What's the count, Count?

Doug:
It's dahk when I go to work, dahk when I leave work … I feel like the Vampiah Lestrade.

 

---

Mike:
Well except for hanging out with all the half-dead, half-naked bitches and ho's in your secret yet exquisitly furnished lair.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. When it comes to getting the nasty on, nobody can touch your run of the mill vampiah.

 

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Mike:
The problem with vampiahs, though, is they are such punk ass whinahs, you know?

 

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Mike:
It's all "Oh, you don't know what it's like to be undead and be condemned to live forevah praying on innocent hotties night aftah endless night … " Blah blah blah on and on they go, bitching and moaning, sundown to sunup.

 

---

Doug:
Really, it's like, Vampiah Dude, toughen the fuck up, will ya?

 

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Mike:
Hey, did you hear that Matsuzaka's wife's favorite MLB playah is none othah than Jason Varitek.

 

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Doug:
Doesn't surprise me. No woman can resist the libidinous pull of Quadzilla.

 

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Mike:
Imagine if Quadzilla was a vampiah?

 

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Doug:
Imagine if Quadzilla was a vampiah and he had a vampiah friend named Ditka?

 

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Comments

[dubbledown]

Hands down the best Count/Vampire: Chocula!

[mikeya2k1]

When the agent visited in Japan this summer, Matsuzaka's wife asked for a favor. "She wanted to know if I could get Daisuke the jersey of his favorite player," Boras said. "I thought it might be Ichiro, or [Hideki] Matsui. No -- it was Jason Varitek." how the hell did you get that tek was her fav player?? im still trying to fig out if teks boras's favorite player. or dmat's

[h.b.]

how the hell did you get that tek was her fav player?

Oh, I used the poetic license I bought on eBay last year for just this sort of occasion.

I highly recommend everyone carry one in his wallet, you know, just in case.

[mikeya2k1]

thanks for the tip im off to the mall to get me some

[Rob in CT]

Heh. I still like Count 1-2-3 from Sesame Street (the kid's favorite when they were little.)

One... Two... Three! Three strikes on the batter by Ultra-MothraMan! Ah, Ah, Ahhh!

Hmm. My poetic license doesn't fit very well since I put it in the wash. Guess I'll know better than to shop for poetic licenses at KMart from now on...

[Rob in CT]

By the bye, hb. A vampire named Ditka. That was damn funny.

[Rob in CT]

Oh, and Dr. Kaz, being a doctor and all, could you tell me? Would the Indian male runner winning the medal in teh women's 800 meter race be subject to arrest for "Male Fraud"?

Just wonderin'...

[yazbread]

Vampires have been going downhill since the days of Barnabas Collins.

[Jason O.]

Excellent call...I caught a few reruns of Dark Shadows on cable in the last 5 years.

Christopher Lee in the Hammer Drac. movies deserves honorable mention.

Also must mention William Marshall as Blacula. (and he was Dr. Daystrom in that great ST episode)

[h.b.]

Ah, yes, the M5 with its multitronic technology.

[Dr. Kaz]

He's more likely to get arrested on a Count of two balls.

I gotta say that Dracula in Von Helsing was pretty bad-ass...even though the movie itself wasn't.

[birthofasoxfan97]

I'm not sure the Varitek as a vampire fantasy really works - fireman, maybe. Vampires are too artsy - all those scarves and puffy shirts. I'm having a hard time thinking of anyone in baseball who can rock the vampire theme. But it's an interesting exercise...

[Rob in CT]

How about A-Rod? He sucks the life out of any team he plays on. (In the Skankee's case, that's a good thing.)

[h.b.]

And the blue lips, of course, have a certain undead, cadaverous quality to them.

Instead of "the dropping the shoulder move" it'd be the "tilting the head and suckling your carotid artery move.

Hey, he'd be the first to tell you, he's a 5-tool vampire!

[tooeledave]

The Counting Count from Sesame Street gets my vote too.

