In perfect pitch...

Children carolers:
God rest ye merry Red Sox fans,
let nothing you dismay.

 

---

Children carolers:
Remember Daisuke Matsuzaka-san
Was signed the other day

 

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Children carolers:
To save us all from Yankees' power

When our boys have gone astray

 

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Children carolers:
Throwing innings of gyroball joy, gyroball joy,

 

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Children carolers:
Throwing i-in-nings of gyroball joy!

 

---

Comments

[Bob]

You're quite mad you know, H.B. :)

[IkeG]

The middle kid is probably just trying to get in good with one of the girls.

[Dave S.]

Why just one, Ike? It's Christmas!

[COD]

The middle kid is definitely gay. he has no interest in the girls.

[h.b.]

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat. "We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."

"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.

"You must be,” said the Cat. "or you wouldn’t have come here.”

[Dave S.]

He could be a castrata.

[louclinton]

OhMiGod!
They killed Nancy!

[h.b.]

Dave, it's technically "castrato." Even with the nad removal, the castrati still take the masculine form of the noun rather than the feminine.

Meanwhile, who would have guessed there'd be so much attention doled out to my sweet and innocent caroler children here in the comments?

[mikeya2k1]

to funny

[louclinton]

"Meanwhile, who would have guessed there'd be so much attention doled out to my sweet and innocent caroler children here in the comments?"

h.b., you really don't understand how pathetic and empty our lives are, do you?

lc

[Rob in CT]

"OhMiGod! They killed Nancy!"

You Bastards!

[mikeya2k1]

Hey!!! our lives are pathetic and empty??? well that explains alot ..thanks lc.

[Dave S.]

You know, logic suggests it should be "castratum" instead, in which case "castrata" would make for the correct plural. I just wrote it phonetically without thinking on it. Thanks for the clarification.

I guess the kid's probably too skinny, anyway. There's of course also the possbility that he's simply an effeminate heterosexual.

[mikeya2k1]

or a pimp

[Dr. Kaz]

I particularly like how the one on the right is singing a G-clef instead of notes.

Oh, and thanks for showing me the article on the gyroball at Wikipedia...that is an example of how not to write an article. I'm gonna have to break out my boomstick later and kill major portions of that article that don't reference their sources.

[ygbluig]

Maybe you inner Christmas castrato will give this a go:

Hark! the Herald headlines sing
JD Drew has a busted wing.
Theo needs a second opinion
On Drew's balky rack and pinion
And a move dee-clared as bold
Now is left clear-ly on hold.
Sports radio guys proclaim
He can't plaaay if he is lame!
Hark! the Herald headlines sing
JD Drew has a busted wing.

[Jason O.]

hb, clever adaptation of my 2nd favorite Xmas carol...Remember the last scene in 3 Days of the Condor?

Outside of the NY Times building, the choir is singing "God rest ye" while Cliff Robertson is telling Redford: "Where are you going to go from here, Condor? Nowhere!"

[Rick V]

Dashing to the mound,
Blowing hitters all away--
Nice and hard he throws,
Racking up each K!

Bats on shoulders stay,
Frozen there in shame--
Oh what fun to watch him pitch
And contemplate his name:

Pap-el-bon! Pap-el-bon!
Sub-one E.R.A!
Who can tell if he will shine
When he's starting each fifth da--ay?

Pap-el-bon! Pap-el-bon!
In the pen no more.
Let's just hope this experiment
Doesn't make his shoulder sore!

[h.b.]

Well done, Rick!

[Kaz]

Ah, yes, butchered Xmas tunes:

Darryl the snow-man
Was a guy who liked his blow
With a cocaine pipe and a bunch of ho's
He was a Yankee, head-to-toe

Or maybe you'd like:

Giambi the greased-up juicer
Had a very shiny coif
And when he would take an at-bat
You would gag or maybe laugh

All of the other Yankees
Probably juice the same
But they haven't won the Series
Since the year two thousand

Then one cold October night
The Red Sox had their way
The Yankees choked in 2-k-4
Like no team has ever done before

Then all the Sox fans rejoiced
As Theo signed Matsuzake
"Giambi the greased-up juicer,
the gyroball will be strike three!"

