Not a Soxaholix was stirring...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Happy Holiday's from The Soxaholix!

(We'll see you back here on January 3, 2007.)

[Christmas tree in snow]

 

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Fly me to the moon

Doug:
So the next time some neerdowell posits the "Red Sox fans are a mean, nasty, unforgiving bunch of s.o.b's" meme, I've got two words for 'em: Snohomish, Washington.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of bursting in air, knowing that Matsuzaka's wife has the nickname "Rockets" is going to put a whole new spin on the "red glare" line from the Anthem.

 

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Doug:
I'm so looking forward to the Tomoyo Shibata era.

 

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Mike:
If Tomoyo starts to get any attention at all, expect a Johnny Damon press conference, since Boston can't make a move without Johnny weighing in.

 

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Doug:
I can see it now, Damon would be all, "I'm happy the Red Sox now have another hot baseball wife with TV announcing talent. Maybe Boston has learned a lot from not having my wife, Michelle, around to fill that much needed role. "

 

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Doug:
"You can’t always look back and say what could have been, but, let's face it, Michelle has quite a set of Saturn V's herself. "

 

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Mike:
And Damon continues, "But, of course, here in New York, where I'm very, very, very, very, happy by the way … here in New York City, where the people are smarter, the buildings are taller, and the baseball is winninger, they don't use the archaic term 'rockets' to describe my wife's assets."

 

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Mike:
"No, here, they use the sophisticatedly accurate term 'propulsion vehicles.' Or, on a good night, CEVs, Crew Excursion Vehicles. And I might add, Michelle can also boast a smokin' CRV, Crew Re-entry Vehicle, but, you know, some things are best left to your imagination."

 

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In perfect pitch...

Children carolers:
God rest ye merry Red Sox fans,
let nothing you dismay.

 

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Children carolers:
Remember Daisuke Matsuzaka-san
Was signed the other day

 

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Children carolers:
To save us all from Yankees' power

When our boys have gone astray

 

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Children carolers:
Throwing innings of gyroball joy, gyroball joy,

 

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Children carolers:
Throwing i-in-nings of gyroball joy!

 

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What's the count, Count?

Doug:
It's dahk when I go to work, dahk when I leave work … I feel like the Vampiah Lestrade.

 

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Mike:
Well except for hanging out with all the half-dead, half-naked bitches and ho's in your secret yet exquisitly furnished lair.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. When it comes to getting the nasty on, nobody can touch your run of the mill vampiah.

 

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Mike:
The problem with vampiahs, though, is they are such punk ass whinahs, you know?

 

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Mike:
It's all "Oh, you don't know what it's like to be undead and be condemned to live forevah praying on innocent hotties night aftah endless night … " Blah blah blah on and on they go, bitching and moaning, sundown to sunup.

 

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Doug:
Really, it's like, Vampiah Dude, toughen the fuck up, will ya?

 

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Mike:
Hey, did you hear that Matsuzaka's wife's favorite MLB playah is none othah than Jason Varitek.

 

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Doug:
Doesn't surprise me. No woman can resist the libidinous pull of Quadzilla.

 

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Mike:
Imagine if Quadzilla was a vampiah?

 

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Doug:
Imagine if Quadzilla was a vampiah and he had a vampiah friend named Ditka?

 

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Damned if I can think of a title for one

Doug:
So this isn't going to do much to quell the preconceptions regarding Nancy Drew … Not even signed yet and there's already something wrong with him?

 

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Bill:
Well, to be fair, it's only, you know, "some kind of issue."

 

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Doug:
How is it that the media can uncover top secret government phone tapping programs, but they can't find out what the frig is wrong with a $14 million dollar free agent? I mean, c'mon people, pri-or-i-ties.

 

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Bill:
Injury guru Will Carroll thinks it's the shouldah.

 

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Doug:
If it's not one thing it's anothah with this guy.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, if you want something to cheah yourself up, I suggest watching some dog judo, or what I like to think of as, if Varitek and A-Rod were talking dogs, this is kinda what it would like.

 

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So now we come to you, with open arms

Mike:
OK, I'm secure enough in my manhood to confess to tearing up several times during the media Matsuzakathon yestahday.

 

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Susan:
For reals. Even frickin Boras had the happy face on.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Maybe Matsuzaka was his Cindy Lu Who and his haht grew three sizes that day after years of being grinchy and stealing clubs' roast beast?

 

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Mike:
Boras/Boris... Hmm what an eerie coincidence?

 

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Susan:
Now speaking of odd juxtapositions …

 

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Mike:
You know I love it when you talk dirty.