One vote for the Count, Two votes for the Count. Two, two votes for Count. Ah ah ah ah ah ahhh!

[Sox Fan in VA]

I think there was a bit of a resurgence when Ben Cross played Barnabas Collins in the 1991 Dark Shadows. Joanna Going was on CSI a couple of weeks back and appears to have held up well.

That'd be the quintessential Red Sox vampire program, wouldn't it? Y'know, New England and all.

[Harwich Rich]

I sense we're drifting towards Salem's Lot here :)

[Bob]

Personally, as vampires go, I'm a fan of the Count Orlock variety (from "Nosferatu").

Frigging creepy character, the way a vampire should be.

That's why I agree with everyone who thinks Sucky McBlueLips fits the bill.

[Dave S.]

I could see Albert Pujols, Mariano Rivera and Ichiro as vampire types.

[h.b.]

What about the fruit bat, Posada? Isn't he already like halfway to taking the vampire bat form?

It's like he was caught in medias res while shape shifting.

[louclinton]

It should go without saying that Slappy McBlowfish is The Count of Monte Crisco®

lc

ps: I guess that's why they call him Nancy, huh? Just like Nomah's clubhouse nickname was "Glass"

Congrats to Mia and Nomah Hamm, who are expecting twins.

Names? My money is on Zerimar and Ramirez Hamm

[jdog71]

Torre is definitely a Bela Lugosi old school smoothie vampire. Check this picture out....sorry for the copy-and-paste link. "Olive green suit and broad black fedora", indeed. The interviewer probably left the room minus a few pints.

http://www.cigaraficionado.com/Cigar/CA_Profiles/People_Profile/0,2540,98,00.html

For the record, Julian Tavarez would make a particulary creepy bloodsucker as well.

[Rob in CT]

Salem's Lot - Okay, scariest f-ing book I ever read. Barnabas Collins, fine. Count Orlock, np. Even that hack Lugosi, bring it on!

But please - let's not get into Salem's Lot. I get chills from the back sweat just thinking about that book. I read it in the middle of the day, and still had to set it down any number of times to calm my nerves. Sheesh!

[Jason O.]

Let's not forget the lost boys, which has attained 80's cult movie status, along with road house and a few others. Movies that were so cheesy that they skewed space/time and became cool.

[Rob in CT]

"Names? My money is on Zerimar and Ramirez Hamm"

Mark me down for $10 on Virginia and Hormel. (Fraternal twins.) Hormel winds up playing for the 2028 Royals. Unfortunately, he can't catch up to the fast ball from Pap's love child who has inherited Dad's fast twitch muscles. Hormel Hamm gets smoked.

[Bob]

The Nomar/Hamm twins will be named Aim and Sixe.

Aim is Mia backwards, and Sixe is E-six kind of backwards.

[third place team]

The shrunken Varitek looks like he had the life sucked out of him. Either that or he forgot to drink his juice.

At least Mirabelli was re-signed.

[Monty]

I'll take Santanico Pandemonium, http://www.filmszene.de/kino/spotlight/mai99hayek/salmadusktilldawn2.jpg in From dusk till dawn. Selma Heyeck mmmmm. And those vampires in that flick would eat Slappy for breakfast.

[Harwich Rich]

If he doesn't eat them first-lol

[Sox Fan in VA]

As bad---and it was horrible---as Bordello of Blood was, Angie Everhart did a memorable (if dubbed?) job as Lilith. 'course, that can't top Kate Beckinsale as a pistol-packin', leather-clad vampiress.

Those names for the Garciaparra kids remind me of those old G.I. Joe Cobra guys, Tomax and Xamot. Enh, nostalgia.

[Hildy]

I cannot believe you guys are consigning vampires to puffy shirted effete-dom when there's the bad-ass muscley goodness of Spike, and the good-ass muscley goodness of Angel, both courtesy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I would say that Varitek would fit both the bad-ass and good ass side of that equation.

[2985loan]

wow :-)
its very interesting article.
Nice post.
realy good post

thank you ;)