

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Doug:
I mean just look at how the Japanese portray New England. Check out that old lady sitting on the front porch. Is that a stereotype or what?

 

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Mike:
True, the highly ornamental Queen Anne Style house is all wrong. A less ornate Shingle Style is the more the norm in these pahts.

 

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Doug:
Screw that even. If you really want to capchah the flavah of New England you put the ol' lady in front of a triple deckah wearing a nightie.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, then you put a dialog bubble over her head saying "How why ya?"

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. Then a few pages in under the chaptah headed "Avoiding Trouble" you show the same lady with a half dozen empty 'Gansetts at her feet and the voice bubble saying, "What you frickin lookin' at you quayuh? You wanna have a go?"

 

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The Matsuzaka Era Has Begun

Mike:
Gotta love the mania: 70 membahs of the media were present for Matsuzaka's arrival at camp.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, and I wondah how many of those 70 filed a report suggesting how ridiculous it was that 69 other chumps showed up to covah the non-event?

 

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Mike:
So I was a bit shocked to see that Matsuzaka was sporting a spare Toyo tiah.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, you've seen the way he puts down the Asahi Supah "Dry".

 

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Mike:
Maybe Dude-san should give the Supah "Lite" a try?

 

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Susan/Circle:
I dunno. I think it's kind of cute and Ruthian.

 

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Mike:
So his lockah is going to be right next to his fave dude, V-Tek.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yep, and you know right now Quadzilla is studying the hell out of his learning Japanese phrase book.

 

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Mike:
What do you think the first Japanese words Captain Catcher will learn? "Throw the gyro"? "Keep it low and away on this guy"?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, that, and "Surrender to the power of Christ and you shall be saved."

 

---

Won't be the last

Bill:
Hey, if you missed the Truck Day machinations first hand, the charming duo known as The Red Seat have put togethah a riveting dramatization at 1/300^th scale.

 

---

Mike:
Meanwhile, the Truck hasn't even crossed into Dixie yet and already the Matsuzaka is a pampered, overpaid prima donna rowdydow has begun.

 

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Bill:
It's bad enough to read the standard Gerry Callahan playah hit piece, but it's way worse to have to read one where he tries to "get creative" or whatevah you call that sad attempt at humorous hyperbole.

 

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Mike:
The thing is, as a right wingah and all, you'd think Callahan would be celebrating Matsuzaka's salary and perks as a majestic example of free mahket capitalism and the global economy at work.

 

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Bill:
Maybe Callahan is one of those GOP rubes who likes money to be made the "old-fashioned way," you know, like by ripping off Indian tribes.

 

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Mike:
Or by way of bribery, mail fraud, wire fraud, and tax evasion?

 

---

Bill:
Exactly. Family values and all.

 

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Mike:
Well, at least one can wash away the bad taste Callahan's piece leaves in one's mouth with the positive stories about Jon Lestah.

 

---

Bill:
Are you kidding me? Aftah kicking cancah's ass, the kid's going to mow down AL battahs like nobody's bidness.

 

---

Happy Truck Day 2007!

With sincere apology to John Keats, The Soxaholix present "Ode to a Truck" …

Our hearts ache, and a drowsy numbness pains
Our sense, as though of Asahi we had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Charles-wards had sunk:
'Tis with awareness of thy precious load,
And being too happy in thine presentness,
That thou, eighteen-wheeled hauler of dreams,
Along the deep southbound road,
Asphalt paved and driver slumberless,
Singest of summer with diesel-rumbled ease.

---

The space between

Tara:
You've heard the news I imagine.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yes, my baby blue eyed Bronson's gone and got himself hitched to Cincy until 2010.

 

---

Tara:
Says now he's "a Red through and through."

 

---

Susan/Circle:
And I'm blue now, it's true, it's true.

 

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Tara:
The nuts the size of Saturn no longer orbit our world.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
The comets have such a space to cross,

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Such coldness, forgetfulness.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Through the black amnesias of heaven.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
[Sigh]

 

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Lostaholix (The Duderus Epsisode)

Bill:
So I waited 3 months for that?

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, something tells me NBC and Heroes are feeling pretty good right about now.

