We've had ball slapping, so why not crotch noogies, too?

Doug:
So if the Sox sign Matsuzaka and the Yankees sign Igawa you know what this will mean right?

 

---

Mike:
Yes, a whole new chapter in the age old rivalry.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. We've had Munson and Fisk, A-rod and Tek, now it's time to up the ante Japanese stylee.

 

---

Mike:
Matsuzaka-san, show Igawa-san "the electric message," will you please?

 

---

Doug:
Denki Anma, bitches.

 

---

This Just In: Dog Bites Man!

Doug:
Every day I wake up and thank my lucky stahs that I'm so privileged to reside in a city with such robust and intelligent sports coverage …

 

---

Doug:
I mean where, tell me where else, could one find the incisive reportage like this from Massarotti: "what the Sox term 'fair' and 'comprehensive' might not necessarily be so to Boras, who has at least as much (or more) influence on the negotiation as they do."?

 

---

Doug:
Jeez, Tones, ya think?

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I fully expect to open the metro section now and find this story …

Yesterday in Methuen, a local man entered a cah dealahship and offered less than the stickah price of a 2006 vehicle. Although the local man indicated he wished to not comment publicly about the negotiations, he did say he felt the offer to be "fair."

 

---

Bill:
Howevah, the dealah released a statement saying that because the vehicle in question featured, among other things, rich, Corinthian leathah, that there is no way imaginable he could sell the car for anything less than $1000 ovah the stickah price. Moreover, the dealah implied that if the man didn't want to purchase a car, he wouldn't have stepped on the lot and that the initial offer was "insulting."

As of late afternoon, no deal had been struck but a source speaking on background indicated there was reason for hope as the dealah is alleged to have said he'd "speak with his managah" to see "what he could do."

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, this bid low, sell high theory is just so arcane and complex that my brain hurts just thinking about it.

 

---

Bill:
Speaking of low-bidding, did you see the Yanks won the bidding for Kei Igawa

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and have I mentioned yet how sweet it is to see the Yankees getting stuck with the sloppy seconds for a change?

 

---

Get Your W.A.G. On

Doug:
OK, this morning I have to give Gerry Callahan a tip of the cap. Saying that Theo has a "man crush" on J.D. Drew is spot on.

 

---

Doug:
Sometimes that nasty side of the Boston Media is just what's needed. You know? Seriously, WTF is up with giving Drew $14 million per year. For the next four or five years?

 

---

Mike:
I'm sure you've heard Olney's prediction that Manny will be gone by this weekend?

 

---

Doug:
Whoo-hoo! Let's trade Manny for a bunch of prospects nobody has heard of! If Theo Epstein thinks J.D. Drew is an offensive replacement for Manny Ramirez, then I have a chopstick fan to sell him.

 

---

Mike:
Dude, settle down. Take deep breaths …

 

---

Doug:
Settle down? Why so I can prep myself to see Big Papi walked 200+ times next season. Say goodbye to Mr. Walkoff, it's been nice to know you and shit, and say hello to Mr. Walk followed by Mr. Ground Into an Inning Ending Double Play.

 

---

Mike:
OK. Granted. On the surface all of these rumors are, to use Callahan's term, obscene. But let's take a step back and consider a few things …

 

---

Mike:
First, everything we're hearing right now is coming from media reports. And if the past is any barometer, 9 times out of 10, they haven't a clue to what's really going on.

 

---

Doug:
Wait a second, are you saying the Sox aren't going after Drew and that they haven't been shopping Manny?

 

---

Mike:
No, just saying that we don't know the why's and what for's that are possibly putting those actions in motion.

 

---

Mike:
Look. While it's a fun joke, no one really believes Theo has a man crush on J.D. Drew or that Theo and Bill James et al have all of a sudden gone stupid and are going to just dump Manny for a sack of balls.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, if it looks like a duck …

 

---

Mike:
Humah me here … Remembah that a lot of this stuff is built on false assumptions and misinformation.

 

---

Doug:
How so?

 

---

Mike:
Take Manny. It's the media who are always bemoaning his lack of hustle and suggesting he's some sort of cancah to the clubhouse whom everyone else on the team can't stand. But we've no real evidence the front office or Manny's team mates feel this way.

