Just a flesh wound

Update: I'm day-to-day and won't need to be placed on the DL. I hope to regain normal typing ability by tomorrow. Meanwhile, Lisa endures …

Lisa the Temp:
You know what's ironic, peeps? Everybody and their uncle likes to laugh at my 4-button keyboard. Har-har-hardy-har. So funny.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But right now Brachen would love to get his bloody stump on this 4-button bitch.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I mean, seriously, not only can I work this without fingers, but hell yeah, I can do it without any limbs at all.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
And they could make a move about it and call it "My Left Teat"

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Hello, people, Lisa the Temp here with the deal …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
It seems your buddy Brachen was involved in some sort of David Wellsesque freak accident, the result of which is a temporarily bandaged hand making typing quite cumbersome.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Yeah, go figure. I'd have bet Brachen would be quite the pro at "one-handed typing."

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I mean I know many of you are.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm looking right at you "LC."

 

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Comments

[louclinton]

heh.

Lisa tears down the 49th wall.

lc

[Rob in CT]

Omigod! a special edition of Lisa today! Now my day is complete. And unbelievably a reference to lou. Wow, I sure wish Lisa cared about me in teh saem awy. Jeesz , sh8 shurr is cute, but whrts trhe hecjk iz shes tslking aboutsdr "on hnadeded typong?"

[Rob in CT]

Hope everything's okay, Hart. Heal fast! What with Helton apparently off the table now, and truck day still 12 days away, we need you more than ever. Darkest before the dawn, and all that...

[Harwich Rich]

Aah Lisa,loosen up your buttons baby :)

[Dave S.]

I just hope we don't have to euthanize HB after 8 months of trying to heal. Best to stud now, while you have the chance!

[Bob]

I'd like to hunt-and-peck you with one hand, my sweet, sweet Lisa.

[Rob in CT]

Oh, Bob. If only it were true that Lisa was a hunt 'n pecker...

ahem.

[Dave S.]

Those of you worried can breathe easier that trade talks with the Rockies for Helton have drifted away.

From what I read, Helton 1B + Youk 3B combined offense/defense projected to about 1 - 1.5 wins more than Youk 1B + Lowell 3B. Then there's the whole three more years after this one to reckon with. A good non-move for the Sox. Theo Skywalker resisted the lightsaber on the Emperor's throne. But with each passing moment, his anger is...making...him....MINE. Well, not mine. The Emperor's. Anyhoo, no Helton. Slow day.

[mikeya2k1]

im quite good at one handed typing. i can even switch hands without losing a stroke or misspelling a word. ok and im done and back to two handed typing. see you cant even tell can you?

[Follower of Tito]

More to the point, lc, exactly WHAT part of you is Lisa looking at?! Yeah, baby!

[louclinton]

"More to the point, lc, exactly WHAT part of you is Lisa looking at?!"

Quite apparently, the beauty of my inner soul, since my exterior (metaphorically speaking) blows goats.

lc

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

Wow, lou, do you feel dirty? *I* do.

I'm going to go take a shower now.

oh heck, I can't resist: Were the Rockies really that nuts? "Oh yeah, Tavarez, Lowell, plus 3 or 4 of your top prospects, and maybe we'll eat enough of Helton's contract to hit .302-15-81 in the best hitter's park in the game so that you're only paying him a little less than Matsuzaka or Beckett." Yeah, let's think about this one.

[Jason O.]

Someone tried to off hb via a garotte, but like Roy Scheider in Marathon Man he got the heel of his hand in the way just in time.

[Rob in CT]

Marathon Man! Awesome reference, Jason. Not only did Sir Laurence rock as the evilest dentist ever brought to film, I got to meet several of the stars while they filmed some scenes at my Alma Mater. Schweet!

(Ed. note: Both hands were used in the creation of this post.)

[soxdownunder]

Down here we sometimes call one handed typing 'feeding the chooks' - go for it Lou, way to go!

Get well HB

[yazbread]

Is it safe?

[Jason O.]

One of the all-time great betrayals when William Devane appears to rescue Dustin Hoffman then takes him back to the bad guys.

[Kaz]

Get better, h.b.

[Rob in CT]

Jason - I need a bottle of that elixer in the brown bottle that 'die Weise Engel' offered to Dustin-boy.

I never liked Devane in any show again after that betrayal. Holy F! Never saw that one coming.