 

---

Bill:
The pre-hype said this was going to be one of the best episodes of the season — If that's what qualifies as "best" then this is second half is going to feel a lot like watching the Red Sox after last year's August Massacre.

 

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Tara:
This episode lacked any sense of mystery and creepiness that marks the best Lost episodes. This was pretty much all action and backstory, and, honestly, I could care less about Juliet's backstory.

 

---

Bill:
So let me get this straight. Droopy-face Ethan and Recruiter Man want Juliet because she got a male mouse pregnant but Juliet's all bummed because "it didnt' work" until her sister says, yeah, well, it did work because I'm all preggers …

 

---

Bill:
So does this mean Juliet's sister is really a dude?

 

---

Tara:
Probably, because that so advances the overall storyline and dovetails nicely with polar bears, black smoke, and Clockwork Orange brainwashing chambers. Not.

 

---

Bill:
And is Juliet one of the most flaccid female charactahs evah to appear in a TV series? I mean I've seen mustached nuns at parochial school who exude more sexual energy. No wonder the horny husband dumped her frigid ass.

 

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Tara:
Yeah, and how about the whole "Boo hoo I wish me ex husband would get hit by a bus because, you know, I'm spineless and can't do anything on my own without deus ex machina."

 

---

Bill:
I guess Juliet never got the memo on women's liberation.

 

---

Tara:
Well, at least the previews suggest next week we'll get back to the other Lostaways.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, hopefully Locke and Sayid's shock and awe black op against The Othahs will redeem the last night's misery.

 

---

Tara:
Let's just hope that after the initial battle the Lostaways have, you know, an "exit strategy."

 

---

Bill:
And a goddamn "plan for the peace."

 

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Signs of Spring

Susan/Circle:
Well, I've seen the first sign of Spring …

 

---

Mike:
Have barred clouds bloomed the soft-dying day, and touched the stubble-plains with rosy hue?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
No, but the first "What is on Manny's mind?" article has bloomed.

 

---

Mike:
I nevah knew Manny had not one but two agents.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, there's one for Manny and one for "Being Manny."

 

---

Mike:
OK, so I've been trying to resist the A-Rod writes a children's book news but, you know, just when I thought I was out, he pulls me back in.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I ordered a copy this morning from Amazon.

 

---

Mike:
You're kidding, right?

 

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Susan/Circle:
No way. Think about how potentially loaded with A-Rod joke material this thing is.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, let me know if there's a paht where we learn how and when the young "Alex" is taught "The Dropping the Shoulder Move™."

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Oh, The DTSM™ is not something that can be taught. You eithah have it or you don't.

 

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Mike:
It comes fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yes, inspiahd and God-like is The Dropping the Shoulder Move™.

 

---

Pass the Jesus Juice

Bill:
Well, it's comforting, I guess, to learn that born-again Christian J.D. Drew doesn't rely solely on prayah to help him with injuries …

 

---

Bill:
From the Eagle-Tribune we learn he's turned to such gadgets as "a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, an infrared sauna, chips implanted in his cell phones and computers to limit radiation damage."

 

---

Doug:
I wondah if relying solely on prayah might sound more comforting? I mean do we really want to spend several years with an outfieldah who sounds like he just stepped out of Michael Jackson's Wonderland Ranch?

 

---

Bill:
Hey, now, don't knock it. I mean, c'mon, Jacko is the picture of health and all.

 

---

Doug:
So did you see that Batshit Tavarez is pitching lights out in the Caribbean Series?

 

---

Bill:
But he left Monday's game in the sixth with a sore ankle. Let's hope it's nothing serious.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. Because we all know Tavarez is going to need that ankle come Spring Training to stomp on dudes.

 

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Giving the slit-eyed hillbilly his due

Mike:
Well, Manning finally won the "the big game" so now prepare yourself for the 24/7 "The Greatest Quarterback of All Time" media onslaught.

 

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Doug:
Of All Time? Are you kidding me? The Manning ball washing is so intense it's going to be "The Greatest Quarterback of All Time and Before Time Itself Was Measured."