 

---

Mike:
And then there's the "Manny quit on the team last August with a phantom injury" story. Meanwhile, though, the other reports coming out of the front office were that Manny really did have a small tear in the medial meniscus of his right knee causing a bone-on-bone situation that is unpredictable and painful.

 

---

Doug:
Reports which were dismissed by the media as management coddling a superstah.

 

---

Mike:
Exactly. But what if those reports are the truth? Worse, what if the doctors looked at Manny's knee and said to the Red Sox that there's better than a 50 percent chance that his knee is so far gone that he's not going to be able to continue playing the outfield much longer and even serving as a full time DH is iffy?

 

---

Mike:
That would put a different perspective on things we're hearing and reading these days wouldn't it?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, but that's just wild ass guessing.

 

---

Mike:
Right, as opposed to Theo having a man crush.

 

---

The hap- happiest season of all

Doug:
You know I just realized the holidays are a lot like free agents: Rarely as good as the hype that precedes them.

 

---

Bill:
No joke, guy. My Thanksgiving weekend could be described as one part Edgah Renteria and one paht Matt Clement.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, well, you're lucky, because mine was like 3 pahts Dante Bichette and one paht Cahl Everett.

 

---

Bill:
Really the holiday family gathering encapsulates much of the tenor of a typical baseball season …

 

---

Bill:
It stahts off full of hope and promise with so many "so nice to see you's" but usually ends in fingah pointing, animosity and "25 family members, 25 cabs."

 

---

Doug:
Can't hardly wait for Christmas. W00T!

 

---

And we were ready for an MVP Jetes, too

Doug:
Poor CHB. He's a day late on the "trade Manny" meme.

 

---

Bill:
Considering Shank just calls up one of his canned themes off his hard drive to regurgitate it on us once again, you'd think he'd be quickah at getting those out.

 

---

Doug:
So now that Morneau won the MVP we can't bitch and whine how Ortiz was robbed while we denigrate Derek Jetah at the same time.

 

---

Bill:
I know. And I was so looking forward to it.

 

---

Doug:
My dirty little secret is that while I thought Jetah's winning the Gold Glove was a total sham, I actually thought he was deserving of the MVP this year.

 

---

Bill:
That case could be made. He did have the highest VORP of all the candidates.

 

---

Doug:
It's that damn anti-NY bias at work again.

 

---

Bill:
Poor New York. No MVP. No World Series bling this Century, but, frig, you know, at least they've got David Blaine in a spinning gyroscope in Times Square.

 

---

Doug:
You know what they say: If you can gyroscope there, you can gyroscope anywhere.

 

---

Manny Trade Time. Again. [Yawn]

Doug:
Well, in case you missed it the umpteen othah times ovah the last half-dozen years, the "trade Manny" media backed faux-meme is back for your viewing pleasure.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, it comes on suddenly a couple a times a year like a case of the runs.

 

---

Doug:
I love Callahan's tortured logic that because Soriano signed for $17 million now's a good time to dump Manny because othah teams will now view Manny's salary as a bargain …

 

---

Doug:
Guess it hasn't dawned on G.C. that, you know, there's a reason clubs are willing to pay that kind of money for a big bat in the lineup.

 

---

Mike:
Oh, no, Gerry has it all figured out: It's "because major league teams have lost their minds again."

 

---

Doug:
Oh, right, forget economics 101 and all the free mahket crap about use value and exchange value, prices for labah are determined entirely by whethah or not the capitalists in any given sectah have lost their minds or not.

 

---

Mike:
The thing I can't quite seem to get is why media guys like Callahan seem so totally flustered by the fact that Manny disses Boston by saying he wants a trade?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, you'd think a guy who is insensitive enough compare black school kids to gorillas would have a bit of a thickah skin, you know?

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. I mean toughen up, Ger-Ger. You're not going to impress your fantasy girl Ann Coulter by acting like a total pussy. Skinny right wing bitch likes her men strong, like Rummy.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. For me, I don't care if a playah says our clam chowdah tastes like piss or if he says Paul Reveah was a queeah or if he says our chicks got coochies that smell like scrod, if he can hit like Manny, he belongs in Boston regahdless.

 

---

Gathering berries in the bog

Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strip day. But enjoy the Patriots big win and the sweet loss the Slant-eyed Hillbilly endured.

BTW, with the approaching Holiday, strips will be intermittent this week, probably just Tues and Weds unless there's some megadeal on Turkey Day.