 

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Susan:
Ah, as I was saying, how's this for irony: We learn that Matsuzaka "is an oversized man-child, a playful (if not Mannyesque)" kind of guy and who places a high priority in keeping his personal life private and finding a "comfortable living environment" for his wife and child.

 

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Mike:
So, of course, it makes perfect sense that he signed with Boston, because, you know, it's not like we have any issues with that or anything.

 

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Susan:
Are you kidding me? After Old Ironsides, hopelessly weak presidential candidates, and jimmies on ice cream, what this region is most known for is how we go out of way to give our sports celebrities lots of space and lots of nurturing.

 

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Mike:
Truly. And our media is the exemplar in this regard, especially when it comes to oversized man-childs being oversized man-childs, who, as we know, are lavished 24/7 with a bemused jocularity by sportwriters like Shaughnessy and Callahan.

 

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Susan:
The next six years are going to be so seriously serene.

 

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Mike:
Yes, and to ensure it, as we speak the smaht Red Fans are creating layers of redundancy in the nefarious supply chains leading to their preferred illicit and lawless mood altering drugs.

 

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Susan:
As they say, don't bogaht the sticky green monstah.

 

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Getting by with a little help from friends

Bill:
Hey, Marts, I was just calling to offah my assistance as, you know, a coping partner to help you work through the steps your therapist recommended …

 

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Marty:
Yeah, whatever, Callaghan, like I'm worried about Matsu-sucka.

 

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Bill:
Now, see, there you go with denial …but doggone it that's…okay.

 

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Bill:
I know the quadruple-whammy of the Sox getting Matsuzaka, getting him at a bargain, getting him for six years, and humbling Bora$$ all at once has to sting.

 

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Marty:
$52 mill for 6 to join a third place organization!?!? And I thought the Japanese were supposed to be smart.

 

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Bill:
Again I'm here to tell you it's "OK" to feel that way, Mahty. You're good enough, you're smaht enough… Let me help. I feel your pain.

 

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Marty:
It's you who needs the help, Billy Boy. The Yanks have team full of givens. They know what they're going to get because they got it last year from now well-established players. Of the two new starters, one is proven, the other will be out of the six they have to choose from. The only true unknown is how the unknown 1B will do.

 

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Bill:
Thatta a boy, Mahty, release the anger. Let it go like a Bronx buttahfly.

 

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Marty:
The Sox by contrast have two pitchers that have never started a MLB game and three new position players. One of whom is a light-hitting rook. The other two will make Edgar Rentaria and Trot Nixon look good — and that's saying something. And you still don't have a closer!!!!

 

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Bill:
Oh, Mahty, puy-leeze, there's no need to shout is there?

 

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Marty:
What about unproven and never thrown a pitch in the Major Leagues don't you Sawx fans get?

 

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Bill:
Did you not see the WBC, Mahty? Matsuzaka looked rather daunting, if I do say so myself, pitching for Japan.

 

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Marty:
The WBC? Oh, fercrissakes, that's just Spring Training b.s. Pitchers are always ahead of the hitters in March.

 

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Bill:
Oh, right, of course, but wait a sec, Mahts, then how come the MLB pitching contingent didn't have the same success?

 

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Marty:
Look, even if this guy is the next Pedro. Even Pedro in '99 couldn't make up 10 games in the standings.

 

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Bill:
See, now there you go, Mahty. I wasn't going to bring up the past, being the forward looking soul that I am, but since you did … Let's just say that I'm surprised, given all that's happened [cough] '04 choke job[cough] that you continue to put so much faith in "games ahead." You know?

 

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Marty:
You still don't have a closer!!!!

 

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Bill:
Mahty, you sound really, really uptight. I think you could use a nice massage … perhaps an electric massage?

 

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Bill:
Hehhehheh …

 

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Doctor, doctor, give me the news

Bill:
I'm so glad this Matzusaka-Boras beast has a hard stop deadline of today (or tomorrow, depending), as dragging this out ad infinitum just wouldn't be good for my health.

 

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Bill:
I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating …

 

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Doug:
You know, when you think about it, the general condition of being a Boston Red Sox fan isn't especially healthy.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, it's like constant exposure to second hand smoke and transfat.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. I'm surprised they haven't added a question to the new patient forms at the doctah's office: "Do you follow the Red Sox? If so, how many games a week do you consume?"

 

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Bill:
Yeah, that could lead right into the questions like "Do you have night sweats?" "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or suicide?" "Does it sometimes feel like insects are crawling inside your legs?"

 

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Doug:
You know it's probably only a mattah of time before they figure out the gene that causes one to become a die hahd sports fan. I can see it now, the obstetrician walks in and says, "Mr and Mrs O'Reily, I have some grave news for you."

 

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Doug:
"What is it doctah, is the baby retahted?"