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, you're so right! Imagine Jim Nantz and Phil Simms in a time machine going back to seconds after the Big Bang …

 

---

Mike:
[Imitating Nantz and Simms] "Phil what we're privy to right there in that primordial goo just over there is what in several billion years will become Peyton Manning"

 

---

Doug:
"Yes, Jim, and look how the pre-Manning primordial goo is reading the totality of the Universe."

 

---

Mike:
"Phil, it looks like the the pre-Manning primordial goo has a well executed game plan."

 

---

Doug:
"Yes, it does. And from up here it appears the pre-Manning primordial goo is advancing toward a silicon-based life form evolution … But wait, did you see that?!"

 

---

Mike:
"We are witnessing history, Phil. The pre-Manning primordial goo called an audible and is now headed toward becoming a carbon-based life form!"

 

---

Doug:
"See, that's what I'm talking about with this goo. The pre-Manning primordial goo is such a natural, is so in tune with the Cosmos that it read the Universal scheme. It knows the best route to the end zone of life is to go carbon-based rather than silicon-based."

 

---

Mike:
Meanwhile, if there's anything good we can say about Manning getting that monkey off his back it's that the imprimatur of "The Greatest Player in His Respective Sport to Not Have Won a Championship" is stamped firmly on just one man.

 

---

Doug:
Something tells me that A-Rod's shrink didn't get much sleep last night.

 

---

Mike:
"Are you there, Doc? It's me, Alex."

 

---

Mike:
"Yes, Doctor, I'm having those bad dreams again and can't sleep … You know the ones where I'm being chased by that bad man in the catcher's mask …"

 

---

Mike:
"I tried counting sheep, Doctor, but the sheep were wearing catcher's masks, too, and it frightens me!"

 

---

Super "Dry"

Bill:
OK, I've nevah had the pleasure of quaffing an Asahi Super "Dry" before, but right now it's my favorite beeah.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, I'm gonna go over to the Supah 88 aftah work and pick up a 12-pack of Asahi, you know, just because.

 

---

Bill:
See the way Matsuzaka downs that pint quickah than a BU frat pledge?

 

---

Doug:
No kidding. And does that imagined scene of Matsuzaka pitching in Fenway give you the chills or what?

 

---

Bill:
Even the Yankees' Cashman knows this Japanization of The Rivalry is "something special"

 

---

Doug:
I haven't been this excited going into a baseball season since 2004.

 

---

Bill:
If I recall, that was a pretty good year?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, it was aiight.

 

---

I've got my finger back (watch while I attack)

Susan/Circle:
So our fair city's reputation as a bastion of intelligence has taken quite a hit.

 

---

Mike:
Yes, but our reputation as a cathartic, the sky is falling, waiting for the other shoe to drop, panic-stricken people remains quite firmly intact.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
So I guess by now everybody knows about the Mooninites from the innah core of the moon.

 

---

Mike:
As they should for their race is hundreds of years beyond ours.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Indeed, some would say that the Earth is their moon.

 

---

Mike:
But, of course, that would belittle the name of their moon, which is: The Moon.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Meanwhile, the Yankees are going full bore into China to evangelize their brand and look for future talent.

 

---

Mike:
And not to be outdone, the Red Sox are hoping to increase their revenue stream by going into, er, NASCAR.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, let me see if I can get this straight. The Yankees are taking their pinstripes to the world's lahgest country, the fastest growing economy, and the planet's other Supahpowah, while the Red Sox are going into the foreign land that gave us fried Coke and two terms of George W Bush.

 

---

Mike:
Way to go Red Sox! W00T. You go John Henry and Lucky, you keep on, keep on out smarting them Yankees.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Hey, it's not all bad. At least Matsuzaka has found the vegetables and fish in the United States much bettah than he could have hoped for.

 

---

Mike:
I guess Matsuzaka has been so busy throwing the gyroball that he never noticed his homeland is a small, overcrowded island without an agrarian sector and, as a result, imports nearly all of its vegetables from the United States.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, since at any given time over half the Red Sox playahs are engaged in a one-way, personal conversation with their magical best friend Jesus, I'm willing to cut Matsuzaka some slack for being naive to the import/export particulars of the global market economy.

 

---

Mike:
Amen to that.

 

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