 

---

Go ahead, be gone with it

Lisa the Temp:
Hello, my peeps, Lisa's back for all your temporary needs, just like Vinny Testaverde, you know?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Well, except that he's like 103 years old and I'm not.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Oh, come on now, this doesn't mean that anybody is hurting. Jeez, people, that's how rumors get started.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Speaking of rumors, did you hear Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Chestica Simpson are dating after Chestica found out he had a "thing" for her?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
All I can say is Chesty better hit that before Sunday because Romo's thang is going to get pwned by the Colts.

 

---

If I Did It

Bill:
Ah, crap, now I've got to question my own enthusiasm for the Daisuke the Destoroyah deal as Shaughnessy likes it, too.

 

---

Doug:
Talk about a Judas kiss.

 

---

Bill:
Of course, he wouldn't be the CHB if he didn't slandah at least one playah in any given column.

 

---

Doug:
Don't you just love the irony of his accusing Manny of quitting for the year on August 21st juxtaposed with this line: "… we'd advise Matsuzaka to steer clear of the English language when he gets to the Hub. In Boston, most ballplayers are better off not knowing what is being said or written about them."

 

---

Doug:
You know, not that Shank has any paht to play in that or anything.

 

---

Bill:
No shit. Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Alway innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

 

---

Doug:
Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it."

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, as Shaughnessy and I'm sure every mealy mouthed Yankees fan you know has pointed out to you, we can no longah complain about the Yankees payroll.

 

---

Doug:
Yes, yes, I've heard the reasoning: "OMFG. We've become what we hate about the Yankees blabbity blah blah."

 

---

Bill:
As if payroll differences were the only thing separating the Red Sox and Yankees and by removing it we'll all sit down togethah to have tea and crumpets and discuss the infinite joys of the timeless game of baseball.

 

---

Doug:
See that's just it. If all of a sudden I were transported to some bizzaro alternative world …

 

---

Bill:
With hawt cylon bitches.

 

---

Doug:
Different world this time, but I like the way you're thinking. Anyway, so if on this bizzaro alternative world the Red Sox are owned by a guy named George and they had a shortstop named Jetah, a 3rd baseman with bluelips and a tendency to choke, and a 1st baseman who's dick has been subsumed by his body because of steroid abuse and, meanwhile, in the bizarro Bronx, the Yankees are GM'ed by a smart, young, Jew, and the captain of their team is a feisty catcher with an ass all the girls yearn for and they have a knuckleballah with a heart of gold, you know what?

 

---

Bill:
You'd still root for the bizzaro Red Sox.

 

---

Doug:
Abso-effin-lutely I would. Because even in the bizarro world they'd be the Boston Red Sox and the othah guys would be the New York Yankees and I'm a Red Sox fan. End of story. Now getting back to this other cylon hawt bitch planet for a moment …

 

---

Irasshaimase

Tara:
I love that the bid for D-Mat wasn't 51 million, wasn't 51.1 million, but was 51.11 million … It's like The Price is Right game show.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Theo Epstein come on down! You're the next contestant in the Boras Switcheroo Pricing Game.

 

---

Tara:
Theo better have his Wonderjock on as the conventional wisdom says Boras is looking for 3yrs at $20 mil a year. Combine that with the 51.11 bid and that's a lot of yearning for yen.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Reports suggest the Yankees make $20 million a year marketing the Matsui brand in Japan … Of course those reports come from Scott Boras which is about as unbiased as getting reports on Israel from Al Jazeera.

 

---

Tara:
Or getting sabermetric analysis from Joe Morgan.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Ouch.

 

---

Tara:
But seriously. Matsuzaka vs Matsui, the gyroball vs juicy Giambi, Red Sox v Yankees, the greatest rivalry in all of sport? The Japanese fans are going to price that action like Kobe beef.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, and wait until the harajuku girls get a look at Quadzilla.

 

---

Tara:
Ka-ching!

 

---

The upsize revolution

Mike:
See now this is what puts the hawt in hot stove. The top bid for the posting of Daisuke Matsuzaka and $44 million for JD Drew.

 

---

Doug:
Christ I love with the stove is glowing before the Thanksgiving bird is stuffed, but I'm confused...

 

---

Doug:
42 million wasabi just to talk to Boras-san about Matsuzaka-san and another 44 million and 4 years for Drew from the same team that was unwilling to give a few more million and an extra contract year to Pedro Martinez and Johnny Damon?