 

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Doug:
"No, I'm afraid it's worse than that: A gene scan has found your child has an 80% chance of developing into a Yankees fan."

 

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Bill:
And the parents would be all, "I don't care if we are Catholic: Abort! Abort! Abort!"

 

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Guadalcanal Diary

Bill:
So the latest is Boras didn't even acknowledge the initial Sox offer for Matsuzaka. Whoa, agent dude is ice …

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, John Henry implies that Matsuzaka didn't even get word of the offah. WTF? Does Boras have him locked up in a closet or something?

 

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Mike:
See, now this is where I depaht from the conventional wisdom. Why make the assumption that Matsuzaka doesn't know exactly what is going on minute by minute?

 

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Mike:
It's amazing really how easily everyone buys into the stereotype of the Japanese as some sort of half-witted adolescents who only want to watch anime and play with electronics.

 

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Mike:
I mean, shit, even that hit show Heroes has the Japanese guy, Hiro, played as a naive and comic man-child figure. And look at his buddy, Ando? He's equally hapless as a dude so stupid he doesn't even realize his "relationship" with a web strip cam girl isn't real.

 

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Mike:
But, you know, in all this stereotyping we're forgetting that historically the Japanese have a fairly infamous reputation for a brutal tenacity to achieving a desired goal regahdless of the cost and regahdless of Western views of what is "right."

 

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Mike:
So why is it so hahd to believe that it's Matsuzaka who is every bit as resolute as Boras in these dealings? Who's to say Matsuzaka didn't feel insulted by the initial offah and instructed Boras to not bothah responding to it? Who's to say Matsuzaka hasn't drawn a $100 million line in the sand?

 

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Mike:
I mean, c'mon people, you think Matsuzaka selecting Boras as his agent in the first place is some sort of crazy coincidence?

 

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Bill:
Christ, you might be on to something.

 

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Mike:
And you bettah hope I am because, look, do you really want to pay $100 mil for a guy who is so emasculated he lets Boras instruct him when it's OK to take a piss?

 

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Mike:
Think about it. If this guy gets signed and he's facing the Yankees in the Bronx in a late summah, series on the line game, you want Matsuzaka summoning his inner Kamikaze and not his inner anime watching otaku.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, leave those guys for the Yankees.

 

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Monday, Monday, can't trust that day

Marty in his NYC lair:
Tough Monday, eh Callaghan? First you've got your boy Belichick getting out coached once again by one his former underlings and then you've got Scott Boras pimp slapping the always in way over his head Theo Epstein.

 

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Bill:
Please, Mahty, didn't you learn anything from 2004? There's still a lot of game left in these Matsuzaka negotiations. Come Thursday he'll be wearing a B on his cap sure as shit.

 

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Marty:
You mean B for Boras. Seeing how The Agent so completely outmaneuvers Epstein would be sad if it wasn't so damn enjoyable. I mean look at some of the low-points: He gets Theo to overspend on Varitek, yanks Damon from the team and into Pinstripes, dupes Epstein into driving the Brinks truck over to Nancy Drew, and now is playing rope-a-dope on signing Matsuzaka.

 

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Marty:
But that isn't even the crazy part, the crazy part is you guys are still ready to wash Epstein's balls.

 

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Marty:
Meanwhile, Bill, how do you like this rotation: Moose, Pettitte, Johnson, Clemens, Wang, eh?

 

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Bill:
Ah, yes, the livah spot marauders. I'm shaking in my docksidahs ovah heah.

 

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Marty:
Yeah, right, this is coming from the guy who's starting rotation includes Tim Wakefield and Curt Schilling... I mean, c'mon, Schilling's so old he can trace his righwing nutjobbines all the way back to voting for Reagan in the 80s.

 

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Bill:
Well, Marts, the rotation also includes Papelbon, Beckett, Lestah and, soon, Daisuke Matsuzaka.

 

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Marty:
Yeah, and the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, too, right? Bwahahaaa …

 

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Saru mo ki kara ochiru

Bill:
I know it's hard to believe, but the Boston media is sounding the death knell on the Matsuzaka deal.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, yesterday it was "Boras is setting the stage, both privately and publicly, that there is not going to be a deal," and today we have " the notion that perhaps an unbridgeable gap exists between the Sox' position" and Matsuzaka's.

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, of course, there's nary a mention that Matsuzaka has already made his farewell appearance to fans in Japan.

 

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Doug:
Right, and while I'm not an expert on Japanese culture …

 

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Bill:
Well, not counting your forte with Japanese lap pillows, bura-sura shops, and the Yazuka mafia.

 

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Doug:
True, I do have my zen moments, but my point is, from what I know of the culture, there's no way a dude like Matsuzaka makes an official farewell to fans only to say, "So, sorry, only joking" despite what Scott Boras has to say on the subject. It'd just be too much loss of face and all that.