Great semi-comedic scene when Hoffman's at the jacket-and-tie-required club wearing his tee shirt with borrowed tie and too-big jacket. Found myself in a similar situation when invited to lunch to discuss my tax policy thesis with the great Professor Lowell Harriss at the University Club. Arrogant bastard never told me it was jacket and tie required. Totally felt the fool - but for neither the first or last time, sadly.

[louclinton]

Get well, h.b.

Meanwhile I revel in Lisa's undivided attention.

lc

[Bob]

Guess we have to comment under yesterday's strip.

Jeez, H.B., get well soon, or I'll have to actually work.

BTW, MBTA police are investigating a suspcicious package with protruding tubes and wires. It's above the bus/railway in Charlestown.

My guess is that it's just Georgie's wedding present to Theo.

[yazbread]

Theo gets married at Nathan's Famous hotdog stand (NYC or Coney Island?). Boy, Freud would have field day with that one.

[Dave S.]

So what's the over/under on Sosa's HRs this year?

[Bob]

Yazbread, I wonder if Kobayashi was Theo's best man?

I can just hear his pep talk sending Theo off on his honeymoon: "I did 50 and a half in twelve minutes. Let's see how many you can do tonight."

[mikeya2k1]

still typing one handed in connecticut... chronic matsterbaters unite!!!

[Harwich Rich]

Theo married? I wonder if he wore his Gorilla suit? Ba-Doom :)

[Bob]

//chronic matsterbaters unite//

Uh, Mike, that would be a circle jerk. :)

[Jason O.]

I tried it European style recently (with reverse grip) and I recommend it highly as a change-up.

[Bob]

Also, sit on your hand until it goes numb. Then when you go at it, it to you. (I always imagine Lisa, and sometimes Hazel Mae. And, to be completely honest, Papi once, after a walk off.)

[Bob]

WHY, oh why do words go missing sometimes???

//Then when you go at it, it feels like someone else is doing it to you.//

[Natalie]

Ah, men... I love you guys. Completely open about the self-love. Most women, alas, would never have this conversation (which: damn. Sharing pointers could only add to the fun :). In fact, most won't even admit they DO it. Which is a lie, since, as a good friend of mine said so eloquently, there are only two types of women: those who do, and those who say they don't...

[yabread]

Natalie,

To quote Jerry Seinfeld - 'it's like apples and oranges'.

[Da'beads]

Natalie,
You are more than welcome to share some of your pointers here.
We're all friends....

[Rob in CT]

Natalie - I'd love to be a fly on the wall while you and Lisa discuss some of the "finer points".

Hmmm, wondering if flies can still grip the wall using only one hand, er, foot, er, leg, er, whatever...

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Dave S.]

Bob...the numb hand is called "The Stranger". Another enjoyable one, alas unavailable to HB at present, is the endless tunnel. It requires use of both hands, each, uh, alternating starting at the top in a continuous motion.

Yazbread, that's an unbeatable episode:

Elaine: I wanna be in on this too.

Jerry: You're a woman. It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. Men HAVE to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like, ah, shaving.

Elaine: Oh that's baloney,I shave my legs!

Kramer: Not every day.

[Natalie]

Yes, great episode. And look who lost the bet? I'm just sayin'...

[Rob in CT]

In a somewhat related development, Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. Called the I-Bod, the music is in stereo, of course.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

Ba-doom, ching!

[mikeya2k1]

its a known fact that 95% of the population masterbates. the other 55 dont have arms

[mikeya2k1]

5% damn sticky keyboard!!!

[Dave S.]

What'd ya get on that thing, anyway Mikey? Oh, right...

Natalie, I think you're making an important point. I know several women who, as Kate Winslet so eloquently puts it in "Extras", "fud themselves stupid" at rates normally expected of men.

[Natalie]

Dave- I think we have to. I mean, it's so much harder to tell/show a partner what we like in order to get the blessed O than it is for guys. So unless WE know what we like, and get ourselves there often enough so that we know the way to heaven like the back of our hand, there is NO way we are ever getting the big one during sex...

Unless of course I mean the big one literally... in which case, well, then, it's all about pure luck. ;)

[soxdownunder]

Favourite literary masturbation scene? Gerty MacDowell and Leopold Bloom as Bloom is simultaneously cuckolded by Molly and the worst man in Dublin (cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo):

'O sweety all you little girlwhite up I saw dirty brace-girdle made me do love sticky ...'

[mikeya2k1]

im the best i ever had