 

---

Doug:
Did I miss the "now we spend money like bonah-throbbed drunk at Club d'Exotica" memo or something?

 

---

Mike:
Well, first off, guy, it's not your money, so no need to fret.

 

---

Doug:
Dude, who said I'm fretting? I'm just trying to make sense of the "strategery" of '05 and '06 in light of this recent news.

 

---

Mike:
OK, the way I see it, the club was nevah unwilling to spend …

 

---

Mike:
Look, they busted the bank on Renteria only to have him go mental. And Theo gambled that Pedro's shouldah wouldn't hold out, and it hasn't. Point goes to Theo. Meanwhile Coco Crisp's numbahs were close to Damon's and considering Coco's age and lower salary needs, that seemed like a risk worth taking.

 

---

Doug:
Alrighty, then. Let's strap on our Wondahjocks and sign Clemens while we're upsizing.

 

---

Help me, I'm flaming, I must be a hundred and nine

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, the Jets are in ur house out-playing and out-coaching your d00ds.

 

---

Bill:
Ah, jeez, Mahty, are things so bad for you ovah in Yankee fan land that you're having to bandwagon on the always woeful Jets now?

 

---

Marty:
The Patriots' Good Ship Dominance appears to have a rather large crack in the hull, Billy, or haven't you noticed?

 

---

Bill:
Well, Mahts, if I were you I'd be more focused more on Daisuke Matsuzaka than Eric Mangini because, you know, last time I checked your stahting rotation consists of Wang and, er, Wang.

 

---

Unknown Yankees fan:
How and the hell did King George let the Red Sox outbid the Yankees for Matsuzaka?

 

---

Marty:
Yeah, well, don't count your sushi before they're rolled, Callaghan. That's still just a rumor.

 

---

Marty:
And even if the Sawx did have the highest bid, mark my words, Billy Boy, there's no way Matsuzaka suits up in anything but the Pinstripes.

 

---

Bill:
Listen, guy, you might want to call your doc and get your meds adjusted because I'm sensing some delusional symptoms from you.

 

---

Marty:
Look, Matsuzaka said he only wants to play for one team: The Yankees. Just like with Contreras. Think Theo is going to break some more chairs when he loses out again?

 

---

Bill:
This isn't the same as signing a Cuban defectah, Mahty, there's this little thing called "negotiating rights" when it comes to Japanese playahs.

 

---

Marty:
Doesn't it bother you, Callaghan, that nobody ever, not once, has ever said they wanted to play for your Sawx first? I mean, fuck, even he of the faked bloody sock wanted to be traded to the Yankees and not your guys before he was mythologized as the second coming on Yawkey Way.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, Mahts, I'll grant that the Yankees are iconic, but so is Mickey Mouse.

 

---

Marty:
I hope you don't bust a nut, Bill, from all this backpedalling you're doing.

 

---

Bill:
Look, when the prime ministah of Japan came to the United States recently, he wanted to visit Graceland not The Freedom Trail, but I think John Adams' and Paul Revere's legacies are intact.

 

---

Bill:
But, you know what, Mahty? I think there are some real similarities between the white-sequined jumpsuited Elvis and your Yankees: Both are old, fat, and drugged up with their best years long behind them.

 

---

Nadaholix

Sorry, folks, I've hit the proverbial brick wall with respect to creativity. I've got nothing, nada, nil. Hopefully, this will pass and my muse will return shortly. (No, I didn't watch Lost, so no Lostaholix strip either.) — H.B.

 

---

Don't you know know I still believe

Bill:
At long last our national nightmare is ovah.

 

---

Mike:
I nevah thought it would last this long, frankly, but thank Christ that charade has played itself out.

 

---

Bill:
I've had it up to here with all this talk of family values and marraige and the virtues of mothahhood.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, it's time to return to the former glory and once again unveil the God shed grace of the fruited plane.

 

---

Bill:
America, America, let thine alabaster tities gleam.

 

---

Frequent Micturition (You'll get used to it.) (R)

Soxaholix Redux

The following is an encore presentation of the strip that was originally published on May 14, 2004.

Links to external web sites may no longer be valid.

The Red Sox are beat down by the Blue Jays and fall out of first place. The mood among some is very bitter …

Bill:
So much for first fucking place. Hope you enjoyed it.