[Rick V]

Foul George Steinbrenner looked back
On six recent seasons
When the Yankees choked and lost
Each for different reasons
Though he paid 200 mil
And they juiced and cheated
When each season was complete
They were still defeated!

[Rob in CT]

Rick, you are one lyrical genius.

My hats off to you. You have most certainly put me in the Christmas spirit today!

[Rick V]

I spent five years in graduate school writing lyrics like these to avoid working on my thesis. Finally it's paying off!

[Dr. Kaz]

Yes, I can see I need more post-graduate time to equal the wit that is Rick V. Kudos...some great lyrics.

[Bob]

Good King Steinbrenner looked out
On the feast of Dice-K
When the cash lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone Cashman that night
Though the cost was cruel
When a Theo came in sight
Gath'ring Hot Stove fuel

"Hither, Theo, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder Red Sox GM, who is this Dice-K?
Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the Seibu
Right against the outfield fence
Fifty-one-point-one million, but who the hell is counting?"

[h.b.]

Remember, though, the lyrics have to maintain the same meter as the original to work, i.e, the replacement words have to have the same stress or unstressed syllable pattern, your iambs, your trochees, your spondees, so on and so forth.

Next year, assuming there is a next year, maybe I'll start taking submissions and the best ones will become the carols the kids sing?

[louclinton]

Oh Holy Shit,
The Yankees Have A Starter
That's Right I Said,
Andy Pettite Is The Man

Oh Shut Your Mouth
The Yankees suck my monkey
At least they would
If they weren't so old

Schilling-san will thrown the frickin' fastball
Varitek will pin them to the Wall

Huzzah! Theo is King!
Huzzah! Manny's conscious!
Huzzah! Huzzah!

Fuck A-Rod.

[Bob]

H.B., the only line that doesn't match the "Good King Wenceslas" meter is the very last one.

And that was intentional.

The song has crappy cadence to begin with.

BTW, is anyone else having problems with co-workers today? Everbody here seems to be in the crappies mood ever. I wonder if it's a tide thing. :)

[Dave S.]

Slashing through their dough,
Unproven hurler paid,
The Nation's talk is bold,
Hating all the way!
(Yanks suck it!)

Schill's big mouth it brings
Such nonsense day and night,
What fun it is to hear from
those who deny Beckett's plight,

Oh!
Red Sox suck,
Red Sox suck,
despite what their fans say!

Like MFY
They think they're great
Since they went all the way-ay!

Red Sox suck,
Red Sox suck,
their fans, well they should know...

They had their run
The money's gonna
leave them in the cold!

[h.b.]

Bob, sorry, my post coming just after yours was a coincidence and wasn't meant to imply you were guilty of poor meter.

Truth is, I don't know the "Good King Wenceslas" tune. I mean, I've heard it before, yes, but I can recall the melody in my head.

Here's an awful rhyme sub that I can't shake all day and so I'm going to try to infect you with it...

From the 12 Days of Christmas the line

"And five golden rings"

Matches perfect meter with

"And Dan Shaughnessy."

Awful thought, I know.

[Rob in CT]

"so I'm going to try to infect you with it..."

It worked, hb. You bastard!

:D

[Dave S.]

...especially brutal is that the "five golden rings" is the pause, the part that even the drunks know; it's the joyous heart of the 12 days of Christmas. You get through the maids a' milkin', the lords a' leapin', and you finally get to shout: "FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!" For that to become, even in one's own internal organ grinder, "DAN SHAUGHNESSY!" well...that's just downright cruel.

[Bob]

"...and a rartridge in a rare ree."

-Dice-K's interpreter

[Rob in CT]

Actually, Bob, that was Scooby Doo.

[Rob in CT]

Hmm... or was that Astro?

"Rokay, Reorge!" - Now that was actually Cashman...

[Bob]

Scooby Doo, Dice-K's interpreter...same voice skills.

[Rob in CT]

Dice-K's interpreter...same voice skills.

Mad skillz, baby. Mad skillz.

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