 

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Bill:
I agree. This deal is wrapped like a Boston roll and it's just waiting for the wasabi to be complete.

 

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Leave gormandizing

Susan/Circle:
You know, I can't believe the Yankees have been able to lay off signing Barry Bonds. I mean, c'mon, overpriced, steroid juiced, aging superstah with a big bat? How can King George not want to hit that?

 

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Mike:
Haven't you heard: "After years of binging on overpaid veterans, the Bronx Bombers have developed a sudden fondness for developing and acquiring young players."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Uh-oh, the Yankees have finally read Moneyball?

 

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Mike:
Ominous, isn't it?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Like an ill wind which blows no man to good.

 

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Giant steps are what you take

Bill:
At last what everyone has been talking about for weeks is official. It's Lugo and Drew in da house.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, yeah. I dunno if it's because this already seems like old news at this point or what, but I'm feeling decidedly tenebrous about this whole deal.

 

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Bill:
Really? You're not jacked about Manny-Papi-Drew lineup in the meat of the batting ordah?

 

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Doug:
It just feels like once again NASA and Red Sox are operating from the same play book.

 

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Bill:
How's that?

 

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Doug:
Look, NASA wants to spend years and billions to get back to where they were 30 odd years ago by going to the moon, again. And the Red Sox just spent $70 million over 5 years to get back to where they were when they had a perfectly fine outfieldah named Johnny Damon.

 

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Doug:
Seems there's a little problem with the vision thing, you know? A moon base? Who cares? An outfielder who's reputation for durability is on par with the foam panels on the space shuttle? C'mon that's all these rocket scientists and the so-called genius GM Epstein can come up with?

 

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Doug:
I mean where's my Mars mission? Where's my flying cahs? And more importantly, where's my damn closah? Huh? Huh?

 

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No you can't take it. No you can't take it ...

Doug:
So Mariners' GM Bill Bavasi says that in trading Manny the Red Sox "want a lot back in return" … Jeez, you think?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I can't imagine why one of the greatest hittahs in baseball would, you know, be worth more than Richie Sexson can you?

 

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Doug:
What the hell, trading Manny Ramirez for Richie Sexson is like trading Scarlett Johansson for the wonky-eyed, big-footed, cootie-ridden Paris Hilton. Yeah, they're both blonds, but the comparison pretty much ends there.

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, I heard a really, really awful trade rumah: A-Rod to the White Sox.

 

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Doug:
Oh, no, that would be a crushing blow to my Yankees inspired abhorrence.

 

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Mike:
Are you kidding me? A-Rod is the fuel that powahs my pretty hate machine. I so want him to finish his slap happy careah in the Bronx.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, summah just wouldn't be summah without seeing him in Pinstripes with clenched blue lips and Blair Witch Project eyes whenevah he comes to bat in Fenway.

 

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Mike:
Truly, it's a gift from the Gods.

 

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No news is, er, no news

Mike:
So if guys like Epstein and Belichick being tightlipped with the media is, as Shaughnessy writes, "a waste of everyone's time," then what is a Shaughnessy column discussing said tightlippedness — A double-super colossal waste of everyone's time?

 

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Doug:
Truly. So what evah happened to the Manny being gone by the weekend and signing of J.D. Drew?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and even the Sox will offer Trot arbitration rumah proved false in the end … Say goodbye to the original Dirt Dog. Kills me to see him go.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, instead of thinking of him as gone, why not just think of Nixon as having yet anothah stint on the D.L. I mean we've had a lot of that ovah the years.

 

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Mike:
C'mon, guy, don't be a hatah. Trot was the man.

 

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Doug:
I tease because I love. I'll miss ol' pine tar helmet as much as the next fanboy.

 

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We may have Nixon to kick around some more

Bill:
So Edes is reporting that the Red Sox are likely to offer Trot Nixon arbitration?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and if he takes it …

 

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Bill:
Whaddya mean "if"? Since other clubs have met Trot Nixon's free agency status with the same level of excitement that greeted Kevin Federline's "Playing with Fire" album, methinks Nixon might strain his bicep reaching for the dotted line to sign on.

 

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Mike:
Good point. So if they have Nixon, sign Drew and don't move Manny, whoa, that's a boat load of outfielders.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, if the Sox can't move Manny, they may have to pull a Putin.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. I can see it now … "Ah, Mr. Ramirez, the knee is bothering you again, eh? Well, I've got just the thing. Try this 'magic' tea known to cure all that ails you."

 

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Bill:
Yeah, Dr. Steinberg prepared it just for you, Manny. Drink up, now, atta boy.

 

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