 

---

Doug:
Course not. I love being in motherfucking second place.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, nothing like the comfort of looking up and seeing those Pinstriped buttocks ahead of you.

 

---

Doug:
No shit. I've grown so used to seeing Derek Jeter's round, shapely male ass in front of me, that I've grown rather fond of it.

 

---

Bill:
Good fucking news: Starting Monday you can legally marry that ass. [Laughs] No more being the Yankees' bridesmaid. Now you can be the bride!

 

---

Doug:
Right on! Me and Derek Jeter shall swing by the Anal Ranch, pick up the Lord (you know how much He adores all things Yankees!), and we shall have a Butt-Fuck Week End. And the Lord shall ask, "How do you like being on the bottom?" And I will respond, "Lord, I was motherfucking born into it."

 

---

Bill:
Last night marked the 9th time in the last 11 games the Red Sox gave up at least a run in the first inning.

 

---

Doug:
It's so easy to get to first in the first on Sox pitching they are becoming the sluts of the AL. Need a booty call? Dial up a starter.

 

---

Bill:
And the pimp Francona says, "Teams have been scoring on us early a lot. Then if you make a mistake, it becomes more glaring." Jeez, Terry, you think?

 

---

Doug:
The chrome dome is a motherfucking managerial genius. I fucking love the way he handles the bullpen.

 

---

Bill:
So much for thinking I could get off Prozac this year. Instead, I'm going to have to increase the dosage. Bring on that frequent micturition. [Laughs]

 

---

Thank God and Greyhound They're Gone (R)

Soxaholix Redux

The following is an encore presentation of the strip that was originally published on July 2, 2004.

Links to external web sites may no longer be valid.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: Red Sox lose an extra-inning heartbreaker in NY …

Bill:
Say what you will, but that was one of the most exciting ball games I've ever seen. Heroics by hitters, heroics by pitchers, heroics by fielders, managing, maneuvering, you name it.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, even the C-H-B says "It truly was one of the best regular-season games in the century-old history of this lopsided rivalry"

 

---

Bill:
Of course, Shaughnessy says that just to twist fate's fucking knife in our backs.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, it's like having a guy you've never been too chummy with coming up to you and saying, "Man, I saw your girlfriend yesterday and she is just so hot. You're a lucky guy." And you're all innocent and shit asking, "Thanks, dude, where'd you run into my sweetie?" And the fucker's all nonchalant and shit, "She was standing outside the Sleepy Hollow Motel with your best friend, Jimmy. Cool how close you three are." … Cocksucker.

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] No shit. And speaking of relationships gone bad, I can't help but hope there's truth in this latest SoSH thread rumor about Nomar going to the Dodgers.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I love Nomar but ever since the A-Rod thing in December, everything's been fucked up for player and fan alike.

 

---

Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. It's like one partner in a relationship getting caught in bed with someone else and you try to forgive and make it work for a couple of months but you both know it's a facade … it's ovah.

 

---

Mike:
I know the Braves are the adopted team of the South and all, but I tell ya, it's the Red Sox who have all the material for a killer country music song.

 

---

Bill:
Fuck song! It's a fucking country music double-album. [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
[sings a wicked twang] Dear Red Sox, I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed Cryin' Over You …

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Walking In …

 

---

Goldglover, A spiders touch, such a cold finger ...

Doug:
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Derek Jetah won the Gold Glove at short!?! What the hell?

 

---

Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yeah, well, both Fishsticks Paltro and Cher have won Oscars for best actress, so whad'ya expect?

 

---

Doug:
I dunno, I just expect a little more integrity from MLB than I do from Hollywood.

 

---

Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ah, integrity … you mean like Barry Bonds single season homah record or Raphael Palmeiro testifying before Congress?

 

---

Rain check

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, folks, I've had some last minute and long day work related stuff surface, so I'm going to have to rain-check you today (11/1) and possibly tomorrow (11/2), but things should be back to normal by Friday.

 

---

Your omniscient author in absentia:
On the bright-side, I'm hopeful these day job related tasks will provide more fodder for the strip. (Think "human resources," "leadership," and "seminar." See, you're already laughing, right?)

 

---

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Also on the bright-side, Baseball America's pronounced that the Sox had the best amateur draft of the 30 major league teams this June.

 

---